Help needed - Working in the same office with EX

[YeeZus]

Hi Guys,

My situation here is I am working with my EX in the same office. I've dated this girl twice and in total we had a 4 years of relation. The first time we broke up I was the one who begged and cried and did anything to get her back well she did come back and then it lasted for a year or so and then she broke up again.

After breaking up with me twice she dated few guys and also went into a new relation. Its been 5 months that We both were on NC after the 2nd break up. I have now got a new job and she is working with the same firm. She even sits nearby my desk. She initiated contact when she first saw me in office and since then we've been in contact and have been spending a lot of time together. She always brings up we are just friends and nothing more than that and we cannot get married (I wanted to marry her). We both are from India so there are rituals like arraigned marriage and she is going to get married as per her parents.

I have developed strong feelings for her again and she just hangs around with me a lot. I'm stuck and do not know what to do. Is she playing game.

How do I deal with this situation I can't say no to her when she ask me to hang out during our break. I'm loosing my mind. She is having fun meeting new guys and making friends.

 

[Tictac]

Almost everyone I know that works in an office works with or near someone they don't like or get along with. You treat such people as those you must deal with - professionally.

How is this any different?

 

[sylvester the cat]

Ok. You stay out of her way. You be professional and courteous but that is it.

You don't hang out with her, you don't go out of your way to be with her. You DO NOT TALK ABOUT HER to anyone in that office.

A few weeks of this and you should be good.

 

[YeeZus]

The problem here is this new job that I got is through her reference and I got to know about this only after I joined the firm but I gave my best interview and totally impressed the interviewer. She always wants good to happen to me and always keeps me in her prayers. She has always helped me when needed and she was constantly in contact with my sister after the last break up regarding how am I doing and stuff. She still loves me is what she says but does not see a future together.

I do not want to end up friend zoned as I have been through a lot and every time I hear about she being with new guy it hurts me. I thought being with her in office would make us closer but she keeps asking to be her friend. She also had a fight over phone with her mom day before yesterday because she wants to marry me but her parents do not allow her to do so. I'm a christian and she's a Hindu. I know interested girls do not see religion but I don't know she cries in front of me acting helpless. All I do is ask her to try but she says sorry.

 

[Tictac]

For now, you can keep your attractiveness to her up as best you can but through the lens of doing your best work, treating her as a colleague and being light, funny and capable.

It's not just religion that separates you. Her family does too. If you try to overcome that with force, you will fail.

 

[sylvester the cat]

I thought being with her in office would make us closer but she keeps asking to be her friend.

I do not want to end up friend zoned

you already are.

 

[YeeZus]

Just to add since last week after work we have been travelling together back home and during this time we hug and kiss each other. Last Friday she even took me for lunch we had a good cozy lunch. But I don't know what kinda relation is this. Is she confused? Is this just her guilt? She's playing games?

I really love her and wants to be with her. Please advise on how do I deal with her. How do I maintain distance without letting her know that I want to be away but on the other side I do not want miss on the chance if she wants to try and work it out.

 

[Tictac]

You're her crutch.

 

[YeeZus]

Tictac: - I agree but I am trying my best. What do you suggest? Its 9 hrs I am seeing her each day plus the travelling after work.

 

[Tictac]

Back off. If she wants to be friends and you don't - tell her that and let her deal with the consequences.

You don't have to be a prick about it. Just tell her what she's doing does not work for you.

Put the ball in her court and leave it there until and unless she changes.

Otherwise you're being her chump.

 

[zinc4]

Hi Guys,

My situation here is I am working with my EX in the same office. I've dated this girl twice and in total we had a 4 years of relation. The first time we broke up I was the one who begged and cried and did anything to get her back well she did come back and then it lasted for a year or so and then she broke up again.

After breaking up with me twice she dated few guys and also went into a new relation. Its been 5 months that We both were on NC after the 2nd break up. I have now got a new job and she is working with the same firm. She even sits nearby my desk. She initiated contact when she first saw me in office and since then we've been in contact and have been spending a lot of time together. She always brings up we are just friends and nothing more than that and we cannot get married (I wanted to marry her). We both are from India so there are rituals like arraigned marriage and she is going to get married as per her parents.

I have developed strong feelings for her again and she just hangs around with me a lot. I'm stuck and do not know what to do. Is she playing game.

How do I deal with this situation I can't say no to her when she ask me to hang out during our break. I'm loosing my mind. She is having fun meeting new guys and making friends.

You are this girl's chump friend man who in her eyes wasn't good enough for anything more.......start meeting as many new women as possible...right in front of her if you have to....f&ck the *****.....be brutal with her....reject all of her requests and treat her like a complete idiot....because every time she asks you to hang out sghe is disrespecting you labeling you as an orbiter ***** friend....probably laughing behind your back...snub her as often and as harshly as possible...make her so miserable she will want to quit the job because of you...stop being nice.......

You have zero chance with her.....unless you met a new chick and she got jealous somehow and you controlled and kept the frame ferom that point...but it's unlikely....right now you are big time friend zone....snub the hell out of her man and ignore her and meet many new women.....prostitutes if you have to....but whatever you do....don;'t give her an ounce of your attention...b^tches like her piss me off and deserve to be dealt with accordingly.....don't show her any anger, though...just regard her as an idiot that isn't worth your time or energy with...just like when don draper on mad men says in the el;vator to a co worker.....i don't even think of you....

 

[YeeZus]

She called me up this afternoon to check on me what I was up to as I was not responding to her texts. We had a good conversation but when it come to being friends and me disagreeing to being one we ended up arguing and she was like we shouldn't be talking about something we don't have control over. She keeps telling she is helpless and encourages me to go out and find a better women than her. She feels I am way too good for her because she dated multiple guys during break ups and I was the same waiting for her to be back in my life.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

Here's the problem, friend: your actions are WAAAAAY too serious.

Specifically: you're putting too much pressure on her. You're making it seem like this HAS to be a thing - to women, this is akin to giving her an ultimatum. WOMEN HATE ULTIMATUMS. So, even though you're not phrasing it as one, coming to her with things like "So, what are we?" or "Why can't you just be with me?" come off as forceful, whiny, and not manly.

You have to remember: a woman is going to do the things she WANTS to do. The secret, then, is to make her THINK that what she WANTS to do is be with you.

Example: you mention in your later post that you guys traveled together and were hugging and kissing. I don't know how that came together, but my guess is it was in a moment where you weren't bringing up the topic of you two being in a relationship. In other words, you were being your natural, kind, funny self to her. The result? She thought to herself "hmmm, finally, he's not fawning all over me - no more pressure! Yay! But... hmmm... well, he DOES look kind of cute right now... you know what? I feel like kissing someone, and he's the only guy around, SOOOO...."

Notice how I didn't say she was thinking "I'm head over heels" with this guy? That's cause right now, a part of her is still on guard waiting for Mr. Too Obsessive to come out again. BUT, since you weren't being that guy in the moment, she felt she could kiss you without it getting all weird. Your ACTIONS (or in this case, lack thereof) allowed her to THINK it was okay to kiss you without the fear of it becoming a marriage proposal.

THIS IS HOW YOU MUST ACT AT ALL TIMES IN ORDER FOR HER TO WANT TO BE WITH YOU.

Take it from someone who's been able to get exes to come back to him a few times (before blowing it again - but that was back in my AFC days): if you do the following things, there's a chance she could come back. Note: I said CHANCE - don't bet all your money on it happening:

1. Don't come on verbally strong with your feelings - it makes you look and sound like a woman, and unless she's a lesbian it's going to be a turnoff

2. Let HER reach out to you at work - if she wants to talk, she has to come to YOUR desk, never the other way around. Psychologically, this will make her think she must want you since SHE is always seeking YOU out.

3. If you ever make out with her/hug her/have sex with her, do NOT assume it means you are together - yes, she's doing physical things with you, but understand that women sometimes just need that release as much as men do. If you try to transition these acts into relationships, you will be dead in the water, my friend. Take them for what they are in the moment - fun things that make both of you feel good, nothing more.

4. Turn her down from time to time - if she comes to you last minute and ask you if you can hang out, give the occasional "oh, I can't tonight, I've already got other plans" line. Don't tell her what the plans are, or who their with - the more vague you can be, the better. This alone will make her start to think: "Hmm, he turned ME down?? What could he be doing? And with whom?" TRUST me, I used this line on an ex once, and two weeks later we were hooking up. When I asked her what changed, her answer was: "Well, I had asked you to hang out that one day, and you said you had plans. I found myself getting jealous, and then I thought 'why would I feel jealous about this unless I didn't want to be with him?'"

5. Let HER be the one to bring up the "relationship" topic - until she starts giving you lines like "are you seeing anyone else" and "so, what are we?" she is not ready to be in a relationship with you. Once she does, it means her feelings for you are strong, and YOU are now the one in control.

6. ASSUME SHE LIKES YOU - now, granted the other guys on this board that have posted so far are pretty much in the right. Right now she's showing very few signs of wanting to be with you; however, I also believe it's because you're applying WAAAY too much pressure on her and not having enough fun with this whole dating thing. But, assuming the stuff I mentioned above starts working, the last thing you need to do is mess it up with what I call the "constant validation" routine, i.e. the one where you're constantly going "so, do you like me? are we a couple yet? how do you feel about me?" Again, you're NOT the girl in the relationship. So, if she starts acting right and is regularly accepting dates with you (or suggesting dates) and isn't flaking, and is regularly kissing/hugging/sexing you, go by her actions and ASSUME IT MEANS SHE LIKES YOU and will eventually want to be serious with you. You don't need constant verbal validation from her.

That's all I got - hope this helps!

 

[Trump]

Hi Guys,

- I am working with my EX in the same office.
- I've dated this girl twice and in total we had a 4 years of relation.
- The first time we broke up I was the one who begged and cried and did anything to get her back
- she did come back and then she broke up again.
- After breaking up with me twice she dated few guys and also went into a new relation.
- she is working with the same firm.
- we've been in contact and have been spending a lot of time together.
- She always brings up we are just friends and nothing more than that and we cannot get married (I wanted to marry her).
- she just hangs around with me a lot. I'm stuck and do not know what to do.
- She is having fun meeting new guys and making friends.

Bro she is sleeping with her boyfriend laughing at you. You have to go out and meet new girls and make friends so she wakes up.

Never understand when guys get put down and laughed at face to face by another guy they want to fight them. When they get put down and laughed at by a girl they like, they beg and beg for more. It's sad and ridiculous.

 

[VikingKing]

Hi Guys,

My situation here is I am working with my EX in the same office. I've dated this girl twice and in total we had a 4 years of relation. The first time we broke up I was the one who begged and cried and did anything to get her back well she did come back and then it lasted for a year or so and then she broke up again.

After breaking up with me twice she dated few guys and also went into a new relation. Its been 5 months that We both were on NC after the 2nd break up. I have now got a new job and she is working with the same firm. She even sits nearby my desk. She initiated contact when she first saw me in office and since then we've been in contact and have been spending a lot of time together. She always brings up we are just friends and nothing more than that and we cannot get married (I wanted to marry her). We both are from India so there are rituals like arraigned marriage and she is going to get married as per her parents.

I have developed strong feelings for her again and she just hangs around with me a lot. I'm stuck and do not know what to do. Is she playing game.

How do I deal with this situation I can't say no to her when she ask me to hang out during our break. I'm loosing my mind. She is having fun meeting new guys and making friends.

Its all an excuse. Think about it, why is she dating here, if she is going to end up going back to india for an arranged marriage.

What she is doing is either getting fvcked by the dudes she is dating, or leading some betas on for her own validation, entertainment, and giving them blue balls.

If she is from india, and spent most of her life there, I promise you a couple of things. 1. she doesn't understand a thing about men, or our needs. She understands men about as much as a 13 year old American girl. 2. she is emotionally immature, probably quit selfish. She might not think her behavior is that of some one who uses people. She probably craves male attention. 3. She thinks what she is doing is ok.

I talked to for a bit, and went on a date with a 30 year old Indian vrigin (so she claimed, but honestly she could just be lying, she also claimed I was the first guy she kissed but at 30? get the fvck out of here, that was a manipulation tactic, feigning innocence and naivety).

She is very emotionally immature, but for me she is was very easy to manipulate. I had her pay my rent once.

She is using you man. Now I don't meant this in a way to hurt your feelings, but Your emotionally easy for her, which is the equivalent to a woman you fvck on the first date, and use for sex whenever you want. But instead she does it to you for attention/ emotional support.

If you let women treat you this way, they will do it and never stop, and they will not feel one bit of guilt. She doesn't care about you in that way. She cares about the free benefits of a relationship you give her.

Here is your solution. Start being a d!ck to her, treat her like sh!t. But don't do this in an angry resentful manner. Always be smiling, and happy, and just treat her like and idiot. Treat her like whatever she says is nonsense, that how she feels is not important, or like a small child in a grocery store who is having a tantrum because you wont get it a candy bar.

Now when you do this, she will act hurt at first (ignore that, dont feel guilty) then she will start to act like she is mad at you (who cares, she is using, and manipulating you) then as you continue to not care, and be happy all the time, her hamster will start to run, and run, and run. The power will transfer from her to you.

She doesn't want to marry you, she never had that intention. She just wants a pseudo boyfriend, so don't give it to her. Let her be mad.

She is an attention whovre, who doesn't give a fvck about your needs, or how her actions make you feel. You should do the same back to her. Just be a d!ck, but do it subtly. Laugh inside when she gets all butt hurt. Pull the rug out from underneath her feet.

 

[YeeZus]

After our conversation yesterday afternoon I Did not contact her until today afternoon when I noticed she was out of office today. I called her just to check on her if she was doing ok. She informed me she was sick in the morning but is totally fine now and going out with mom. Then again the conversation dragged into you have to move on I will help you move on. We can be friends and help each other get over but I said no and disconnected the call. The girl who told me after lunch on Friday let's see how we can handle things is totally against thinking of the possibility of getting back. She even told me she don't trust me anymore and there is no future with me.

I guess she has something in her mind that she is not speaking up. She might be in a relationship and just being in touch with me to move on. She says she loves me a lot but situation is out of her hand. She thinks she would not be happy after marriage.

Harry / nooblogy - thanks for your advise I will try and give it a shot. What ya guys think what she is up to?

 

[YeeZus]

@Harry Wilmington - Thanks for the advise man its working. I haven't been bringing up old memories and she is enjoying the company. But deep inside it is killing me the thought of her being with someone else. After a few weeks from my last post we ended up having sex.

What next??