High Interest or Undercover Agent?

[phil2015]

Hi guys

Question regarding a lady I've been seeing a few months now. Wanted your opinion of her, as I'm currently pondering her character and if I'm honest trying to put my mind at rest. I'm pretty sure I've been given something really good. Yet for reason which I'll explain my gut is making me feel insecure, but I don't know if I'm over reacting/over analysing or being a di6k!

On one hand she is totally amazing .She dotes on me, cooks, cleans, buys things for my house (TV stand, fish, food, plants etc). She gives me sex on demand and I'm always ensured a happy time in that department.....

Yet she has admitted recently that she has her ''first love" on Facebook and despite the fact the last time they spoke was over a year ago. There is nothing between them, I'm not too concerned about this as he lives over 1000 miles away. She also has sent nudes to her exes and work colleagues, but in the past.

I'm confident nothing untoward has happened since we have been together.....

How would your stance be towards this lady?

 

[Von]

Hi guys

Question regarding a lady I've been seeing a few months now. Wanted your opinion of her, as I'm currently pondering her character and if I'm honest trying to put my mind at rest. I'm pretty sure I've been given something really good. Yet for reason which I'll explain my gut is making me feel insecure, but I don't know if I'm over reacting/over analysing or being a di6k!

On one hand she is totally amazing .She dotes on me, cooks, cleans, buys things for my house (TV stand, fish, food, plants etc). She gives me sex on demand and I'm always ensured a happy time in that department.....

Yet she has admitted recently that she has her ''first love" on Facebook and despite the fact the last time they spoke was over a year ago. There is nothing between them, I'm not too concerned about this as he lives over 1000 miles away. She also has sent nudes to her exes and work colleagues, but in the past.

I'm confident nothing untoward has happened since we have been together.....

How would your stance be towards this lady?

Enjoy her and the moment.

She has her ex on FB? So what.... I do too.

Last time we talked... was forever ago lol. I was the one to reach out cause I need some advice. Otherwise, been 2 years since she reached out to me. I know she's dating someone (from her accounts like months/years ago)..

Who cares about her past... enjoy the present and the futur with her.

Only concerns you should have is if her past comes into your LTR.

You found a great girl, enjoy it.

Yes, all girls have a past... doesn't mean that she will go back to it. (You know some breakup actually happens on good terms and the page is turned for ever)

If you act needy/insecure.... Than her bad behaviour would be your own fault.

From your thread... she sounds perfect and that makes you worry.

From a 2nd reading... if her exes are colleagues (or ex colleague).. Sounds okay. If she did it for fun to random colleagues... that weird lol.

Beside you have to define "colleague" ... if it's at a student job(mcdonald)....its not like a career path

 

[ohrein]

Sounds like pretty mild concerns. Part of unplugging is accepting that women have a nature you cannot control. That means you should always be aware that a woman can and will **** you over. Your job is to live a life you'll enjoy if she goes. Set yourself up with as high an SMV as possible, screen her for good character and hold frame strong enough to reduce the odds of hypergamy hitting her.

I wouldn't be too worried about her as it sounds like she's displaying behavior that means she's strongly in your frame. Don't stop leading though.

 

[phil2015]

Hi Guys

Thanks for the responses.....

Much of what you are saying is accurate. She is perfect in the sense she is generous, gives me money, cooks food, makes dinner for me every day,
supports my hobbies, washes my clothes, tidies my house, looks after my children, is sexual on demand etc.....

In my eyes, bold statement but she wife material. That is if I ever decided to get married one day, I would seek those qualities out in a female exactly.

The only thorn in my side, which is preventing this from developing is the idea that she is still in occasional contact with a few of her exes, she has obviously banged them,
sent puzzy pictures etc......Whilst I acknowledge this may be insecurity/paranoid on my behalf, it is simply screaming out to me as a RED FLAG!
Whilst I would love to simply overlook this fact, the past events with my Narc/BPD/NPD whatever ex are pricking up my ‘spidey-sense’ and telling me to put
my guard up.


I will re-iterate I am 100% confident she has not spoken to anyone since we met though.

Regards

P

 

[Spaz]

If she's amazing but ur spider senses r saying something else then it's cause for concern.

Those spider senses r there as a backup warning. However this doesn't mean you dismissing her outright.

Put her to the test. Ask her to remove all her exes from FB and discontinue any communications with them. Gauge her reaction.

And then decide if she is worthy of your attention and love.

 

[phil2015]

Hi, thanks for the response. I agree with trusting my gut/instinct/spidey-sense but I’m also trying to be rational
and not jump to any wild conclusions either. Her actions would convey an individual who is deeply in love
with me and wants to accommodate and nurture me intensely.


“Ask her to remove all her exes from FB and discontinue any communications with them. Gauge her reaction.”

I mentioned this briefly, and she mentioned she hasn’t spoken to any of them in over 2 years and she can’t understand
the cause for concern. She even gave me her phone, and offered to let me go through it in front of her (I didn’t)

I don’t even think its a trust issue on my behalf. The other day we were changing the bed sheet and I found a condom down
the side of the bed, which I’m adamant wasn’t there before. I called her over and she stated it is likely one of ours from
when we first started dating

As was mentioned my someone on a previous reply “She sounds perfect, and that worries me”

 

[RangerMIke]

Question regarding a lady I've been seeing a few months now. Wanted your opinion of her, as I'm currently pondering her character and if I'm honest trying to put my mind at rest. I'm pretty sure I've been given something really good. Yet for reason which I'll explain my gut is making me feel insecure, but I don't know if I'm over reacting/over analysing or being a di6k!

Always trust your gut.... Dudes have a problem doing this because we tend to rationalize.... sometime you have to go with your emotions. When it comes to women, it is ALWAYS a good idea to think emotionally, because that is what they do. Trust your gut.

Yet she has admitted recently that she has her ''first love" on Facebook and despite the fact the last time they spoke was over a year ago.

Chicks are great actresses. She is settling for you, but really wants someone else. When a better option comes along, she will monkey branch there and give it no thought at all. Trust your gut.

There is nothing between them, I'm not too concerned about this as he lives over 1000 miles away. She also has sent nudes to her exes and work colleagues, but in the past.

It's not about him, it's about what HE represented. He is her ideal of a man she wants... whatever that is, all that has to happen is for another dude to come along with the same characteristics, and you get the LJBF speech. Trust your gut.

I'm confident nothing untoward has happened since we have been together.....

Chicks live in the moment what happened in the past really isn't that important. Think about how you feel now and instead of trying to find reasons to discount your feelings you should try to figure out why what you feel is true. Trust your gut.

How would your stance be towards this lady?

Keep banging her, why not? You said she is good to you, sex is good... just keep fvcking her. But understand that she is settling for you... and if the right dude, in her mind comes along, your time on the ride is over. You just need to be okay with that, and it's going to be hard if you are not seeing other chicks, but understand at some point you are going to have the get off the ride and give another dude a turn... then go find another chick.... Trust your gut.

 

[phil2015]

Trust your gut.....

Brought up the ex on Facebook thing with her tonight. I wasn't going to say anything but she had told me when I came to hers she did not want me speaking to her flatmate as she is insecure about it. The double standards are incredible

Her reaction was to blow up significantly .

I feel this says everything....

Trust your gut

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

Let's be contrarian for a moment.

Sometimes the spidey sense pings for the wrong things. You have to be aware of that in yourself.

If you distort reality for example and think her behavior is "too good"...then your spidey sense might actually be responding to your own sense of "I don't deserve this nice person" and the incongruence of that versus her behavior. The fact that you are wigging out about old exes being in her FB friends suggests insecurity to me. Obviously there are many men who would like to have a woman treat them the way she is treating you...you know this and you are seeing her as rare & unusual as a result...and therefore as desirable.

My concern for you is that you risk messing up a good thing and killing her attraction to you with your own insecurities & self sabotaging beliefs.

As long as her actual actions are good, stop with the witch hunt and look at what she does. You'll make yourself out as an insecure p*ssy otherwise...and become a self fulfilling prophecy.

Trust your gut is great advice if the gut is accurate, not great advice if the gut isn't accurate. Whether or not your gut is accurate has everything to do with you, OP and your experiences, self awareness & maturity level.

 

[BeExcellent]

You criticized, but never really explained how you believe one should behave when a woman starts being insecure whilst not holding herself to the same standards that she expects from you.

I'd actually be interested in what you think on that.

As a man, it can come off as very exploitative, and lead us to cover our arse by committing/investing less or dumping out of annoyance.

My response above isn't criticism. It's an encouragement for Phil to look at how his own baggage from the past may be irrationally coloring how he sees this woman.

I agree in short @deesade about consistency of standards. In relationship I believe strongly that what is good for the goose is good for the gander. I also strongly believe that time is your best friend when you are evaluating someone else's behavior. When we slow down and take time, and particularly once the infatuation honeymoon stage winds down then it becomes more objective in how two people view one another. My read on the OP's situation is that his own baggage hinders him.

Whilst I acknowledge this may be insecurity/paranoid on my behalf, it is simply screaming out to me as a RED FLAG!
Whilst I would love to simply overlook this fact, the past events with my Narc/BPD/NPD whatever ex are pricking up my ‘spidey-sense’ and telling me to put my guard up.

Brought up the ex on Facebook thing with her tonight. I wasn't going to say anything but she had told me when I came to hers she did not want me speaking to her flatmate as she is insecure about it. The double standards are incredible

I don't see the issues here as comparable. The flatmate is flesh and blood there in proximity to the OP. OP's girlfriend thinks her flatmate is attractive and so this is a bit of mate guarding behavior due to proximity and exposure in real time. That is different in my mind than some ex who is a FB contact who was in the picture in the distant past and lives 1000 miles away. So no proximity, no exposure and no history of contact during the relationship.

Both OP and his GF tend toward insecurity. So they are not relating in a completely mature & rational manner in my view.