I've recently been talking to a lady who grew up with an abusive father until her mid-teens. I have read numerous horror stories on this forum about BPD women coming from these kinds of backgrounds. Would you ever give a girl like this a chance with your heart?
"She Liked You in March. It's October Now."
Attraction runs on a clock.
She flirted for weeks. Touched your arm. Found reasons to be alone with you. And you were careful. Respectful. Waiting for the right moment.
The moment had a shelf life. It expired around month two, and by the time you asked her out, she'd quietly filed you under "little brother."
One of the hardest lessons inside the 22 Rules: women rarely wait. Interest either grows or it decays, and nothing decays it faster than a man who never moves.
Make the move while she's still inventing reasons to be near you.
HB with abusive childhood
- Thread starter piday314
- Start date
"I just moved here from Florida."
That sentence contains at least five follow-up questions she WANTS you to ask. Where in Florida? What brought you here? How long have you been in the area? What do you miss? How does it compare to here?
She handed them to you on a silver platter. And you said, "Oh cool. I come here every week. I love this band. Ummm... pretty crowded tonight."
She smiled politely. Nodded. And never texted you back.
I was that guy for years. Talking too much. Listening too little. Panicking about my next sentence while she was literally feeding me the answers.
Then I found 22 rules that fixed the whole thing. Rule number one: shut up and listen. She'll tell you exactly what to say.
jophil28
Master Don Juan
Double never.piday314 said:
jophil28
Master Don Juan
My guess is that you have already made your choice.piday314 said:
"I just moved here from Florida."
That sentence contains at least five follow-up questions she WANTS you to ask. Where in Florida? What brought you here? How long have you been in the area? What do you miss? How does it compare to here?
She handed them to you on a silver platter. And you said, "Oh cool. I come here every week. I love this band. Ummm... pretty crowded tonight."
She smiled politely. Nodded. And never texted you back.
I was that guy for years. Talking too much. Listening too little. Panicking about my next sentence while she was literally feeding me the answers.
Then I found 22 rules that fixed the whole thing. Rule number one: shut up and listen. She'll tell you exactly what to say.
No. In fact, a chic who tells you about it is a big red flag.
I dated a chic who told me she was abused after about a month of dating. She was great in the sack, open to doing any and everything. But the paranoia, the baseless accusations and crazy mood swings wasn't worth it. She would try to play the victim role all the time to control me. That's why its a red flag. I don't know if she was really abused or not, but I do know it was a club and by telling me about it, she told me she was going to use that club. And when I refuse to sit there and get clubbed and dropped her, she accused me of being abusive and saying that I abandon people and I'm heartless. After a month she tried to come back, but I just didn't want to be bothered as I had moved on.
I dated a chic who told me she was abused after about a month of dating. She was great in the sack, open to doing any and everything. But the paranoia, the baseless accusations and crazy mood swings wasn't worth it. She would try to play the victim role all the time to control me. That's why its a red flag. I don't know if she was really abused or not, but I do know it was a club and by telling me about it, she told me she was going to use that club. And when I refuse to sit there and get clubbed and dropped her, she accused me of being abusive and saying that I abandon people and I'm heartless. After a month she tried to come back, but I just didn't want to be bothered as I had moved on.
"She Wants a Man, Not a Boy"
You asked her if she wanted to grab coffee. Then you asked if the time worked. Then you asked if the place was okay. Then you asked if she'd prefer tea.
Four questions. Four chances for her to say no. Four signals that you're terrified of making a decision.
Plan it. Pick the place. Pick the time. Tell her where to meet you. She'll either show up or she won't.
Either way, you look like a man instead of a scared little boy.
jophil28
Master Don Juan
Many of us have written here about our experiences with "abused" women.piday314 said:
Search the board for the BPD threads and the "Daddy issues" horror stories for some light bedtime reading.
squirrels
Master Don Juan
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The first relationship a person is exposed to often dictates how they come to seem themselves in a relationship and their expectations. If a girl is used to being abused by her father, then be careful of her trying to subtly work you into the same role.
It comes down to, "how CONSCIOUS is she?". Most people are victims, not survivors.
It comes down to, "how CONSCIOUS is she?". Most people are victims, not survivors.
Scaramouche
Master Don Juan
Dear Payday,
Sadly Forget about her,she will be damaged goods and will end up hurting you and all around you.
Sadly Forget about her,she will be damaged goods and will end up hurting you and all around you.
"How I Made Sure No Woman Ever Friend-Zoned Me Again"
She calls you when her car breaks down. When she needs help moving. When some guy she's actually dating treats her badly.
You're the listener. The reliable one. The guy who would treat her so much better, if she'd just open her eyes.
She won't. You trained her to see you as the low-effort option — the friend who requires zero risk and zero investment. Every favor dug the hole deeper.
The "22 Rules" break the pattern. You'll stop auditioning for a role she already cast and become the man she chases instead. It starts with Rule 1.
~Vortex~
Don Juan
You could try to heal her yourself; she does not have to know about this. My healing skills have quite vanished after being in the hospital for half a year, but I'll give it a try anyway.
1. Fill Her Mind With Truthful & Beautiful Images, that heal perfectionist and messed up thinking.
Bring it up so it sounds normal and everyday, like have a normal conversation.
... Hmmm... I'm thinking of stuff but nothing is coming to mind. piday314, could you describe this girl to me and tell me if you noticed any emotional and psychological scars on her? Perhaps I can think of some healing ideas for her personally.
2. Make Love To Her Like A Man.
While having sex, say stuff like, "I love your soul" "You drive my crazy" "Ï want to be close to you, inside of you", "you are the only one".
Man... I can't come up with anything else. I'm in a bad state really
1. Fill Her Mind With Truthful & Beautiful Images, that heal perfectionist and messed up thinking.
Bring it up so it sounds normal and everyday, like have a normal conversation.
... Hmmm... I'm thinking of stuff but nothing is coming to mind. piday314, could you describe this girl to me and tell me if you noticed any emotional and psychological scars on her? Perhaps I can think of some healing ideas for her personally.
2. Make Love To Her Like A Man.
While having sex, say stuff like, "I love your soul" "You drive my crazy" "Ï want to be close to you, inside of you", "you are the only one".
Man... I can't come up with anything else. I'm in a bad state really
backbreaker
Master Don Juan
I didn't have an abusive father, but I didn't have a very good one lol. I go to counseling weekly now because of the **** I have been through growing up./ And for the most part, I like tot hink I'm a well adjusted young man.
I don't think you can just throw a blanket over every woman that has dad issues. I think you must take each case by case, and by that I don't mean, i will make a special exception for this girl, but I mean sit back and rationaly judge her behaviors and actions and try your best to determine if this is someone who is in your life.
I mean let's keep it real, if you were to do that, in this day and age, you are dismissing about half of the women population. My oneitis has big time daddy issues and while, she's just not my type, she's a very well adjusted young woman, from that standpoint at least. Her being a gold digger has nothing to do with her daddy issues lol. Her daddy issues were so bad that when her mother would go out of town for work, she would come sleep in my extra bed room. This went on even when I had a live in GF.
I will say, that her coming out and telling you she was abused however is a red flag. I don't talk about my dad, at all. He is persona non grata in my house hold. Most people who, have gotten threw something usually don't want to go back and visit it, or if they do as least as possible. I don't like people who flaunt abuse or a bad upbringing.
Even if you did bring it up, which you didn't, I get asked about my dad all the time. Doesn't mean I must lay it all out there for the world to see. It is what it is.
I don't think you can just throw a blanket over every woman that has dad issues. I think you must take each case by case, and by that I don't mean, i will make a special exception for this girl, but I mean sit back and rationaly judge her behaviors and actions and try your best to determine if this is someone who is in your life.
I mean let's keep it real, if you were to do that, in this day and age, you are dismissing about half of the women population. My oneitis has big time daddy issues and while, she's just not my type, she's a very well adjusted young woman, from that standpoint at least. Her being a gold digger has nothing to do with her daddy issues lol. Her daddy issues were so bad that when her mother would go out of town for work, she would come sleep in my extra bed room. This went on even when I had a live in GF.
I will say, that her coming out and telling you she was abused however is a red flag. I don't talk about my dad, at all. He is persona non grata in my house hold. Most people who, have gotten threw something usually don't want to go back and visit it, or if they do as least as possible. I don't like people who flaunt abuse or a bad upbringing.
Even if you did bring it up, which you didn't, I get asked about my dad all the time. Doesn't mean I must lay it all out there for the world to see. It is what it is.
Die Hard
Master Don Juan
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This is someone who you've "recently been talking to" and already you're considering giving her "a chance with your heart"?
This clearly shows 'neediness', a lack of control over your feelings and a tendency to become emotionally dependant very fast... That's a sure way to get hurt by women in general, let alone a dangerous woman like this. If you don't let it float but instead, decide to escalate, you will get 'emotionally raped'...
But I have a feeling it won't matter what anyone here tells you, you'll escalate anyway. We'll be here to help you get through the terrible aftermath...
This clearly shows 'neediness', a lack of control over your feelings and a tendency to become emotionally dependant very fast... That's a sure way to get hurt by women in general, let alone a dangerous woman like this. If you don't let it float but instead, decide to escalate, you will get 'emotionally raped'...
But I have a feeling it won't matter what anyone here tells you, you'll escalate anyway. We'll be here to help you get through the terrible aftermath...
Colossus
Master Don Juan
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Not unless you're an idiot. I gave my heart to a girl who was seriously abused by a past bf....it's a tangled trap you're getting into. Ultimately YOU will be the one walking away with wounds.piday314 said:
Listen, people dont just "get over" this stuff unless they are deliberate and intentional about it. Most need professional help. Dont fall into the trap that so many other guys have of trying to be her white knight and thinking your love will change her. It wont. Fair warning.
backbreaker
Master Don Juan
I agree with your last part. While I do consider myself well adjusted.. My biggest issue with me is that I just flat out refused to open up to anyone, under any circumstances, I don't trust people. It's taken me a few years to be able to get to the point where when I don't like something I just don't shut down and go home lol, That was my self made, defense mechanism.. A few years. it takes years, to unprogram years of bad programming.Colossus said:
"You'll Never Feel READY to Walk Over"
Next Monday you'll feel more confident. After the gym you'll feel more confident. After one more drink you'll feel more confident. After you get a better haircut, a better jacket, a better job.
You've been "getting ready" for two years.
She's standing ten feet away right now. She'll be gone in four minutes. No amount of preparation will manufacture the courage that only comes from moving your feet.
Walk over. Stumble through the first sentence. Let it be clumsy. Let it be imperfect. You will feel more alive in those ten seconds than you have all month.