Help getting back the HB with the total package.

[FreD_BeaR]

First time poster, discovered this forum just before things went real sour, but just couldnt take it anymore. Now I kinda wish I had haha.

Im a 20 yr old good looking guy who works out and is in good shape. I feel I have a great personality and am a great catch, not to be arrogant or anything.
So here goes my detailed story. Gonna have to leave alot out due to length.

I used to be a wussy, but have learned the error of my ways and have made a drastic change in my life, or so i thought.

Living at home, my parents go away for 3 weeks, and I invite this girl over. I do not allow myself to get too attached, I play things cool, hard to get almost, and shes totally into me. we hang out again at my place, things are still great, but she wouldnt let me in her pants, which is something I actually do admire. Let me say this before i go any further, I am in no way shape or form a player, I want to get to know a girl decently before ****in her, and am ultimately looking for a LTR. We go out to the bars together, and stay at hotel with friends at the end of the night. Things are going great at this point. I make it an effort not to hang out too much with her, not to text her too much, and at this point shouldve been calling her, but messed up. Especially after having her over for the 3rd time and having a long night of amazing sex. I have her over a few more times things keep getting better, then my parents get back.

So I shouldve started calling her earlier, but i waited for some reason, which is my pitfall. Things are golden for a month, month and a half. I end convos first, dont talk too much, and told her I wanted to take things slow. I probably made little tiny mistakes here and there, but nothing in my eyes that was too major. But eventually I see shes losing a bit of interest. But the thing is, by this point, I realize I really like her. She really is unlike any girl ive ever met, and I wanted and still want to be with her. Im not putting her on a pedestal, but we are great together and have so much in common.

So I eventualy get out of her that she thinks i dont care about her, that we barely talk in between being together and that i always end convos. So this i where i i think i messed up lol. I told her that i really did care and that athough it seemed like i didnt i do. I explained that I have a life and am a busy person, with school etc. And that i cant always text her even though I may be thinking about her. So after this things are all hunky dorry again, for a bit. She comes over the next day, and we have 'make up sex'. We had never discussed our status as together or what not, bit she asked me at some point if i care if she hang out with her guy friends, i ofcourse tell her no, not unless im given a reason to.

Ive met her whole family, there really cool, especially her 5 older brothers.... But she claims im still a bit shy, i expain that it takes a bit of time to get completely comfortable.

Christmas is approaching. 5 days after we had that talk about me not caring, we go out shopping for some xmas stuff, then go out to dinner. I can still tell theres something wrong, i ask her about it, but she says its just bad memories of past chritmases. Im like ok whatever. But she turns around and we have a great dinner. I ask her to come to my fam dinner for xmas, she seemed very interested but had to see how hers went first. I should have asked her out there i think. But the next few days were unbareable. She felt distant to me, didnt put alot of effort into talking to me anymore. I couldnt take it anymore, not knowing what was going on. So I get together with her 2 days later (Dec 23), and eventually have a talk. She tells me she really 'wanted' to date me, and that shes never been more turned on by someone in her life. But when she wasnt sure what i wanted, it made her think if she really wanted a bf right now, and that she wanted to slow things down. Here, i failed. I really beat around the bush. I told her i really like her and want to keep spending time with her, but never told her i wanted to date her. I said I dont want to stop talking to you, and she quickly agreed and said i want you in my life.

From here, my head is not on straight, she seriously put me in a bad spot. I didnt know what to do. I originally was just going to not contact, but after getting much advice, which ultaimtely ****ed me up in the head, I end up calling her the next day and telling her things i said didnt come out exactly how i felt. Yet i still fail to tell her i want to be her, and tell her i have a hard time expressing how i feel sometimes. She tells me to take a few days and think about what i have to say then.

It drove me completely nuts, shes all i could think about. Why didnt i make my move earlier, ****. I try and call her that night, but she is out with her friends, and eventually i get out of her " i dont think we have much more to talk about". Im absolutely ****ed at this point. I dont initiate contact, she says merry xmas and such. i reciprocate and we text a bit. I dont talk to her for a few days. Then the 27th i text her asking about boxing day ( we had made plans before xmas to go out shopping together). Pretty sure it was the 28th, i call her telling her i want to be with her, if she wants that cool, if not i want to take a step back and see where things go. She says i dont want to lead you on because im not sure what i want anymore. I call her on the 30th, we chit chat like things are normal, i then tell her 'let go out out dinner',she says i dont know if thats a good idea, we talked about this, and that would mean something. So im like whatever. This is done.

So i dont initiate contact. I still want her bad, but figure if she wants me shell talk to me. Which she does, she texts me, wishing me a happy new years on jan 1, we text a bit. Then at 1 am asking me if im at the bars on jan 2. I respond jan 3 saying no i was with the guys, which i was. We text for a while. By this point, ive gone over everything in my head. Realized wow i made more mistakes than i thought, even if some where minor.

I think she is still interested, i havent been in contact with her for 3 days now. What i would like some help on is what to do from here. From all the NO CONTACT threads i read, it really pertained to people who were in a serious LTR. its evident that this girl cannot make the first move, ever. And its taken my 20 years to find someone like her, shes like me in girl form. How do i get her back?

Ps. its long, i know...... but id appreciate some advice, thanks.

 

[BobMo']

"It drove me completely nuts, shes all i could think about. Why didnt i make my move earlier, ****. I try and call her that night, but she is out with her friends, and eventually i get out of her " i dont think we have much more to talk about". Im absolutely ****ed at this point.

Do some searches on ONEITIS. You got a bad case.

 

[FreD_BeaR]

thanks for the replies guys. Yeah i know i have some serious oneitis. But life is so much better now than it was 2 weeks ago. I hate to say it, but my xmas holidays werent too cheerful, and i feel bad for i how pissed off and down i was around me family and friends. But they understood,gave their 2 cents.

I had her in the palm of my hand, now very much not so. I know that with time wounds heal. But i dont think its too late. She is a quality female, and its hard for me to really think she was playing games, but all it is a game i guess. The thing is i knew the point where the power was switching posession, unfortunately i did not know at the time how to fix it. I thought maybe she just wanted to hear the words come out of my mouth i wanted to be with her, since i never would tell her how i felt. Maybe i was wrong, but either way, i couldnt go on without having gotten it off my chest. Those few days were prolly some of the hardest days ive had to go through. Now im like unaffected, but i still obviously care strongly about her. If she didnt want to contact me, why the hell did she continuously text me, i really dont think it was to lead my on, atleast i hope not. She did tell me that she dosnt get attached and never has. I was actually informed before i dated her that shes a heartbreaker, i was like i dont care ill just **** her and move on. But she is much more than that. And she told me shes broken guys before, but theyre all pussies. Id like to think that im not one, but the same thing seems to happen haha. SO you guys think i shouldnt contact her, for how long if she dosnt contact me? What if she contacts me? And should i pull the i think the break was good, because in all honesty it was, it made me realize what was going on, and that we were spending a bit too much time together, but im ready to start reconnecting....

 

[BobMo']

All relationships need work and attention. If you feel that she's worth the work, go ahead, with my best wishes.
But, try not to supplicate to her, she's probably looking for something she's not had many times - a guy who'll stand up to her and not take her heartbreaker ****. Give it a shot, if you want, but remember the basic principal that she must be into you more than you're into her.

 

[Bible_Belt]

But when she wasnt sure what i wanted, it made her think if she really wanted a bf right now, and that she wanted to slow things down.


That's the "heart-breaker" trait you heard about. What she's most afraid of is her own heart being broken, which is why she always flips out and dumps the guy first. It always works, too, because upon being dumped, the guy will turn into a big AFC and destroy what was left of her interest.

If you want her, then back the hell up. Talk to other girls, maybe see one or two. You're not going to forget the first girl, but the others help you deal with keeping up the NC plan. When she calls or texts you again, keep it light. Don't ever have a serious relationship discussion; it's pointless. If you ask her to see you and she says no, you may tease her about being scared of having her own heart broken. I would just call her on her BS when the time is right. Tell her that you can see that she's not ready for a relationship because she's scared of getting hurt. Don't be mad or pissy about it, just matter-of-fact. Then back away like none of this bothers you at all, and let her stew over it. That is how to get her interested again.

 

[FreD_BeaR]

thanks alot for the insight. I think you are right Bible_Belt, what you say makes total sense to me. Especially earlier in the day. Now i want to text her again haha. I think what im afraid of is her waiting for me to make a move, and me waiting for her to a move. I deffiantely do not want that. I know i need to move on in my life, but other people keep telling me things i want to here, which may be clouding my vision of what i should actually be doing. Like maybe she is afraid of being played, because i dont know if i showed much interest in a relationship until things went downhill. And i continue to sit confused, wondering what to do.

 

[FreD_BeaR]

This is the most crucial part in your entire post. When you had her available, you didn't really want her. When you realized you were losing her, it triggered an automatic "loss aversion" switch in your head and now you "realize you really like her." It's the law of attraction - people are attracted to those people they don't think they can get. It's one of those automatic reactions where you think if it's too easy, then it must mean you can do better.

Same thing on her part. When you weren't really available, she wanted you bad. You probably dragged out the "no contact" way too long, but once she started losing interest and you tried remedying that by giving her MORE attention, that's where you just fell into the death spiral. The more attention you give her, the less interested she gets, and the more attention you give her, and so on.

At this point I really don't know if it can be salvaged. Try giving her absolutely no contact, but at this point you've already showed your hand by telling her you want her and you want to date her. She knows she can have you if she wants, and the fact that she's pulling away is a bad sign. It's honestly better to start getting over it than hanging onto that last thread of hope for the next few months and then getting devastated.

The things is though, Its not that once she started showing less interest i got interested. I was interested the whole time and really liked her from the start. But held myself back from making a fool of myself. I think i held back way too much, then when i saw things starting to go sour i let my emotions out a bit more. I deffinately have had in the past when things are too easy i am not attracted at all. But int his case, things werent easy, they were just right, but i didnt tell her i liked her or anything, until i got worried.

The no contact is really tough sometimes. Sometimes im like i cant intitiate the contact, that would ruin things, shell get ahold of me eventually. Then x amount of time later i feel totally opposite. Im living my life, and i know it would be so much easier to just move on, but i dont know if i can. Its been 4 days since we talked to each other, i think i need to wait a least a week. and should probably wait a couple weeks if she dosnt contact me again. But the point is she did contact me. In the back of my mind all i can think is how her still being interested and waiting for me to make my move. I mean she didnt really break up with me, and i know for a fact she REALLY liked me, she didnt pull out the LJBF and i was sure to avoid going down that path when we talking. Im just interested in kind of jump starting this, things dont have to get too serious. Id love to just go back to the fun we were having when things werent very complicated. I dont know if this is serious oneitis or not. Im afraid of waiting too long not contacting her and her losing the interest she has left, is this a realistic concern or am i just being a *****.

 

[hydroheathen]

I'm in the same boat, friend.

 

[FreD_BeaR]

I went no contact, its the only way you can get over it. In the process, I worked a lot on myself. I realized, who gives a **** what other people think and to worry about myself and what I want. I have much more confidence than ever before. It actually pains me to think about the **** I said to her, even now reading what I wrote from a month ago is silly. I acted like such a puszy, and it sucks i cant do anything about it. she may or may not think im a loser, which is unfortunate, but when it comes down to it, I dont care.

I went no contact for a month and some. She texted me one day, something just friendly. I thought about. I thought about why she contacted me and whether to respond. I decided to reply a day later, as it is only friendly. I dont know what she wants or what her intentions are, but I suppose it dosnt really matter.

In the end, I learned a sh1t load through all of this. It really does suck that things didnt work out, but in the end Im a much stronger person. That being said I would still like to turn her into a FB though. Any advice on how to go about this?

 

[jester1x]

Leave it be... Her text is ultimately meaningless. Unless she is banging your door down to bang you, it's time to move on. A woman's actions will either reinforce what she's been telling you or betray it.

If she isn't making any attempt to get together with you in the same physical space then you're are getting played. No offense, but you're probably the tenth guy she sent a text to that day.

Be the first guy in her life to move on and actually mean it.

I wouldn't bother with FB. I almost look at it as keeping tabs on someone without actually being involved in their lives.

If she really wanted to be with you, you could have kicked her out of your moving vehicle. Then, you would see her chasing after you in the rearview mirror bloodied up or not. Women can be vicious in a mean way and vicious when it comes to who they want to be with.

Don't get me wrong here...I still love women. But, there comes a point when you learn to do what's best for your own mental health.