HELP! Want to keep my relationship fresh

[nubian-knight]

Me and my girlfriend have been together for a few months and things have been great. Things are/were pretty solid, good sex frequently, spending time that fits both of our schedules etc. Another thing that really stood about her is that the majority of us being together, and when we first hooked up, I had a suspended drivers license and was unemployed which didn't seem to bother her at all, she was very supportive and pulled her weight when it came to driving/paying, which shows a lot for a girl these days.

Shes always been extremely high interest and she would always initiate contact which i know is good and would constantly text and call throughout the day. I will admit i fed this demon by replying to most of them when I wasn't busy which inevitably led to arguments when I'd be out with the boys and wouldn't answer her. She works a lot and her social circle isn't huge so the majority of fights we've ever had was me being too busy or having other plans outside. Yes I am guilty of seeing her pretty frequently, 3 - 5 times on any given week although sometimes one of those times would just be her coming over for sex. But I do make time for my boys and on Friday or saturday night will hit up a club or bar for a boys night out without seeing her.

Over the couple weeks or so I feel like we've grown so accustomed to each other though, like we just hang out and have sex as routine. Shes a lot less clingy and its not that I miss the clingyness but it was nice to have it there as a solid example that I have control over the situation of our relationship. I told her I felt we were "slowing down" and she said she didn't really feel the same way but she saw what I meant.

I brushed over the idea of maybe not seeing each other anymore but that crushed her and to be honest, we have a good thing and I don't want it to end. But I really don't ever want to be in one of those relationships where your together for the sake of being together i want to be infatuated, like everytime we hang out is the first time we hooked up over and over. I don't know if this is a realistic expectation but If things keep going on this "routine based" pace i think im gonna have to walk.

This is my first relationship so I'd like some opinions. I work 5 days a week and she works 7. We've done literally everything you can possible imagine, I feel like we've actually done every possible activity together, conventional and non-conventional.

I know mad people on this board will say something like "LAWL NEXT HER ROFL" but I don't want to, she was around and interested when I was broke and immobile and we have genuine mutual interest.

I'm thinking reduced contact and spending less time together gradually should spice things up

I know its long but any other advice would be great!

 

[Jeffst1980]

What you're dealing with is completely normal--it's the end of the infatuation period. When you first start dating, it was exciting largely because there was a barrier of sexual tension between you. In addition, you probably thought of each other as your own projections of some sort of idealized person rather than real, three dimensional people with flaws and weaknesses. Now, you're more comfortable with one another and can relax a little bit--this is actually a GOOD thing.

Unfortunately, this change in dynamics makes us all freak out a little bit and worry that the "spark" is gone. Some people even end relationships over this. When you suggested to take a break, you may have inflicted a lot of damage on this relationship. She had just begun feeling comfortable and trusting you (hence the reduce clingy-ness), and you responded by dropping that bombshell on her. Be prepared for the possibility that she may begin acting distant because she no longer trusts you. The other thing that worries me is that your expectation that infatuation should continue indefinitely could harm you in the future. But then again, you're 19 years old and you should be open to meeting lots of girls if something isn't working out.

Five times a week is too much to see a girl. Three or even four times is just fine, though--pretty normal for a relationship. The only time you should consider seeing a girl drastically less is if she's making excuses to avoid sex.

From how you describe her, she sounds like a great, loyal girlfriend. Don't next her.

 

[Telos]

You're correct ... reduced contact is essential and will help add some more spice. You want to create scarcity and anticipation for the next encounter. Nicely and softly deny her sexual advances when she comes over, tease her, but don't follow through with the actual act of sex. Honestly though, this is just the tip of the issue.

What you describe is really an important and defining phase of a relationship in my opinion, because it's a true test of your ability to evolve as a person. Rather than allowing her to become a central pillar of your existence you should be enhancing your personality and expanding your interests in all directions. Constantly move forward. Excel at everything you put your hand on and learn as much as you can about everything.

This is your life and it's ending one second at a time.

She will never want to let go and will never cease her infatuation if you live your life with an aggressive and open mindset of perpetual evolution.

 

[Telos]

Also just wanted to publicly rep Jeff, what he said is also spot on. You don't want to overtly suggest that the relationship is dying. The more you suggest that things are going downhill the more she will reframe her perception of the relationship to match what you communicate, and she also will start to begin thinking that things are fizzling out.

You should be giving her genuinely exciting experiences and fueling her perceptions with optimism.

 

[nubian-knight]

Also just wanted to publicly rep Jeff, what he said is also spot on. You don't want to overtly suggest that the relationship is dying. The more you suggest that things are going downhill the more she will reframe her perception of the relationship to match what you communicate, and she also will start to begin thinking that things are fizzling out.

You should be giving her genuinely exciting experiences and fueling her perceptions with optimism.

yea i defiantly shouldn't have voiced my concerns...but i told her i was doing so so that we can keep us going properly, i fully told her too that if she dint feel anything anymore to break up with me and i would do the same if i felt that way...i see too many people in relationships with people with no enjoyment and dont want to do that to her or myself, its not fair

 

[nubian-knight]

actually now that i think about it, the last few days shes been sending me random msgs that say "love me" or "you dont like me anymore" so i guess shes feeling it too.... how do i up the intimacy and make her feel more loved? how do i respond to those things?

 

[Telos]

Think about what you are asking at a more fundamental level. Your articulated goal is to make her feel more loved.

The way you respond to a text message should be almost absolutely irrelevant to this objective. This isn't a game where if you punch in a correct string of words she's going to suddenly experience a child-like fairy tail infatuation for you all over again.

I do understand that a text message however irrelevant is a manifestation of your personality, but you really need to look at this situation with a much bigger lens and realize that her lasting love will come to you only as you continue to exceed her expectations of who you are on multiple fronts and become a self-driven, autonomous, perpetually evolving MAN.

Your enemy is monotony and predictability. Your ideals should rest on value (both interpersonal and cultural) and aggressive self-assertive ACTION. She is a side dish... a passenger along for the ride. Her undying true love will come when you live up to these ideals.

 

[nubian-knight]

Think about what you are asking at a more fundamental level. Your articulated goal is to make her feel more loved.

The way you respond to a text message should be almost absolutely irrelevant to this objective. This isn't a game where if you punch in a correct string of words she's going to suddenly experience a child-like fairy tail infatuation for you all over again.

I do understand that a text message however irrelevant is a manifestation of your personality, but you really need to look at this situation with a much bigger lens and realize that her lasting love will come to you only as you continue to exceed her expectations of who you are on multiple fronts and become a self-driven, autonomous, perpetually evolving MAN.

Your enemy is monotony and predictability. Your ideals should rest on value (both interpersonal and cultural) and aggressive self-assertive ACTION. She is a side dish... a passenger along for the ride. Her undying true love will come when you live up to these ideals.

i see what your saying and i do this as much as i can... i treat her with respect but dont make her much of a priority over my true objectives. however she feels that I no longer love her for some reason. she always questions if i even actually like her....mind game or not i never know how to respond properly.... if i tell her i do (which i do shes very good) i feel like im just feeding needy attention craving side of her but if i neglect saying i do i feel cold

 

[Telos]

i see what your saying and i do this as much as i can... i treat her with respect but dont make her much of a priority over my true objectives. however she feels that I no longer love her for some reason. she always questions if i even actually like her....mind game or not i never know how to respond properly.... if i tell her i do (which i do shes very good) i feel like im just feeding needy attention craving side of her but if i neglect saying i do i feel cold

That's good. Keep focus on your own life and make sure you are always progressing. Girls will tend to ask questions like that out of insecurity when it's clear that you have much higher value and societal mobility than them. When they come to grips with the fact that you obviously don't need them in your life, the response is often desperation and pleading like what you are experiencing. Your girl doesn't want to lose something of value.

So, reassure her when she asks questions like that, but nothing beyond what it takes to satisfy her insecurities. And again, most importantly, keep focusing on yourself.

 

[Rhoto]

First thing is first - What kind of birth control is she using?

What the hell is going on with all these young bros getting so hard for one chick? It saddens me that so many guys limit themselves to one chick as they enter their sexual prime.

You're in a monogamous relationship at 19. Strike 1.

Have you asked yourself, outside of replaceable things (Sex, companionship, affection) what else are you getting out of it? Is she really that interesting? Or are you afraid you'll never get any tail after her?

And please to cry this pu$$y crap about, "I don't want to hurt her" or "She was there for me" it doesn't really matter. She'll get over it, and really its not your problem how she feels, is it? She has obvious abandonment issues, and these are things to steer clear of, unless of course, you enjoy those kinds of things....

But what bothers me most, is that you say you are/were broke and had a suspended license. DUI I'll assume. You work 5 days a week, so I'm guessing you don't go to college. What do you want to do when you grow up young brother?

I would cut it off, but since you and I both know you won't do that, I can only agree with Telos and Jeff that you should reduce contact with her, but I doubt that will solve the issue.

--------------------------------------
Sex with women can be related to pizza.

When you first get the pizza, its hot and fresh. You love it. Never had anything like it, and you think you never will again.

The next morning, its not fresh, but still good none-the-less. Not as great when it was piping hot, but you have no complaints.

You can have some for lunch, but at this point the pizza is beginning to taste no so great, but still tolerable, you eat it.

But there will come a point, where you will say "This pizza isn't doing it for me any more" and you will want out.

The trick is, not being in so deep that you can't get out.

 

[dannyegg4575]

I haven't checked in for awhile, and your post seems to point some interests.

It's not what we tell you want to do but ask yourself what you want. She is your first gf and the relationship is going great. I'm happy for you dude. I really am. Do you want to give up a good thing?

You did right by coming here when the iron is hot. Some of the mature guys in here can help you for sure.

First, if she gives you a meaningful relationship, why on earth would you want to get rid of it dude? Remind yourself, why you are in a relationship to begin with?

Is it the sex? hell, you can get it anywhere.

Is it cause you have no other options?

Is it cause there is a connection?

"ah"... connection... something we've neglected for a long time now isn't it because we're so caught up in "the game"?

I can tell you something right now, i will trade every woman that I have ever slept with to be in the same shoes all over again to be with that "one" and to feel the same way you feel when you see her. I would give up everything that i own in an instant to go back through time with my very first true love like you did.

So, let me ask you something now. What is it that YOU want? You're going to keep feeling sh>t for yourself or you're going to do something about it? You're going to be sitting on your ass and have her spend on you or you're going to find a job? You think you're pimping? if she's your first girl, trust me, you don't have game.

Every p>ssy is the same. They have the same hole, they have the same meat, they eat, ****, scream in bed, exactly the same. But what you have is connection. connection that a lot of us here have forgotten because we're too busy next-ing the next best thing.

I'm not an advocate of playing the field but if you're already gotten a good thing, why play the field? the point of the field is to find the right one.

Your focus is not in women my friend, your focus is on you. She is not the problem, you are.

so, where do you go from here? spend time with her, have fun with her and prevent boredom. that's all. it's that simple.

if you want to know what else to do, pm me.

 

[nubian-knight]

First thing is first - What kind of birth control is she using?

What the hell is going on with all these young bros getting so hard for one chick? It saddens me that so many guys limit themselves to one chick as they enter their sexual prime.

You're in a monogamous relationship at 19. Strike 1.

Have you asked yourself, outside of replaceable things (Sex, companionship, affection) what else are you getting out of it? Is she really that interesting? Or are you afraid you'll never get any tail after her?

And please to cry this pu$$y crap about, "I don't want to hurt her" or "She was there for me" it doesn't really matter. She'll get over it, and really its not your problem how she feels, is it? She has obvious abandonment issues, and these are things to steer clear of, unless of course, you enjoy those kinds of things....

But what bothers me most, is that you say you are/were broke and had a suspended license. DUI I'll assume. You work 5 days a week, so I'm guessing you don't go to college. What do you want to do when you grow up young brother?

I would cut it off, but since you and I both know you won't do that, I can only agree with Telos and Jeff that you should reduce contact with her, but I doubt that will solve the issue.

--------------------------------------
Sex with women can be related to pizza.

When you first get the pizza, its hot and fresh. You love it. Never had anything like it, and you think you never will again.

The next morning, its not fresh, but still good none-the-less. Not as great when it was piping hot, but you have no complaints.

You can have some for lunch, but at this point the pizza is beginning to taste no so great, but still tolerable, you eat it.

But there will come a point, where you will say "This pizza isn't doing it for me any more" and you will want out.

The trick is, not being in so deep that you can't get out.

im not worried about getting other ***** thats realy not hard. ive never really been satisfied "getting laid" with some b!itch i dont care about. i dont care if that sounds soft thats the truth, i like having a girl

 

[nubian-knight]

and its not like i havent hooked up with other chicks i have..... im going out with this girl for a variety of reasons one being im learning alot from going long term with her, its an experiance thats not replaced easily and im learning day by day

 

[Prod]

actually now that i think about it, the last few days shes been sending me random msgs that say "love me" or "you dont like me anymore" so i guess shes feeling it too.... how do i up the intimacy and make her feel more loved? how do i respond to those things?

Let's put this in perspective. In a forum where people routinely ignore or sideline chicks with the belief that they will gain interest in them, what you have done is not far from the status quo. I would say her interest level is high, and you need to follow Telos' advice in the long term. The rest should come naturally.

 

[Axcell]

What you're dealing with is completely normal--it's the end of the infatuation period. When you first start dating, it was exciting largely because there was a barrier of sexual tension between you. In addition, you probably thought of each other as your own projections of some sort of idealized person rather than real, three dimensional people with flaws and weaknesses. Now, you're more comfortable with one another and can relax a little bit--this is actually a GOOD thing.

Unfortunately, this change in dynamics makes us all freak out a little bit and worry that the "spark" is gone. Some people even end relationships over this. When you suggested to take a break, you may have inflicted a lot of damage on this relationship. She had just begun feeling comfortable and trusting you (hence the reduce clingy-ness), and you responded by dropping that bombshell on her. Be prepared for the possibility that she may begin acting distant because she no longer trusts you. The other thing that worries me is that your expectation that infatuation should continue indefinitely could harm you in the future. But then again, you're 19 years old and you should be open to meeting lots of girls if something isn't working out.

Five times a week is too much to see a girl. Three or even four times is just fine, though--pretty normal for a relationship. The only time you should consider seeing a girl drastically less is if she's making excuses to avoid sex.

From how you describe her, she sounds like a great, loyal girlfriend. Don't next her.

One of the best posts here - I agree with everything completely.
I've been through a similar situation, listen to this person's advice. After a while of being in a relationship for a long time, you start to lose the initial infatuation that existed and you moved onto something called "mature" love, which is described in the quote above. Just give each other some more space and make her anticipate to see you more.

The key to keeping a girl in a LTR is to keep visits SHORT and MEMORABLE. If you remember these points, your situation will be solved.