Her ex is stealing her back

[Sheasta]

So basically just looking for some advice for this situation I'm in. Me and this girl have been talking for about 2 - 3 months now daily. This was while she was dating her current ex. We have a real connection. We both knew our feelings went further then friendship. One day they broke up so I asked her to hang out (her ex was controlling and jealous and didn't let her hang with other guys). She said Ya and to my dismay a day later cancelled due to "working things out with her ex." so fine whatever. I move on. They break up again a few weeks later. She asks me to hang out. I agree. We hang out 4 times over the passed 2 weeks. Last time we hung out we got intimate (and she kept complimenting me on how "good" I was). That was Monday. Was supposed to come over today, but told me last night she talked her ex and they're again "Trying to work things out." I was unhappy because she told me she wasn't going to get back with him this time (I asked the first day we hung out). She's coming by tonight to talk about it. Should I let her go, talk her out of it, suggest giving it more time?

Normally I wouldn't care. But like I said I feel like we have a real connection, and I really like her. Her and her ex have a lot of history so it seems they keep patching things up because of this.

 

[sylvester the cat]

no-one is stealing anyone. she has a mind and will of her own.

i hope you slept with this girl. if so, drop this girl and walk away immediately. too much baggage to deal with.

 

[Sheasta]

Needed a jump out at you title. I did sleep with her. I just actually like her and am reluctant to just walk away like I would normally do.

Think that's my best bet?

 

[sylvester the cat]

Needed a jump out at you title. I did sleep with her. I just actually like her and am reluctant to just walk away.

Think that's my best bet?

of course you're reluctant to walk away. i'm willing to bet my house you're not sleeping with any other woman right now other than this girl hence your attraction. don't kid yourself. if any other hottie approached you demanding you slept with her this girl wouldn't even register on your mind.

if she felt the same about you this other guy wouldn't even register on her mind. but apparently he does. go figure. walk away now while you still have your dignity intact. two things will happen as a result:

1) dignity intact as mentioned
2) more than likely she will have you on her mind

going ghost is a win win situation for you.

 

[Sheasta]

Well I'm not currently sleeping with anyone else, No. But I was sleeping with another girl before I started sleeping with this girl. But this isn't a lust thing. The other girl was. I guess you're right though I should probably just move on. Girls can't get rid of a guy they have history with and invested time in. Any other suggestions?

 

[sylvester the cat]

suggestions?

spin plates. IRL, POF, tinder, whatever it takes. i guarantee you attention from other women will cure you of this ailment in no time and put you in a position of power cos right now where this girl is concerned you have no power and that is detrimental. lack of choices = lack of power.

it might not have been lust for you but it looks like it sure was for her.

 

[Sheasta]

Hmm. If age matters at all in these conversations were both 23. I think it's more like she likes me too. But she's overly attached / bound by there long passed. I don't think she would have slept with me(out of lust) as she's only slept with a few guys ever and it took a lot off work (considerably more so than the average girl) to sleep with her. Maybe that's just wishful thinking. I'm generally pretty good at reading people and seeing through bull s***.

I'm still going to take the advice though. I figure she'll be back when he messes up yet again.

But she's coming to my house after work tonight to discuss the situation. Which Is a bit different than her just being like "John doe and I are trying to work things out kthxbye." So should I tell her not to come, let her come and try to sleep with her, let her come and tell her to do what she wants and pretend I don't care?

Thanks Sylvester

Edit: this girl and I work together and she is fully aware that I'm capable of getting other girls and of my passed from work flings. So the power thing probably doesn't apply to this situation.

 

[sylvester the cat]

Hmm. If age matters at all in these conversations were both 23. I think it's more like she likes me too. But she's overly attached / bound by there long passed. I don't think she would have slept with me(out of lust) as she's only slept with a few guys ever and it took a lot off work (considerably more so than the average girl) to sleep with her. Maybe that's just wishful thinking. I'm generally pretty good at reading people and seeing through bull s***.

I'm still going to take the advice though. I figure she'll be back when he messes up yet again.

But she's coming to my house after work tonight to discuss the situation. Which Is a bit different than her just being like "John doe and I are trying to work things out kthxbye." So should I tell her not to come, let her come and try to sleep with her, let her come and tell her to do what she wants and pretend I don't care?

Thanks Sylvester

mistake numero uno - making excuses for her or second guessing her intentions. at 23 she's a big girl.

i've been in this position before and it sounds like she wants her cake and to eat it too.

by all means let her come by but bear in mind what is there to discuss? she's already told you she wants to make it work with the other guy.

know what you want out of this discussion and stick to it. either you or the other guy. then let her make her decision.

edit - i guess its too late to tell you don't mess with girls you work with. lol.

 

[Sheasta]

Ya a little late for that lol. It's hard when you work with lots of beautiful girls and work 50+ hours a week. You may be right. I guess I just don't want to lose her and it's not because she put out.. All girls put out. This one's just different. I think my best coarse of action would be to tell her me or him and pretend I don't care as much as I do. Down talking him is just gonna make me look like a b****... Even if what I say is the truth.


Something along the lines of: " There's a lot I could say, but it seems you've already made up your mind so what's the point? It's either me or him. Do what you need to do."

 

[Harry Wilmington]

Good LORD, man, what's with you wanting to have some uber-emotional talk with a girl about this situation?? No, seriously - when did men start growing vaginas and wanting to have these "it's either him or it's me" conversations?? That's what WOMEN are supposed to do!

Anyway... so you slept with a girl that's not over her ex, and she probably did it with you because she needed the physical release that she wasn't getting from him. Boo-hoo. Either way, you got some - just because a girl gives you some doesn't mean she's attached to you. Yes, contrary to popular belief they, too, can have sex simply to have sex. So she used you to get her rocks off, now she wants back with the ex-BF. You can't take these things personally. More importantly, though, you can't let her sudden change-of-heart affect you - and if it IS affecting you, you don't need to show it to her.

Were this me, I'd handle it like this:

Her: "So, yeah, I know I said I wasn't going to get back together with this guy, but I just have such strong feelings for him, and..."
Me: "Well, if that's the way you feel, you should go back to him."
Her: "Um... excuse me?"
Me: "Yeah - my goal isn't to stop someone from being happy. I thought we had a good thing going, but if he's the one you're trying to be with, that's cool too."
Her: "Um... okay... I just don't want you to be mad, and..."
Me: "Trust me, I'll be fine. No hard feelings at all."

Why would this be my reaction? Because I'm not stuck on the outcome of it having to work out with this ONE girl, and I'm confident enough to know I could find another. I have also found that acting detached to the outcome will usually make the other person wonder why you're not obsessing about them, and it usually results in me getting what I want, i.e. having that person want to date me.

That's all I got - hope this helps!

 

[Sheasta]

Thanks for the input. I'll try to lose my vag.

 

[Induced Drag]

Sheasta your situation sounds very similar to mine. I'll spare you all of the details. I'd take Harry's advice. Don't try to use logic on her. Don't get emotional. Even though it is bothering you don't show her that it is.

 

[Sheasta]

Ok although you are probably all correct to a certain point. Everyone keeps going to that "she used you for sex" thing. In my first post I mentioned I've been talking to her for quite some time. This girl flat out told me she has feelings for me. Which of course could possibly have been a lie. But why lie? She's attractive, I'd help her "release" regardless. I'm still going with the advice I was given but it's not as cut and dry as you all think is all I'm trying to say.

 

[VladPatton]

There's nothing to talk about, man. Tell her you're busy tonight, tell her you have a date with a chick. Pull the same thing she's blatantly pulling on you. ''I like my ex, no I wanna bang you, no I really do like my ex more, but wait, hold on, oh I don't know, but, but, but... '' Fück that, man. And all the while you just go on with it until she finally dumps your ass for another dude who dumped her in return.

This is a soap opera. Tell her you don't have time for this, be busy, and that's that. If she keeps on texting you, then meet up to fück, that's it. This girl wants her cake and to eat it too, with no regards for your time.

These are the girls that go back to exes 3, 5, 10 months down the road, and you'll be right where you are now once more. Don't let that happen. Chalk it up to banging a hot crazy chic and move on. Don't inherit the headache.

 

[Sheasta]

Thanks guys.

 

[goldengoose]

Talking 2-3 months with her is nothing. If she is talking with the ex you're wasting your time. she should be over him and moved on. Chicks who dump their ex's are with a new man by now.

 

[Sheasta]

Well he just started trying to get her back. They've only been broken up like 2 weeks. My mistake I guess.

 

[goldengoose]

Well he just started trying to get her back. They've only been broken up like 2 weeks. My mistake I guess.

You guess? Well which is it? 2 weeks or 2 months? Your memory seems to be a bit fuzzy. If she wanted you to herself she wouldn't have any ideas about going back to the ex. Why would she want him back if she was banging you? When she is in a relationship, she shouldn't be hanging out with other guys. A BIG RED FLAG right there. She will do the same to you if you get in one with her. I don't think this chick is all that into you as you think. She is showing clear signs of that.

 

[JohnChops]

Good LORD, man, what's with you wanting to have some uber-emotional talk with a girl about this situation?? No, seriously - when did men start growing vaginas and wanting to have these "it's either him or it's me" conversations?? That's what WOMEN are supposed to do!

Anyway... so you slept with a girl that's not over her ex, and she probably did it with you because she needed the physical release that she wasn't getting from him. Boo-hoo. Either way, you got some - just because a girl gives you some doesn't mean she's attached to you. Yes, contrary to popular belief they, too, can have sex simply to have sex. So she used you to get her rocks off, now she wants back with the ex-BF. You can't take these things personally. More importantly, though, you can't let her sudden change-of-heart affect you - and if it IS affecting you, you don't need to show it to her.

Were this me, I'd handle it like this:

Her: "So, yeah, I know I said I wasn't going to get back together with this guy, but I just have such strong feelings for him, and..."
Me: "Well, if that's the way you feel, you should go back to him."
Her: "Um... excuse me?"
Me: "Yeah - my goal isn't to stop someone from being happy. I thought we had a good thing going, but if he's the one you're trying to be with, that's cool too."
Her: "Um... okay... I just don't want you to be mad, and..."
Me: "Trust me, I'll be fine. No hard feelings at all."

Why would this be my reaction? Because I'm not stuck on the outcome of it having to work out with this ONE girl, and I'm confident enough to know I could find another. I have also found that acting detached to the outcome will usually make the other person wonder why you're not obsessing about them, and it usually results in me getting what I want, i.e. having that person want to date me.

That's all I got - hope this helps!

men are all ppvssies now, why? who the hell knows but people EMBRACE this way of living. its horrible.

spot on as always harry

 

[MrNiceGuy23]

I don't understand why so many guys come on here asking for help, and then reject all the advice they're given because they didn't hear what they wanted. OP you wanted us to come in and say "Don't give up it sounds like she's the one! She's worth fighting for you can do it if you love her!" but that's not the case with your situation and this is definitely not the forum to look for such advice.

I'm all about trying to make things work with a girl I like a lot, and I'm all about not spinning plates if you're with a girl who really makes you happy and you don't want to mess that up, but not if the girl is disrespecting you and her intentions are clearly not the same as your own.

You said this girl and her ex have a lot of history together, I'm assuming this means YEARS of history, 2 weeks after a break up is NOTHING for a relationship of that length. It can take months or longer for someone to get over an ex in a long term relationship. You moved in too quickly so she either used you as a rebound or she thought the grass might be greener with you and it wasn't.

You can listen to her complain and talk about the situation but it should mean nothing to you unless she comes over and says "I thought about it a lot and realized I want to be with you." Cut and dry, if she says anything other than that, tell her that's her decision and you respect it, but you're not going to mess around with her any longer (unless you just want to keep her around as a FWB but it's clear you want to date her) and then ask her to leave. No crying, no emotional outbreak, be short, sweet, and to the point. "It's your decision to go back with your ex, but I'm not going to deal with the drama that comes with continuing to see you." She knows her ex doesn't like when she hangs out with other guys, let alone a guy she's slept with, if she's willing to go back to him AND continue seeing you against his will then she's a low quality girl anyways. Move on.