Having your house in order before a relationship?

[TheCWord]

I'm noticing a pattern and not sure if it's a good one.

I get into dating relationships with a lot of women. They'll last on average 2-3 months and sometimes they go as long as 5 or 6. Ultimately, I don't make myself available for a LTR. I either have to end things before they start heading in that direction or the girl picks up on the fact and will vanish on her own.

It's not that I'm not interested in something long term. Quite the contrary, I think it sounds great and I'd like that companionship very much. But my career just isn't where I want it right now. It's a lot better than where it was. I'm not starving or anything and I have a nice apartment, but I still have to be cautious with money while simultaneously fighting and crawling for every inch of advancement in my career. I work in a tough industry.

It's dangerously close to pedestalization, but there's a part of me that feels that I just wouldn't make a good boyfriend right now. When work isn't steady, my confidence drops BIG TIME. This makes me less fun with girls I am currently dating and makes it tougher to approach new women because I feel my value is low.

I see posts on here about unemployed guys who live with their parents having good relationships with a strong frame. I can't get there. It's not that I necessarily want to be a "provider," as I tend to date smart, independent working women, but when my career's not in order I don't feel like a man and don't feel like I can be in an LTR. It's probably the fact that I'm attracted to successful women that doesn't help - I can't be with someone if I'm going to feel smaller than them.

Anyway, that's a little rambly, but has anyone on here been able to keep their confidence up, pick up women and go LTR with them, before they had their career settled?

 

[backbreaker]

I feel where you are coming from and I'm from the same ilk.


Think about it like this. Women and kids tend to flatline career advancement.

To guys that really aren't all that ambitious.. not even broke.. say a guy works for the goverment, say he's.. a probation officer. just throwing out something. not much advancement for that. very early he's going to be able to have a relationship and a job and do both because he doesn't have to take his work home for the most part.


But for people like you and I that's just not going to happen. You place a lot of self worth in your job and your job is not where it wants to be. you aren't going to be happy until you are in a better place, regardless of what anyone says, and you dont' want to seriously date until you are happy by yourself.

it sucks sometimes. seeing guys living at home with "awesome relationships", i've been there before. But it pays off. Beucase in the end you will be happy becuase you did what you wanted to do

 

[Atom Smasher]

I a woman's mind, ambition = money & security.

You need to develop a credible (hopefully truth-based) story regarding your ambitions and plans for the future. Make it sound like you know exactly where you're going and how you're getting there, even if you aren't really sure.

Armed with that story you will counteract your current state of affairs. Try it.. you'll see what I mean. Women definitely equate stated ambition with actual achievement.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Think about it like this. Women and kids tend to flatline career advancement.

Very true.

I find that when I'm in any kind of serious relationship, no matter how I try or what I tell myself I notice my business ambitions suffer. That's a good way to put it... I flatline.

This phenomenon has become increasingly troublesome to me as I've been becoming aware of it, and so far I'm at a loss to explain it and to defeat it.

I strongly feel that women weaken me overall, and I'd give almost anything for a solution to this.

 

[backbreaker]

AS,

I usually agree with you but i have to vigorously disagree with that statement.


I've stated this before, women don't know what true ambition looks like.

See, when you tell a woman that you are ambitious and driven, she has a picture in her head what ambition looks like.

See a woman imagines that the ambitious guy is the guy in the nice suit at starbucks drinking a 10 dollar latte on his macbook pro talking to clients on his iphone. \


A guy that is truely ambitious, will put off some things that will make him attractive to women, to get his house in order first. Stylish clothes, the iphone, the nice house, etc. I can tell a woman all day long what i plan on doing and how i plan on getting there and she's just not going to be attracted to me.

I went 3 years without dating, while trying to date half of it when i started my company years ago. Ambition my ass. I worked my ass to the bone and women basically laughed at me. Then when i got my **** together girls would tell me all the time "I love the fact that you are ambitious" , no **** you loved the fact that I WAS ambitious lol. you like the fact that i'm picking you up in a luxury car you don't give 2 ****s about my ambition.

any girl that uses the word ambition to me is auto toss because i know she's ufll of ****.

if you cant' tell i'm still scared behind that **** lol.

in the world of 2014 comsumerism and high tech toys, 10 dollar lattes and the like women do not know what true ambition looks like anymore.

 

[TheCWord]

I a woman's mind, ambition = money & security.

I've actually had a different experience from you, backbreaker, and see Atom's point. The last serious relationship I had was in my early 20s. When she broke up with me after three years she said it was because when we started dating I was so ambitious and driven, but then nothing came of it. That part's on me, I knew what I wanted but had no clue how to get it, got lazy, depressed, and eventually she concluded that all my talk of the things I was going to do and the things I was going to be would never amount to anything more than talk.

So women can be attracted to an ambitious man with a plan, but you better actually be putting that plan into action if you hope to keep her.

Thanks, Atom. Will think about that one.

 

[JaegerPilot217]

I'm noticing a pattern and not sure if it's a good one.

I get into dating relationships with a lot of women. They'll last on average 2-3 months and sometimes they go as long as 5 or 6. Ultimately, I don't make myself available for a LTR. I either have to end things before they start heading in that direction or the girl picks up on the fact and will vanish on her own.

It's not that I'm not interested in something long term. Quite the contrary, I think it sounds great and I'd like that companionship very much. But my career just isn't where I want it right now. It's a lot better than where it was. I'm not starving or anything and I have a nice apartment, but I still have to be cautious with money while simultaneously fighting and crawling for every inch of advancement in my career. I work in a tough industry.

It's dangerously close to pedestalization, but there's a part of me that feels that I just wouldn't make a good boyfriend right now. When work isn't steady, my confidence drops BIG TIME. This makes me less fun with girls I am currently dating and makes it tougher to approach new women because I feel my value is low.

I see posts on here about unemployed guys who live with their parents having good relationships with a strong frame. I can't get there. It's not that I necessarily want to be a "provider," as I tend to date smart, independent working women, but when my career's not in order I don't feel like a man and don't feel like I can be in an LTR. It's probably the fact that I'm attracted to successful women that doesn't help - I can't be with someone if I'm going to feel smaller than them.

Anyway, that's a little rambly, but has anyone on here been able to keep their confidence up, pick up women and go LTR with them, before they had their career settled?

Guys unemploymed and living at home and have amazing relationships, girlfriends? Wow, insliring

 

[Atom Smasher]

See, when you tell a woman that you are ambitious and driven, she has a picture in her head what ambition looks like.

You never TELL a woman you are ambitious and driven. You demonstrate that inner core through conversation. Never verbalize; always demonstrate. Always imply covertly.

You simply passionately communicate what your ambitions are, what's going through your head about your future.

Her little brain will automatically do the conversions for you and will equate ambition with achievement. Women live in the land of unicorns and rainbows and if there is initial attraction they WANT to rationalize that you're a success. In the land of unicorns and rainbows ambition=success. They will believe it until proven otherwise.

This is actually a well-known principle and I tried it when I was starting out with amazing success.

 

[Knight's Cross]

Good Topic C Word,
I've found it's demonstrate, don't explicate.
1. Let a woman see by your actions who you are.
2. Less is more. Let her discover who you are.
3. Appearance is everything
4. Once in relationship, it is incumbent on you to stay the same course as you had before. If she's not down with that.... well she will, ''Flatline" your progress. That's what I've seen, is guys that become, what they think their chicks want. That's just stupid, the same guy she fell for is what she wants. If she tells you she wants something different, well tell her to go find it.

I do hear what you are saying, when you are climbing the ladder, your confidence rises and falls. Even that out with weights, sports, hobbies...something to put you back in frame. Cause when you are around women you want to be the life of the party. If you can't do that, then yes, you may need to take a break from dating. You shouldn't have to, but if career is really taking a dive then best course is to focus on it till it's headed in the right direction.

My 2 cents,

KC

 

[JaegerPilot217]

I've always felt like I stopped growing as an individual when I'm in relationships. The problem is that all you think about when you're single is getting into a relationship or spinning plates

Dan Bacon of the Modern Man sums it up perfectly in the beginning, its very difficult to focus on everything else in life if you are not getting laid or don't have a woman in your life:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qed9e9oy-w

 

[TheCWord]

I do hear what you are saying, when you are climbing the ladder, your confidence rises and falls. Even that out with weights, sports, hobbies...something to put you back in frame. Cause when you are around women you want to be the life of the party. If you can't do that, then yes, you may need to take a break from dating. You shouldn't have to, but if career is really taking a dive then best course is to focus on it till it's headed in the right direction.

This is really helpful, KC. I do have to do a better job of getting out more. My social circle is incredibly small so I have to find the motivation to venture out on my own and find activities I like to do: slow pitch softball, maybe a pub trivia league, etc.

 

[In2theGame]

Very interesting coming across this thread as I was just thinking about this today. I have noticed that when women come into the picture, at least for me,... I start losing focus on my Business and my financial discipline suffers. Its difficult to balance because on one hand you want to be successful for yourself with your career and/or Business but on the other hand as a Man you would like to have female companionship at some point.

 

[backbreaker]

See, when you tell a woman that you are ambitious and driven, she has a picture in her head what ambition looks like.

You never TELL a woman you are ambitious and driven. You demonstrate that inner core through conversation. Never verbalize; always demonstrate. Always imply covertly.

You simply passionately communicate what your ambitions are, what's going through your head about your future.

Her little brain will automatically do the conversions for you and will equate ambition with achievement. Women live in the land of unicorns and rainbows and if there is initial attraction they WANT to rationalize that you're a success. In the land of unicorns and rainbows ambition=success. They will believe it until proven otherwise.

This is actually a well-known principle and I tried it when I was starting out with amazing success.

I'll admit that this is the one area that I think being African American hurt me... i couldn't get away with being ambitious. i had to have **** in order before I was able to pull like I pull now. Sad but it is what it is.

 

[JaegerPilot217]

See, when you tell a woman that you are ambitious and driven, she has a picture in her head what ambition looks like.

I'll admit that this is the one area that I think being African American hurt me... i couldn't get away with being ambitious. i had to have **** in order before I was able to pull like I pull now. Sad but it is what it is.

it is what it is

 

[sodbuster]

When I'm going without, it pizzes me off and focuses me on ME...business, exercise etc.... I do WAY better financially single. Sex calms me down...almost too much

 

[Colossus]

I think at some point you reach a point of self-acceptance and actualization where your internal 'motor' is going to keep driving you forward no matter if there is a woman in your life or not. And with women (the better ones), it's not so much WHAT you are doing, it's WHERE you are going.

My gf tells me that one of the things she loves most about me is I am constantly trying to improve my life and my situation. Yeah, I have a good degree and a good career, but I don't love it, and I honestly love my hobbies and free time more. The thing is, I am always into something, and when I'm into something I want to optimize and become a relative 'expert'.

I think most women just appreciate a man who is forward-thinking and has a plan. I remember when I was in college gunning for med school, I barely had 2 nickels to rub together but I dated some women who were well ahead of me academically and career-wise. They didn't really care where I was at, it was more that I had a clear plan and was going to implement it with or without them. At least that is what I communicated to them indirectly.

But you will run across girls who will judge you harshly for where you are actually at in life, and fair or not, it does happen and you should not waste another second with them. Don't EVER apologize for your state in life. They can choose to be with you and they can choose to leave.

I saw a good quote the other day:

A woman's loyalty is tested when her man has nothing; a man's loyalty is tested when he has everything.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear CWord,
You have lots of time,just eat your Cake and have it too...Let things flow!

 

[backbreaker]

I think at some point you reach a point of self-acceptance and actualization where your internal 'motor' is going to keep driving you forward no matter if there is a woman in your life or not. And with women (the better ones), it's not so much WHAT you are doing, it's WHERE you are going.

My gf tells me that one of the things she loves most about me is I am constantly trying to improve my life and my situation. Yeah, I have a good degree and a good career, but I don't love it, and I honestly love my hobbies and free time more. The thing is, I am always into something, and when I'm into something I want to optimize and become a relative 'expert'.

I think most women just appreciate a man who is forward-thinking and has a plan. I remember when I was in college gunning for med school, I barely had 2 nickels to rub together but I dated some women who were well ahead of me academically and career-wise. They didn't really care where I was at, it was more that I had a clear plan and was going to implement it with or without them. At least that is what I communicated to them indirectly.



But you will run across girls who will judge you harshly for where you are actually at in life, and fair or not, it does happen and you should not waste another second with them. Don't EVER apologize for your state in life. They can choose to be with you and they can choose to leave.

I saw a good quote the other day:

A woman's loyalty is tested when her man has nothing; a man's loyalty is tested when he has everything.

I'll be 100% honest. this just isn't my experience iwth women. i either have NONE or I have htem 2 blocks around the corner. and when they are 2 blocks around the corner it's becuase i'm in the gym, i'm dressed nice, and i have "all the exterior ****" working for me. but when i was busy.. i dont' know.. making a life for myself and my future kids lol, sot hat i could go tot he gym everyday and eat right and drive a nice car and all that good ****, no one gave a ****.

i'm sure that there are women that do get off on a man's passion and ambition. i'm not saying you're lying. i'm saying, i've never encountered any lol. i've never in my live had a woman be interested in me because of my ambition. but i've had plenty women want to date me once my ambition started to pay off. it's kinda a sore spot for me. oh well



my wife and i had a good talk about this one day after we got married, actually on our honeymoon. the real reason it took me so long to propose to her was not because i didn't know i was in love.. i basically held it against her for liking me lol. . it sounds sick but it's true. i had some issues lol. it was like i blamed her for the **** i went through earlier in my life and that's not fair to her.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

I a woman's mind, ambition = money & security.

You need to develop a credible (hopefully truth-based) story regarding your ambitions and plans for the future. Make it sound like you know exactly where you're going and how you're getting there, even if you aren't really sure.

Armed with that story you will counteract your current state of affairs. Try it.. you'll see what I mean. Women definitely equate stated ambition with actual achievement.

Absolutely. And furthermore:

You never TELL a woman you are ambitious and driven. You demonstrate that inner core through conversation. Never verbalize; always demonstrate. Always imply covertly.

You simply passionately communicate what your ambitions are, what's going through your head about your future.

Her little brain will automatically do the conversions for you and will equate ambition with achievement. Women live in the land of unicorns and rainbows and if there is initial attraction they WANT to rationalize that you're a success. In the land of unicorns and rainbows ambition=success. They will believe it until proven otherwise.

This is actually a well-known principle and I tried it when I was starting out with amazing success.

Luckily, you don't have to "fake" any of this. Just choose some REAL ambitions that YOU really, really really want.

Create what Napoleon Hill called a "Burning Desire," even if it's TOTALLY vague.

Just build it up in your own mind, according to your own desires, and it will naturally bleed out through your conversations here and there, and as Atom Smasher pointed out, she'll fill in the blanks.

In fact, this will make you MORE attractive than a guy who's ALREADY outwardly successful. She sees a successful guy, assumes he's had plenty of women, and then will wonder how she'll compare.

On the other hand, she hears you talking about your future, she'll self generate that female "ground floor opportunity" feeling in her tummy where she gets to imagine what you and she will create together....

I remember once I was about a week before I was going to be unemployed, and I was driving with this HOT girl that I hadn't started dating yet, and I took her through a really rich part of town, and started telling her my big dreams for the future (that I was kind of making up based on some half baked ideas I DID have for my future). I didn't say anything about US, but even though she was engaged to her 8 year boyfriend, we started banging hot and heavy shortly thereafter. (Didn't last long, but man oh man)

NEVER underestimate the power of the "ground floor opportunity" feeling that you can create in a woman....

 

[JaegerPilot217]

Ya sounds like their are guys who don't make much money but are amazing with women, love the sound of that