Her "Male Friends"

[Iago]

Her it goes...

My GF wants to go off with a male freind for "lunch." she says that is all that it is, and there are no more intentions. But I for one know that this "freind" is attracted to her, and this actually lunch is a date.

So naturally, I told her I object to her going, and she got all mad saying I didn't trust her, and that I won't let her have any male freinds.

But I believed I am justified, she is my Gf, we are dating, why the hell would she want to go off and eat "lunch" with another male if we are together?

Your comments are welcomed.

 

[TillTheEndOfTime]

hmm...some more info please. How many "guy friends" does she have? How long has she known this particular "guy friend"? How long have you two been dating? How do you know he is attracted to her? Is she aware that he is attracted to her?

The last question is important. If you answer yes to that I can tell you right now that it definetely is a red flag. Nothing good can come out of that because she is either

a) An attention *****
b) Attracted to him too and wants to explore that possiblity
c) All of the above.

 

[Iago]

She has 2 guy freinds that I know of...
She hasn't known this guy for long, about maybe 2 weeks....
We have been dating a year...
Because she told he he called her pretty...
And I think she is in denial about hsi attraction, saying that she is not his "type," and that he woudn't go for her....


And I am still objecting to her going!

 

[FrankWank]

The one who cares less wins. You gave her power by showing her, your feelings and that you care, giving her the upper hand.
Since you brought it to her attention, and she still goes, i say "DUMP HER" right there on the spot and move on. Doing that will give you back the power, and you'll feel good about it

 

[Gonzalo]

... I happen to know Iago from real life, and am aware of this little situation, so I feel the need to comment.

Iago, man... I know you love this girl, but think about it...

She's with you, and suddenly some lowlife comes in telling her "she's pretty" and asking her out, and then she has the cheek to ask you it's ok to go out with him?

By all definitions and in all idioms, asking out to lunch IS a date...
Hell, asking someone to study one night for a test is a date too, don't fool yourself.

I say if she really wants to go, let her, I mean, she might not be sure of what she wants and wants to explore life a bit more, but let her know that she can't do that WHILE you two are together.

That's what I think, at least, is the DJ way to handle this. Just a thought.

G

 

[Iago]

She says it is ok, because by telling me, she is being open and honest and not sneaking around...
And that is why it isn't a date, because she told me.

WTF is that suppose to mean?

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

It means that you need to work on your game and your self esteem. If both were higher you wouldn't care who she has lunch with, even ex boyfriends. You wouldn't care because both you and her knows unequivocally that you are the best man that she could ever find and she'd be stupid to do anything to jeopardize that.

Unfortunately you sound like the jealous insecure type that should be afraid of any DJ that comes around. Your actions will probably drive her away before another DJ comes around and steals her from you. She's putting up with your sh1t for now but who knows how long it will last.

 

[Gonzalo]

Dude, she's just asking for your permission, to take the guilt off her. It IS a date, no matter what her feminist friends might say. If she really wants to go off with some other guy why should you be waiting around like a dork? Pull your pants up, man

 

[Disconnect]

Let her go. If she comes back, she's yours....

Heard that quote?

 

[Dingus]

I can say from experience that this isn't a good situation. But what are you going to do about it? If you throw a fit over it she'll be even more inclined to explore the possibilites in these other "friends." I once had a girl that lied to me about being just friends with multiple guys. Later on I found out she had slept with 4 of them...OUCH! Needless to say I was crushed but not just at her lieing to me, I hated myself for it because I saw it coming a mile away and refused to remove myself from the situation. Perfect AFC behavior and something I will NEVER do again.

Sorry if this post is going to make you paranoid. There are girls that do honestly have a couple guy friends and it's harmless, but the 2 weeks thing would make me really nervous. The girl that did this to me was pretty much insane and lie without even knowing it. Only a handful of woman are like this and they lead disgusting, unhappy lives. They have usually grown up in an abusive family as well.

I think this is perfect situation to take the advice, "be the one in that cares the least about the relationship." You're not just saying goodbye but you're distancing yourself from that attachment as much as possible.

 

[Iago]

But if she ocmes back, is she worth keeping then?

And as for insecure, I just think it is the priciple of the idea. If she loved me as much as she says she does, then why would she want to go off with another guy?

 

[TillTheEndOfTime]

Originally posted by Iago
She has 2 guy freinds that I know of...
She hasn't known this guy for long, about maybe 2 weeks....
We have been dating a year...
Because she told he he called her pretty...
And I think she is in denial about hsi attraction, saying that she is not his "type," and that he woudn't go for her....


And I am still objecting to her going!

"She says it is ok, because by telling me, she is being open and honest and not sneaking around...
And that is why it isn't a date, because she told me.

WTF is that suppose to mean?"

Iago: Let me get my translator out for you: "This way when I dump you for another guy I can still feel good about myself and I won't look like a cheater. Plus, since I'm making this look innocent, I won't lose you while I'm looking for another guy."

Iago, she's most likely turning you into a fall-back guy. My gut tells me she is out looking for another guy and will hold onto you until (and only until) she finds him. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Don't put up with this. If I were you, I would take one of these options:

1) Start seeing other girls in the same way she's seeing other guys. You can turn her bull**** around on her by saying it's just a lunch with a "friend" just as she claims . If you trust me you wouldn't care, blah blah blah. Basically give her a taste of her own medicine. Turn her own games around on her while at the same time looking for another girl.

2) Flat out dump her.

 

[Dingus]

It is possible for girls to honestly want friends, nothing more, who are male. I for one would consider a guy who doesn't allow his girlfriend to have male friends to be really contolling and insecure. If I had a girlfriend that said I couldn't have female friends I would toss her. Just play it as smooth as possible like it doesn't bother you she wants to have lunch with a male friend. Hard to do but it can be affective.



Oh, and I agree with Till's option 1. I think that's great route to go without seeming like a control freak.

 

[TillTheEndOfTime]

Originally posted by Dingus
It is possible for girls to honestly want friends, nothing more, who are male. I for one would consider a guy who doesn't allow his girlfriend to have male friends to be really contolling and insecure. If I had a girlfriend that said I couldn't have female friends I would toss her. Just play it as smooth as possible like it doesn't bother you she wants to have lunch with a male friend. Hard to do but it can be affective.

I am 99.9999999% sure this isn't the case. It was for this exact reason that I asked Iago how long she has known this "guy friend". He said it has been about 2 weeks. Give me a break. The girls that have honest, innocent guy friends are the ones that have known them for a long time (sometimes for most of their lives). This is obviously not the case in Iago's situation.

Iago, take heed to the warnings in this thread. This is NOT an innocent "guy friend".

 

[Dingus]

I agree with you here. My top post says the 2 week thing would make me really nervous. That's obviously a big WARNING.

 

[Iago]

So?

Should I let her go and be the "sweet understanding boyfreind who trust her" and risk losing her....

Or should I say no, out of the question, and become the insecure controlling *******, and still risk losing her...

Either way the situations seems doomed...

And I'm truly at a loss.

 

[Dingus]

Do what Till said. Start hanging out with other girls and play the game. You risk losing her either way so I think it's best to keep it cool and not lay down rules for her. That would only lead to a bad relationship and give you a bad reputation. Just realize you're better than this and you can play this game as well or better than she can. Consider yourself one step ahead of her.

 

[TillTheEndOfTime]

Originally posted by Iago
So?

Should I let her go and be the "sweet understanding boyfreind who trust her" and risk losing her....

Or should I say no, out of the question, and become the insecure contorlling *******, and still risk losing her...

Either way the situations seems doomed...

And I truly at a loss.

You're right about one thing. This relationship you have is probably doomed, but this doesn't mean you have to be doomed along with it.

Take positive action. How about instead of waiting around like a sitting duck for her to leave you and be left with nothing, you go out and start finding some of your own "friends" . Don't be stupid like those wussy guys and turn a dumb girl into your "EVERYTHING" . SHE IS NOT "everything". She is not the centre of your universe. Life started before her and life will continue after her. Withdraw your emotional investment in the relationship and start looking at her more as a friend. I understand this is easier said than done, but it will come with time, trust me.

In the meanwhile build contacts with other girls so you're ready for the dreaded *DA DA DA* "Let's just be friends" line. Instead of being one of those FOOLS (AFCs) crying "How could you leave me!? I loved you! I can't live without you!" You can be one of those DJs that says "Friends? Cool hunny. Hey look, I'll call you back my girlfriend is on the other line. PEACE."

Tell me. Which person would you rather be?

 

[Iago]

Well...

Thanks for the advice, I guess it is a wait and see process, to figure out if she will go off with this guy against my wishes...

 

[frivolousz21]

what the **** is going on in here...I know that I am a wierd **** sometimes..and I say and do stupid ****..but there is one thing...I do everything I want to do.

now for ur advice....

Id tell her.. **** this ****...im going to make female friends..have a nice ****ing day...if she leaves you..to bad for her..meanwhile you have now met new women.which will make her jealous and beg for you back and even get rid of her new guys...if she chooses to go for good..then good ****ing RIDDANCE!