Hello all, my name is -E- and I have a problem!

[-E-]

They say admitting to having a problem is the first step towards recovery. I have a serious problem meeting women and gaining their interest, so there you have it...

At any rate, I am new to the forum although I have lurked and read a bit over the last couple weeks. Let me break this down to two parts, 1st part being a little about me and who I am, and the 2nd part being what my problems are. I look forward to getting to know you guys and gladly appreciate any advice you give me. Hopefully with your help, I can put an end to the misery I live through daily.

To begin - I am a recently divorced 34 year old guy who was married for almost 13 years (we never had children however). This means that I never allowed myself the chance to "sow my wild oats" and instead got married at a ripe 21 years of age, my wife being only the 2nd girl I ever slept with. Yes, you read that right, I'm 34 years old and have only slept with TWO women my entire life. Pathetic right?

I consider myself to be a decent looking guy. I used to be extremely unpopular in middle/high school and as a result never had girlfriends and had the lowest self-esteem and confidence you'd ever see. However, during the course of my marriage (and as I grew up) I became VERY outgoing and confident and have absolutely no problem holding conversations with women, men, and random strangers. I have long hair (currently to about my shoulders) and people tell me that it makes me look younger than I really am, which is good I suppose. I lift off and on but I always carry a somewhat muscular physique, currently starting to cut up for the summer (too much bodyfat despite the muscle).

I *seem* to get looks from girls every now and then but rarely use that to my advantage. I still have a number of issues (both with myself and with women in general) that I'm trying to get past, because I'm honestly about at rock bottom right now. I'm at that point where I don't think I'll find anyone else (undoubtedly fueled by both my lack of experience and flashbacks to horrible experiences in school and just before I met my ex-wife) and life is pretty depressing. I have a career in IT at a good company and am fairly stable, even though I don't make a lot of money, but I have some direction.

So that's a bit about who I am. Now, onto my various problems, which I hope you guys can help me with!

Problem #1 - I find the entire singles scene to be DEGRADING to men, and I'm tired of feeding the bloated egos of women. This is probably the most destructive one, because it prevents me from sticking with the gameplan. I have this anger, this frustration for how things in the single's scene is now. It was bad enough back in the 90s but things have changed dramatically since then. I look down on women in general for how they treat men, based on my own recent experiences trying to meet them, and it makes me just want to become a hermit and live in a hut somewhere. But that's not what I really want. I love women but their attitudes completely disgust me. I want to just accept it for what it is but I can't seem to. How do I get past this anger and frustration?

Problem #2 - I am VERY self-conscious about my age. Though I mentioned that people say my hair makes me look younger, I'm still about 10 years older than the average single girl, especially the ones at clubs and bars. I guess I psyche myself out thinking that if I approach a girl, she'll think I'm that dreaded word, a "Creeper". Many girls like guys a few years older, but regardless, I can't get past my paranoia that if I approach that 25 year old hottie over there, she'll think I'm just a creepy old guy. How do I get past this hangup?

Problem #3 - I don't have many friends and despite my attempts at building a social circle, most people blow me off. I've gone out with friends from work and tried to initiate activities, but it doesn't seem to be reciprocated -- nobody wants to include me in their own plans. If I can't get a social circle built, I'll never be able to build social proof nor have the benefit of a group of friends that have my back out in the field. People seem to like me a lot but for some reason, they always blow me off. What might I be doing to cause this, and how can I fix it?

Problem #4 - I'm terrible at reading signals from girls and figuring out what to do next. I do have some approach anxiety (i.e. when I see a girl look at me at a club, I think about approaching her but then psych myself out and hesitate. Then, 5 minutes later when I try to move towards her, she hides behind her friends). I might be a little self-conscious about my voice which could affect conversations, but I don't know for sure.

Problem #5 - I'm not 100 percent sure what I actually WANT. Part of me wants to say "Screw it, I have 13 years of wasted time to make up for, I'mma try to bang everything with a vajayjay that moves!" But I know deep down I want one girl to share my life with, and build a life together with. I really do love being in relationships, but the problem is that most younger girls today are huge sluts, at least from what I've seen. I don't want to get into a relationship with a girl who has had dozens of partners, even if she's a "reformed slut" and it's all in the past. But I also want someone as outgoing as I am who isn't afraid to try new things in the sack. It all seems so hopeless.


I really want to overcome my hangups, attitude issues, and shortcomings. I really want to have women in my life. The only thing (besides money) missing in my life is women, and it's the one thing that I want and need the most. I have hobbies, I have a career, and I have friends, but now that I'm single again I feel very alone and vulnerable in a strange, alien world. I guess that's what 13 years of faithful marriage will do to a guy...

I'm looking forward to your replies. Thanks in advance, friends.

 

[2crudedudes]

I was in a long term relationship since I was 22 with a divorced single mother. I'm 27 now and this relationship FINALLY ended, and I feel like I've wasted a lot of my life. Your story tells me there's still hope for me, and maybe someone else's story will do the same for you.

I look forward to the responses to your issue, and hope everything works out for you. Best of luck.

 

[scorpio1138]

I feel like I've wasted a lot of my life.

But wasn't it great for most of that time you were together?

How was it a waste? You got laid a lot right?

I've learned something in every relationship I've had. I don't consider any of them wasted time.

 

[Kailex]

Problem #1 - I look down on women in general for how they treat men, based on my own recent experiences trying to meet them, and it makes me just want to become a hermit and live in a hut somewhere. But that's not what I really want. I love women but their attitudes completely disgust me. I want to just accept it for what it is but I can't seem to. How do I get past this anger and frustration?

By realizing that although MANY women are like this, there are many that AREN'T this way. Stop associating all women with your last experience. Yes, there will be those who will make you from upon the female gender, but you'd also be missing out by becoming a hermit.

That right hand is not as sexy as a woman.

Problem #2 - I am VERY self-conscious about my age. Though I mentioned that people say my hair makes me look younger, I'm still about 10 years older than the average single girl, especially the ones at clubs and bars. I guess I psyche myself out thinking that if I approach a girl, she'll think I'm that dreaded word, a "Creeper". Many girls like guys a few years older, but regardless, I can't get past my paranoia that if I approach that 25 year old hottie over there, she'll think I'm just a creepy old guy. How do I get past this hangup?

Know what is also different from the 90's? Women are waiting til longer to get into serious relationships, hence, you will STILL find many women in their 30's who are single and without children. Granted, the ratio of finding these is less than those in their 20's... but there are still some. And I don't know why, but it seems like you only want a woman who is in their mid-20's. Are you opposed to meeting anyone in their early 30's??? Because you can start by trying to finding out social bars where thirty-somethings hang out.

If you think that you are creeper, then you are probably giving off that vibe. Start projecting yourself as a confident man. You should be EXCITED!!! This is a great time for you! You are still 34 and WITHOUT kids. If you were like 65... then that's a whole other story.

Problem #3 - I don't have many friends and despite my attempts at building a social circle, most people blow me off. I've gone out with friends from work and tried to initiate activities, but it doesn't seem to be reciprocated -- nobody wants to include me in their own plans. If I can't get a social circle built, I'll never be able to build social proof nor have the benefit of a group of friends that have my back out in the field. People seem to like me a lot but for some reason, they always blow me off. What might I be doing to cause this, and how can I fix it?

It might be the same reason why you think you might come off as a creeper. Although you have many of the factors of a confident person, it seems like you really aren't ENTIRELY, which might turn off people from hanging out with you. You also might be suffering from social awkwardness because your adult life was identified by "being with someone" and all of a sudden, you are all alone in this world and it seems so much more bigger in scope.

Get some hobbies and meet people throughout those hobbies. The gym alone isn't good enough, unfortunately.

Problem #4 - I'm terrible at reading signals from girls and figuring out what to do next.

Assume that any woman that looks at you, is interested.
That should help your mindset. Just approach them as a person, not just as a woman. All you have to do is go up to them and say: HI (most of the times). It's that easy!

Problem #5 - I'm not 100 percent sure what I actually WANT.

Thus, spinning plates! This is actually perfect, because you get to FIND OUT what you want!

Part of me wants to say "Screw it, I have 13 years of wasted time to make up for, I'mma try to bang everything with a vajayjay that moves!" But I know deep down I want one girl to share my life with, and build a life together with.

Stop thinking about getting a girl to share your life with. You can't run without crawling first. Look for girls to go out with first. You haven't even gotten a number and you already want to head straight on into another LTR. This is YOUR time to enjoy life!

It all seems so hopeless.

Definitely the wrong mindset to have and women will be able to see this from a mile away because you'll be projecting this while you are approaching. DJ Bible and Book of Pook... DO IT.

I say that before you go trying to get girls... you need to work on your inner game. It starts with you. If you want to get the 25 year old hottie, you need to come across as a confident man that knows what he wants in life.

Again, these are EXCITING times, not HOPELESS times. You have a second chance in life and you are still young enough to be able to ENJOY IT.

Do you know how many divorced men WITH children probably envy you right now?

You get a second lease. Use it well, my friend.
And welcome to the boards.


I really want to overcome my hangups, attitude issues, and shortcomings. I really want to have women in my life. The only thing (besides money) missing in my life is women, and it's the one thing that I want and need the most. I have hobbies, I have a career, and I have friends, but now that I'm single again I feel very alone and vulnerable in a strange, alien world. I guess that's what 13 years of faithful marriage will do to a guy...

I'm looking forward to your replies. Thanks in advance, friends.[/QUOTE]

 

[The_last_Gunslinger]

I turn 36 this year, after reading your post I realized that we share the same perspective from our slice of this generation. Make no mistake -E-, the gender war was just starting in the 90s, it is now in full swing, thus your shell shock concerning the dating conditions in which we now face as men.

Unlike you I was never married. Much like you I was awkward in high school and grow into my looks into my 20's (the late bloomer effect). No doubt my looks helped me out in my 20s, plenty of girls would demonstrate interest or outright jump me since I had no understanding of Game or dating dynamics. Some guys may think that's cool and it was, however I never got to pick the girl I wanted, I was the one chosen. Needless to say none of them grew into a healthy, fun LTR.

At our age we begin looking for a partner, comrade, a trusted soul mate. What we are discovering is that the women our age are single mothers who are gaining weight exponentially even as I type this. Not only that but these "prospects" , the women in these dating pools still command a type of attitude that does not reflect their actual physical, or psychological worth. It would be outrageously funny if it weren't as equally sad.

Time for some optimism:
You dodged a big bullet brother, you had no children, step back for a moment and consider yourself EXTREMLY lucky that you don't have that baggage or strain on your style hanging over your head for 18 years. Another piece of optimism for you....men age better than women, your value as an educated, fit, attractive man with momentum in his life is going to skyrocket. Another point..you say you're having issues creating a social circle, while I would still recommend you continue to hammer away at this, take the down time and focus on yourself. In any way possible; more time at the gym, more time in the library learning new languages, more time to fly solo, thus creating a solid inner game. What you will find as you focus more on yourself and the endeavors you take is that you'll discover what you want from women, you'll also find people that share similar interests, thus generating a genuine social circle of like minded people who enjoy your company.

As for your age, all I can say comes directly from my experience witnessing couples and knowing friends: when I was in high school girls were dating college guys, when I was in college girls were dating newly graduated men, When I was a graduate and in my 20s I would watch girls in their 20s hook up with guys in their 30s.......so good news for us!
As with everything it takes time and focus, but our age allows for a touch more discipline, determination and resources to acquire what we want.

Good luck to you brother, if your anything like me it will seem daunting at first, but with each minor victory you get closer to who your suppose to be in life.


P.s . As for your problem #4...this is why sosuave was created. I recommend you read the Book of Pook, the link is below under The DJ Bible. Read it as many times as you need.

 

[BigJimbo]

Leave America. Simple as that. There is no such thing as a "creepy guy" in non-English speaking parts of the world. If you are into older single mothers stay in America. If not just leave.

 

[stayfly]

decide what you want in every area of your life

make plans to achieve what you want

take massive action

if you do that in 3 months you will be more passionate about life. do it for a year or more and you'll be a different, better person

 

[-E-]

Kailex - Thank you for the detailed replies. I'd be happy to date women in their 30's, my only thought was that very few of them are single. Thus the pool of girls in their 20s seems much larger, hence my focus. Each of your points make good sense and I'll keep what you've said in mind. I guess old habits die hard, eh?

Gunslinger - Good input, thanks. Your experiences thus far give me much hope and I'll try to focus on that.

Stayfly - I know I should focus more on other areas of my life. It's just been difficult thus far with the Divorce and lack of prospects hanging over my head, but I will try even harder.

And you guys are right, I did get a huge break here. The divorce itself was painless and I'm basically friends with my ex -- no conflicts and we agreed on everything, and especially having no kids it's like I was never married to begin with. This "Second Lease on Life" is something I really want to focus on and make the most of, I just have to put myself out there and accept the field (and the attitudes of women) for what it is, and respond accordingly.

Thanks for the helpful replies! Once I get on my feet I'll start posting reports and try to help others when I can.