How can I deal with ex in social circle?

[Turuwal]

Hi everyone, first time posting here!

Now I've seen the break up guides and everything but I can't find an answer to my situation so I'm asking it here.

I ended my five-year relationship four months ago. The relationship and sex had turned to crap, and I resented the fact that she was and getting in the way of all the other cute girls around me. So I took a walk in the mountains, thought about it for a few hours, then manned up, went home, and told her it was over. One week of crying and objections later and it was over over, for real!

Here's the issue: Due to the length of the relationship and her lack of independence during it there is an almost 100% overlap between my close friends and hers. This means that at many, many things I go to she is there. What's worse is that she has finally regained her independence and lost a bunch of weight. I hate to admit if fellas, but if she had have been this way months ago I wouldn't have broken up!

I feel this is affecting my game. She is sl*tting it up big time, and it is a big massive blip on my DTF (down-to-f*ck) radar. Having to constantly correct for such a huge signal is emotionally draining, and also makes it hard to switch off my thoughts and go on instinct when the time comes to pull a different girl.

But here's what's tipped me over the edge. At a recent party, I was working some girl and the vibe seemed ok, was holding hands, not too bad... Anyway I leave the target for a bit and my ex comes up and says "oh you're after [target], I totally approve". Then she goes in and takes my seat next to [target] and chats a bit, then comes back to me and says "hey I think that [target] might have a boyfriend". WTF!!!!???? I don't wanna know that!!! Then once she's sure my game is stuffed, she goes and picks up herself. GODDAMN MUTHAF*CKER!!!!!

At the expense of breaking no contact I even sent an email calling her on this crap. She tried to frame it as "f*ck you, I'll talk to who I want to" but I reframed to "if you're my friend then get out of the way, if you're my enemy then I don't give a f*ck about you". Then after accepting why she shouldn't tell me about other girls' boyfriends, she tried to use the frame of "you're a great guy, you'll meet someone blah blah" which I reframed to "sh*t, goes without saying... but you'll never find someone as great as me" (obviously I didn't use these words but rather I subcommunicated it).

So here's the question: What is the best way to stop my ex from playing the field, and get her to settle down with a nice safe guy, lose her independence and get fat again?

For the record, I am up to three of my GFTOW so far. I even f*cked one of them before I even moved out from my ex's house :-D. My ex knows I am in the game and may even believe the number is higher.

 

[BadNews]

If its such a huge issue stay away from her? Why do you have to go to the same places she'll be all the time? Use your new found independence and GO MEET NEW PEOPLE! Might be time reevaluate some of your other relationships as well - there is absolutely no reason to hang out with YOUR friends and her at the same time.

1. Stay away from her.
2. Forget about what she is doing - don't let it affect you.
3. Stop contacting her.
4. Expand your social circle (...like RIGHT now.)
5. Focus on yourself and what you have going on.

 

[Turuwal]

Hi BadNews

What you've said is 100% correct, and re-reading some of my words I do detect a hint of whiny little b*tch in there!

My problem is that I absolutely *love* my mates, they are the best and they are always doing cool stuff. Like way beyond normal "go to the pub and get drunk" stuff. We are all integral members of a close knit volunteer organisation. While I don't want to see her again, there's no way I would let this stop me from going to my mates' parties and doing things I love to do, although if I know she'll be at one thing I will go to another.

When we *are* at the same party or event, I don't talk to her, I don't initiate conversation, I don't even look at her. I probably treat her worse than a stranger because I actually *talk* to strangers! She is the one who talks to me. When she does join in, I deflect the conversation back to the group, try to exclude her, or just leave. And I'm not completely hopeless, I did pull a f*ck buddy from one of my small gatherings she was at. But I know I am capable of so much more.

Yes, expanding my social circle is a big part of the answer, although not the complete answer. I've started friendzoning phone numbers that don't work out rather than simply deleting them. I've also been focusing on friends who are not as close to my existing social circle. Plus of course talking to every man and his dog in the street, bar, party, whatever!

As for focusing on myself, I can now start doing that after having just pulled off a large successful event with my volunteer organisation. It put a two month hole through my life... which coincidentally lines up almost perfectly with when I started having this trouble handling my ex! Inner game is a KEY part of pickup and it requires ENERGY!

I will still have to grab the frame so that when I am forced to see her I am in control, just like I was when I first broke up with her. Regaining my energy, focusing on myself, expanding my social circle, and GFTOW will most definitely help in that regard!

 

[Turuwal]

Facebook: Great social tool but also completely evil when it comes to break ups. In my opinion worse than even seeing them in real life! I had already hidden and unsubscribed to her page but Facebook was a retard and kept showing her as a close friend.

Unfriended!!! :-D

 

[Buddha_Mind]

I would say try and kill any direct contact with her at all. Ignore her. She's a ghost now. If you have to see her, just ignore her man. She's clearly c0ck blocking you left-and-right and is pissed for being dumped and ain't going to make things easy for you.

Two: Give it time. This is recent. See how strong her friendships are with these mutual people and time will even things out. I wouldn't worry about it, odds are she may eventually drop off the radar when she enters another relationship and gets absorbed in that person's social-circle, and she'll hinge over...

Also, plow a new social circle. Find a new self-identity in other niches also. IDK. Then you'll feel less dependence upon these interactions as you'll see you have many diverse friends in many great places and they're all lucky to know a great guy like yourself.

If I was in your shoes I don't think I'd be able to keep my cool as well after some of the sh1t you've described.

 

[Turuwal]

Thanks Buddha_Mind, much appreciated advice man!

Yep, I am a ghost as of this morning, starting with Facebook unfriending earlier. When ignoring her in the field I am running the risk of looking like a d*ckhead to my mates so it's a balancing act, but I'll manage. I don't know if she is pissed off, indifferent, loves me, hates me, etc, but I don't care. I judge people by the effects of their actions, not their intentions.

Yep, I always knew that time would be a factor, and that there would be some low points that would make me want to go back. That's why I burnt any possible bridges at the outset of the break up while I was still thinking clearly. The groundwork I laid months ago is serving me well now. I believe I'm over the worst of it.

Yep, totally agree on opening up new social circles.

And yeah it's a bummer this sh*t is affecting me. I put it down to fatigue and lack of energy from my huge volunteer project that took two months out of my life, and is only just winding down now. It *was* a success though, f*ck yeah!