help me help him

[havoc]

My best friend wants to get married in about a year -- he's only 25 and been with this woman for two years. On top of that, she is TEN YEARS older than he!

He thinks she is the greatest thing ever, but I think he's making a huge mistake. Sure, she is smart (has a degree in physics but suddenly decided at the age of 33 to go back to school for a masters in social work) and attractive (probably a 6 or 7) -- but he is young and she is old. She has a lot of life experience under her belt sure -- I bet that's one of the reasons he finds her attractive -- but he has YEARS (and women) ahead of him.

For the life of me I can't fathom why he would do this to himself. He says he loves her... okay, fine, but MARRY her? What is he thinking?

I need to enlighten this man and quickly. He's not particularly AFC -- always been able to get the girls, and some pretty hot ones too -- but he's a fellow musician and capable of doing so much more.

I want to convince him to wait a bit on this but not come off as though I am attacking her. Some advice on this sitch would be great.

 

[Faded Image]

He's a grown man and has made up his mind.

You're sounding like one of those "misery loves company" types of people.

If he's making a big mistake, he'll have to make that mistake in order to learn from it. Like when we were young and our parents told us not touch the iron because it's hot and we touch it anyway burning the hell out of us. You just do you and let him do him.

Be prepared to be the best man at his wedding.

 

[havoc]

Well, thanks for assuming all that, but -- I don't want him to make a mistake after he has brought kids into it. Better he should not marry this woman now than realize later what the mistake is.

Why do you think I am about the "misery loves company"? What makes you think THAT?

 

[frivolousz21]

what?

that isnt much of a reason to not get married.

 

[Warrior74]

Let it go man. All you can do as a friend is ask him if he's thought it thru. If he says hes, congradulate him and support him. Show him a good time for his bachelor party and let him know that during the wedding if he says the word you and the guys will grab and rush him out of the chapel. Leave no man behind! It's his life. Let him live it.

 

[havoc]

I know it's him and his life. It's just that he's young and I don't want him to make a mistake -- worse, realize his mistake in ten years when it's much more difficult to get out (with a kid, child support, etc.)

I am not saying it's wrong for him to love this woman, live with her, etc... But does he have to MARRY her? She is 36, he is 25. He needs to live a bit more. I want to convey this to him without sounding harsh about her or anything, just want him to think things through a bit more. That's all.

Want to know HOW to say this, how he should think about it, without sounding too negative about him or her.

 

[Warrior74]

Have a few drinks and discuss what he thinks marriage means and what he expects to get out of it. Let him talk out his ideas on marriage, his dreams and expectations. If you see an opening to discuss the cons bring it up. Ask him about his thought on prenups and cohabitation. Let him do most of the talking and just guide the conversation.

 

[DavenJuan]

nail his fiancee,

that should do the trick....

but then again, nowadays that may not do much of anything

 

[havoc]

LOL, his fiancee does not care for me. She is not rude to me, but I can tell....

I might have to do the discussion over drinks thing with him. I asked him if he had talked to his dad about it, told him her age. (He had previously hid her age from his family.) He told his dad over Christmas, and apparently his father said the age difference was not a big deal.

I don't want to sound sour grapes over this -- yes, she is smart, attractive, seems to be a kind person... but marriage?? At such a young age to a much older woman? Does anyone else see this as a bit... suspect?

By the way, if they talked about prenups, as someone suggested, I suspect she would laugh (ala George and Susan in Seinfeld) since she used to make a lot of money and is now going to grad school and doing fine. I suspect she has a sizable chunk saved up or something, and she has more than ten years on the guy.

I suppose, all and all, I just don't trust her. If not her, then...something about this.

 

[havoc]

I thought I posted this in "Mature Man" as it dealt with 25+ and of course marriage.

Am I imagining things or was it moved??

Thanks!

 

[MacAvoy]

Read the sticky in the MM forum.

 

[havoc]

Read the sticky in the MM forum.

Oh -- my bad. I should have read before I posted.

Fixed it.