Here it goes..-Pozitron-

[Pozitron]

You know me guys.. I hanged atound here for a while now and never done much to be real.
You know... there comes a time when you say **** this ****.
Today was that time.
I really am into this girl but I do nothing about it. WHy? Cause I've known her for like 2 and sth years and till now we acted like friends. Od course there were some momets but with this kind of girl ( beautiful-really) you can't tell cause she;s not so transparent like the others. You know what I mean. So I do nothing cause I believe I have no chance and would end up ljbf which su**s. However, I still have this feeling like she "is mine".. si I get gelous or sth when sh** happens between her and other guys.

So what made me say **** it? Well today it was like that. I got the feeling she was more interested in a friend and that she flirted with him a bit/ also that he was doing the same. There is more... I got kind of mocked by my friends and I felt like **** and really low value and as though I will never have the chance to be with this girl. Also felt like girls weren't treating me serious, you know?; orr wouldn't see me that way.

Now it's valentines day and of course I have no girl. So one thing went through my mind and led to me asking this girl this:" I was curious... did you ever get the question- would you be my valentine?".
What's the big deal? I don't know ma friends but seconds before doing that my heart went crazy..like 100 or something.. like after a sprint or during a workout. That made me thinking.. It's true I NEVER talk to her like that or about that. It's true this is the girl I have a crush on. It's also true it's just a fre***** interpretable question posted through the internet that made me have almost a heart atack. WTF?

So, fellas.. I said **** it. I said **** it cause: my heart went crazy over such a simple thing, cause I love this girl but I have no chance with her and I'm too frecking scared to do something( I start thinking about bringing a flower and fanatsizing about all those together moments before they happen and reality is harder than anything- no flower), cause the pain sometimes is bigger than it should be. Maybe you recognize yourself in feeling that at least once. Maybe not.
Anyway..I'm kind of scr**d up right now and I dont even think I "get" myself.

Btw... her answer was yes.
You know.. in moments like today I get the feeling that someday I will end up just not giving a **** anymore..

 

[Pozitron]

I just had a talk with my parents.
After all of this I was and currently am...how to put this..... direct, real, no sweet stuff, saying things just as I think them.. bold and blunt... even if this means hurting other people.
I talked on a low tone but I didn't have that "shame" with my father.. it was like I didn't avoid confruntation.. I said it as it was.
And of course this ended like ****. My father got mad and told me to go to my room. Too bad they don't know about what caused this.. what I was telling you about and too back I still don't give a **** and I couldn't care for what has happened even if I wanted now.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

Direct this anger and fury onto self improvement. Hit the bottom? I can count thousands that ended up being the greatests because they hit rock bottom.

 

[LearningSlowly]

I don't really understand the story. She said yes to your question, why is that bad? Obviously "Will you be my valentine?" isn't the most serious confession of love, but you should be happy that you had the balls to ask!

Direct this anger and fury onto self improvement. Hit the bottom? I can count thousands that ended up being the greatests because they hit rock bottom.

Yeah. My fastest improvement came when I had nothing going for me.

 

[Pozitron]

Let's ust say when I wrote that.. not so long time ago I was messed up.
I'm better now and as weak as it may sound.. the same for which I was low back then changed me for the better now cause she was sweet and proved she cares(which believe it or not.. is rare.)

OK now.. cause I'm back in business let me make things a little more clear.. I'll be sincere.

So... If I got it she happened to be your 'Valentine'.

Nope.. she wasn't. I wanted her to be but I didn't had the guts to talk to her and tell her that I like her, nor did i give her anything symbolic .. like a flower sth.

And what the hell does your father have to do with it ? I don't get it.

Some around here may get it. It was just something that happened when I was on that state..like an update.

Direct this anger and fury onto self improvement. Hit the bottom? I can count thousands that ended up being the greatests because they hit rock bottom.

I won't say anything this time. I'll just do it. I'm not feeling that bad now but I'll think back and realize it's pathethic of me.. I'm not being a man. Hell she leads and initiates more than me.

She said yes to your question, why is that bad? Obviously "Will you be my valentine?" isn't the most serious confession of love, but you should be happy that you had the balls to ask!

No, my friend... it was more pathethic and less than what you mentioned. I didn't even asked ( that question seemed too kindergarden...but maybe one day when I have more confident or so.. I will ask it in a fun way). So I never asked. I just asked her if she had been asked that question. Cause 1..I was thinking about when a girl first asked me that and I was a tootal noob and 2. was trying to suggest something and maybe expected her to ask why and then for me to say cause I was thinking.... you. You feel me? It was the most indirect shiest childish thing from me... and it still got my heart racing. Imagine what kino or a kiss would do to me.

 

[Pozitron]

Oh.. and if care ( I know you don't :crackup: ) kidding.. it went something like this: she was talking school then out of the blue I asked her that ( which in itself was unusal between me and her) then she made a joke like :" look at what couriousities does mr x(from a play-played by me) have". After that it was dropped.
Then 2h later or so I was talking school and she threw in: "Did Vanlentines day ever mean anything to you?" so I asw sth and asked about her opinion. She was like: " I never really celebrated properly. It used to be more fun". I was like :"fun?" and she responded:"yeah... like candies and postcards".
Then I said sth and expected her to make myself explain so I could tell that today I thought about her and ... .
Well, she signed out without saying goodbye and I was really going crazy for a minute thinking I scr**ed it up but then she signed in again.
At the end she said: " Good night. Happy valentine's day."

I know this may seem nothing for you guys and maybe it is nothing but to me it was sweet of her. And if you judge the kind of out relationship.. like friends and.. me never making a move(almost) in 2 and a half years... it's sth out of the ordinary.
Only I could have made such a thing so complicated, wouldn't I?

I am thinking of making this a journal. The idea makes me unconfortable cause in this way I will be forced to take action. Maybe it's the best thing. We'll see.