Help! I keep f'in up

[DjMe]

Sup.
So I’ve been doing alright with the ladies in general lately (compared to where I was a year ago, really really alright), but one problem keeps coming up that blocks me from reaching my full potential.

Scenario is as follows:
-I will have a couple of good options going for me at once (girls I would do or date).
-I will progress steadily with all of them.
-Something physical will happen between one of them and myself.
-And then (and this is where my problem is), I will focus my efforts on just the one I got physical with, even if it was only on the level of making out.
-Then I’ll get these fantasies in my head of what it might develop into.
-Then before I know it I’m back to being a chump chasing one girl that may or may not become anything.

I guess my question is how do I avoid becoming overly infatuated with a girl once it starts to get physical? What kind of mindset do you guys usually have? What kind of mindset do girls usually have about the whole thing?

 

[DonGorgon]

I understand your situation.. since i am now looking for "love" I tend to focus too much one one girl also.. Its soo important to keep other options which i have but emotionally i want that one girl.. Its frustrating.

 

[stonetowers]

I'm all for natural feeling but I think in this case if you find yourself focused on simply one girl force yourself to think about others.Not to fall in love but instead remind yourself that she's not the first,the best and damn sure not the only.

 

[Interceptor]

Oneitis develops from immature and irrationally based assumptions on a woman.An over romanticized romance, if you will.
It arises from neediness and lower self esteem.
It is a manifestation of needs not being met, and one not having the mature perspective and resources to fill them, thus basing all your needs on this one woman whom accepted you,in your case.
In most, the woman Never accepts the guy. Which only exacerbates the problem, since he cant have her and get his needs met from her.

In your situation, you seem to have a need to secure your future and not have any uncertainties.
this is from a lack of confidence and maturity.

 

[DjMe]

Interceptor, I definately understand what you are saying. "Over romanticized romance" seems to sum it up perfectly. I am just trying to figure out a new mindset on how to get past it.

If I were to read between the lines of your post, I would conclude that I have to mature and not be insecure. Alright... I can work on that. But I need help understanding what is going through the head of somebody after they hookup. Is it simply "that was fun, lets move on to the next one."?

 

[Interceptor]

What you're succumbing to is the NEED for REASSURANCE that "Everything is OK."

"Is everything OK? Are you OK with this? Is there anything wrong? Did I say something wrong? OMG, did I offend you? Im so sorry. I'll never do that again. Are you sure everything is OK? We dont have to go here. Im so sorry about all of this.":nervous:
Can you see what you can be communicating here?



This is a HUGE TREMENDOUS Sign of Neediness and Insecurity.


I know you want her.

But when you place soooooo much importance on 'getting' her, and getting her approval, you are in a deep deep hole, a bad place to be, man.



When you have confidence and high self esteem, you are OK with people not 'liking' you.
You are comfortable with yourself and dont need a woman to tell you you are a "Man" and that you are "OK". Overcompensating, seeking approval, being embarassed and ashamed , insecure, seeking validation are all things that MUST BE ELIMINATED COMPLETELY In order for YOU to GROW and BECOME A Mature, Masculine MAN.




And please, please read this several times, (and you too, you lurkers):



Part of Being a Masculine and Mature Man is being Confident, Self ASSURED, and SELF VALIDATED, and at Peace with INstability, INSecurity, UNCertainty, and Changes and FLUCTUATIONS.


In other words, when YOU , as a mature, MASCULINE man, are COMFORTABLE in UNCERTAIN situations, YOU ARE TRULY Mature, Masculine, and Confident IN YOURSELF without the NEED for ANYONE else's validation.


I read in Tim from RSD's Blog just the other day this very same issue.
He wrote a Zen quote:


No roof over head.
No ground under feet.


Please read that and let it sink in.
There is a HUGE lesson in those words, especially for masculinity, maturity and the self sufficiency of the Warrior.

If you get it...then you are well on your way to understanding what Im trying to get across, if not, you're still in that boy psychology stage.

 

[DjMe]

I definitely have a better feel for what your saying. About an hour or so after reading your first post what you said really started to sink in, and it was actually refreshing to be called out so blatantly for it. Oneitis completely sucks, I just never realized how badly I was suffering from it. My problem with girls comes from my insecurity with them, which has been the case pretty much my whole life.

Now I've made strides in leaps and bounds about correcting my self hate and low self esteem, as well as actually having a social life with the ladies. I think my problem was after I made several initial bursts, I got too comfortable with where I was at. Then I started expecting something more from girls I had barely done anything with, which is the point where I kept f'ing myself over. It was frustrating man, but it was a product of my own naïve-ness. I can count the girls since the year started who simply wanted sex while I complicated sh*t with thoughts of romance. I guess I was thinking it wasn’t the "proper" way of going about doing it. This mostly comes from lack of experience with sex. I'm not a virgin, but I've never had steady sex with someone before.

So as of now, I am going to bed and going to wake up tomorrow with a fresh view on girls, and stop trying to complicate the process so much. I’m going to have to reread your second post again over the next couple of days to let it sink in a bit more, but I get the gist of it. I thought you were a bit brutal with your response at first, but it’s what I needed to hear. Thanks man, and everyone else who responded

 

[slaog]

What you're succumbing to is the NEED for REASSURANCE that "Everything is OK."

"Is everything OK? Are you OK with this? Is there anything wrong? Did I say something wrong? OMG, did I offend you? Im so sorry. I'll never do that again. Are you sure everything is OK? We dont have to go here. Im so sorry about all of this.":nervous:
Can you see what you can be communicating here?



This is a HUGE TREMENDOUS Sign of Neediness and Insecurity.


I know you want her.

But when you place soooooo much importance on 'getting' her, and getting her approval, you are in a deep deep hole, a bad place to be, man.



When you have confidence and high self esteem, you are OK with people not 'liking' you.
You are comfortable with yourself and dont need a woman to tell you you are a "Man" and that you are "OK". Overcompensating, seeking approval, being embarassed and ashamed , insecure, seeking validation are all things that MUST BE ELIMINATED COMPLETELY In order for YOU to GROW and BECOME A Mature, Masculine MAN.




And please, please read this several times, (and you too, you lurkers):



Part of Being a Masculine and Mature Man is being Confident, Self ASSURED, and SELF VALIDATED, and at Peace with INstability, INSecurity, UNCertainty, and Changes and FLUCTUATIONS.


In other words, when YOU , as a mature, MASCULINE man, are COMFORTABLE in UNCERTAIN situations, YOU ARE TRULY Mature, Masculine, and Confident IN YOURSELF without the NEED for ANYONE else's validation.


I read in Tim from RSD's Blog just the other day this very same issue.
He wrote a Zen quote:


No roof over head.
No ground under feet.


Please read that and let it sink in.
There is a HUGE lesson in those words, especially for masculinity, maturity and the self sufficiency of the Warrior.

If you get it...then you are well on your way to understanding what Im trying to get across, if not, you're still in that boy psychology stage.

Good timing with that post Interceptor. It's good to be reminded!

 

[I.A.F.Y.B.]

To keep yourself from getting too focused or attached to a girl is by keeping busy. You know, have a job, do things with friends, lift weights, play an instrument, rent movies. Do something to keep you occupied and don't see her all the time. Also, keeping your options open.

 

[Tha Realnezz]

^as well as having at least one other female on deck at all times no matter what.Its good policy even if your in an LTR imo...

 

[Tha Realnezz]

Oneitis doesnt really matter if the girl feels the same about you.Thing is dont make rash decisions like move in,get married,give her a key,have a kid,buy stuff together,etc..

 

[garruk]

I understand your situation.. since i am now looking for "love" I tend to focus too much one one girl also.. Its soo important to keep other options which i have but emotionally i want that one girl.. Its frustrating.

i totally get where your coming from. im really looking for "love" right now too. ive been in college for two years and ive had alot of fun just hooking up but i really would like the companionship (i know i know.. i sound liek a fagle) that a ltr brings. just having someone to do and hang out with when all you want to do is just stay home and watch a lame movie.

 

[Mr Autobahn]

Oneitis doesnt really matter if the girl feels the same about you.Thing is dont make rash decisions like move in,get married,give her a key,have a kid,buy stuff together,etc..

I think that is true... don't be in a all fire hurry to get married. Take your time and make sure this is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with... In my opinion... you don't really see the "real" person at the beginning... if I had a dime for everytime one of my friends or co-workers said... I didn't see it coming... Bill Gates would be my doorman...