Help with composure and fidgetting

[Jariel]

Most of my life I have been an introspective person. I look at my flaws and I do my best to fix them. Well, this is one of those flaws I'd really like to iron out if anyone has any advice.

In short, I grew up with attention deficit and hyperactivity disorder. My mind has always been quite chaotic and I've always been quite restless and fidgetty. Since I quit smoking some years ago, I find it has got even harder to sit still and focus.

A few women on dates have pointed out that I seem nervous when in fact I've not been even slightly nervous. It's just the fact that I am constantly picking up things, fiddling with my clothes or my attention darts around the room. I also tend to speak too quickly and too expressive and my voice changes pitch a lot. Overall, I think it makes me appear quite goofy.

It's not just about the women though. I hate this side of myself. I keep making a conscious effort to change. I find that when I slow down and think about my actions, I have much better composure, but my mind soon wanders or I get too relaxed and I return to my old ways.

What's worse about this is that it's quite inconsistent with the way I look. I'm a big guy, I work out and people say I look like a bad ass, but my behaviour is that of someone nervous and ditzy.

Any advice on overcoming this or help learning to focus more?

 

[Jack Wealthy]

Mate real and serious here, I have severe ADHD and I am in a similar state: No nervousness but lots of nervous movement.

I went on many, many programs and have very little social or sexual fear, I know just like you do it isn't nervousness. I would also say it is at its worse when I am alone and trying to focus on something that isn't vivid and exciting, tho my attention does lapse during exciting things like sex and/or fireworks.

So, I believed ADHD to be a fake diagnosis. I am well read and just saw this as standard for someone my age (16). I tried modifying these behaviours specifically and succeeded in eliminating them. An unforeseen and highly unwanted circumstance is that I instantly became nervous in social situations, my mind became much foggier with more static and my grades fell by 10-20 points, depending on subject with sport being the least.

I researched into ADHD and found that the constant minor movements are a way of keeping the mind prepared for those who suffer the condition.

So, I went and talked to my (ADHD) Dad, got diagnosed and am in the process of getting drug tests to be medicated. The doctor literally said point blank: The behavioural-modification programs have a 80% failure rate and the medication has a similar success rate. Stimulants have a reverse effect on people with true ADHD and as such calm and relax them. People without ADHD who take these stimulants will receive and energy boost, increased productivity and powerful focus. Similar to people who use speed. People WITH ADHD will be relaxed by the medication and able to focus due to less mental noise, not increased alertness. Subsequently the "nervous" movements will go away as they are no longer required to moderate focus.

 

[Jariel]

I'm glad someone can relate to this. It's actually quite embarrassing and I feel it undermines me as a man. When people talk to me, it's like I have to snap out of a day dream and I end up stuttering and fumbling over my words.

I did consider looking into some kind of medication, but after reading up on it I wasn't so sure it would help much. I do find that cutting down my caffeine helps, but it's not a complete solution.

I've actually taken to drawing a little pen mark on my hand so when I see it then it reminds me to slow down and focus. It does work, though when my hand's out of sight, it's surprising how quickly I forget and lose my composure again.

 

[window]

try some daily meditation and breathing exercises...

 

[maylenedizon]

Stimulants have a reverse effect on people with true ADHD and as such calm and relax them. People without ADHD who take these stimulants will receive and energy boost, increased productivity and powerful focus. Similar to people who use speed. People WITH ADHD will be relaxed by the medication and able to focus due to less mental noise, not increased alertness. Subsequently the "nervous" movements will go away as they are no longer required to moderate focus.

 

[Aaron B]

meditation

 

[HariPoter13]

I've actually taken to drawing a little pen mark on my hand so when I see it then it reminds me to slow down and focus. It does work, though when my hand's out of sight, it's surprising how quickly I forget and lose my composure again.

During Rutten's career, whenever he had a fight, he would write two capital "R"s on the back of his hands with a magic marker. The "R" stood for Rustig, the Dutch word for "calm". This was intended to help him remember to stay calm during his fights.

I guess Bas has ADHD too. :crackup:

Mate real and serious here, I have severe ADHD and I am in a similar state: No nervousness but lots of nervous movement.

I went on many, many programs and have very little social or sexual fear, I know just like you do it isn't nervousness. I would also say it is at its worse when I am alone and trying to focus on something that isn't vivid and exciting, tho my attention does lapse during exciting things like sex and/or fireworks.

So, I believed ADHD to be a fake diagnosis. I am well read and just saw this as standard for someone my age (16). I tried modifying these behaviours specifically and succeeded in eliminating them. An unforeseen and highly unwanted circumstance is that I instantly became nervous in social situations, my mind became much foggier with more static and my grades fell by 10-20 points, depending on subject with sport being the least.

I researched into ADHD and found that the constant minor movements are a way of keeping the mind prepared for those who suffer the condition.

So, I went and talked to my (ADHD) Dad, got diagnosed and am in the process of getting drug tests to be medicated. The doctor literally said point blank: The behavioural-modification programs have a 80% failure rate and the medication has a similar success rate. Stimulants have a reverse effect on people with true ADHD and as such calm and relax them. People without ADHD who take these stimulants will receive and energy boost, increased productivity and powerful focus. Similar to people who use speed. People WITH ADHD will be relaxed by the medication and able to focus due to less mental noise, not increased alertness. Subsequently the "nervous" movements will go away as they are no longer required to moderate focus.

Stimulants have a reverse effect on people with true ADHD and as such calm and relax them. People without ADHD who take these stimulants will receive and energy boost, increased productivity and powerful focus. Similar to people who use speed. People WITH ADHD will be relaxed by the medication and able to focus due to less mental noise, not increased alertness. Subsequently the "nervous" movements will go away as they are no longer required to moderate focus.

This guy [maylenedizon] is a spambot. Check his post history; he either exactly copies a piece of text someone else wrote, or writes total mumbo jumbo.

 

[The Bad Ass Canadian]

Hey Jariel, sorry to hear about your issues, bro. You've been a solid poster here for years, but we've all got our stuff we need to get a handle on.

Ever considered even getting into things like Yoga, meditation and Taichi?

I have ADHD, as well, and when I can really learn to calm myself and quiet my mind, I relax and slow down. It's that state of calm but alert that we want to be in at all times.

along with some Biphentin and regular exercise, I find meditation and personal development can go a long way. Take it one step at a time and first just work on slowing down.

I consciously try to keep my hands off the table and especially off of my face (leaning on the chin, or messing with my labret piercing) and remain very relaxed and focused on my date.

You'd be surprised how powerful this can be. At first it will seem like you're on a lot of drugs, because of how slow you'll feel like you're moving.

Another thing you can do is record a conversation on your phone and play it back to yourself. Pay attention to your tempo. If you're like me, you can talk really fast. You don't notice it, until you hear yourself on playback. Work on that, too.

Learning to slow the pace down and deliver your words cleanly and directly, you can start to really reign in the twitches and the perceived "nervousness".

Just gotta chill out. It will have to be forced at first, until you train yourself to naturally slow down.

 

[SgtSplacker]

Meditate Meditate Meditate...

OK exactly what does this mean?

To meditate is simply to sit still and not think of anything. Gauge your mental health by just sitting in silence. For how long can you not think of anything? 5 seconds? 15 seconds? LOL! People can do this for hours! You need to be able to quiet your mind for at least 5 minutes to come even close to any degree of mental regulation. Maybe use an item to focus on? or just focus on a warm glowing light in the middle of your chest.

Find sexy ways to sit and stand, practice them. Then learn how to meditate and silence your chattering brain. Focus on what is going on around you, rather than what is going on inside you.

Get used to mentally telling your brian SILENCE! and stopping the negative fidgety thought processes. While sitting in a laid back relaxed way like a Boss!

5 minutes might be setting the bar a little high try 2 at first...

 

[Aaron B]

meditation is much easier these days with the availability of binaural beat audio tracks

its okay to have thoughts while meditating (and in fact you will have them no matter what you do). the trick is learning to view them objectively without allowing them to "carry you off"

 

[The Bad Ass Canadian]

meditation is much easier these days with the availability of binaural beat audio tracks

I'm curious, but where could I find these?

I tend to meditate in silence or use a guided meditation with a guru of some sort. (usually if I'm dealing with specific issues. Story Waters has some amazing channels and lectures for various things. He's really great, thought quite "new age".)

 

[Aaron B]

I'm curious, but where could I find these?

I tend to meditate in silence or use a guided meditation with a guru of some sort. (usually if I'm dealing with specific issues. Story Waters has some amazing channels and lectures for various things. He's really great, thought quite "new age".)

amazon.com

Some of the guided meditations use binaural beats as well

 

[The Bad Ass Canadian]

amazon.com

Some of the guided meditations use binaural beats as well

Awesome, thanx!

 

[YAboi]

AARON B is correct. Buy a hemispherical synchronization audio on the net and listen to the song daily before bed.You WILL see a new side to LIFE. Also get some counselling as this will help you fully discover yourself and treat your issues. I used to suffer from the same thing till I tried the 2 things mentioned above . It was through PRAYER and stopping sexual activity TOTALLY that I got my solutions though but Im giving you the fastrack.

 

[Jariel]

Thanks you all for your answers. I've been trying meditation during the last 3 days and have been making a conscious effort to calm my mind, breathe from the diaphram and so far it's been giving me the exact results I'm after.

I'm still finding my conscious drifting off and I return to being a bit dizzy, but I suppose I just need to keep on practicing until it becomes normal.

I used to meditate a lot some years ago and I recall many people commenting how laidback and cool I seemed back then.

Another thing I find is that when my mind is wandering and in a state of chaos, my breathing is shallow and my voice is all over the place. I also find that I'm way too expressive, whereas slowing down and focusing more is helping me speak deeper, more evenly and I can just feel that I have a more masculine presence.

 

[Jariel]

Well, all this worked for a while and seemed promising, but I keep reverting back to where I was. As soon as my focus wanders away from the here and now, I lose my composure.

A couple of nights ago, there was a hot tribute singer where I work. All the guys were fawning over her, but at the end of the night she started hitting on me, complimenting my physique and even ran her hands over my body. Her friend came over later and said this singer thought I was beautiful and tried to do some match making. Of course I was up for it, but my composure was all over the place because it was a busy night at work and I was distracted. I mumbled and tripped over my words thinking what action to take before writing my number down and giving it to this singer. She joked that she'll text me her number so I can send her some naked photos of myself. It took me a bit by surprise and couldn't think quick enough, so I just said "yeah, err, ok." I realised what I said it, how nervous and submissive I must've sounded.

Anyway, the worst part is, I realised the next day I'd written my number down wrong. My mind was too consumed with what I was doing at work I got some digits of my own number mixed up.

I don't know if this is my main issue with women, but it's one area of myself I really want to improve. When I'm focused, I'm so sharp, smooth and very quick witted, and everything clicks into place. I just wish I could be like this more often.

 

[Chamber36]

I think you should study some Jiddu Krishnamurti.

He talks about things like meditation and how to use the brain to the fullest. It's pretty deep stuff.

I watch his video's all the time. He's really my go-to guy for inner game/self-awareness.

 

[bigneil]

I hear that a lot myself, that I seem nervous, even when I am zen-like, stoic and apathetic. I think it's just their line sometimes. Eye movement/contact has something to do with it also.

Meditation is good. Not MEDICATION. Sex will help. But especially diet and exercise. If you are working out you'll use some of that nervous energy properly. Know that food additives are the root problem - artificial colors and flavors especially. Also, your perfumes, after shave, soap, shaving cream and detergents (and your girls makeup) are PURE poison. Even stuff at Whole Foods (unless USDA Organic) is suspect. The chemicals feminize men too, causing man-boobs. It's petrochemicals, phosphates, parabens and phytoestrogens. It causes that restless leg feeling at night. Herbs that help: Valerian Root, Milk Thistle, Spirulina, Cider Vinegar, Grapefruit juice, Distilled Water.

 

[Huffman]

It took me a bit by surprise and couldn't think quick enough, so I just said "yeah, err, ok." I realised what I said it, how nervous and submissive I must've sounded.

I don't know if this is my main issue with women, but it's one area of myself I really want to improve. When I'm focused, I'm so sharp, smooth and very quick witted, and everything clicks into place. I just wish I could be like this more often.

Well happens to me all the time, and I don't have any disease that I know of For that reason I actually stopped going out after work. Because my mind is all over the place and I really can't enjoy myself.

There are just some nights where you don't feel like it, or you're not in the moment, or "the zone" as some call it. Don't really know a solution though.

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

Well, all this worked for a while and seemed promising, but I keep reverting back to where I was. As soon as my focus wanders away from the here and now, I lose my composure.

A couple of nights ago, there was a hot tribute singer where I work. All the guys were fawning over her, but at the end of the night she started hitting on me, complimenting my physique and even ran her hands over my body. Her friend came over later and said this singer thought I was beautiful and tried to do some match making. Of course I was up for it, but my composure was all over the place because it was a busy night at work and I was distracted. I mumbled and tripped over my words thinking what action to take before writing my number down and giving it to this singer. She joked that she'll text me her number so I can send her some naked photos of myself. It took me a bit by surprise and couldn't think quick enough, so I just said "yeah, err, ok." I realised what I said it, how nervous and submissive I must've sounded.

Anyway, the worst part is, I realised the next day I'd written my number down wrong. My mind was too consumed with what I was doing at work I got some digits of my own number mixed up.

I don't know if this is my main issue with women, but it's one area of myself I really want to improve. When I'm focused, I'm so sharp, smooth and very quick witted, and everything clicks into place. I just wish I could be like this more often.

Get some business cards playa, This will solve the problem. Don't sweat it though, just learn from the mistakes.