How Badly Did I Screw This Up?

JST8828

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Got a message from a girl on Match.com Saw she was a single mom and have always had zero interest in them aside from potential hit and quits. I quickly went the flirty route to try and feel her out, not directly mentioning sex, but calling her gorgeous, saying we can go back to my place for a glass of wine if our first date goes well, etc. Stuff like that. Long story short before I make her call a babysitter I explain how I'm only looking for something "casual" right now. She tells me that doesn't work for her and writes "Thank you for being honest. Good luck". I say that's too bad, really wanted to meet you. I have learned in the past that sometimes you have to push girls into casual sex. I tell her how I don't mean casual by using her or anything, but more along the lines of how I don't want a "serious commitment" right now. I tried to play it cool. She said ok then, that works. Our date is set for that night down the block from my apartment.

On the date, something shocking happened that I hadn't experienced in a long, long time. The girl is BETTER looking than her pictures, and on top of that we are hitting it off beyond belief. I truly enjoyed her company. I was floored. She comes back to my place easily for glass of wine and we end up having a hardcore makeout session/i feel her up, etc. I try and go for sex but she tells me she doesn't want to be a "first date girl" and she just has to get to know me better. However she does say she wants it really bad and can tell we would have great chemistry. She has to force herself to hold off. I tell her I completely understand and don't want her to feel pressured. I offer to drive her home which she loves and texts me saying it was "beyond sweet". She also specifically tells me how she's "Ok" with casual dating and that she's not looking to get married tomorrow. We even make plans for a second date on the way home. Hand holding on the ride home as well. One of the nicest first dates I've personally ever had. In a nutshell, i was considering wanting to really get to know this girl. A complete 180 from my thoughts just a few hours earlier.

Date #2 is on this past Saturday. She can't get a babysitter to go out and has no choice but to invite me over her place after her son is asleep. I was all for it. We do takeout and watch TV. The chemistry is still amazing and we are both having a great time. The kid actually WAKES UP though about 2 hours in and isn't feeling well so unfortunately I have to leave. She's very upset about it all but I tell her not to worry and how I totally understand. I give her a kiss goodnight. She texts me saying I’m “amazing” for being so understanding. Also says she was having fun for the time being and was “really looking forward to seeing me today”. I tell her "Same here". All was still fine IMO.

Then it happened. Things for some reason seem to slowly go downhill. The next day (Sunday) I texted her asking how the kid was. She says thanks for asking and he's doing better with meds. We send a couple texts back and forth and the convo fizzles out. I didn't want to go right in with asking her on date #3. I wanted to wait a couple of days and make her wonder about me and make her miss me. Monday there was no communication. Then TUESDAY around noon I text her. I invite her over MY place for Friday night and say I will cook for her. While she was at work all day until 7:30pm, she did NOT respond to this text message until 8:30pm. She has written back at work to me before. She says she's can't Friday bc she has a "holiday party". No counter. Asks how my day was though. Immediately I saw right through the text. I had screwed up. She was likely turned off by the invite right back to my place on a Friday night. She didn't feel she knew me well enough to sign herself up for sex with me yet, even though the reality is I didn't even intend for that to definitely happen.

The next night, Wednesday, I try and clean up my mistake and ask her to go out to dinner at a restaurant by her tomorrow and if not its no big deal. She says she can't tomorrow but "Maybe I can try and get a sitter for next week??". I tell her sure what day works for you? Lets plan ahead so you can get that sitter. She responds an hour later saying "Ok let me see what I can do!". That was Wednesday night very late. I have not heard from her since.

So what really happened here? Was me asking her over for dinner such a FATAL mistake that it messed everything up? Or can this be saved? You must remember that while not the best idea so early on I suppose, the girl DID come back to my place on the FIRST date and got into some pretty heavy action with me. Sure she turned down sex, but still. I just didn't think it would come to this now. Would definitely like to see her again but its looking pretty obvious at this point that may not happen.
 
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AlphaSoldier

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Dude, there is no need to over-analyze this. Maybe she met someone else. Or she's having second thought about you. It's better to stop now before you have feelings for her.

Text her next week, ask her about her weekend, if she agrees for date #3, fine, otherwise, adios. Move on.
 

JST8828

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Dude, there is no need to over-analyze this. Maybe she met someone else. Or she's having second thought about you. It's better to stop now before you have feelings for her.

Text her next week, ask her about her weekend, if she agrees for date #3, fine, otherwise, adios. Move on.
Well i’d at least appreciate your insight on if you think I screwed this up instead of just saying to get over it. In any event, I will not be texting her next week. The ball was put directly in her court after me asking her out on back to back days. My work is done imo
 

Bullbearpig

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Maybe seemed a little to eager? Like you said though your work is done, Leave it be. If she comes back play a little more aloof.
 

Bible_Belt

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Every time there is a thread like this, my reply is, " well, did you tell her what you just told us?" And the answer is always no.

You thought you wanted casual, but you actually like her. But she doesnt know that. I am not saying to put it that bluntly to her, but you need to flip the script and not be afraid to take a risk. Right now, the only thing you stand to risk is a knock to your ego. If she realizes there is a chance of you being serious with her, then she will be a lot more interested.
 

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JST8828

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Every time there is a thread like this, my reply is, " well, did you tell her what you just told us?" And the answer is always no.

You thought you wanted casual, but you actually like her. But she doesnt know that. I am not saying to put it that bluntly to her, but you need to flip the script and not be afraid to take a risk. Right now, the only thing you stand to risk is a knock to your ego. If she realizes there is a chance of you being serious with her, then she will be a lot more interested.
I know. This is why I messaged her the next night asking her OUT instead of back to my place. Then I got the whole wishy wash type response. If I could get her out somehow one more time I would absolutely flip the script. But aside from that what else am I suppose to do? Can’t be sending her some weird emotional text saying hey FYI I not just looking to casually date I actually want something serious.
 

Bible_Belt

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Just invite yourself over to her place and hang out with the two of them. Bring a pizza or something cheap. Nothing says serious to a single mom like being willing to be around her kid. Plus, if you really did want a relationship with her, that is your future anyway. You don't have to tell her in words how you feel, but keep showing up and she will see.
 

JST8828

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Invite myself over her home to hang out with her and her kid after 2 dates and me likely being in the dog house? Yeah single mom or not something tells me that’s not a great idea.
 

Smartone84

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Sounds like you scared her off. It’s also not like you didn’t know any better either. (i.e. Your place = Girl thinks Sex) The girl clearly wasn’t down for casual from the beginning and made a point to say she needs to get to know you better, etc. So instead of taking her out once or twice more you went straight to the come to my place routine. Not the smartest move in the world but I agree I don't think it should have been fatal. But if she really was feeling you she could have been honest and countered with something else. She didn't.

Depending on how much of an impact you made on her in two measly dates, who knows, maybe she’ll throw you another chance, but in the beginning, especially this early, there isn’t much room for error. I get what you’re saying about what happened on the first date and all, and I think you did the right thing trying to reverse your pretty obvious mistake the next night, but she was probably already turned off enough. At this point she needs to know flat out you're not about any casual business but it might be too late for you.
 

AJ84

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She seems attracted to you. However she may be having second thoughts on the casual thing that she initially said she was ok with only after you ‘clarified’ that by casual you don’t mean using her. Then, you invite her back to your place for ‘drinks’ which is the universal code for sex. She goes (knowing this) and maybe she convinced herself that she is down for it because she’s attracted to you.
But she’s not really, down for it. I’m almost positive she is looking for more and the reason I’m almost positive is because she was very quick to drop the whole thing when you said you were just looking for casual. Plus, she said she’s not planning to get married tomorrow.
She clearly doesn’t want to be a casual sex partner and doesn’t seem to want to waste time better spent finding someone that may be more open to a relationship with a single mom.
Now, none of that is your problem, but this is where she likely is and if you don’t want to go that route move on, lots of other girls out there.
 

Smartone84

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She seems attracted to you. However she may be having second thoughts on the casual thing that she initially said she was ok with only after you ‘clarified’ that by casual you don’t mean using her. Then, you invite her back to your place for ‘drinks’ which is the universal code for sex. She goes (knowing this) and maybe she convinced herself that she is down for it because she’s attracted to you.
But she’s not really, down for it. I’m almost positive she is looking for more and the reason I’m almost positive is because she was very quick to drop the whole thing when you said you were just looking for casual. Plus, she said she’s not planning to get married tomorrow.
She clearly doesn’t want to be a casual sex partner and doesn’t seem to want to waste time better spent finding someone that may be more open to a relationship with a single mom.
Now, none of that is your problem, but this is where she likely is and if you don’t want to go that route move on, lots of other girls out there.
And I'm sure you're absolutely right. There's no coincidence that she started acting strange right after the text was sent inviting her right to his place for dinner on a Friday night for a third date. She doesn't know him, has no idea after just 2 dates that he DOES like her, evidence shows she wants something serious, so, attracted to him or not why would she want to waste any more time with someone who she thinks only wants a lay? She's an attractive girl I'm sure, who, though has it much harder since she's a single mom, can still go out and have her fair share of more serious options and guys who aren't referencing "casual" dating in the first few messages.

The only reason she would ghost him now and not get back is if him inviting her over was SO bad that it turned her off completely.
 
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AJ84

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And I'm sure you're absolutely right. There's no coincidence that she started acting strange right after the text was sent inviting her right to my place for dinner on a Friday night for a third date. She doesn't know me, has no idea after just 2 dates that I actually DO like her, evidence shows she wants something serious, so, attracted to me or not why would she want to waste any more time with someone who she thinks only wants a lay? She's an HB7 who, though has it much harder since she's a single mom, can still go out and have her fair share of more serious options and guys who aren't referencing "casual" dating in the first few messages. Geez, I really kinda ripped myself there, didn't I?

At this point, it is interesting to me and that's why I'm here. This isn't an everyday totally easy to figure out plate to me. I went to her asking to go OUT somewhere. So at that point she's either thinking two things A) ok he wants to take me on a date and spend his money on me, so maybe he really is interested in something here, or B) This guy just wants to try and put a little more effort in before banging a Milf.

The only reason she would ghost now and not get back to me is if me inviting her over was SO bad that it turned her off completely. Just kind of hard to believe considering how wild things got back at my place on the first date not to mention the great time we had at her place on the second date.

I wonder what everyone would think of, if she does ghost, some sort of last ditch effort/nothing to lose text explaining that I actually am in fact ultimately looking for something serious and I just hope she didn't get the wrong idea.
I honestly don’t think you screwed up that much. I don’t. She made a choice to see you after you said that you don’t want any serious commitment right now. It’s not like you totally lead her on. You didn’t.
She probably had a change of heart about it after the heavy make out session when she realized she wanted to f**k your brains out lol, and may be thinking it will get complicated for her and lead to something negative for her if you are not looking for any commitment right now.
Because ‘not looking for any commitment right now’ is a term that any girl with half a brain knows means ‘casual/non exclusive’.

She’s attracted, but may be holding back because deep down she doesn’t want to get hurt.

But I think your honesty is not something you should put aside and I don’t think you should now declare to her that you want a relationship because really, you don’t know that you do. It’s only been three dates. You just know that you like her more than you thought you would.

She seems pretty upfront, based on how direct she was with telling you she was looking for something different and good luck.

If you feel comfortabke doing so, ask her what’s changed for her now that she’s pulling back.

FYI I am a female so this is based on a female perspective so.... may want to see what the menfolk chime in with.
 

JST8828

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Asking her what's changed is a weird beta type move. She will not find that attractive. It's obvious what happened here, and even if its not there's nothing to lose after a ghost job. Sending one text message being direct and telling her that I hope she didn't get the wrong idea about all the casual talk and that I am in fact looking for a relationship, I don't think that's the end of the world. It just might turn things around and fast.

I also think you've misunderstood some things. I absolutely do want a relationship in general. Its what I'm on Match.com for. The ONLY reason i went the "casual" right with this girl is bc she's a single mom and I rarely ever get involved with that. But things changed once I met her and now I have to flip the script. Do I definitely want a relationship with her? Who knows. I can't answer that at all yet. But I do know that I at least want a chance to see where it could go. With her thinking I only want sex, having a chance with her is hopeless for me. That's my point.
 

Spaz

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Asking her what's changed is a weird beta type move. She will not find that attractive. It's obvious what happened here, and even if its not there's nothing to lose after a ghost job. Sending one text message being direct and telling her that I hope she didn't get the wrong idea about all the casual talk and that I am in fact looking for a relationship, I don't think that's the end of the world. It just might turn things around and fast.

I also think you've misunderstood some things. I absolutely do want a relationship in general. Its what I'm on Match.com for. The ONLY reason i went the "casual" right with this girl is bc she's a single mom and I rarely ever get involved with that. But things changed once I met her and now I have to flip the script. Do I definitely want a relationship with her? Who knows. I can't answer that at all yet. But I do know that I at least want a chance to see where it could go. With her thinking I only want sex, having a chance with her is hopeless for me. That's my point.
Easy game. She wants a good beta provider to be handy in her cute little cave and be a father figure to her baby cub.

Be that man. Project it. You'll get her.

Welcome to the world of beta providers. Good luck !
 

JST8828

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Easy game. She wants a good beta provider to be handy in her cute little cave and be a father figure to her baby cub.

Be that man. Project it. You'll get her.

Welcome to the world of beta providers. Good luck !
I'm assuming you're anti single moms? :lol:
 
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Machine10033

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Shes a single mom so it’s likely you didn’t screw anything up and she’s playing games to make you more interested. She needs someone to provide for her and her kid and they will pull no punches to make sure that happens. At this point you should cut and run. You wanted casual and your now getting feelings for a girl that will eventually bleed you of your energy and resources.
 

lamath

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Shes a single mom so it’s likely you didn’t screw anything up and she’s playing games to make you more interested. She needs someone to provide for her and her kid and they will pull no punches to make sure that happens. At this point you should cut and run. You wanted casual and your now getting feelings for a girl that will eventually bleed you of your energy and resources.
This is why single mom are not often worth it
Energy, resources and opportunity cost is very high.
Sometime you just dont see that its bleeding you until its too late

What value will she add to your life?
 

Spaz

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This is why single mom are not often worth it
Energy, resources and opportunity cost is very high.
Sometime you just dont see that its bleeding you until its too late

What value will she add to your life?
For the beta provider there's plenty of value.

She'll sell her idea of what a high value women is and then he'll buy it thinking he has something worthy.

For those that's not beta, he'll know she's full of crap doing a con job on him trying to enslave him into being the loyal provider.
 

JST8828

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For the beta provider there's plenty of value.

She'll sell her idea of what a high value women is and then he'll buy it thinking he has something worthy.

For those that's not beta, he'll know she's full of crap doing a con job on him trying to enslave him into being the loyal provider.
I appreciate everyone’s thoughts on the subject.

Spaz, I hear you, but I also don’t think it’s fair to lump all single moms into this one category, making them all out to be phonies. How do we know a single mom can’t add value to a mans life and be a great thing? (Especially if she’s a smoke show)

I understand that the kid/kids will always come first no matter what. That part I get. But that doesn’t mean a man is automatically a nobody when it comes to relationships with single moms
 
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