i have been in ltr for two years and this what my girl says to me "heeey babe ... so i cant come down today .. i have no money n have been doin some thinking i think we have things we need to figure outt. this weekend has made me see that we both need to stop tryin to control eachother .. i saw my friends n seriously i miss hanging out with themm.. we need to take time n thihnk this weekend" plz help i dunno wat to do.
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help needed
- Thread starter king_mo
- Start date
5string
Master Don Juan
You're about to hear.......I need my space
Chances are strong that you will be dumped brother.
Chances are strong that you will be dumped brother.
5string
Master Don Juan
If it were me, I'd just say "here's your stuff", let her walk and go no contact.king_mo said:
You know she'll just probably do it again. Expect her to try and contact you after awhile. Maintain strict radio silence.
thevilittletroll
Senior Don Juan
fact is you have already been dumped. i have been through this 100 times before i learned anything about pickup. it means one of 2 things, maybe even both, she has lost attraction for you, or she is attracted to someone else. its really tricky to get the attraction back, and who knows how long that image of lost attraction has been burnt in her mind. the longer its been there, the harder it will be to win her over again. radio silence is a good idea, its ok to be civil but dont initiate contact with her, let her contact you. keep any interaction breif and always be the one to end it. radio silence is good for both of you but it alone wont win her back. you will have to hit more attraction switches like, seeing you with other girls and getting jealous, show her that her decision does not affect you. you are not going to sit at home and cry about it. and most importantly dont just go running back the second she says she wants you back. if you jump through that hoop she will see you as a pushover and that she's in control. then she'll just dump you all over again a week or two later. she wants you to be the leader in control.
If you want to revive your relationship:
(1) Be less available and less needy. Stop texting / seeing her and stop making it a big deal that she wants a "break." That fact that you're giving her this "ultimatum" only shows that you let her break you and that this whole thing phases you a lot, it is NOT reinforcing your dominant position in the relationship.
(2) Start seeing other women. The best way to spark up attraction in a relationship is to be LIKED BY ANOTHER GIRL. Trust me, it will do wonders. Her interest level will shoot up, and you will gain more confidence
(3) Start going to the gym and work on yourself before you start working on this relationship again.
Ultimately I think energy is always better spent searching for a new relationship than trying to revive an old one, but that's how you'd do it. I suggest you go no contact for at least 2 weeks or so.
(1) Be less available and less needy. Stop texting / seeing her and stop making it a big deal that she wants a "break." That fact that you're giving her this "ultimatum" only shows that you let her break you and that this whole thing phases you a lot, it is NOT reinforcing your dominant position in the relationship.
(2) Start seeing other women. The best way to spark up attraction in a relationship is to be LIKED BY ANOTHER GIRL. Trust me, it will do wonders. Her interest level will shoot up, and you will gain more confidence
(3) Start going to the gym and work on yourself before you start working on this relationship again.
Ultimately I think energy is always better spent searching for a new relationship than trying to revive an old one, but that's how you'd do it. I suggest you go no contact for at least 2 weeks or so.
oneboy21
Senior Don Juan
5String made it clear
Go no contact
Go no contact
Tyson420
Senior Don Juan
Go to her doorstep and ask her why the she ain't calling you back.
update on the situation...jst sent this"i really want us to b able to figure something outtt... i doo love yu" any though fellas? im thinking no contact....i already deleted her number earlier, nd i dont know it of my head...so jst read this and deleted it right after
In2theGame
Master Don Juan
king_mo said:
.......................... To those of us thats been through the fire. You already know this just reeks of either a new guy or shes preparing to say i need space.
Atom Smasher
Master Don Juan
She is leaving.
You need to beat her to the punch, but you should do it like this:
"You know, it's funny you should mention that, because I've been thinking of taking a break for a while now."
And then make the break, just as if you were about to do it anyway. This will completely turn the tables on her and get that head-hamster running still she smokes.
It's a display of value and a salvaging of the certainty that she is getting ready to bail. If you turn the tables and then go NC she will probably come running back to you within a couple weeks, but what's that worth, anyway? Only an ego boost, nothing more, vbecause she has shown her capriciousness already.
You can and you will do better than her.
You need to beat her to the punch, but you should do it like this:
"You know, it's funny you should mention that, because I've been thinking of taking a break for a while now."
And then make the break, just as if you were about to do it anyway. This will completely turn the tables on her and get that head-hamster running still she smokes.
It's a display of value and a salvaging of the certainty that she is getting ready to bail. If you turn the tables and then go NC she will probably come running back to you within a couple weeks, but what's that worth, anyway? Only an ego boost, nothing more, vbecause she has shown her capriciousness already.
You can and you will do better than her.
thanx for the feedback guys, I really appreciate it. Here is another msg she jst sent, "i want us to stop trying to control eachoter b able too go out n chill with friends once in awhile without fightingg". I have already stopped talking to he, already packed up her crap...just not gonna say anything for a few days...then I am ask her when she come get her stuff.
king_mo said:
did you have any previous ideas that she might be starting to think this way? why is she starting to think this way? any warning signs? have you been behaving differently in the last month or two? is there anything in your own behavior you need to be honest with yourself about?
you could do what the others have suggested and just close the door on this in order to protect your pride - but it might be a good idea to think about why she is thinking this now all of a sudden.
the problem with the advice given by all the others on the thread is this - its kind of like the advice given to alcoholics. "pour it down the sink!" "get rid of all the bottles!" its all very all or nothing and melodramatic - the usual swing from one extreme to the other (this weird idea that the answer to a perceived problem is just to get rid of it asap - like they very sight of a bottle in the house will damage you, so pour it away!)
yes it does look like the next thing she is going to say is "i need more space" - and yes you could just ditch this right now and be done with it, but maybe you could also ask yourself "why does she need more space?" - maybe you could see what the lay of the land is - unless its important to you to be the one that ends things first in case there is a chance she might - i tend to prefer to see exactly what a situation is before playing my cards, but then its not important to me to play my cards first
Well I screwed up big time about a year ago, cheated on her while out partying...I told her about it and she was pretty upset...So we talked about it and came to the conclusion that partying hard and drinking dont mix well with relationships...so we both gave up that lifestyle.We would just chill together and drank together whenever we saw each other which is normally from Friday to Monday...Things worked for a long time obviously they were a few here and there but everycool. Fast foward to last weekend, she asked me to come and see her, I ended up not being able to make because I had to work till late on all weekend cause we moving offices and stuff. I texted her and told her this, she was cool with it or at least appeared to understand so we talked back n forth over text like we always do.mahoney said:
Then she mentioned she was bored, lonely, missing me since we pretty spent every weekend together for as long as I can remember...So i suggested to her that she should call up her friends and hang out them. She asked if i would get mad I said no, then I guess she did at the same time I went out with a couple co workers after work and told her this, thats when she really got upset and started making it look like I used work as excuss to just go out and drink and hook wit other girls...then I guess told her friends about it, and knowing gurls they prolly filled her head wit all sorts of crap about how I dont care about her...Me and them never really got along cause they felt she always chose me over them...thats pretty much it...so for the past 3 days it had been really akward between us till she sent that first msg today.
you see this is the problem with forums like this
your initial question says "girl is doing this" or "girl says this"
bunch of dudes are like "get rid of her asap", based on the above post
i'm like "i think theres more to this than is stated in the original post maybe should find out a bit more here"
now you've come back with more info. its not to say all those other dudes are wrong (or right!) - but...i knew there was more to it than was originally stated. doesn't mean my advice is any better or worse than theirs - but i didn't think the answer to the original question was to just ditch - and now you've given a bit more info i still don't think the answer is to ditch
though this all depends massively on the following question: "do you want to stay with this girl?"
your initial question says "girl is doing this" or "girl says this"
bunch of dudes are like "get rid of her asap", based on the above post
i'm like "i think theres more to this than is stated in the original post maybe should find out a bit more here"
now you've come back with more info. its not to say all those other dudes are wrong (or right!) - but...i knew there was more to it than was originally stated. doesn't mean my advice is any better or worse than theirs - but i didn't think the answer to the original question was to just ditch - and now you've given a bit more info i still don't think the answer is to ditch
though this all depends massively on the following question: "do you want to stay with this girl?"
so it sounds like she doesn't want to split up (but would like to change things a bit)...and you don't want to split up either...but you are packing her bags? why?
because some dudes on the internet said so?
would it hurt to....give her the space she wants? i mean to me it just seems she wants to realign things a bit, have a bit of fun with her friends too, and just make it all a bit fun again? you're with someone for 2 years and had no doubts at all, then the first sign of a problem you're packing their bags? its all so very....melodramatic!
instead of racing to the end so you can wave a flag and say "i did the dumping!" why don't you hold back a little, don't blow your wad at first sign of a problem, hang fire and ....give her the space/time she's asked for...no pressurizing, and see where she's going with this. "composure" i believe is the word you are looking for
imagine its like alcohol - you don't have to either drink it or pour it down the sink like an alcoholic - its ok to just leave it on the table a while and see how it goes. like a normal person
because some dudes on the internet said so?
would it hurt to....give her the space she wants? i mean to me it just seems she wants to realign things a bit, have a bit of fun with her friends too, and just make it all a bit fun again? you're with someone for 2 years and had no doubts at all, then the first sign of a problem you're packing their bags? its all so very....melodramatic!
instead of racing to the end so you can wave a flag and say "i did the dumping!" why don't you hold back a little, don't blow your wad at first sign of a problem, hang fire and ....give her the space/time she's asked for...no pressurizing, and see where she's going with this. "composure" i believe is the word you are looking for
imagine its like alcohol - you don't have to either drink it or pour it down the sink like an alcoholic - its ok to just leave it on the table a while and see how it goes. like a normal person