HELP! "Just Friends" advice

[Dr_Rocco]

Just stumbled across this site recently and I really dig the advice. Here is my problem:

I met this girl about 9 months ago at work and we became very good friends. She is ultra hot (hottest girl I have seen in a while), a really sweet person and generally someone who should be "out of my league" and should have been afraid to talk to, but I wasn't and we became very close friends.

At first she told me she didn't have a boyfriend and we would hang out during lunch breaks and talk. So I eventually asked her out - we went on one daytime date... nothing too exciting. Then we traded email addresses and phone numbers.

As the days and weeks went on I asked her on dates periodically, always with the same results... a nice excuse or a polite "no thanks" Finally she told me she had a boyfriend, but we could still be friends.

I actully acted cool & treated her just as I always did, except I would brag about dates I had on the weekends (even when it wasn't true or when it was with someone I didn't really like). Finally she told me in March that she was getting a new job in May, so asked her if we could still be friends... she said yes.

Then right before she left her job she told me her boyfriend broke up with her. Naturally I was excited, yet confused. So my calls became more persistant. Once May and June rolled around we hung out a bit, yet I can't get romantically to the next level.

I tried everything, hints, flirting, even telling her that she is the kind of woman I could fall for.

I know she goes on dates occassionally, yet I also know she always calls me and we see eachother 1 to 2 times a week - not on a date, just come over in the day and watch a movie and get something to eat.

Am I doomed to be "just a friend" forever? Or is she just getting over her ex-boyfriend? Or is she just playing the field just in case she could do better? How do I know without asking her directly? Am I wasting my time or do girls sometimes come around with enough persistance?

 

[themanwithnoname]

You ask too many questions, move on with your life.

 

[PeoplesChamp]

Without knowing too much (or really anything actually) about you, I'd say you've done a lot to sabotage your chances. No offense, I've done this myself numerous times. All men have. The short answer is just because you are friends doesn't doom you to an eternity in that category. Regardless you need to step your game up. I recommend Kino or physically ****y Funny Humor. Rip on her insecurities/flaws. Do some relection here how comfortable of a vibe are you putting out. You need to be conveying a "almost disturbingly too comfortable" vibe at this point. Talk about other hot women, sexual escapades, if she has any hot friends, ect...Stop shooting for "affection" and start aiming for attraction there really is a big difference...

 

[Hellboy]

You're CEMENTED in friend zone. The only way this would work is if you: first stepped up your game and tried to attract her, as has been mentioned. But she will resist this. Next, become involved in a relationship with someone else and see less of her. She will feel neglected and jealous and primed for plucking. The downside of this is that you'll probably hurt the other girl. But then again for it to work the other girl would need to be at least hot enough for this girl to compare herself. In which case you might not be so interested in the original girl after that. Pretending to have another girl probably won't work

 

[NewMan]

yet I also know she always calls me and we see eachother 1 to 2 times a week - not on a date, just come over in the day and watch a movie and get something to eat.

And in here lies your problem.

You act like a friend - so how do you expect her to treat any other way?

You are her emotinal tampon.

Cut out this hanging out BS.

Don't be as available.

Stop having her coming over - tell her your hanging out with another girl. Make this up - better yet make it HAPPEN.

Be busy, me excellent, get other pvssy - and be unavailable. When you do do something with her, make it fun.

 

[Dr_Rocco]

Hey bro's - Thanks so much for the advice. I think you guys all are right. I will blow her off for a while and make sure I go on a date - (I know this girl that I am not too into but she is into me).

It seems like you all can see the obvious, that the only slight chance I have is to step things up a notch, start bragging, start blowing her off and try to level the playing field.

If she come around after all this and she seems jealous, do you think I should try to put a serious move on her?

 

[becker]

How many of these posts do we need before we come to terms with this?

Ok, being friends with a girl is not a problem, don't get all paranoid. That's the first thing. My last relationship started as a friendship.

Here's the key. You hang out with the girl, like you're doing, but you need to just be happy being who you are, without a girl. Enjoy life, having fun doing things with her without any worries of what may happen between you two. Don't hang out with her everyday. The reason why you hang out with her often has to be because you enjoy each other's company, and nothing else. If you get all pathetic, then forget it.

Be passionate about things you like to do or are into. If she wants to come along for the ride, great. If not, then you probably aren't a good pairing anyways, so just keep her as a friend only. Too many people here seem to want to fit a square peg into a round hole. They see a hot girl, and they want her to be compatible with them, even if she's not. If you find a girl who's compatible with you, you'll know, because there won't be any of this nonsense, and you'll just click.

 

[Bonhomme]

Becker is right on

(raises a glass ...)

 

[Dr_Rocco]

Becker: I dig where you're coming from, but in all honesty if this relationship doesn't get to the next level I don't want her as a friend. It would just burn me up to have her start dating some new guy after she had 9 months to get to know me. It sounds bad, but I just can't take it. I've dated my last girlfriend for 2 1/2 years and haven't had this strong of feelings. Since you had a friendship with a girl turn into a girlfriend, could you let me know how it happened... was it just something that evolved? Should I just be patient?

 

[Bonhomme]

He already told you D_R

... but the whole vibe was obviously a lot different in Becker's case. He was coming from a "Devil may care" position, whereas you're coming from a position of neediness, which is poison to female attraction.

I've walked miles in your moccasins, and the best advice I can give is to move on. Find another gal who's as interested in you as you are in her... 'cause this one obviously ain't going anywhere until your focus is elsewhere. The overwrought concern must go. That's just the breaks.

 

[Dr_Rocco]

You got to understand, that is the only reason I came to this website and message board is because I am overwroughtly concerned and really have no one to turn to. I suppose I should clarify one thing, I don't act all needy in front of her - actually I act like everything is cool at all times. Trust me, I am at my whits end with this girl, I just want to get to the next level or move on. As long as there still seems to be a slight possibility that this thing could work, I am going to do what I can. I will just have to see if blowing her off for a few days will help.

 

[Hound_of_Love]

Originally posted by Dr_Rocco
You got to understand, that is the only reason I came to this website and message board is because I am overwroughtly concerned and really have no one to turn to. I suppose I should clarify one thing, I don't act all needy in front of her - actually I act like everything is cool at all times. Trust me, I am at my whits end with this girl, I just want to get to the next level or move on. As long as there still seems to be a slight possibility that this thing could work, I am going to do what I can. I will just have to see if blowing her off for a few days will help.

Trust me my friend, most of us have been there. I was always torn between the fact that I hate to give up at anything and the realization that there are some things you cannot win.

Women can smell the neediness form a mile away. If you can change your mindset to one where you really don't care then you're half way there. Of course then you really won't be bothered if you get her or not. Catch 22.

I can only suggest you follow Senor Fingers method but don't get your hopes up. Good luck sir!

 

[Dr_Rocco]

Yeah, thanks for the advice. I suppose you're right, she has to know I am totally into her - this looks like a battle I can't win, so I guess it is just best to back off a while - I guess it is my only hope to see if she is attracted to me.

If becoming unavailable for her and acting like I don't care doesn't work then I suppose it is safe to assume she isn't into me and things will never work. But should I tell her how I feel before I decide to cut her out of my life? Trust me, I know telling a girl how you feel is pure suicide, but perhaps that is the best way for a clean break - to assure she can't call me under the guise of missing her "friend" - she'll know I don't want to be a chump friend.