Help needed with avoidant attachment girl

[RoadKing_Rabbit]

She has daddy issues and can't trust easily and she needs a lot of attention but if I get close she shuns me down and break up with me.

Many times we broke up and got back together.

I was always the one who begged her to come back and she was always the mean tough one to break up if I asked for more commitment or attention.

So I eneded the relationship, but the next day I tried to come back She blocked me on Snapchat, but kept me on WhatsApp since we are coworkers.

I'm her manager.

I was her mentor.

Right now I think she is trying to be independent and not needing me.

How shall I approach her when I come back to work?

I want her back but with a new frame

It is Worth mentioning that she hates her father since he divorced her mother and she is avoidant attachment and always at war with her feelings towards me since she is saudi and I'm not and according to their culture it is impossible and taboo to be together

PUMP THE BRAKES. Look at each snippet I took from what I read....

First, you ignore a red flag. BIG ONE. This red flag is mentioned in duplicate on your last paragraph. You astutely observe cultural impossibility.

Second red flag you ignore is the "on/off" dynamic. I refuse to identify this as any sort of relationship. It is a FWB situationship, but wait. It gets WORSE.

You BEGGED her to come back? After begging for more attention after she repeatedly tries to get rid of you?! but wait.... IT GETS WORSE!!!!!

*YOU* ended the 'relationship?' There never really was one here, man. I really want to say this in the most gentle way possible. But someone should tell you the truth so you can take a look at the wisdom here. Try the search feature or articles mentioning this kind of stuff. So you are on whatsapp, but she blocks you from snap? Oh gosh.... I honestly will hold back on that one, you're already likely feeling like this is a grilling. I'll cut you some slack before I mention how it GETS WORSE!!!

NOW you say you are "COWORKERS." Are you familiar with the word superior and subordinate? You are NOT equals. You are her BOSS. You acting this way allows her in every way, even professionally, to not respect you. She doesn't have the authority you do, true. But she isn't obligated to respect you. As a manager, you should surely be able to tell me you wouldn't accept this type of conduct from a male subordinate. Wait... it gets WORSE...

You're her MENTOR? What are you mentoring her in? How to feel confused at work and how to be in charge of people, but cater to their whims and emotions miraculously at the same time?

This next paragraph is one thing you get bang on! So I know you can tell to some extent which way is up and which way is down. Perhaps you're in denial? That can be worked with. Focus on the win here. You're RIGHT. I'll only state one thing to add to this. I wouldn't say she's trying to be independent OF you so much as she is trying to COMMUNICATE to you that SHE IS independent of you, save for you allowing her to work and not firing her of course.

Approach her professionally ONLY. Don't try to have a relationship with a subordinate! The only caveat is if she transfers to a different position under a different manager. This is an HR MINEFIELD. I'm appalled you don't hint at this at the very least. I have no managerial experience save for the military. What do I know? But it still doesn't sound like a good idea by any stretch.

There's no 'getting this one back.' That ship has sailed. Magic gone. POOF. If you want a new frame, demonstrate if OUTSIDE your professional networking by showcasing/explaining to a date about the dynamic dream team you lead. Then use leadership traits to LEAD the lady you're dating, not bow down to her whims.

Get to the basics man. The BASICS. This isn't a grilling session and I wish you the best. Sometimes we just want to deny reality because it is easy. But doing the easy thing isn't the way to anything but easy fast @ss Tiffanies, and even then, sometimes they don't go for guys showing they've mastered 'easy.' Reality is tough and you've gotten a pretty rough dose. Perhaps an overdose. I think you know more than you're letting on about what you need to work on. You're in the right spot. Stick around. There are other ladies out there. Ones that are so much better than this woman you are infatuated with that you'll barely be able to think about her anymore sooner than you think.

A great couple of books that are great on leadership and people in general; "It's your ship" and "How to win friends and influence people."

 

[Gamisch]

Where and how to start?

Thats a deep ,deep question.

I say that because the only way to " start " is by actually having an idea of where the finish is. And the finish is a LONG and tough one to reach!

***You will first of all need to dump her..we call that a soft next sometimes, meaning you break up but as docile and friendly as you can..blame it on yourself. Compliment her but be 10000% assured of your decision. It's like firing someone : the only thing left is the message,no more bargaining or negotiating. And you might notice how she just might "suddenly " make you doubt your decision by sucking up to you (again) Will feel like 1 win today, but end up feeling like a million losses tomorrow. Believe me..I've been there multiple and perhaps numerous times myself ..always end up hurting you..

***Secondly, you will need to completely reinvent your self image. Your standards, laws, who you are ,who you wanna be ,and why you've been at peace with who you became. Because you kinda let yourself down by allowing someone to treat you like this without standing up for yourself. Never no need to be an aszhole 24/7 ,but there definitely should be clear boundaries you live by. Time to filter out your weaknesses and reshape your image. If you want to I can elaborate further on this.

*** accept the pain and the process. It's gonna take 6 months to a year to recover from this IF you start the healing process as quickly as possible, like yesterday.

And the next will hurt: Meanwhile ,she will move on and be with a new dude faster than you will be over her. Hence why I personally ALWAYS advise against chasing women at work. She will be angry , tempting, hot and cold, might talk ****e about you ect ect. Gotta be mentally prepared for this, and thats why its so extremely important that you have a PLAN. A plan that contains a guide on how to deal with her BS ,in order to maintain the vision of who you wanna be and how you will improve.

*** And , as this is a forum about getting women; you should DEFINITELY get new experiences with different women. And imo not I repeat NOT with the intention of immediately finding a new gf or long term relationship that has you stuck.

This might actually be the hardest part for you, no disrespect. But most men will (unconsciously) mostly fear being alone, being too_fill in insecurity _ to ever find another woman who will " love" them. But the moment you get those new experiences you will realize your worth, worthy , a force to reckon with ect.

***Again deep question and not easy to answer. But it comes down to being honest to WHY you are in this predicament, and next to attack the roots of the issues. Good luck