Having "the talk" (breaking up with her)

[MaddXMan]

I need my balls reattached. I'm not feeling it anymore with my current gf and I want to be single again. But thinking about telling her has me choking on anxiety.

We were together 3 years. She lived with me the last year, that went horribly - she moved back out.

She wants things to be like when we were dating. I don't want that.

It didn't work as she was much younger than me. That's a whole 'nother story. Let's just say lesson learned.

If I do tell her that I want to break up she will go psycho on me and I so much don't want that drama......

 

[Desdinova]

If I do tell her that I want to break up she will go psycho on me and I so much don't want that drama....

You're going to get a reaction regardless. You may get sadness, indifference, anger, desperation, who knows. But you'll get something.

You just gotta do it. Fix it in your mind that the relationship is over, and end it. Convince yourself that it's not worth continuing due to (whatever reason). Then tell her that it's not working out between the two of you and you think that the both of you should move on. Don't elaborate on the issues. There's no point in bringing relationship issues into discussion if the relationship is over.

You just need to end it and move on. Ending things is part of life.

 

[jophil28]

Rehearse, in your head, what you want to say and be wiiling to say what you need to when you are cool and calm.
Do not compile a list of her defects and toss that at her for justification.
Instead just give her a short speech about how you see your future.
Meet her in a public place, say what you have rehearsed, and just walk away.

She is going to be hurt- rejection stings. I have never know anyone who was dumped who was not.

Oh, please don't tell her how you and she can be "friends" - it is almost an insult on top of rejection.

Good luck.

 

[Kailex]

The shorter you make this, the better overall it'll be.
The less chance you'll give HER to try to react or even convince you to stay.

And NEVER, EVER live with a woman unless you are going to marry her, it's an Iron Rule of Tomassi.

But please, for the love of anything holy, don't play the "Make HER break up with ME" game. Don't waste away days of your life pulling away and hoping she'll get fed up and dump you.

Just go somewhere public, tell her what you need to say, and get out of there.

 

[backbreaker]

i usually just do something and make her break up with me.

 

[MaddXMan]

Well I went to her place tonight. Her AC was broken and it was like a hundred degrees in her apt. I suggested we go to a bar and have a cold drink.

The talk didn't happen.

And it's a good thing. We went back to her apt and I said I was going to leave. And my car wouldn't start. So I was back up knocking on her door at 1:00am asking to borrow her car to drive to a 24 hour Wal Mart and buy a battery.

I mean could you image if I had broken up with her, then minutes later was back asking umm can I borrow your car, please?

FFUUUUUCCCC............!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate this.

 

[jophil28]

Well I went to her place tonight. Her AC was broken and it was like a hundred degrees in her apt. I suggested we go to a bar and have a cold drink.

The talk didn't happen.

And it's a good thing. We went back to her apt and I said I was going to leave. And my car wouldn't start. So I was back up knocking on her door at 1:00am asking to borrow her car to drive to a 24 hour Wal Mart and buy a battery.

I mean could you image if I had broken up with her, then minutes later was back asking umm can I borrow your car, please?

FFUUUUUCCCC............!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate this.

Dummy!

You only ever breakup with a woman under any, or all of these conditions-

1) She drives over to your place with take-out ,then you tell her the bad news. I cannot break a woman's heart on an empty stomach.That's just wrong.
2) Her auto club is paid up so that if she cannot start her car later on her way home, all cryin' and such, you can stay locked inside your place while she calls for a roadside assist from her cell.
3) IF you break up at her place , make sure that YOUR battery is good -have it tested in the day before.
4) As a final precaution, if you are going to dump her at her house, have a buddy pick you up from her place at a pre-arranged time, say around 10pm. That eliminates the transport problem and it almost guarantess that you will start "the talk" at about 9:45 pm.

It's planning , gentlemen. Freakin' planning ...

 

[LeftyLoosey]

Dummy!

You only ever breakup with a woman under any, or all of these conditions-

1) She drives over to your place with take-out ,then you tell her the bad news. I cannot break a woman's heart on an empty stomach.That's just wrong.
2) Her auto club is paid up so that if she cannot start her car later on her way home, all cryin' and such, you can stay locked inside your place while she calls for a roadside assist from her cell.
3) IF you break up at her place , make sure that YOUR battery is good -have it tested in the day before.
4) As a final precaution, if you are going to dump her at her house, have a buddy pick you up from her place at a pre-arranged time, say around 10pm. That eliminates the transport problem and it almost guarantess that you will start "the talk" at about 9:45 pm.

It's planning , gentlemen. Freakin' planning ...

LMAO

 

[MaddXMan]

The talk last night didn't go well - she was mad (defense mechanism) so I left. Today my phone was blowing up with angry text messages then went silent for awhile. Then I get this simple "I still love you, please don't leave me."

This is tearing me up - last night I felt a sense of relief at starting the conversation but also felt very alone and lonely.

I will say this: In no way shape or form is this relationship good for me.

But all guys say "I don't want to hurt her" - well in my case I really mean that. I've played captain save a ho and she came to rely on my support and affection - rely on it on the way one would rely on their parents to always have their back.

I've always avoided confrontation of any aspect.....anxiety from telling her has turned into anxiety over resisting her hurt pleading......I would rather she be mad.

 

[mrRuckus]

Dummy!

You only ever breakup with a woman under any, or all of these conditions-

1) She drives over to your place with take-out ,then you tell her the bad news. I cannot break a woman's heart on an empty stomach.That's just wrong.

Don't be silly. She needs an empty stomach because she's going to be pounding gallons of ice cream very soon.

 

[L B]

Better you end it swiftly like this than dragging it on and on and wasting both yours and her life.

 

[women haze]

Honesty is the best policy in any break up. if you do not love her anymore...Just say it. Don't even have to be a speech just roll out. Let her be angry it's a defense mechanism....nobody wants to feel rejected and dumped.

 

[jophil28]

Don't be silly. She needs an empty stomach because she's going to be pounding gallons of ice cream very soon.

I meant MY stomach -:crackup:

 

[MaddXMan]

I get a text from her a few minutes ago: "I'm mad, I might do something stupid."

That's great.

 

[Desdinova]

I get a text from her a few minutes ago: "I'm mad, I might do something stupid."

...and out comes the bucket of ice cream.

Don't respond. She's looking for attention from you

 

[Kailex]

I get a text from her a few minutes ago: "I'm mad, I might do something stupid."

That's great.

IGNORE IT.
Let her do something stupid. Her life isn't YOUR responsibility. She's old enough to make her own decisions.

It's a HUGE call for attention. She just wants you to drop everything you are doing and come to her rescue... and then she'll keep doing it again, and again, and again until you get tired of it and realize the pattern.

I wouldn't even bother replying to it.

I bet those text messages dwindle down in a while or once she finds a new man. If the situation was reversed, and she had dumped you and YOU had said:

I'm mad. I might do something stupid.


She'd probably show it to her girlfriends and they'd all have a good laugh at your expense.

 

[MaddXMan]

What should I do if I go home tonight and she is there, or shows up, wanting to talk, yell or argue?

She still has a key.

Also we have a cell phone plan together, which she has not paid half of as agreed for the last 2 months - this is when we were "together".

I know she is going to stiff me for this month as well.

****ing Verizon wants $175 to cancel a line. She is not going to pay it, I'm sure.

The cell phone bill is the the only thing we have jointly, her name is not on anything else.

 

[Kailex]

Brother, I just realized your age is 42.

Do you have some money stashed away? If you do, start paying to have those locks changed and pay out that phone bill and get a new phone. I'd rather pay a few hundred bucks to get someone like that out of my life immediately.

Did you actually OFFICIALLY break up with her by now?

If so, you should have already set these wheels in motion a while ago.
Whenever a "key" or a "cell phone plan" is in question, you should be thinking about this BEFORE you break up so you're not caught off-guard with situations like these.

I can't tell you what to do if she's there... because I've never faced this situation myself. I've never "given" the key to my apartment to anyone in order to avoid this very situation.

I'd love to say that if you see her car, to not go into your apartment, but it is YOUR apartment and you shouldn't have to hide from anyone.

 

[Reyaj]

Reading this whole thread really makes me think about my relationship.

MaddXman I empathize with a lot of what you are going through. I am not 100% convinced that I want to break up with my gf... we are going to have a talk soon which will help make my decision a lot clearer, I hope anyway.

Fwiw, the pain I know she'd feel if I break up with her is the hardest thing for me to bear. When you truly care for someone this is normal and humane.

 

[MaddXMan]

Brother, I just realized your age is 42.

Do you have some money stashed away? If you do, start paying to have those locks changed and pay out that phone bill and get a new phone. I'd rather pay a few hundred bucks to get someone like that out of my life immediately.

Did you actually OFFICIALLY break up with her by now?

If so, you should have already set these wheels in motion a while ago.
Whenever a "key" or a "cell phone plan" is in question, you should be thinking about this BEFORE you break up so you're not caught off-guard with situations like these.

I can't tell you what to do if she's there... because I've never faced this situation myself. I've never "given" the key to my apartment to anyone in order to avoid this very situation.

I'd love to say that if you see her car, to not go into your apartment, but it is YOUR apartment and you shouldn't have to hide from anyone.

Yes it's been made official.

She lived with me for a year and only moved out 6 weeks ago, she has a key to my house.

Money stashed away? Only a little. I'm only 2 months into a 3 year plan to get my finances in order.

What I have been, and will continue to be through this, is polite but firm.

I'll get the key back and get her off my phone plan eventually.