Help with inner game..

[Demodulate]

I find myself consistently shooting myself in the foot..


I go from dating ho hum "nice" girls, that invariably I find myself un attracted to, and end up breaking up with.. to girls I am sexually attracted to, but end up coming apart on game wise..

The last run went down in a blaze as I became jealous and resorted to a push pull, passive aggressive behavior that only worked until she got tired of the games...

I would basically be unhappy with something she did.. flip out, tell her to F-off, she would rush over and "make up" and eventually everything would return to status quo.. did this a few times over a few weeks.. till she just stopped coming over..

my game unraveled as I went down this road.. I honestly feel like a switch is thrown and just loose my cool.. once I lose my cool, i give in to impulse and make stupid decisions.. call girls names, etc..

basically turn into the raging nut job nobody would want to be with..


I can pinpoint 2 relationships that caused this behavior.. the 1st was a girl who ended up having a drug problem and would lie to me to go score with whoever had the drugs that day..

I had a complete melt down after a few days of denial.. told her to **** off and lose my number via voicemail.. she just disappeared..

a week later I was about psycho, calling every 10 secs at one point..

complete melt down..

A while later I dated another girl on the rebound, who was still talking to the ex.. I managed to hack into her email and phone records, and eventually verify what I believed.. she was cheating on me.. I began to stalk her when she was with me.. checking up on her.. again complete melt down.. my friends didnt even know who I was... in the end, it was a learning experience.. I dont spy anymore..

But its left me with this knee jerk reaction to basically push away anyone that even does something I perceive to be out of line, or doesnt do something I like..

I dumped a perfectly nice and good looking girl because she didnt want to come see me one day.. she tried to make amends, but I was so stubborn I wouldnt back down..

so good or bad... I fly of the handle if I am even remotely interested in the girl, and sense something wrong...

its a kneejerk response.. and when im done, im always like fvck.. screwed that up.. most of the times I can repair.. but after repeated BS like this.. they eventually dont come back..

now If its a girl im not into.. well mad game all day long.. cause I dont care..

what can I do to work on this?

 

[Truman181]

I agree with you to the extent that your behavior can be considered "Inner Game". Inner Game is all about your self esteem and what goes on in your head and you definitely have some negative patterns to break.

Dude, I have actually been in your shoes a few times. I didn't start dating until my early 20, had a low self esteem, and consequently, latched on tight to some of the girls I dated.

Make no mistake about it though, the behavior you are doing is WILDLY inappropriate. Even you said it was stalking. That means you can get into some BIG trouble if you don't cut it out. Don't feel ashamed about the way you are, just accept it and then accept that you need to give that sh!t up.

In my example I became so obsessed with what my girl was doing and who she was with that I decided to go to counseling. Mostly what happened there is that I learned to give up the negative behaviors one at a time and more importantly, work on my self esteem. The problem is a scarcity mentality. There are millions of girls out there and therefore none of them is worth worrying about to the point that you are.

Also, I can recommend a good book for you: Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie (spelling?). Now you are probably thinking to yourself "Codependent, that's not ME!" but think about it for a minute. Being Codependent means you focus on other people WAY too much, let their behavior dictate your life and live in a constant STATE OF REACTION. Attachment is bad. You need to free yourself of attachment to people and let go.

 

[SoCalMike]

Don't even think about dating anymore until you can resolve these issues.

I agree with the others, your major issue is self-esteem. You need to realize that your happiness DOES NOT depend on being with a woman. Being single is a blessing in most ways.

It's natural to feel sad, angry, etc. when a woman wrongs you (such as cheating) but you must learn to suppress these feelings, focus on all the other things that life has to offer (INCLUDING OTHER WOMEN) and move on.

I have flown off the handle on my ex-gf's, esp when I was in my early/mid 20's. so I know where you're coming from. But as you mature, you realize it's just not worth getting that upset about. You still feel the feelings of sadness/anger, but you tame them... you master them... you control them instead of letting them control you.

Being single is a blessing. You have freedom. Freedom to travel, work out, hobbies, etc.... in short, do all the things you want to do when you want to do them. Pvssy is nice, and so long as you work hard to maintain your looks and finances, pvssy will always come and go.

In the old days, men were men and women were women. You can't expect ideals today - i.e. the ideals of having a sweet loving non-feminist wife who will cook/clean/raise kids etc. It's possible, but it's rare. That is why you should not invest too much emotion into it. It's ok to hope, but don't let your happiness hinge on finding "the perfect girl".

 

[Demodulate]

i want to reiterate the fact that I dont stalk, or spy on my GF's anymore..

My friends where actually worried I had gone of the deep end, and in some ways I had.. I was focused on catching her in the act as I didnt want to lay all my cards on the table.. anyway..


thats was awhile ago.. and I learned from it..

if you have to look.. then you shouldnt be together.



I am just having issues with what I percieve to be a problem in the relationship and then my gut taking over.. and I tend to be spontaneous and irrational with the way I handle it. usually in anger.. only to later realise, I flew off the handle..

Its like I dont have stages of anger...

I am cool.. then I jam ust 100% angry...

and make poor decisions in the moment...

 

[Franky Four Fingers]

See a professional about your internal issues. Seriously.

It almost sounds like BPD but thats probably stretching it.

I wish you well.

 

[Truman181]

i want to reiterate the fact that I dont stalk, or spy on my GF's anymore..

My friends where actually worried I had gone of the deep end, and in some ways I had.. I was focused on catching her in the act as I didnt want to lay all my cards on the table.. anyway..


thats was awhile ago.. and I learned from it..

if you have to look.. then you shouldnt be together.



I am just having issues with what I percieve to be a problem in the relationship and then my gut taking over.. and I tend to be spontaneous and irrational with the way I handle it. usually in anger.. only to later realise, I flew off the handle..

Its like I dont have stages of anger...

I am cool.. then I jam ust 100% angry...

and make poor decisions in the moment...

I just gave you the answer you need to hear. It's not the one you WANT to hear but it's the answer you need to hear. All of the behaviors and emotional problems are related.

Don't rule out codependency, it's all related. Try finding the book I mentioned in a self help section of a bookstore and thumb through it. The first time i did that, it about floored me because it described my behavior to the letter.

-trying to control others
-being out of control
-checking on others
-not believing the truth
-believing lies
-lying to yourself
-being angry at yourself
-being angry at others for not acting how they SHOULD

Trust me, check it out.

Anyway, some of the issues you say you are having now sound like anger issues on top of everything else. Anger has been a problem for me as well (big surprise).

Again, it comes back to self esteem. You have to understand where anger comes from. Anger arises when you feel your needs aren't getting met. It happens when you believe you are being short changed, that others have it better, and that things aren't fair. ECT ECT. What I'm getting at is that if all of your needs were getting met, if you felt you had all you want and need in life, if you were living a life of abundance, you would have nothing to be angry about.

Each of us have our own personal boundaries. And that boundary includes ourselves and all that is within our control. When we worry about or try to control things outside of our boundaries (other people, external circumstances, ect) we cause ourselves needless grief. And it angers us that we can't have it our way. That again, is codependency.

 

[Demodulate]

OK man.. I am going to check it out...

 

[Interceptor]

What I'm getting at is that if all of your needs were getting met, if you felt you had all you want and need in life, if you were living a life of abundance, you would have nothing to be angry about.

Well said.

Personal boundary issues.
lack of self esteem
Extreme insecurity /paranoia
need for reassurance
inability to focus on the good things going on in your life.

You may want to consider some therapy.
Also definitley look into meditation. And things like Tai Chi/Chi Kung and Martial Art training.
Definitely pick up some hobbies, man.

And stop trying to control that which is outside of your personal boundary.

Dude, let's be honest...you are NOT entitled to SH*T here.
So let go of any control anxiety.

Dont act like the world owes you anything.
It doesnt. Let that delusion go...


It also can't raise you to be a Man.
Only YOU can do that.

 

[Demodulate]

Actually I train 4-5 days a week.. I have taken Karate, Kung Fu, and I am now taking Muay Thai..

I know how to meditate, learned to in Kung Fu..

I have plenty of hobbies, Auto Cross and DE's. Have a few nice rifles and shoot 1-2 times a month.. Work on my own cars..


anywho.. thanks for the input..

actually one of my ex's that I wasnt crazy about is a social worker / therapist..

ill give her a ring and see what she thinks..

 

[Interceptor]

Actually I train 4-5 days a week.. I have taken Karate, Kung Fu, and I am now taking Muay Thai..

I know how to meditate, learned to in Kung Fu..

I have plenty of hobbies, Auto Cross and DE's. Have a few nice rifles and shoot 1-2 times a month.. Work on my own cars..


anywho.. thanks for the input..

actually one of my ex's that I wasnt crazy about is a social worker / therapist..

ill give her a ring and see what she thinks..

Well,then..you must not be doing it right.
You may need to see why you are investing so much in your Ego then.
Dont use these things to fluff up your Ego.
Dont feed the EGo anymore.

What are you doing to give back to the world?
What is your gift to share with the world?

 

[Truman181]

I ran across this article that better explains what I was getting at. It was written by Sean Stephenson, a 3-foot inner game guru in a wheel chair. It does come off as a ***** of a pitch for his inner game magazine but I think it makes some great points. Check it out

Hey Brotha!

I’m Sean Stephenson, publisher of Inner Game Magazine, and I am excited to share with you some techniques that will attract the women you want…

“BUT…Sean, I’m not that good looking!”

It doesn’t matter.

“BUT…Sean, I’m really not that tall!”

It doesn’t matter.

“BUT…Sean, I don’t have much money!”

It doesn’t matter.

Your external reality (i.e. looks, height, income) doesn’t determine what happens to you in life…or with women.

The deciding factor is always your inner game!

I’ve seen guys who are short, not attractive, and totally broke attract the women they want.

Just take a look at me…

Mathematically speaking, there’s no way I should be dating hot women.

I’m only three feet tall, my body is shaped kinda like Yoda, and I’m in a wheelchair…

Yet, I attract gorgeous women who are super smart, cuddly, and fun to be around.

How is this possible? It’s possible because I have studied under the best dating gurus for over ten years and have developed BULLETPROOF INNER GAME!

A man who has solid inner game has the natural ability to stand in a crowd and not feel intimidated by anyone — men or women…

And he has the mental and emotional stability to react with assertive confidence when he comes up against a challenge.

See, most people will tend to react with anger when someone challenges something that they are insecure about.

I have a phrase for this…

RESISTANCE = EXISTENCE!

In other words, if you are resisting something, i.e. getting angry or defensive about it, then somewhere inside of you, it exists…or at least, you have the belief that it exists.

I know this sounds all new age woo woo, but stay with me…

If someone walked up to me and said,

“Hey Bob!”

Do you think I would get all angry at him?

No, of course not!

I would correct him,

“Actually, my name is Sean.”

And it would be no big deal…because there is no part of me that worries,

“Hmmm…is my name Bob? Maybe it is…”

See, people can only get under our skin if they are able to push one of our buttons…

When someone activates one of our hot button triggers, we go into survival mode and react with either fight or flight…

We FIGHT by getting angry, getting in someone’s face, or even starting a physical brawl…

And we FLY by leaving or withdrawing.

Here’s why that’s important…

Because none of these behaviors are attractive to women!

 

[Truman181]

Men who are constantly reacting in a defensive way either won’t be able to attract ANY women…or will attract crazy, super dramatic women.

Either way, a man who constantly flies off the handle will not be able to attract an emotionally stable woman.

She will be able to see how reactive he is and everything inside of her will scream,

DANGER!!!

Here’s the good news…

Once you are able to handle your insecurities, you will be EXTREMELY attractive to all women, ESPECIALLY the stable ones…

The ones I like to call the “QT’s” (Quality Tens)…

But first, you have to find where your hot buttons are…

Are you insecure about your looks? Money?

Whatever it is, know that it doesn’t matter…what matters is your belief about it.

I know because I used to be SUPER INSECURE about the fact that I’m only three feet tall and in a wheelchair for life.

If someone walked up to me and called me a “little cripple who can’t do anything for himself” back then, they would have triggered all my insecurities…

However, over time, I learned to adopt the belief that I am a sexy, confident, powerful man…and now if someone walked up to me and made fun of the fact that I’m in a wheelchair, I would just smile and respond,

“Ok, whatever dude, clearly you don’t know me.”

That’s because I know better…so his statement rolls off my back just like if he had mistakenly called me “Bob.”

Of course, if someone came up to me and said,

“Hey Sean, you’re really slacking on your PhD…”

I’d get all up in that guy’s face!

Why? Because on some level, there’s truth to what he’s saying…

I have been slacking!

The key thing is not to get RID of all of your issues or deny that they exist…you will actually gain more power and confidence once you own up to your insecurities…i.e. GET REAL!!!

Learn what triggers your anger and start dealing with it…

Then when someone else makes a comment about it, it won’t bother you as much because your internal dialogue will be saying, “Yeah, I do have that issue, but I’m already dealing with it, so whatever, I don’t have to defend myself to this guy (or girl).”

When a woman sees that you can stay cool under pressure, she will be more attracted to you…because women crave stability.

They want to know that you can take care of them…

And a big clue is that you can take care of YOURSELF!!!

So next time you feel angry or defensive around someone, take a deep breath…relax…and don’t let them get under your skin…

Later, ask yourself why they were able to trigger your anger…what EXISTS that you felt the need to RESIST?

As you start to deal with your own issues, you will start to develop solid inner game…

And once you have solid inner game, I promise you will be UNSTOPPABLE with women!!!

Become Bulletproof,

Sean

www.InnerGameMagazine.com