Heartbreak

[Ahriman]

Hey guys, new poster here, looked at the forum a few years back and its been a mental note ever since. I've come here to request advice to get over heartbreak. My girlfriend and I are on a two week break from one another, the details of which i don't really feel like posting here however it was due to arguments. This two week break though isn't one i'm holding much hope for everything being put back on track for.... I'm already feeling an old familiar pang of pain of loss and misery. Last year I got closer than i did this time around with an ex and spent about 3 months lost. So to avoid this i was hoping you guys might have advice.

Please help

 

[Kailex]

I know you don't want to post details, but I can't give you generic advice.
I don't care how long it takes you to type it up... do it.

It's like going to a shrink and just saying you are afraid of heights... tell me why?

You can't do that. If you want help, at least make the effort to give us details as to what's going on. I can only tell you so much if you give me so much.

Now... start typing.

 

[Naughty Ninja]

Kailex is right. It helps alot to write things down or at least in a draft on email and then submit it. At least save the copy of the draft for yourself to look at to see where things went wrong and or where they went right. Look at the situation for what it is (if you're honest with yourself) and not just dwelling on it letting your mind race with "What If" questions.

 

[Ahriman]

I should have realised that it wouldn't be that easy. The overall issue i feel is miss-communication, as in; getting the wrong end of the stick. An example would be me buying her "Just Dance" for the Wii which she received as a gift from her parents last Christmas. Now she and i had joked a lot that i cannot dance to save my life, we even giggled at her teaching me the hey macarena. Now when she and i started up this game i found it to be rather easy and subsiquently scored highly, this didnt go down well. She became very down very unhappy (she doesnt have alot of self-confidence) and i tried to reasure her it was just a game and it wasn't anything to do with real life. Her response is only one of many examples: "Why can't i beat you then?" Now to me this felt like she was acting like a spoilt brat... having taken a few steps back she meant it very literally, why couldnt she beat her boyfriend at something he apparently isn't very good at? I held my annoyance in check because when she feels 'down' its not worth fighting her whatsoever, it just causes more problems...
This leads me on to 8 and a half months into the relationship (Now). Our recent argument occured today though the cause of it was 3 days ago... She was ill, with a stomach bug, consequently she couldn't do much obviously in any terms. We slept in her mum's room (divorced parents, dad lives with mum's mum, mum lives with daughter in the house alone), the following morning she isn't very talkative, no change there... so while she gets changed in the bathroom i make myself and her mother some tea, i dont make her any because she had a go at me for trying to give her too much already. I head upstairs, tentatively ask if she wants a cup, get a curt "yes" and am on my way. After leaving the tea outside in the bedroom, i head downstairs: Now it was a beautiful day and it was warm too, i took my book and sat outside to read it. She comes out and shortly says "no one really seem to understand that i'm ill" to the world in general and heads back in.... with a "WTF?!" speech-bubble getting bigger in my mind i follow her upstairs and find her lying in her mum's bed, I lean against the door and said "you know we do know you are ill..." i then proceeded to lie next to her, and prepair to read my book, she asks me what im doing and then tells me to go back-outside otherwise i'm going to be stoppy. At this point i've had enough and go, I don't want an argument. Later her dad comes to drop me home, i head back upstairs to explain i'm leaving (we agreed i needed to go home the night before). The girl doesnt even look at me and doesn't even hug me back, just says "i expect your glad to be going home".....

So we had a row today which mainly included me shouting about how i feel i put more effort in, how she takes her problems out on me, she was stupid ignoring me as she did, and how she had the audacity to send me a text after i arrived home saying she thought it best we didnt speak to eachother for 2 weeks....

Now when you reply to this i may say "oh but..." and "she also..." so i apologise for any frustration inccured

 

[Kailex]

How old are you and how old is she? First of all... by the sounds of it, she's younger than 21? Or at least I hope so.

She seems to be fighting over the dumbest of things too. Is this the norm?
Is this how your relationship has always been?

Also, it seems like it's almost easy for her to push you around.
Example being, she dropped that lame comment about no one paying attention to her... and the first thing you did was go and give it to her.

She baited you and you fell for it.
That comment was a trigger for drama.

I say, give her her space, you seem to be getting the worst of the relationship and she seems to be the one in control here.

 

[Ahriman]

Yeah i feel i need to be in more control but i dont want to hurt her feelings, were both 19... she's about to begin uni im starting my second year when she starts her first.
as for the norm? yeah this is the norm

 

[ENIGMA16]

She has complete control and she knows it. She's toying with you because she gets a kick out of it. Either take the frame back or kick her to the curb. But do you really think you deserve to be treated how she treats you? Man up and put your f*cking foot down, dude! You're better than that!

Yeah i feel i need to be in more control but i dont want to hurt her feelings, were both 19... she's about to begin uni im starting my second year when she starts her first.

No sh!t you're "afraid of hurting her feelings". You're pvssy-whipped! You're completely oblivious to what's actually going on. This girl has all the power in the relationship; she knows it and you know it. You're basically her servant; whenever you get out of line all she has to do is act like her feelings are hurt and you're right back in line. You're so worried about hurting her feelings that you're willing to sacrifice your dignity to satisfy her. Stop worrying so much about other people and start worrying about yourself, because that's where the problem lies. Stop asking yourself about how something will make her feel and start asking yourself how it will make you feel. You need to focus on yourself.

EDIT: And by the way, some advice for the future. Don't do arguments. Arguments are stupid and pointless wastes of energy that get you nowhere. If she tries arguing with you just tell her very calmly that you're not down with arguing and that you'll give her some space until she calms down and can talk reasonably. And if she can't do that, then you don't want to talk about it. It takes two to argue, and if you pull out then she'll have to as well.

 

[Kailex]

Yeah i feel i need to be in more control but i dont want to hurt her feelings, were both 19... she's about to begin uni im starting my second year when she starts her first.
as for the norm? yeah this is the norm

Do NOT put her feelings above yours.
DO NOT DO THAT.

By doing that, you are condemning yourself to a future full of anguish and pain.

How do YOU FEEL about this? Do you really want to keep taking all of that abuse?

To be honest, I could EASILY tell she was younger than 21 and she definitely has a firm grasp of your testicles. You should NOT be in a relationship like this in college. You say this is the norm... yet, you are wasting away valuable years of College where you could be going out with BETTER girls than her.

Trust me, I know it'll seem like it will suck at first... but right now, you are getting ZERO benefits out of this relationship. You are just a love slave to her... someone she can push around. She'll be a freshman in college which... guess what... this spells game over for you. She'll find other men that she can just screw around with both mentally and physically but she'll have you still as her main course.

This relationship does NOT sound healthy.

You need to man up right now. As soon as she said: We need a break.
You needed to be ready to kick her to the curb and drop her like a bad habit. I was ready to accept that maybe it was female dramatism due to being sick, but you said it's the norm...

Do NOT take part in this abuse anymore. You are supposed to be a man, you are supposed to be better than this. Imagine your best friend came up to you and told you he was in your situation... wouldn't you tell him to drop her for his mental sanity's sake??

Do the same for yourself. Put your well-being over hers.
She'll recover faster than you ever could from this.