help with working things out with my ex.

[killakxx27]

hey guys, I've read and referred to this forum many times over the past year but never bothered to make an account or ask for advice due to the vast amount of information available through this site, didn't feel necessary, until now...

to keep things short, i was with my ex for 6.5 years total, we lived & also worked together for 5 years, broke up back in may13' basically due to a lack of interest on my part and things becoming stale and routine.

we agreed to a "break" for a couple weeks where she stayed with her dad, before i totally ended it myself, she moved out, i went NC (even though we worked together) for months at a time, she always ended up reaching out to me, wanting to "talk about things", try to "work things out" etc etc. which never really ended up going anywhere..

the catch was she jumped into a rebound relationship with a scumbag not even a month after we officially broke up, dude was on drugs, **** went south shortly after and that's when the whole back and forth between her and I really started.

she said she really wanted to work things out this time, wrote me long apologizing emails for everything, said she sees us having a future together, etc. fast forward a couple months of taking things slow, we have been going on a couple dates a week, text all day, kiss, lovey dovey mushy stuff...

however, i told her i was getting tired of this taking things slow thing, & felt like we are either going to do this or we are not...she says she is still not ready to officially get back together or go any further than we have been at this point, (meaning she doesn't want to have sex again yet) because she says it just feels "off", and doesn't feel those "intimate" feelings yet like she has in the past, even though she says she has feelings for me, kisses me, flirty text messages, etc.

i know most would say just "next" her. but we never had real issues and pretty solid relationship for the majority of the time, i love the girl, & i think we both didn't know how to deal with problems when they really did arise., so i do want to make this work one way or another, & I've pulled back a bit too

advice?

 

[DonJuanit0]

she says she is still not ready to officially get back together or go any further than we have been at this point, (meaning she doesn't want to have sex again yet) because she says it just feels "off", and doesn't feel those "intimate" feelings yet like she has in the past, even though she says she has feelings for me, kisses me, flirty text messages, etc.
advice?

One question before moving on,

Would you, have sex with her, even if you didn't feel all those things she says she doesn't feel now?

Place yourself in her shoes, do you believe this is legit?

 

[killakxx27]

well, I would have sex with a lot of girls I didn't feel all warm and fuzzy about lol but to answer your question, im not sure what to believe or if that's legit or not.

its just a weird situation to me because if she wasn't attracted to me, why would she even want to try to work things out? or even kiss me ? (which she almost always initiates too)

she always the one who initiates texts/calls, and always asking if I want to go to dinner, see a movie, etc etc.

I don't get it.

 

[DonJuanit0]

Well I tried, I believe it is better for you to understand why to act like that rather than just be told! People will soon start posting about how you need to go nc or next her or w/e.

See, what is difficult for most people to understand is that women are not SO different from us men.

What I mean is,

well, I would have sex with a lot of girls I didn't feel all warm and fuzzy about lol

this does not apply only to you, or me. This applies to almost everyone, man or woman! You said that 1 month after you broke up from a 6.5 years LTR, she found someone else, they probably had sex, so... Do you see it?

Did she get feelings for him within less 1 month? Did she "know" him before you even break up? (cause if she did...) You see, it doesn't make sense.

its just a weird situation to me because if she wasn't attracted to me, why would she even want to try to work things out? or even kiss me ? (which she almost always initiates too)

she always the one who initiates texts/calls, and always asking if I want to go to dinner, see a movie, etc etc.

I don't get it.

If she wasn't attracted to you... Well, you have been her validation for 6.5 years am I wrong? Is it so wrong for her to get some more from you before moving on or doing whatever she wants?

I can not jump to a conclusion and say next her or go nc, mostly because women DO think with their emotions. The only thing you need to know is why does she act like that! In my opinion she is either a lost case, or you need to back up and make clear to her that you are not here to fool around! I could go back to primary school and send texts and give kisses!

What I'd say would be something like, "you seem to want time then, well you can have your time and I'll do my own staff, when you make your intentions and your feelings clear, if I am able, we can get together and see what happens."

 

[Dgwizdal]

Great advice DonJuanito....NOT.


Your "problems" have nothing to do with it. Pretty solid relationship = girl who's bored to death.

Problem is she is not attracted to you anymore and more than likely you have put yourself in the friend zone for sticking around like an AFC when she had her fun with a bad boy. Right now she is stringing you along while she gets her cheeks clapped by someone else or is planning on it. You are her safety net and security blanket.

Then - you ruined any progress you had made by giving her an ultimatum and putting her in the driver seat of the relationship furthering you into a friend zoned phaggot.

You dumped her, she flipped the frame on you, and now she has the power and she knows it. What does she need you for now? You have no value, you're no fun, and no challenge. She's in control after you dumped her. Huge F*ck Up. The only thing you can do in order to rebuild her attraction for you is to starting banging other women, make sure she knows about it, and move on from her IE: NEXTING HER. Go ghost.

There is a reason why you get told to NEXT a girl after a failed relationship. It is because her interest and attraction to you has dwindled and anything you say or do in an attempt to work things out or win her back will further destroy her attraction and solidify you as a loser. Wanna know why she won't f*ck you? It's for the exact reason above. Its over bro.

Your situation is no different than the 100's of posts before. Time to swallow the bitter red pill.

 

[killakxx27]

understood. loud & clear.

 

[killakxx27]

I forgot to add, she has said, on multiple occasions, that she is 100% committed to working things out.

not sure if that changes or means anything at all, probably not.. lol

I think im cursed with optimistic delusion

 

[Dgwizdal]

understood. loud & clear.

Good - please do not chase her. Actions speak louder than words - She'll show her true colors once you completely pull away and MEAN IT. You have done things half-ass right by not going full retard AFC beta and pulling away some. Cut ties completely now. TELL HER YOUR NOT INTERESTED AND BREAKING UP WAS THE BEST THING and then go ghost. If she caves - you're still not interested. Puts you back in the drivers seat, reestablishes your value and challenge, and puts you in prime position to focus on YOU.

You still have your nuts - If you have ANY SHOT WHATSOEVER of bangin her out again - you must make her work for you and then make her work some more until she goes f*ckin nuts. However that is NOT the goal here. Let her beat down your door for 3,4,5 months while you Focus on yourself, start talking to new girls, making money, and moving the f*ck on. She will be yours for the taking if you want her after you get your head right but you most likely won't give a f*ck by then. Go to the NC Thread - plenty of great advice, horror AND success stories, and motivation there.

The goal of the outcome cannot be to get her back but to become outcome independent. IE: Could give a f*ck what happens. The only way to have a fair shot at both sides is to get over her and become a better man for YOU.



....And from here on out REMEMBER: Never stop gaming a girl, Never forget who the prize is, Always keep her chasing, and Always be willing to walk away.

 

[killakxx27]

Good - please do not chase her. You have done thing half-ass right by pulling away. Do it completely, focus on yourself, start talking to new girls and making money ASAP. Go to the NC Thread - plenty of great advice, horror stories, and motivation there.

And from here on out REMEMBER: Never stop gaming a girl, Never forget who the prize is, Always keep her chasing, and Always be willing to walk away.

I know, I've known all along, I just want what I want. guess its the whole "wanting what you cant have"... and I guess ill have to switch that up on her now.

just sucks because its not what I want.

 

[Tomo]

I forgot to add, she has said, on multiple occasions, that she is 100% committed to working things out.

not sure if that changes or means anything at all, probably not.. lol

I think im cursed with optimistic delusion

Woman 101 - don't believe anything a woman says 99.99% is cow dung the other 1% is emotion tampon'ing. Only believe her actions and in this case she has shown you with her rebound.

 

[killakxx27]

ok, so with the end goal in mind of possibly getting back together with her the way I want , & with us being in the process of "working things out" or whatever the f this is suppose to be...

how should I go about cutting this off for now in the most productive way possible, with the end goal in mind.?

 

[Dgwizdal]

ok, so with the end goal in mind of possibly getting back together with her the way I want , & with us being in the process of "working things out" or whatever the f this is suppose to be...

how should I go about cutting this off for now in the most productive way possible, with the end goal in mind.

I edited my post - reread it.

 

[DonJuanit0]

ok, so with the end goal in mind of possibly getting back together with her the way I want , & with us being in the process of "working things out" or whatever the f this is suppose to be...

how should I go about cutting this off for now in the most productive way possible, with the end goal in mind.

I gave you the killer phrase dude! Next time she says no: "you seem to want time then, well you can have your time and I'll do my own staff, when you make your intentions and your feelings clear, if I am able, we can get together and see what happens."

She will either have sex with you, which I doubt, or she will start complaining and whining! You act like the better man you are and leave.

Find youself other women and persue your goals in life!

 

[killakxx27]

I edited my post - reread it.

ok, will do & thanks again.

 

[killakxx27]

I gave you the killer phrase dude! Next time she says no: "you seem to want time then, well you can have your time and I'll do my own staff, when you make your intentions and your feelings clear, if I am able, we can get together and see what happens."

She will either have sex with you, which I doubt, or she will start complaining and whining! You act like the better man you are and leave.

Find youself other women and persue your goals in life!

agreed, not bad lol thanks for your time as well, appreciate it.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Almost all women can only be sexually attracted to one guy at a time. It sounds like the biggest problem right now is that she has (and probably still is) having sex with someone else. And you have not. The score is not even. You need to go even the score. She will feel less guilty; she will respect you more, and she might even have sex with you again. But more importantly, being with someone else will give you a much better perspective on her.

 

[killakxx27]

Almost all women can only be sexually attracted to one guy at a time. It sounds like the biggest problem right now is that she has (and probably still is) having sex with someone else. And you have not. The score is not even. You need to go even the score. She will feel less guilty; she will respect you more, and she might even have sex with you again. But more importantly, being with someone else will give you a much better perspective on her.

well I did in fact date another girl for over a month, had sex with her multiple times, I broke things off becuz she got attached quick and I still wasn't over my ex or ready to be in a relationship and she was, (remember, this all started back in may last year )

my ex was aware of this, as I was aware of her rebound relationship.

I have a gut feeling she may still be seeing him, however she says she broke things off with the guy, the guy is a recovering drug addict, who was addicted to pain pills, he actually tried to kill himself when she broke things off with him, & her brother confirms this as well, and also says he and her are not together either, maybe smoke & mirrors tho, who knows...

 

[cordoncordon]

I would say any girl that would date a drug addict who still has so many issues that he tried to kill himself over a breakup is probably not someone you need to be with. To me that implies a woman that has issues of her own. Not to mention you dated for 6 years. I think if you two cannot figure it out in 6 years, odds are it is not going to work out. That is MORE than enough time to be dating someone and not have it go any further than that.

I speak from experience with this. I too dated a girl for over 5 years. Lived together as well. But I always knew in the back of my mind, way down deep, that I just wasnt THAT into her. I mean I loved her. I enjoyed being with her much of the time. But that IT feeling was not there. And we would have our share of disagreements and times where she would do things that would literally make me cringe and my skin crawl. So then we too took a break. She got a job in CA (we lived in the midwest) and so we still talked but were not together anymore as I stayed in MI. I ended up dating a girl who I REALLY liked, but due to a couple of things happening we could never take it further, even though I would have liked to. So then my ex and I got back together as I started flying out to CA to visit and ended up moving out there as I liked it so much. After another year or so (with those same feelings about her in my head not going away) we finally broke up for good. Literally within a week I met a girl out here and it was like night and day. I knew within a week I wanted to marry her. We have now been together 4 years, engaged, and we might have had 4 disagreements in those 4 years. And we do pretty much everything together.

My point is, if you had 6 years to figure it out and you are STILL having all of these issues? They are never going to go away. Relationships do not have to be that difficult. They can be easy and fun, the way they are supposed to be. My suggestion would be to move on, stop trying to get her back, and find someone that you truly love and want to be with and that feels the same about you.


Good luck.

 

[killakxx27]

I would say any girl that would date a drug addict who still has so many issues that he tried to kill himself over a breakup is probably not someone you need to be with. To me that implies a woman that has issues of her own. Not to mention you dated for 6 years. I think if you two cannot figure it out in 6 years, odds are it is not going to work out. That is MORE than enough time to be dating someone and not have it go any further than that.

I speak from experience with this. I too dated a girl for over 5 years. Lived together as well. But I always knew in the back of my mind, way down deep, that I just wasnt THAT into her. I mean I loved her. I enjoyed being with her much of the time. But that IT feeling was not there. And we would have our share of disagreements and times where she would do things that would literally make me cringe and my skin crawl. So then we too took a break. She got a job in CA (we lived in the midwest) and so we still talked but were not together anymore as I stayed in MI. I ended up dating a girl who I REALLY liked, but due to a couple of things happening we could never take it further, even though I would have liked to. So then my ex and I got back together as I started flying out to CA to visit and ended up moving out there as I liked it so much. After another year or so (with those same feelings about her in my head not going away) we finally broke up for good. Literally within a week I met a girl out here and it was like night and day. I knew within a week I wanted to marry her. We have now been together 4 years, engaged, and we might have had 4 disagreements in those 4 years. And we do pretty much everything together.

My point is, if you had 6 years to figure it out and you are STILL having all of these issues? They are never going to go away. Relationships do not have to be that difficult. They can be easy and fun, the way they are supposed to be. My suggestion would be to move on, stop trying to get her back, and find someone that you truly love and want to be with and that feels the same about you.


Good luck.

thanks for this, and I get what you're saying too.. there is a lot more to all this than I would like to get into right now, but I do understand.

like i said before, our biggest issue was spending way too much time together (which was basically 24/7, after living & working together for 5 years) we never fought or had issues @ all and got along great until the past year.

she is however, very immature and cupcake-ish too, (meaning she will start to cry within seconds of getting upset). just very difficult to just walk away from her but i get it.

probably my only choice @ this point, despite her trying to convince me she wants to work things out without giving "it" up just yet.

sigh.

 

[cordoncordon]

thanks for this, and I get what you're saying too.. there is a lot more to all this than I would like to get into right now, but I do understand.

like i said before, our biggest issue was spending way too much time together (which was basically 24/7, after living & working together for 5 years) we never fought or had issues @ all and got along great until the past year.

she is however, very immature and cupcake-ish too, (meaning she will start to cry within seconds of getting upset). just very difficult to just walk away from her but i get it.

probably my only choice @ this point, despite her trying to convince me she wants to work things out without giving "it" up just yet.

sigh.

Well if you aren't having sex but are trying to work things out? That makes no sense to me. You two aren't kids. Sex is a very valuable and important aspect to a relationship. It brings people closer together and helps to form a bond between two people that goes beyond what a friendship does. So for her to be withholding sex from you? To me that means she is using sex as a power trip over your head and is NOT that serious about working things out. She is more interested in punishing you than making it work.

No good.