Help with self sabotage

[countermart]

OK guys I need some advice on self sabotage. Here’s the background. I have just been through the divorce from hell after being together for about 15 years. Well the financial side of the court process is still ongoing, but I won 3 nights per week with my children, this being the most stressful thing for me. So I feel like the important bit is over. It’s so far taken a little over a year. Now of course my ex wants to get back together! But no thanks, enough is enough.

So at 44 I am back in the dating world. I should say I am reasonably successful – well shortly will be half as successful financially as I was, ha, ha, keep myself fit, and look really in the late 30s. I don’t consider myself good looking, I even think I am ugly and was teased at school, but a while back I was having a coffee with one of the women in the office and she just blurted out, “All the girls love you”. I said, “I don’t think so, why would that be?” and she said, “It’s because of your beautiful face.” Two other women have said I should have someone new in no time. Well I don’t believe it, but recently a lawyer girl with a boyfriend asked me out. We even ended up back at my place on the bed, but I’m thinking I don’t want this girl, so didn’t make a move, and just took her home. So here are my problems:

1. My standards have gone through the roof. I just associate so much pain with women now that I cannot be bothered with anyone that I do not consider top notch. This limits the field but creates my second problem.

2. I can’t seem to risk asking out the girl’s that I do like. For instance twice I have chatted to really great girls heading home from work. I have not introduced myself and so they have introduced themselves, we got on well, great eye contact etc but lame duck me, all I can do is give them my business card and say give me a call for a coffee sometime. Now I know this is AFC and of course they don’t call. Who can blame them, I wimp out. These girls are in their 20s and I just keep thinking, I’m too old for them, they will think I am some kind of sleaze. So I am getting nowhere fast. A similar thing happened shopping last week, when again the girl introduced herself after I smiled at her. I couldn’t even give this one my card ha, ha. This is driving me nuts, and I’m disgusted in myself, but I just cannot seem to make the jump to risk rejection when I have placed any value on a girl.

So you see I either disqualify them, or disqualify myself. Any advice on how to deal with this would be a big help.
Thanks,
Countermart

 

[WaterTiger]

First of all you need to back off of women for just a little while till you get your head on straight again. Focus on you, your hobbies, your child and your job. The last thing you need in your life is a woman right now.

Need to get laid? Hire an escort. You know up front what to pay her and she knows it's just for the night.

Go see a therapist a couple times, work through the pain, misery and betrayal of your divorce. Understand what went wrong and why. Learn to recognize those signs again.

Go out with your buddies. DO NOT let them hook you up with anyone right now. Take your kid to the zoo or the park. (Make sure they understand that no matter what, you are there for them and you love them. Try not to call their Mom a soul-sucking, castrating harpy in front of them)

When you get comfy with YOU again...then you can worry about bringing another woman in.

 

[countermart]

Thanks Watertiger

Thank you Watertiger for taking the time to reply to me. What happened on the breakup side was really out of anyones hands. The fact is we had many fantastic years but she got clinical depression following the birth of our first child and never got better despite treatment. It took me five years to realise that I was in love with someone that did not exist anymore. That sounds strange but you wake up everyday hoping the old person will come back. I could deal with her if it was just the stay in bed all day depression but it was more the put the boot into everyone, especially me type of depression, and its still ongoing.

As regards the children I am totally doing what you suggest and we are always out doing stuff together. My kids are fantastic, I'm very lucky.

On the girl front though I have met people that go through the whole divorce thing and end up bitter all their lives. I am determied not to be one of those people. I want to brush myself off and get on with life. I just feel opportunities are passing me by, but maybe you are right I just need to get back to me first. That sounds self -focused but as regards the new girl side of things I am the clear problem. I'll take your advice and work on myself for awhile. I guess after going through a storm you need to have some time to fix the sails. Thanks again. Countermart

 

[Interceptor]

When you say 'opportunities passing you by', what do you mean by that?

How important is having a woman or women in your life?

What value do you put your needs and Mission as a Man in life? What are your top priorities that are no negotiable?

If you have difficulty with the women you do find attractive, what is it exactly that makes you feel uncomfortable?

How are you less than any other man?

Have you ever thought that it is our Uniqueness as Men that is GENUINELY Attractive to women?

If you risk rejection you have to be wanting something very very deep from women if you fear receiving that much 'pain' from them.
You must define what you want. Long term, short term, dating, exclusivity, etc...

And make sure you know exactly WHAT is the REASON you want to meet up with a woman.
Are you just throwing out your bait and tackle?
Or are you really Interested in this woman?
Or do you just want to bang her?
Are you just going through the motions with her?

What is REAL about what youre doing? And what is FAKE?

What has she done or does for you that makes you WANT to be with her? And also, WHO is she as a Person that makes you want to be with her??



Think about these things.
It will be tough, but you have to go through it.

Good luck.

 

[countermart]

Thanks Interceptor

You are right I think I am basically putting too much weight on doing well with the girl. This probably comes from the breakup and how rough it has been. But really to place this outcome pressure on someone just met is crazy.

I am beginning to get the fact that I am enough because I am a man. Your points are great. The problem I guess is that I don’t care when I place little value on the other person, but when I do that changes my outlook...and makes the whole thing more important than it really is....really the interaction is just early days and if she does not treat me well I should be saying great...better than getting that after a decade of being married to her and just move on.

I need to look much more at what she brings to the table.

In terms of opportunities passing me by, I tend to get a lot of IOI but despite this find it hard to close. Clearly because I am building in my mind too much weight into the whole thing.

Can I ask you a question? There is a lot on this site about not showing obvious attraction to a women because you come off as desperate. However, this has not been my experience. I tend to get better results when I do show obvious attraction. What’s your view on this?

Thanks again. I’ll remember what you’ve said.
Countermart

 

[Interceptor]

Can I ask you a question? There is a lot on this site about not showing obvious attraction to a women because you come off as desperate. However, this has not been my experience. I tend to get better results when I do show obvious attraction. What’s your view on this?

Countermart, this is more or less having to do with how interested she is in you as a Person, versus how much Ego Validation she wants from you.

When we act very aloof, it tends to attract women who play hard to get. Women who play hard to get use that tactic to artificially inflate their value. A red flag.
It tends to get women curious about a man that isnt drooling, and tripping over himself to get her attention, or freaks out when/if she does give him even just a hint of her attention...
Shes so used to men acting like this, that she believes that the guy who doesnt act like that must be different and worth pursuing. Often only to find out that it wasnt real, it was a tactic, not how the guy really is.

A lot of good women actually complain that they thought they had something going on with a guy, but she never knew he really liked her because he was so distant and aloof. So eventually she got disinterested. So they assumed ' oh well, I guess he wasnt interested in me...'. And she was totally wrong. The guy was crazy about her. But since he couldnt calibrate or control his level of attraction and interest, he does the rookie thing of hiding it altogether.
Being cool means not freaking out, but being comfortable enough to show your attraction and interest in her unafraid.



You also must, absolutely MUST determine if WHO you want to Attract NOW is a person that you want as a long term partner.
While many of our seduction/courting interactions will attract most women, the women who are less suceptible to ego validation and are genuinely interested in an LTR wont continue to place as much weight on the techniques. Meaning, she will be looking at your Character, and your Integrity of Character.
So what kind of woman is it that wants you for your attention?
Not a very high self esteem or deep kind of woman. She isnt truly interested in you as a person...as a Man. She just thinks that you are HV because you withold your attention. The reason being is for men, who are inside drooling and ga ga over some chick are hiding it. Trying to 'act aloof'. So they can bypass her chump/chode detectors.

The truth is....you really have to not care.
Meaning, you must be in the most complete control of your emotional investment as possible. You cannot simply throw yourself at a woman. Any woman.
This doesnt mean not have any interest in women, but to know in whom to invest into.

In general, women do respond to men taking command, and leading.
So yes, if you can display your attraction and interest in her in a masculine, mature, and confident manner, they will respond well. Even if they arent that into you. They still find those Qualities Attractive.
So hiding feelings isnt really the most confident manner of interacting with a woman you are attracted to.
Honestly, most women feel uncomfortable with you trying so hard to hide something. And with women being so distrustful of men , it doesnt help to act in a manner that women find reeks of immaturity, insecurity , and unmanliness.

These traits and attributes are directly as a result of the Level of Masculinity we are feeling and holding in our personal boundary.
And for most women, these character traits of Masculinity ARE what makes us attractive.
You have to remember that women place high value on security and accountability. They want to trust us and be able to depend on us, and us keeping our word.
This is crucial.
These are manifestations of our level of Confidence in ourselves and our level of Masculinity.

Women test for these things.

They can see your outer self, but curious as they are, they want to KNOW your inner self.

I hope this helps.

Continued good fortune on your journey.

 

[countermart]

The power of not caring!

The truth is....you really have to not care.
Meaning, you must be in the most complete control of your emotional investment as possible. You cannot simply throw yourself at a woman. Any woman.
This doesnt mean not have any interest in women, but to know in whom to invest into.

In general, women do respond to men taking command, and leading.
So yes, if you can display your attraction and interest in her in a masculine, mature, and confident manner, they will respond well. Even if they arent that into you. They still find those Qualities Attractive.
So hiding feelings isnt really the most confident manner of interacting with a woman you are attracted to.
Honestly, most women feel uncomfortable with you trying so hard to hide something. And with women being so distrustful of men , it doesnt help to act in a manner that women find reeks of immaturity, insecurity , and unmanliness.

Thanks again Interceptor. I absolutely agree with you. Particularly about not caring. The fact is as perverse as it is, this works, even in business. The attitude of, “Look here is the offer, here is the interest, but if you don’t want to play it’s all the same to me,” works. I guess it should because it demonstrates that the person has value and choices and you had better not miss the opportunity. Also, by not caring about the outcome you are more willing to take risks and try.

Really as regards women this is something I have forgotten. Why have such an emotional investment in someone you have only just met. I need to get back to this attitude.

In fact, I got my current great job this way. My mother had just died and I was in a frame where I just did not care. Three Directors interviewed me at three different times. They wanted a fourth interview with another Director that was away at the time. I flatly refused, and told them forget about it, if they couldn’t make up their mind after three interviews I wasn’t interested. They got the HR girl to call and apologise and begged me to come on board. That was three years ago.
Countermart