Having Second thoughts about my decision (no contact/breakup)

[returningchamp]

This isn't a case of typical non-contact where the woman broke up with me. I think I might have done everything wrong.

So, I've been dating this woman for a little while now; boyfriend/girlfriend etc. She's cool, witty, sexual, and has good feminine values (thinks the woman should take care of woman things and man should take care of man things, and agrees with gender roles, etc). Mostly everything is perfect except she constantly flakes on me. She'll offer to come see me one night, then after I agree - she'll text me later and come up with some excuse.

And it's just been getting out of control. It's probably been happening on about a 60/40 scale (60% she comes through; 40% she cancels).

She has a son, who's 8 and he is her most common excuse. "Can't find a sitter." or "Sitter canceled on me again." My hands are tied with this excuse because it could be legit or any number of other possiblities. And I've told her I'm not comfortable meeting her son yet, so going over her place is not a possiblity.


Anyway, this is where I'm probably an @sshole. I start to recognize that part of the reason she's flaking is because I'm not really punishing her for it and I keep falling for it. I realize that I haven't set good boundaries, etc. And I start getting pissed at myself.

On monday, after she did this again. I decided to go no contact on her. Yes, I went no contact without breaking up first.

The first day, she sent me 5 texts; the second day she called and sent about 7 texts; the third day she send 2 more texts. Then her friend text me (I guess she gave her friend my #), and when I texted her back to ask who she was - the gig was up.


So I finally responded to her and it looked like this:

"Ok. Listen, when we first started dating, I told you the only issue I had with you having a kid is in my experience single mothers are hard to plan things with. You told me that was not a problem I'd experience with you. Now, we see that it is. I want my girl available, I want my girl ready to be ****ed hard the minutes the lips touch, and I don't want excuse after excuse. Sorry... But you haven't been that girl... And I don't think you can be... Best we move on."

Her response: WTF?
2nd response: OK!!!

About 2 hours later her friend texts me again:

"I just spent the last hour on the phone with her and she can't even speak she's crying so hard." and "All she's done over the last 2 months is talk about what a wonderful man she's found. And she smiles everytime she thinks of you."


This sucks... I feel like crap... But the flaking thing can't be overlooked right? I guess my biggest thing is - I know I could have done this better. And I wanted to leave the door open for her to fix her problem. And for whatever reason - I end up sending her a breakup text! On top of that it's not a text that leaves the door open!

Like I want to text her today and apologize for being so harsh and tell her that if she can figure out a way to fix this problem - then I might come back. That's the kind of text I meant to sent (originally), but got caught up in the moment and ended up sending one that makes that very hard. Now I feel like if i sent a text being all soft, it would be passive aggresive.

I hate this ****.

 

[PlayHer Man]

Never let things build up with women. That's your main mistake. You have to nip this sh!t in the bud. If you got this angry.. you were holding things in.

After a few flakes you should of simply told her to STOP IT. You should of told her that if she can't stick to plans then she will just be demoted to f*ck buddy and you will start seeing other women who are more reliable.

THEN.. if the flaking continues, I would drop her.

It seems she wasn't aware she was p!ssing you off. I almost never side with chicks, but this girl doesn't seem like she was intentionally being an a*shole.

However.. if you gave her warnings before and she didn't change then you are 100% right.

If you really want to keep f*cking her just contact her and say: "Hey babe.. I f*cked up." She might come back or she might not. Doesn't matter. Spin plates.

 

[mikey2012]

Dump her. Do what your gut says.

 

[Maximus Rex]

Taken from http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=97081&page=9.

13) Scheduling and Logistical Problems

Chicks will use this as an excuse to get out of date with you or they may legitimately can't find a baby sitter. Either case it isn't your problem. By avoiding single mothers you effectively eliminate to excuse from ever being used.

Stop dating single mothers.

 

[returningchamp]

Never let things build up with women. That's your main mistake. You have to nip this sh!t in the bud. If you got this angry.. you were holding things in.

After a few flakes you should of simply told her to STOP IT. You should of told her that if she can't stick to plans then she will just be demoted to f*ck buddy and you will start seeing other women who are more reliable.

THEN.. if the flaking continues, I would drop her.

It seems she wasn't aware she was p!ssing you off. I almost never side with chicks, but this girl doesn't seem like she was intentionally being an a*shole.

However.. if you gave her warnings before and she didn't change then you are 100% right.

If you really want to keep f*cking her just contact her and say: "Hey babe.. I f*cked up." She might come back or she might not. Doesn't matter. Spin plates.

Yeah, I only told her in the beginning that I didn't normally date single mothers because they often were hard to deal with on the scheduling front. And there's only one other time when I said anything about the flaking. I told her "Don't schedule anymore dates with me unless you're sure you have a babysitter." But she continued to do it and i continued to let her without showing i cared. So yeah, she wasn't aware that she was pissing me off. I hid it. I've done this a lot. I tend to hide anger if a woman is doing something. I guess I do it because I don't want them to think they're affecting me.

I need to work on that, because it's obviously the wrong frame.

Taken from http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=97081&page=9.

13) Scheduling and Logistical Problems

Chicks will use this as an excuse to get out of date with you or they may legitimately can't find a baby sitter. Either case it isn't your problem. By avoiding single mothers you effectively eliminate to excuse from ever being used.

Stop dating single mothers.

Good read, although this is the only problem off that list that I encountered with her so far, but those other would probably one day be relevant as well.

And it's right... When she uses that excuse it does make you figure out if she can't find a sitter or found something else to do or just didn't feel like going out anymore. It's much less confusing when a single woman comes up with an excuse.

 

[usernamedox11]

IMO, you handled it the wrong way. Should've told her the flaking would be a problem for you once you noticed it happening, and if it didn't change, you then leave her. Poor communication on your part. Telling women your expectations at the start isn't enough. Sometimes you have to reinforce what you expect from the relationship through your actions over the course of the relationship until they get it, and if it doesn't look like they will, leave. And that's only if you think the girl might be one of those rare keepers. Otherwise, don't get into a relationship with the girl.

In your breakup text you said, "I want my girl ready to be ****ed hard the minutes the lips touch," and it is something that she will laugh about with her friends once she "rationalizes" that everything was your fault with her friends.

Best to be as vague as possible when you are gonna break up and to only break up when you truly feel it is the best solution.

EDIT

IMO, if you like fvcking her, get back with her. Sounds like she'd go back to you in a second. Single mothers don't have as many options when it comes to LTRs. She'll know not to flake anymore. And once she starts flaking again, it means she's lost interest. That'll probably happen because she might already in the back of her mind think you're needy. When it does, breakup with her. But remember you're with her temporarily in order to fvck her and have some fun. I wouldn't think anything longterm with her, especially considering the child.

 

[adam225]

Taken from http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=97081&page=9.

13) Scheduling and Logistical Problems

Chicks will use this as an excuse to get out of date with you or they may legitimately can't find a baby sitter. Either case it isn't your problem. By avoiding single mothers you effectively eliminate to excuse from ever being used.

Stop dating single mothers.

That thread was brilliant. I try to preach that sh1t about them all the time. It's just ashame some of my friends can't see past the tip of their c0ck.

 

[returningchamp]

IMO, you handled it the wrong way. Should've told her the flaking would be a problem for you once you noticed it happening, and if it didn't change, you then leave her. Poor communication on your part. Telling women your expectations at the start isn't enough. Sometimes you have to reinforce what you expect from the relationship through your actions over the course of the relationship until they get it, and if it doesn't look like they will, leave. And that's only if you think the girl might be one of those rare keepers. Otherwise, don't get into a relationship with the girl.

In your breakup text you said, "I want my girl ready to be ****ed hard the minutes the lips touch," and it is something that she will laugh about with her friends once she "rationalizes" that everything was your fault with her friends.

Best to be as vague as possible when you are gonna break up and to only break up when you truly feel it is the best solution.

EDIT

IMO, if you like fvcking her, get back with her. Sounds like she'd go back to you in a second. Single mothers don't have as many options when it comes to LTRs. She'll know not to flake anymore. And once she starts flaking again, it means she's lost interest. That'll probably happen because she might already in the back of her mind think you're needy. When it does, breakup with her. But remember you're with her temporarily in order to fvck her and have some fun. I wouldn't think anything longterm with her, especially considering the child.

The "want a girl ready to **** the minute the lips touch" part was actually a dig into her that I'm sure she gets (again unnecessary harshness). Over the last couple of weeks she's been trying to tell me she wants more "loving" sex with me. Which I think is just a ploy to soften me up, especially since I'm not just an all out monster with her in bed; I give her romantic moments.

I think I'm going to give it a couple days before considering sending her anything that looks like an apology. I know she's working today and her boss is her best friend; the same girl who messaged me; so im sure I'm getting destroyed right now. I'll let that die down a bit and think hard before reengaging.

That thread was brilliant. I try to preach that sh1t about them all the time. It's just ashame some of my friends can't see past the tip of their c0ck.

While they all may be true. I've dated a few women with kids and there are a few reasons it's not so bad (well, I have 2 main ones).

1) They tend to be a lot more affectionate and sexual.
2) They tend to be more trustworthy (as far as fvcking other men, etc) primiarly because they live much less active lives and have far fewer options.

 

[Maximus Rex]

While they all may be true. I've dated a few women with kids and there are a few reasons it's not so bad (well, I have 2 main ones).

1) They tend to be a lot more affectionate and sexual.
2) They tend to be more trustworthy (as far as fvcking other men, etc) primiarly because they live much less active lives and have far fewer options.

So you're telling ole Rex that these same qualities are not to be found childless women? Come on dude. You're willing to look pass their inability to find a suitable father for their children. Inability to protect themselves against unwarranted pregnancies, and overall lack of responsibility and judgment due to this perceived notion that they're "more affectionate, sexual, and TRUSTWORTHY? GTFOH!

If you tell a chick that one of the things your require of a girlfriend is for her to "affectionate," and "sexual," if she's liking you, guess what she's going to be, affectionate and sexual.

As far as that trustworthy sh*t? You can't be f*cking serious, dude. Let's see how "trusting," she if her baby's daddy decides he wants to get back with her.

 

[NewJack]

This sucks... I feel like crap... But the flaking thing can't be overlooked right? I guess my biggest thing is - I know I could have done this better. And I wanted to leave the door open for her to fix her problem. And for whatever reason - I end up sending her a breakup text! On top of that it's not a text that leaves the door open!

Hey another alternative URL that redirects to SoSuave is DropClassyUltimatumsAndThenDisappear.net.

You did good at dropping ultimatums. But giving another person an ultimatum is a skill that takes some honing. You have to be able to push the right buttons, etc. etc.

Keep working at it. Just find a bunch more girls who you like as much as this one (piece of cake), and from those find the ones that like you just as much (piece of cake), and then just keep giving all of them ultimatums for all their behavioral issues until you find one to shack up with. As you burn through them, you can post field reports!

 

[Bokanovsky]

Anyway, this is where I'm probably an @sshole. I start to recognize that part of the reason she's flaking is because I'm not really punishing her for it and I keep falling for it. I realize that I haven't set good boundaries, etc. And I start getting pissed at myself.

You are not an @sshole; you're just clueless. You've been on this site for 7(!!!) years and you still have not internalized the basics. You should have dumped that b!tch when she first started flaking on a consistent basis. Actually, forget that. You should have never made her your girlfriend in the first place. SINGLE MOMS ARE NOT RELATIONSHIP MATERIAL. They are for pump 'n dump only.

"I just spent the last hour on the phone with her and she can't even speak she's crying so hard." and "All she's done over the last 2 months is talk about what a wonderful man she's found. And she smiles everytime she thinks of you."

Are you really dumb enough to actually believe that tripe?? You should change your name to returningchump. Man oh man, 7 years on sosuave and still so f*cking naive...

 

[Maximus Rex]

This sucks... I feel like crap... But the flaking thing can't be overlooked right? I guess my biggest thing is - I know I could have done this better. And I wanted to leave the door open for her to fix her problem. And for whatever reason - I end up sending her a breakup text! On top of that it's not a text that leaves the door open!

Like I want to text her today and apologize for being so harsh and tell her that if she can figure out a way to fix this problem - then I might come back. That's the kind of text I meant to sent (originally), but got caught up in the moment and ended up sending one that makes that very hard. Now I feel like if i sent a text being all soft, it would be passive aggresive. I hate this ****.

Watch this clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0jJfhRyBiMI

 

[returningchamp]

So you're telling ole Rex that these same qualities are not to be found childless women?

Of course you can find it in childless women. I'm just saying overall - they have been towards me on a more consistent bases than single women. I'm no professional milf dater; I've only dated 4. But all 4 of them were those things. I believe it's simply because they have far fewer options on things/people to do. So laying around the house all day snuggling and fvcking works for them. A good majority of single woman will grow tired of that much faster because they get bored of that (again, this is just been in my limited experience with milfs and I've never had to deal with their babies dads or ex husbands coming back either).

I DO go after single women too. And I don't really think this thread needs to turn into a "to date single moms or not" thread. I know most guys don't think it's a good idea.

But most of them also don't have experience dating them. And... I and my limited experience haven't experienced much damage from dating single mothers. Far less nonsense than dating single women....

I'll also tell you this: My step-dad raised me and my sisters as if we were his own. And my mom treated him like a king, and to this day (at 60+) they have what resembles a very healthy relationship. He also had his own kids, and we were like a Brady Bunch. But it worked...

Are you really dumb enough to actually believe that tripe?? You should change your name to returningchump. Man oh man, 7 years on sosuave and still so f*cking naive...

I don't feel bad for her because of what her friend said. I don't feel like im an @sshole for not leading. Both of those things that you quoted, are because I felt like my response to her was harsh.

I don't think you or anyone can sit here and tell me that her friend was being dishonest or honest. I don't think it's that important. Even without that element of the story - I recognized that I was an @ss in my response. My response to her was childish and my anger was out of no where. I set poor boundaries in this relationship. That my bad.

 

[bukowski_merit]

I'm not going to get caught up in the whole single mother thing. Women are women.

But this caught my eye.

Over the last couple of weeks she's been trying to tell me she wants more "loving" sex with me. Which I think is just a ploy to soften me up,

You're partially right.

I suspect that she's trying to have you make love to her instead of rough her up in bed because she does not see you as the lover any longer (someone else could be filling this role.)

DAS on "Lover vs. Provider" It's very important for a woman to be able to put you in one of those categories.

She was most likely very into you starting out, but the more you put up with her BS - the more respect she loses for you subconsciously. This doesn't make her lose interest in you; it switches the way she sees her interest towards you. You are safe, reliable, and willing to put up with her BS.

I'm guessing you have wild/rough sex with her? This at one time (when she had more respect for you) matched up with the way she saw you.

She doesn't see you as that guy anymore, and everything she does from here on will be to get your confirmation that you are fitting into the role she has in her head. That of a man willing to take care of her and her kids.

Maybe what you did last night isn't as bad as you think. But everything you were doing before that is much worse than you think.

There's no harm in sending her a text in saying you were too harsh last night, BUT don't expect it to do anything other than clear your own conscious (I suspect you expect it to do more than that.)