Why "Whatever You Want" Keeps You Single
She says the movie looks dumb; you suddenly agree. She tests you with a little attitude; you apologize for nothing.
You think you're being easy to get along with. She reads something else entirely: a man with no edges. Nothing to hold on to. No friction, no tension, no reason to wonder what he really thinks.
The "22 Rules" taught me to push back — playfully, calmly, without needing her approval. Strange things happened after that.
Has anyone hear overcome painful shyness / social anxiety?
- Thread starter soopafly4eva
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"The Coffee Shop Girl You Never Spoke To"
You've replayed it a hundred times. She stood three feet away, scrolling her phone. You had an opening. You composed the perfect line — after she was gone.
For all you know, she's married now. To some guy who said something. Anything.
Openers are cheap. Almost any sentence works when it's delivered within three seconds. The expensive part is the standing there, drafting and deleting, while the window quietly closes.
The "22 Rules" stripped out my hesitation. What to open with, how to keep it alive, and the one habit that costs guys more women than anything else: waiting for perfect.
I'm in the same position as the original poster.
A few months ago I was in a situation where I was very stressed out, and a doctor wanted me to go on Xanax and Prozac. It was crazy to even consider going on that stuff. I need self confidence; not a magic pill to cover up my problems. Actually...a magic self confidence pill would be fvcking awesome.
As its said over and over on here the key is finding something you like and excelling at it. Confidence will come and you'll open up.
I use to be scared that no one would like me..I am still scared that certain people won't like me. Just remember that there are 6 billion people on Earth; a hell of a lot won't like you, a hell of a lot will. Out of that 6 billion, there are more than 3 billion vagin....err...women.
A few months ago I was in a situation where I was very stressed out, and a doctor wanted me to go on Xanax and Prozac. It was crazy to even consider going on that stuff. I need self confidence; not a magic pill to cover up my problems. Actually...a magic self confidence pill would be fvcking awesome.
As its said over and over on here the key is finding something you like and excelling at it. Confidence will come and you'll open up.
I use to be scared that no one would like me..I am still scared that certain people won't like me. Just remember that there are 6 billion people on Earth; a hell of a lot won't like you, a hell of a lot will. Out of that 6 billion, there are more than 3 billion vagin....err...women.
Hence networking within the class.
But better yet in my Intermediate public speaking course, one of the classes offered was Developing one on one rapport. (It was slated more towards a sales call).
However, with peer review/critique , suggestions were made on how to develop your techniques..
Go figure!!!!
The Edge 'Some have it, and some don't'
I have struggled with anxiety issues ever since childhood, although i didn't recognize them as such until recently.
It is an enlightening experience to learn that what you thought was an incurable personality trait is actually something that is a learned response and can be changed.
The funny thing is, once I get the ball rolling socially I have few problems. But it takes me too long to get back on the horse when I go through changes , so to speak.
Unfortunately my self esteem seems to be tied in to my business successes to a large degree. I have noticed that in the past when I felt a strong sense of accomplishment EVERYTHING I wanted seemed to flow to me. I had the Midas touch.
Just recently my business and investments have begun to take off. I have noticed a marked decrease in social anxiety that directly corresponds with this. Just the other night I was outside of a club when a cab pulled up with like 6 hot girls. One of them called me over. In the past most instances being put in the spotlight like this would have caused me to freeze up. Not this time...I was cool as a cucumber.
I could even go so far as to say I have lately experienced apathy towards social interaction, which is pretty much the opposite of anxiety. The fact that I now understand what afflicts me could also have served to impact me in a positive way as well. Who knows...progress is all that matters.
It is an enlightening experience to learn that what you thought was an incurable personality trait is actually something that is a learned response and can be changed.
The funny thing is, once I get the ball rolling socially I have few problems. But it takes me too long to get back on the horse when I go through changes , so to speak.
Unfortunately my self esteem seems to be tied in to my business successes to a large degree. I have noticed that in the past when I felt a strong sense of accomplishment EVERYTHING I wanted seemed to flow to me. I had the Midas touch.
Just recently my business and investments have begun to take off. I have noticed a marked decrease in social anxiety that directly corresponds with this. Just the other night I was outside of a club when a cab pulled up with like 6 hot girls. One of them called me over. In the past most instances being put in the spotlight like this would have caused me to freeze up. Not this time...I was cool as a cucumber.
I could even go so far as to say I have lately experienced apathy towards social interaction, which is pretty much the opposite of anxiety. The fact that I now understand what afflicts me could also have served to impact me in a positive way as well. Who knows...progress is all that matters.
I shy when I first got into highschool. But I really changed in grade 11 cause I felt the need.
If your in high school, try getting a job. It really helps. It opens your eyes to the real world. It'll expose you to many more intersting personaltities: both coworkers and customers, strangers in general, that highschool doens't have. It'll make you a man. You won't give a **** bout the people that you think are too cool. In fact, after working and making my own money, many people seemed inferior to me because they were so childish and immature.
After my first job, I was more confident than anything. I could talk to anyone at school or even strangers on the street.
Read what you can here, that also helps.
If your in high school, try getting a job. It really helps. It opens your eyes to the real world. It'll expose you to many more intersting personaltities: both coworkers and customers, strangers in general, that highschool doens't have. It'll make you a man. You won't give a **** bout the people that you think are too cool. In fact, after working and making my own money, many people seemed inferior to me because they were so childish and immature.
After my first job, I was more confident than anything. I could talk to anyone at school or even strangers on the street.
Read what you can here, that also helps.
"The Coffee Shop Girl You Never Spoke To"
You've replayed it a hundred times. She stood three feet away, scrolling her phone. You had an opening. You composed the perfect line — after she was gone.
For all you know, she's married now. To some guy who said something. Anything.
Openers are cheap. Almost any sentence works when it's delivered within three seconds. The expensive part is the standing there, drafting and deleting, while the window quietly closes.
The "22 Rules" stripped out my hesitation. What to open with, how to keep it alive, and the one habit that costs guys more women than anything else: waiting for perfect.
SoSuave.com
Administrator
Moved to The Archive.
yes
i think i have. i was afraid people about 4-5 years ago. now i educate people and i have to connect to beauties every day
can't say that i'm not afraid at all but much less. i joke more (started to study humor basics lately) and i can take certainly more BS from people without taking it too seriously, i just turn it around. i can make demands and stay by them. generally my job helped alot :box:
i think i have. i was afraid people about 4-5 years ago. now i educate people and i have to connect to beauties every day
can't say that i'm not afraid at all but much less. i joke more (started to study humor basics lately) and i can take certainly more BS from people without taking it too seriously, i just turn it around. i can make demands and stay by them. generally my job helped alot :box:PrettyBoyA
Don Juan
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In my first year of school when I was 4 years old, I was so shy that I didn't talk for half the year. The teachers thought I was mute (seriously.) That's how shy I was.
I went to an all boys school from 4th grade to graduation, so when I actually started to care about getting girls, I had none around me. I remember a friend asked me to come out on a regular outing in 8th grade and he brought some girls. I couldn't even say a single word. Not even hi. The girls asked what was wrong with me, my friends told them I was extremely shy.
I found the community in my last year of high school. I read the DJ bible, I changed my look, I went to the gym, I started socializing. I kept evaluating myself, trying to figure out how to become more of an alpha male.
Fast forward 4 years, I hang with club DJ's (as in music.. not DJ as in Don Juan), clubbing event organizers. I have slept with 9 girls this year alone (not to toot my own horn. toot.). I am a VIP at the clubs I regularly go to.
People call me out to parties and events. I tell girls I used to be shy and they do not believe me.
I am no longer a nerd pretending to be a cool guy. I have actually become cool.
Before I couldn't even talk in public. Now it's my job. I am an advertising account manager, I pitch ideas to clients. My job consists mainly of oral presentations to prospective clients.
The biggest thing of all that got me there was realizing there was no shortcut or magic pill. It was just gruelling social experience. I just kept putting myself out there. Constantly pushing my comfort zone.
The best cure for social anxiety is simply to push your comfort limits.
I went to an all boys school from 4th grade to graduation, so when I actually started to care about getting girls, I had none around me. I remember a friend asked me to come out on a regular outing in 8th grade and he brought some girls. I couldn't even say a single word. Not even hi. The girls asked what was wrong with me, my friends told them I was extremely shy.
I found the community in my last year of high school. I read the DJ bible, I changed my look, I went to the gym, I started socializing. I kept evaluating myself, trying to figure out how to become more of an alpha male.
Fast forward 4 years, I hang with club DJ's (as in music.. not DJ as in Don Juan), clubbing event organizers. I have slept with 9 girls this year alone (not to toot my own horn. toot.). I am a VIP at the clubs I regularly go to.
People call me out to parties and events. I tell girls I used to be shy and they do not believe me.
I am no longer a nerd pretending to be a cool guy. I have actually become cool.
Before I couldn't even talk in public. Now it's my job. I am an advertising account manager, I pitch ideas to clients. My job consists mainly of oral presentations to prospective clients.
The biggest thing of all that got me there was realizing there was no shortcut or magic pill. It was just gruelling social experience. I just kept putting myself out there. Constantly pushing my comfort zone.
The best cure for social anxiety is simply to push your comfort limits.
"You'll Never Feel READY to Walk Over"
Next Monday you'll feel more confident. After the gym you'll feel more confident. After one more drink you'll feel more confident. After you get a better haircut, a better jacket, a better job.
You've been "getting ready" for two years.
She's standing ten feet away right now. She'll be gone in four minutes. No amount of preparation will manufacture the courage that only comes from moving your feet.
Walk over. Stumble through the first sentence. Let it be clumsy. Let it be imperfect. You will feel more alive in those ten seconds than you have all month.
sorry for this long post.
i consider myself a case similar but different to most of the people here. I was always outgoing when i was a kid but at the same time shy. i always got into ALOT of fights in social activities and school. It got to the point where by 8th grade i had atleast 1 suspension a year from school and even got expelled once. They weren't all fight, some were harassing girls and others were pranks on other students but still i got into alot of trouble and everyone always knew me. I had a few girlfriends but went afc and lost them or i lost interest and cut off contact because i didn't want to hurt their feelings by telling them to their face. I rarely ever did any school work and although not the biggest kid, people knew if they messed with me they would get hurt even if i didn't win. I was always taught as a kid, "if u want to make it a point to not get picked on let everyone know that if anyone has the balls to start trouble with you...even if you lose, you let them know that the fight comes at a price and they will not get off scottfree." I never backed down from any fight but i always never picked on kids either.
When i got to highschool, i realized something. I wasn't the schooling type, and people don't get anywhere without a college degree.... all i do is start trouble and get in trouble. where am i going if i keep heading down this path?? i realized i was going to become a nobody without a future if i kept at what i was doing. from then on i made it a point to not get in trouble anymore. i avoided all people that i knew i would not like and i avoided any un-neccessary fights when i could walk away. before i threw any punch i always pushed back first as a warning and none of those leading to any fights. i stopped talking to people in general, went to school and class. did some hw and only got suspended once. had no real gf's in highschool but did have my first kiss. I was still playful but to a lesser extent and never went out of my way to do funny things.
i use to be considered a class clown. brought porn magazine in to class for a friend in 5th grade and got caught. while walking in crowded halls i would take a friends hand and slam it against a unknown girls ass then duck off to the side while the crowd was still moving. The girl would then look at them. I would pull out chairs, flip bookbags inside out, flirt and lead girls on.
i almost got suspended to pretend to touch a girls boobs when someone accidentally popped a bag of chips all over her shirt and i offered to clean it up.
i'm a very straightforward blunt yet nice guy. I've made promises that i've kept and i value that. even though i always fit in with the popular kids, i never let their peer pressure get me into drugs. i promised my 6th grade teacher i would never do drugs and i haven't till this day.
My friend calls me a weird case since he knew me when i was younger until now. He said he's never seen someone go from outgoing to shy. I still don't get intimidated by ppl nor do i find it hard to hold conversations. I just don't want to talk to people because i find that alot of people bring drama into my life that i don't need.
i'm very judgemental and my friends value my judgement alot. when i look at someone i can tell by their facial features, tone of voice, the way they walk, etc if they are generally a nice person or not. If not then i tell them i don't know and i need more time. but i brush off alot of people and just walk away because i don't feel like i need to talk to them.
when i try to talk to these people its awkward because its like forcing myself to do something i don't want to.
i consider myself a case similar but different to most of the people here. I was always outgoing when i was a kid but at the same time shy. i always got into ALOT of fights in social activities and school. It got to the point where by 8th grade i had atleast 1 suspension a year from school and even got expelled once. They weren't all fight, some were harassing girls and others were pranks on other students but still i got into alot of trouble and everyone always knew me. I had a few girlfriends but went afc and lost them or i lost interest and cut off contact because i didn't want to hurt their feelings by telling them to their face. I rarely ever did any school work and although not the biggest kid, people knew if they messed with me they would get hurt even if i didn't win. I was always taught as a kid, "if u want to make it a point to not get picked on let everyone know that if anyone has the balls to start trouble with you...even if you lose, you let them know that the fight comes at a price and they will not get off scottfree." I never backed down from any fight but i always never picked on kids either.
When i got to highschool, i realized something. I wasn't the schooling type, and people don't get anywhere without a college degree.... all i do is start trouble and get in trouble. where am i going if i keep heading down this path?? i realized i was going to become a nobody without a future if i kept at what i was doing. from then on i made it a point to not get in trouble anymore. i avoided all people that i knew i would not like and i avoided any un-neccessary fights when i could walk away. before i threw any punch i always pushed back first as a warning and none of those leading to any fights. i stopped talking to people in general, went to school and class. did some hw and only got suspended once. had no real gf's in highschool but did have my first kiss. I was still playful but to a lesser extent and never went out of my way to do funny things.
i use to be considered a class clown. brought porn magazine in to class for a friend in 5th grade and got caught. while walking in crowded halls i would take a friends hand and slam it against a unknown girls ass then duck off to the side while the crowd was still moving. The girl would then look at them. I would pull out chairs, flip bookbags inside out, flirt and lead girls on.
i almost got suspended to pretend to touch a girls boobs when someone accidentally popped a bag of chips all over her shirt and i offered to clean it up.
i'm a very straightforward blunt yet nice guy. I've made promises that i've kept and i value that. even though i always fit in with the popular kids, i never let their peer pressure get me into drugs. i promised my 6th grade teacher i would never do drugs and i haven't till this day.
My friend calls me a weird case since he knew me when i was younger until now. He said he's never seen someone go from outgoing to shy. I still don't get intimidated by ppl nor do i find it hard to hold conversations. I just don't want to talk to people because i find that alot of people bring drama into my life that i don't need.
i'm very judgemental and my friends value my judgement alot. when i look at someone i can tell by their facial features, tone of voice, the way they walk, etc if they are generally a nice person or not. If not then i tell them i don't know and i need more time. but i brush off alot of people and just walk away because i don't feel like i need to talk to them.
when i try to talk to these people its awkward because its like forcing myself to do something i don't want to.
IndianaJoneS
Don Juan
If you masturbate, completely stop it and then observe your behaviour and feelings while interacting with other people (after 2,5,7,10,14,20 days). For me it´s a BIG difference from not beeing recognized to entertainer of the group. Maybe it helps..
suaveplayer
Don Juan
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placebo effect? lol ^^^
we've discussed it
we've discussed it
Jadedjester
New Member
ok, social anxiety means nice guy?
bigpoppa650
Don Juan
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Dude to be brutally honest you are totally missing the point. You are who you are straight up, some people talk and talk and talk and others keep quiet, however don't see one as being better or worse than the other. Seriously I used to beat myself up too when I'd be in a social situation and I wouldn't say anything. I had that inner self talk that I should be saying something then I'd get even more paranoid. HOwever I have learned that that is just who I am: I observe rather than state, and now I am completely fine with that. I say talk only when you really feel passionate about something otherwise just observe how people behave...if you wanna be more outgoing hang out with outgoing people and observe what is it that makes them outgoing. Don't feel pressured to act a certain way or feel that you MUST ask questions or give opinions, just focus on things you like.
"I just moved here from Florida."
That sentence contains at least five follow-up questions she WANTS you to ask. Where in Florida? What brought you here? How long have you been in the area? What do you miss? How does it compare to here?
She handed them to you on a silver platter. And you said, "Oh cool. I come here every week. I love this band. Ummm... pretty crowded tonight."
She smiled politely. Nodded. And never texted you back.
I was that guy for years. Talking too much. Listening too little. Panicking about my next sentence while she was literally feeding me the answers.
Then I found 22 rules that fixed the whole thing. Rule number one: shut up and listen. She'll tell you exactly what to say.
bigpoppa650
Don Juan
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word up on that too. Cut that out for a few months and then you will feel much better mentally...
bigpoppa650
Don Juan
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word up on that too. job is great. My job at safeway elevated my life in a way. things that used to make me feel umcomfortable didnt. PrettyBOYA pretty much nailed it on the head, just gotta go out there and experience it. So take it so and don't beat yourself up. Plus, do things you wanna do in terms of a job or sports. For me I really fell in love with boxing and I am looking to become an EMT, fo sho
what prettyboyA said
i basically overcame it by pushing my comfort limit
first time i tried to talk to a girl freshman/sophomore year... it was really awkward but then i kept doing it talking to different girls and it was hard and awkward as **** but the more i did it the more higher up i would move and would even be able to talk to popular people who i thought were unapproachable before (due to them being popular and me not) and as i moved higher up in overcoming my social anxiety i found all the previous people all easy to talk and now i can strike a conversation with people in the hallways i don't even know. girls also now initiate conversations with me if they see me or whatever. junior year i pretty much overcame my social anxiety senior year i mastered it
i basically overcame it by pushing my comfort limit
first time i tried to talk to a girl freshman/sophomore year... it was really awkward but then i kept doing it talking to different girls and it was hard and awkward as **** but the more i did it the more higher up i would move and would even be able to talk to popular people who i thought were unapproachable before (due to them being popular and me not) and as i moved higher up in overcoming my social anxiety i found all the previous people all easy to talk and now i can strike a conversation with people in the hallways i don't even know. girls also now initiate conversations with me if they see me or whatever. junior year i pretty much overcame my social anxiety senior year i mastered it
I overcame my shyness by working out. It helped me gain more energy and a side effect was I lost some weight which gave me a confidence boost.
Than I met up with friends for lunch one day at the mall and they told me a lot of girls were checking me out as they walked by. My friends pretty much made me approach a girl and talk to her. She was nervous and it clicked in my head she was as scared as I was. I opened with the line "I don't bite." with a smile on my face and she laughed and then "What did you do at the mall today?" or some line like that and it went from there.
Than I met up with friends for lunch one day at the mall and they told me a lot of girls were checking me out as they walked by. My friends pretty much made me approach a girl and talk to her. She was nervous and it clicked in my head she was as scared as I was. I opened with the line "I don't bite." with a smile on my face and she laughed and then "What did you do at the mall today?" or some line like that and it went from there.
I was once painfully shy. As a kid, I didn't have many friends. As a teenager in HS, I spent lunches in the library doing homework (no sports, no activities) and my free time playing videogames.
In college, I decided I had enough and wanted to be more socially developed. So I just forced myself to go out and talk to people. I started out by just talking to cashiers, waiters/waitresses, classmates etc...basically anyone and everyone.
Now in my late 20's I'm much more socially outgoing.
The first step is to make a concious decision to put aside fear and and just go out an do it.
In college, I decided I had enough and wanted to be more socially developed. So I just forced myself to go out and talk to people. I started out by just talking to cashiers, waiters/waitresses, classmates etc...basically anyone and everyone.
Now in my late 20's I'm much more socially outgoing.
The first step is to make a concious decision to put aside fear and and just go out an do it.
"She Wants a Man, Not a Boy"
You asked her if she wanted to grab coffee. Then you asked if the time worked. Then you asked if the place was okay. Then you asked if she'd prefer tea.
Four questions. Four chances for her to say no. Four signals that you're terrified of making a decision.
Plan it. Pick the place. Pick the time. Tell her where to meet you. She'll either show up or she won't.
Either way, you look like a man instead of a scared little boy.