Handling your girl flirting

[SamMalone]

The main problem, for me at least, is not the girl flirting. It's the guy taking it the wrong way and having it turn into a big situation, all because she needed to flirt. It's like they do it without realizing there may be consequences.

 

[Blue Phoenix]

Guys it all boils down to HOW MUCH and HOW OFTEN she flirts around. What I posted were extreme cases.

Girls who flirt a little it´s no biggie. There are cases where the guy is overly jealous and goes overboard. It´s always good to have a third person in this situation to see the bigger picture.

 

[Blue Phoenix]

On Professional Daters

IS SHE DATING ME JUST BECAUSE SHE HAS NOTHING ELSE TO DO?

Hi Doc,

My name is Jack. I'm 42 years old and I own a large luxury car dealership. Even though I’ve been quite successful in my career, I’ve experienced a lot of confusion with women for many years.

But since I started using your "System" in January, I’ve had three times as many dates so far this year than I had for the entire year before. I’ve learned how and when to ask a woman for her home phone number and I know how to weed out the ones who give out their number but have no intention of actually going out with me.

The problem I’m encountering now is that a lot of these women who do go out with me, but ultimately won’t even kiss me, even though they keep accepting dates with me. I’ve been following your rules about keeping things light and keeping them laughing. I let the woman do all the touching. I don’t tell her how much I like her and all that. I’m a total gentleman and I also maintain a sense of mystery and Challenge just as you say to do. I’ve come a long way.

But I am completely baffled by these girls. They touch me, they compliment me, they tell me outright what a great time they have with me and they talk about doing things together on more dates in the future. But when I make my move for a simple nice kiss, and I usually wait until the third or fourth date to go for it, they turn their head away, or they give me a quick peck and then start talking or they just give me a hug instead. Even after they refuse to kiss me, they still accept more dates with me. But they never do let me kiss them, even when we spend more time together. (I’ve been laboring under the assumption that a lot of them are probably shy and just need more time, but now I’m starting to believe that that’s not accurate at all.)

I will tell you that there is one new woman whom I’ve just started dating who gave me a long, deep, wet kiss right off the bat on our first date. Boy was that delightful and refreshing!

So what’s with all these other girls? Why are they spending so much time with me if they don’t even want to kiss me? They know that I’m romantically interested in them, or I wouldn’t be asking them out. So then why do they keep accepting dates with me? Why do they let me pay for everything and do all the planning and all the driving and everything when they obviously have no interest in me? Is that right? Is that fair? Do other guys go through this too? And how can I screen out these phonies and strokers before I spend all this time and money on them? Jack - who is ticked off

Hi Jack,

You are not alone. Every day I receive much e-mail complaining of the exact same thing that you’ve been experiencing. In fact, I’d have to say that what we have in the current dating world is an epidemic of phony female flirt-itis.

Every night, across America, tens of thousands of women are out on dates with men whom they have absolutely no romantic interest in or physical attraction to. These women are already 100% clear that they have no intention of ever even exploring the possibility of a relationship with the poor sap they’ve chosen as their target. Each one, all consumed with her own narcissistic agenda, has no concern whatsoever that she is misleading her victim, let alone possibly hurting his feelings. Toying with a man’s emotions is a form of recreation for her.

If you’re a long time reader, you know that I call this type of woman: The Professional Dater. And, yes Jack, the way she behaves isn’t right. And it isn’t fair either, but it is a reality that all single guys must learn to deal with, unless you are in a band.

So just what is The Professional Dater’s secret agenda? Let me to clarify this for everyone. Her agenda is: To enjoy as many social, recreational and culinary opportunities as she can, with no strings attached, while she bides her time, looking for the ‘real’ Mr. Right. In her self-centered universe, her inner dialogue goes something like this: "While I’m attending that exclusive Grammy party with Mr. Chump, I just might meet a celebrity." Or, "while I’m dining at the nicest restaurant in town with Mr. Loser, at least I’ll be able to enjoy another Lobster dinner this week instead of having to stay home and watch re-runs of Sex in the City while I eat reheated pasta with my cat. And besides, attention from an undesirable male is better than no male attention at all."

The more beautiful the Professional Dater is, the higher her standards will be. But there are thousands of women out there who would rate no more than a 5 or a 6 but who are still full-on predatory Professional Daters. They enjoy getting free dinners at Sizzler and a complimentary movie ticket, courtesy of Mr. Clueless.

Well versed in the subtleties of manipulation, the Professional Dater knows that her victim will not continue to lavish his attention and generosity upon her if she doesn’t give him a sense of hope and possibility. So, she’s a master at leading him on, without having to even approach the first stages of intimacy. (For her, the idea of actually even kissing her mark, ranges somewhere from between mildly distasteful to outright repulsive.)

The Professional Dater has trained herself to exhibit all the buying signals of the woman with authentic high Interest level. She touches the guy a lot. She tells him how special he is. She thanks him profusely for the lovely evening she had. She even makes very subtle, ambiguous hints about the possibility of furthering the relationship in the future.

So how do you screen out this viscous siren? How do avoid being played like a Stradivarius? How do you call her bluff and flush out this emotional vampire? Are you ready guys? Listen up! Here it is. The antidote to this stroker’s spell:

In order to determine whether or not your potential relationship partner is a Professional Dater, you must make sure that you do not end your first date with her without going for a nice, sweet, long lingering kiss. And if you get anything less from her, go home, rip up her phone number and flush it down the toilet.

To some, this suggestion may sound too harsh, too inflexible. Let me tell you guys: Any girl who really likes you, who is romantically interested in you, will be more than pleased to lay a big wet one on you by the end of the first date. Why wouldn’t she if she likes you? Even a very shy girl who has high Interest Level will respond enthusiastically. Only a woman with low Interest Level wouldn’t lip lock with you after a three and a half-hour long first date. (And who would want to be with her?)

To others, this suggestion may sound simplistic. Like basic common sense. Well, that’s what it is. It’s a simple but profound way to quickly determine where you stand and avoid more dates with the same woman that will wind up going nowhere. Let’s say it another way. There’s no such thing as a woman with high Interest Level who would penalize you for going for a nice kiss at the end of the first date.

Jack, the bad news is that the reason that these women aren’t responding, even though you’re doing everything right, is that they never really liked you to begin with. But the good news is that you can stop them in their tracks if you don’t wait until the third or fourth date to make your move. Go for that kiss and bottom-line the woman’s Interest Level by the end of the first date. And simply do not go out again with any woman who fails to respond enthusiastically to your overtures. Stick with the girl who gave you a great kiss on the first date, and look for more like her if you need to.

 

[Blue Phoenix]

Who is this woman who engenders such rage and frustration? As you long-time readers know, I call her the Professional Dater (PD). The PD is a woman who accepts and goes out on dates with men she has no romantic interest in whatsoever.

She enjoys the all-expenses-paid night out on the town with door-to-door car service. She enjoys being wined and dined. She enjoys getting attention and compliments from yet another male suitor. She delights in the feeling of being wanted by various guys who will do anything to get close to her (like a stripper who really feeds off her job.)

And... she's a self-centered, self-serving user who's only showing up for her own pleasure and entertainment. She has no regard for the feelings of any of the men she exploits. She's morally and ethically corrupt. She's a real pro. But because the PD has such finely honed flirting skills, it's darn near impossible to tell that you have one of these deceitful divas on your hands until you've spent three or four hours with her. Fortunately, by using my principles, you can weed her out by the end of one date. Normally it might take you three or four dates, or even more before you finally discover that you have a PD on your hands.

 

[drak_ool]

there's really two issues that the OP is asking: first, how much flirting is too much flirting? Second, how to react to "too much" flirting, which has already been covered extensively.

Building on what Jophile said, there are a few ways of flirting that are pretty mild and should not really bother you. Building on a point that I raised a few months ago, good girls in LTR have a speical way of communicating that they are taken. So I would only worry if your girl is giving off an "I'm available" vibe to the guys who are flirting with her. This brings up another question: is she the one initiating the flirting, or is she just responding to other guys? Don't forget, though, that it is YOU who is setting the frame for your relationship. Once you've made it clear what sort of flirting you're comfortable with, and what sort you're not, if the girl crosses the line she is disrespecting you.

So in your situation, you made it clear that you're not cool with what she did and yet she's still denying doing anything wrong, presumably leaving the door open for her to do it again and again. This is the point where I would start thinking about nexting the girl, not just because of the flirting, but the general disrespect she is showing you.