I apologize for the long post, but I feel that I’m experiencing a dilemma that requires some sort of a resolution.
About three years ago I became the supervisor of a woman whom I found to be full of contradictions. (Currently I’m 43 and she is 39.) She was easy to deal with in work situations, yet revealed nothing about herself. She also, at least to me, came across as rather sweet, but as someone with a foreboding aura about herself.
We became friendly and starting talking on a regular basis. The conversations, however, seldom veered into personal topics. She must have heard from others that I have a live-in girlfriend, and that our relationship was somewhat on shaky ground. Sometime later I found out that she (my coworker) had started seeing a guy regularly.
While our conversations never delved into our private lives, I thought that my coworker’s body language suggested that she was attracted to me: she continuously ran her fingers through her hair, touched me occasionally, etc.
We had 3 or 4 lunches together and the pattern continued: lots of body language suggesting attraction, but few words indicating any interest. The conversation never exactly flowed and she never asked me anything about my past or interests. She kept on asking on a continuous basis, though, about my weekend plans. On a few occasions, when we both were complaining about our jobs, she commented that we were at least lucky to have met each other. When I told her that I wanted to find another job, she replied that I would be leaving her alone or something to that effect.
I concluded that this woman must have suffered some sort of an emotional trauma and didn’t have the willingness or the skills to elevate the flirting to a higher level. As to the body language suggesting attraction, I attributed that either she was doing it subconsciously, or simply was yanking my chain and was craving attention. I also found her contradictory behavior somewhat emotionally taxing.
While I was sexually attracted to her, I wasn’t exactly drawn to her personality: I sensed that there was something neurotic and codependent about her. So I acted warmly but rather aloof. And I was always nice to her and complemented her regularly.
Sometime later I was assigned a new job, in a different department and on a different floor of the building. I decided to not to go to lunches any longer and minimize my contacts with her. She kept visiting me regularly--whenever she had business on my floor-- and on my birthday bought me a slice of cake (with another female coworker). Since I hadn’t told her about my birthday, I can only assume that she must have looked me up in the system.
A couple of months ago we found out that she and I would be attending a 90- day training class together. Before the class started, she visited me twice and suggested that we seat together in the class.
So we started going to this class and seating next to each other. She opened up a little and told me that in her early twenties she had been in a five-year relationship and her boyfriend had unexpectedly left her. She took it so hard that she stopped dating for a long time. Now she is with this guy, they usually meet on weekends, have gone on several trips together, although the topic of marriage has never come up. I assume that the topic of marriage hasn’t been brought up by the boyfriend, since she told me that she wants to try marriage “at least once”, and also sensed that she wants to be on the good side of the boyfriend’s mother (the boyfriend lives with his mother).
I called in sick for one day and when I returned she kept repeating how much she had missed me and how lonely she had felt. She also often kept asking me where I had gone for lunch. She demonstrates the same body language, in addition of seating rather close to me.
So I found myself in the same psychically challenging situation as before: is this woman trying to tell me that she cares about me or is this some kind of a dysfunctional/manipulative symptom on her part?
Basically, if her interest in me is genuine, I would like to provide an acknowledgement and appreciation for her feelings. Then I would like to end on some kind of a happy note and tell her that while she and I are currently tied up with someone else, should it so happen that both of us are free, we should get together and give it a go.
I’m not exactly sure how to get her to reveal her true feelings toward me, though. I tried humor and she became very cagey and confessed that she plays it close to the vest. If I ask her straightforwardly whether she is interested in me she might panic, and attribute this to a huge misunderstanding on my part. I also do not want to directly ask her out because I’m not ready for a steady relationship with her. (It is clear to me that what she is looking for is a steady relationship ultimately resulting in marriage.)
So there is palpable tension between us and for some reason this is taking its toll on me. I could, of course, move on without broaching the subject. But somehow I feel that I have to talk to her but don’t exactly know how.
About three years ago I became the supervisor of a woman whom I found to be full of contradictions. (Currently I’m 43 and she is 39.) She was easy to deal with in work situations, yet revealed nothing about herself. She also, at least to me, came across as rather sweet, but as someone with a foreboding aura about herself.
We became friendly and starting talking on a regular basis. The conversations, however, seldom veered into personal topics. She must have heard from others that I have a live-in girlfriend, and that our relationship was somewhat on shaky ground. Sometime later I found out that she (my coworker) had started seeing a guy regularly.
While our conversations never delved into our private lives, I thought that my coworker’s body language suggested that she was attracted to me: she continuously ran her fingers through her hair, touched me occasionally, etc.
We had 3 or 4 lunches together and the pattern continued: lots of body language suggesting attraction, but few words indicating any interest. The conversation never exactly flowed and she never asked me anything about my past or interests. She kept on asking on a continuous basis, though, about my weekend plans. On a few occasions, when we both were complaining about our jobs, she commented that we were at least lucky to have met each other. When I told her that I wanted to find another job, she replied that I would be leaving her alone or something to that effect.
I concluded that this woman must have suffered some sort of an emotional trauma and didn’t have the willingness or the skills to elevate the flirting to a higher level. As to the body language suggesting attraction, I attributed that either she was doing it subconsciously, or simply was yanking my chain and was craving attention. I also found her contradictory behavior somewhat emotionally taxing.
While I was sexually attracted to her, I wasn’t exactly drawn to her personality: I sensed that there was something neurotic and codependent about her. So I acted warmly but rather aloof. And I was always nice to her and complemented her regularly.
Sometime later I was assigned a new job, in a different department and on a different floor of the building. I decided to not to go to lunches any longer and minimize my contacts with her. She kept visiting me regularly--whenever she had business on my floor-- and on my birthday bought me a slice of cake (with another female coworker). Since I hadn’t told her about my birthday, I can only assume that she must have looked me up in the system.
A couple of months ago we found out that she and I would be attending a 90- day training class together. Before the class started, she visited me twice and suggested that we seat together in the class.
So we started going to this class and seating next to each other. She opened up a little and told me that in her early twenties she had been in a five-year relationship and her boyfriend had unexpectedly left her. She took it so hard that she stopped dating for a long time. Now she is with this guy, they usually meet on weekends, have gone on several trips together, although the topic of marriage has never come up. I assume that the topic of marriage hasn’t been brought up by the boyfriend, since she told me that she wants to try marriage “at least once”, and also sensed that she wants to be on the good side of the boyfriend’s mother (the boyfriend lives with his mother).
I called in sick for one day and when I returned she kept repeating how much she had missed me and how lonely she had felt. She also often kept asking me where I had gone for lunch. She demonstrates the same body language, in addition of seating rather close to me.
So I found myself in the same psychically challenging situation as before: is this woman trying to tell me that she cares about me or is this some kind of a dysfunctional/manipulative symptom on her part?
Basically, if her interest in me is genuine, I would like to provide an acknowledgement and appreciation for her feelings. Then I would like to end on some kind of a happy note and tell her that while she and I are currently tied up with someone else, should it so happen that both of us are free, we should get together and give it a go.
I’m not exactly sure how to get her to reveal her true feelings toward me, though. I tried humor and she became very cagey and confessed that she plays it close to the vest. If I ask her straightforwardly whether she is interested in me she might panic, and attribute this to a huge misunderstanding on my part. I also do not want to directly ask her out because I’m not ready for a steady relationship with her. (It is clear to me that what she is looking for is a steady relationship ultimately resulting in marriage.)
So there is palpable tension between us and for some reason this is taking its toll on me. I could, of course, move on without broaching the subject. But somehow I feel that I have to talk to her but don’t exactly know how.