Here is the bottom line. Im a social weenie...

[leeman67]

Ok everyone, To make it cut & dry, here are my problems.

I was too shy in highschool & college with women. I didnt start dating till I was 28. Focused more on my career and working out in the gym everyday. I am in pretty good shape. 6ft 5, 247lbs . But my social skills still suck. I spend so much time between work and the gym, I have lost out. I look around the age of 28-32 , but socially, I about a decade behind the times....LOL. I have a "Girl" Friend of mine that I have known since day one in collge(From my first Thread). Im stuck in the friendzone with her). I actually had been content for the last several years with being single, so to be blunt. I have nver tried to brush up my social skills because I had been content. I moved to Chicago to help my family take care of my mother. (She passed away in June). Now, I dont know if anyone here has lost a parent or not. I have now lost both. Your whole outlook on life changes. Thats where I am at now. All of a sudden, I have got the social dating bug. Have been Trying(keyword). I guess to hard to now meet someone. So to answer anyones reply. yes, My social skills suck. I am behind the times. Need some advice from anyone who can offer. Im not afraid to ask someone who is younger then me for it either. LOL.

 

[Arioch]

1.) Read Bible
2.) Do boot camp

http://www.jbspencer.com/djb/

If you're serious (that's a better word than desperate. I mean, you are a bit pressed for time) then just DO IT. Draw on your parents' passing for motivation. They had friends and family mourning for them. Can you imagine having to die alone?

Well, you don't have to. Now get down to business and find yourself a woman.

 

[flexion_]

Put yourself in social situations as hobbies. Instead of going to the gym... do a social sport that has both men and women. Get a job where you have to interact with people more.

Practice on people when you go to the grocery store, bars, restaurants etc... just practice on both men and women in these non-date situations.

It just takes practice like anything else.

 

[Alphathree]

(I apologize for the capital letters and short paragraphs in advance...)

Advice: Read "Radical Honesty" by Brad Blanton. You're going to get a zillion replies here and I'm sure they'll all be great, but what you really need is this book.

It will help you relate to other people on levels you never thought possible and as a side effect, it will make you very centered and confident.

Don't NOT buy the book because I'm about to summarize it for you, but here is my summary:

To relate to other people well ("social skills"), you need to stop living in the world of the ego and what the author calls moralism. Basically, a lot of people talk about themselves and the things and events in their lives.

For instance I might say, "I went to a party. It was fun. My mother has a nice car. I live in Canada." Blah blah.

Not only am I boring, I am downright repulsive for talking about myself all the time in this factual sense. Instead, express thoughts and FEELINGS in the moment.

You see, we all wear personas, and these personas kill us. You might have a customer persona, a dating girls persona, a student persona. Finally leaving the world of personas is true maturity.

Be the same person all the time. Be you. Talk about how YOU feel, what YOU observe, and what YOU think RIGHT NOW without RESTRICTION.

Now the following is going to sound like new-age bullsh~t, and if you chose to ignore it, then it's your loss:

Once you realize that we're all hiding behind our personas, and you finally get rid of yours, you will feel at peace. You won't want to communicate on the level of EGO anymore.

Any time you talk about yourself, your accomplishments, whatever, you are stroking your ego, and it is needy, and poisonous to your mind.

Accept what is, and communicate what is right now. Talk about the CURRENT experience and what you think/feel about it.

Here are some examples of how I've taken Brad Blanton's message (and let me tell you, it's KEY to my game, to anyone's game):

-- If I'm with another girl/guy/group and there's an attractive girl around, I'll express my thoughts about her. "She's cute" , or whatever.

-- I misinterpret everything as being dirty... now, I'm not afraid to say my dirty thoughts.

Today, for example, I laughed out loud at "Your pencil is small" and "I prefer Bob's mother, actually" (Yes people actually said those things.)

-- I analyze social situations out loud. If someone has respect, I say, "It's like we all respect <person>, isn't it."

If someone is acting like a jerk, I say, "Hey, there's no need to be that way. Let's feel the love here."

If someone's hair looks like a dead ******, I say, "Your hair looks like a dead ******."

Do you GET my DRIFT? Don't be AFRAID. Just SPEAK YOUR MIND. Trust me, this is how you relate to other people. Eventually you'll become very sensitive to ego-based conversations because they give negative vibes that no one wants to be around, and they're competitive. Competition doesn't build rapport.

Like:
"I just got a new car. It's a 2005 Honda Civic."
"Oh yeah? Cool. My mom drives an 05 Accord."
"Ah, neat."
"Hey, so how's the girlfriend?"
"She's going to Jasper to ski."
"Oh really? I like skiing. I took lessons a while ago."

This is DISGUSTING. STOP IT. They talk about their car? Say,

"You know, it's like Civics are pretty much the best everyday car you can buy. They're a good price, they run well, and they look snazzy." (These happen to be my thoughts on Honda Civics: insert your own here.)

Do you see the DIFFERENCE? The former is your EGO competing. The latter are your THOUGHTS in the moment.

 

[BxPrince24]

I would say you should go out on your free time and do things you enjoy or try things you havent tried before. Go out and have new experiences.

I know how hard it is to talk to women and also end up with dead silences in your convos. I used to not even be able up mumble a word to a girl I liked, and now I'm able to have full convos that are stimulating to their minds and get's their attention.

Practice makes perfect. Talk to more girls, if you're having problems doing it in person then try on the internet just to get a feel of how overall convos go then try it out on the outside.

Remember to ask what, how, why questions, things that can't really be answered with a yes or no, though you can ask some of those, but stick with the open questions, they give you answers that you can elaborate on. Be sure to listen to her answers, several topics can arise out of one answer.

Also relate to her answers and rephrase/repeat what she says back to her. For example:

You: Have you ever gone bowling?

Girl: Yea, but I wasn't very good at it.

You: You weren't very good at it, what makes you say that?

etc...

or

You: What did you do for the weekend?

Girl: I worked.

You: Where do you work?

Girl: I work at a library?

You: What library do you work at?

Girl: The DJB library, etc...

You: I've never been to the DJB library, how is it there?

etc...

remember to smile, stand straight, shoulders back so that your chest kinda sticks out, and keep your shoulders down, high shoulders make you look stressed and don't poke your chest out, just put your shoulders back a little so that your chest is out a little, picture superman walking. And remember to keep the kino going.

 

[Alphathree]

I respect what BxPrince24 said, especially using "what makes you say that?"

But I would suggest that a list of questions is try hard.

You want to seem like good friends, and good friends don't ask a lot of question-mark questions. They make statements about thoughts and feelings (see my original post) and people automatically respond to those.

What I'm telling you is that communicating isn't about questions. It's about expression. There's nothing wrong with the odd question -- the question mark is in the English language for a reason.

But most of your communicate should be expression. "What makes you say that?" is good because it might ellicit feelings and thoughts rather than facts.

But the other questions are factual, and the OP would be better off reflecting with his thoughts and feelings on the subject rather than drill-deeper questions.

It's an illusion that if you get more specific facts on a subject, you're gaining rapport. You're not. You're just gaining specialized knowledge about a subject. You might as well read a textbook.

 

[leeman67]

Social Weenie...

What is strange to all of this is sometimes , I can go up to a total knockout stranger and ask her out. Then other times, I cant mumble hello to someone I am familar with .