Handling and deterring disrespect.

[Chronocidal]

What are effective, clean, lawful ways to punish people who show disrespect, and to preventively deter such behavior?

 

[5string]

Easy. Just don't interact with them at all. That's punishment in and of itself.

 

[Chronocidal]

Easy. Just don't interact with them at all. That's punishment in and of itself.

Unfortunately no, people in my culture don't see it as being a punishment, and such a course of action provides no deterrent for future disrespects.

 

[5string]

Unfortunately no, people in my culture don't see it as being a punishment, and such a course of action provides no deterrent for future disrespects.

Interesting. Maybe you could elaborate a bit more. I just figure if you have nothing to do with someone, they can't disrespect you, unless maybe to other people behind your back or something of that nature.

 

[Chronocidal]

Interesting. Maybe you could elaborate a bit more. I just figure if you have nothing to do with someone, they can't disrespect you, unless maybe to other people behind your back or something of that nature.

You're right, I shouldn't have been so vague. I wanted to keep it more general (rather than a matter of "how to I punish people for one specific problem"), but it's clear that that's not been helpful on my part.

The major issues there are that:
1. One doesn't always have the choice not to have anything to do with them.
2. Even if one does, passively walking away won't make the next individual think twice before duplicating the first individual's action (which is exactly the nature of the problem).

If you're asking specifically about the incidents, a recent issue was a few different people (in separate incidents) standing me up at night school. I want to learn how to punish people who cross the boundaries (preferably making an example out of them in the process), and how to naturally project a presence that would naturally command respect and deter disrespect.

Merely passively walking away from them as you recommend will not deter the next person from trying the same trick with me, and won't make the ones who did so suffer for their transgressions.

 

[5string]

OK. Let's assume it's a chick who stands you up. Most guys on here would tell you go no contact. Many times, they will try to contact you to validate their actions after they disrespect you. By not communicating with them, you are basically telling them "You had your chance. Now you have proven you are not worth my time". That speaks volumes.

As far as men go, it's a different story. Not long ago, I was at a cafe with my wife. I went to the restroom, came back, and here is some guy hitting on my wife. He turned and looked at me. We locked eyes and I asked him what he was doing. He gave me this goofy look and said "talking to yer girfriend". I still have my eyes locked on him the whole time. I said "that's not my girlfriend, she's my wife". Now this guy had me by about 40 lbs and probably ten years. I just gave him the ol stink eye and said "you need to take off chump". Can't remember my exact words. Anyway, despite being bigger and younger, he read me loud and clear. He was about to step over the line and he could tell that I was not about to put up with it. So, he took off. HE KNEW what was about to happen if he pushed any further. Someone on here once said "fear the man who fears no other".

So, maybe one of the answers here is to have, or develop a presence about yourself that deters others from disrespecting you. Interesting topic.

 

[Chronocidal]

OK. Let's assume it's a chick who stands you up. Most guys on here would tell you go no contact. Many times, they will try to contact you to validate their actions after they disrespect you.

One of them was a chick, the others were not, but no such thing happened either way. No contact wasn't an option, as I saw each the next session.

HE KNEW what was about to happen if he pushed any further.

What was it that was about to happen?

So, maybe one of the answers here is to have, or develop a presence about yourself that deters others from disrespecting you. Interesting topic.

Which was exactly what I was asking, as I wrote in my previous post...

...and how to naturally project a presence that would naturally command respect and deter disrespect.

 

[Desert Fox]

are you in America? this ain't the wild west anymore so you can't just shoot them and make an example out of them that way. and even if you could, murder is never a viable route because everyone's life is their own and not for another to take. so no violence or hurting people physically.

However rich ol' uncle sam can help you so get rich, get revenge by taking away his job, his home, his family, and destroying everything he's worth or treasures dearly.

this will take about 2-3 years depending on how much cash you're willing to save and how smartly you invest, but 3 years is a pretty good time frame. anyways, after you do this and smear your success in their face they will crawl on their knees to be your friend and be associated with your wealth and fortune.

then you can deny them and taunt them and make them salivate but forever decay on the inside at what you have and what they don't.

and the best part is they can't do **** about it.

 

[1 Bad Dude]

No hesitation. Being hesitant and passive broadcasts weakness. If someone dis-respects you, you act. Immediately. Thats why weak guys get walked all over. It takes strength to stand up for yourself.

I'll also add that even minor behaviors that are veiled as "just joking" need to be addressed immediately as well. You know the other person isn't really joking and so do they. This alone will stop most progression of dis-respect.

 

[Kerpal]

No hesitation. Being hesitant and passive broadcasts weakness. If someone dis-respects you, you act. Immediately. Thats why weak guys get walked all over. It takes strength to stand up for yourself.

I'll also add that even minor behaviors that are veiled as "just joking" need to be addressed immediately as well. You know the other person isn't really joking and so do they. This alone will stop most progression of dis-respect.

+1

They're testing you to see how much you'll let them get away with:

Escalating - Unlike a hot interview, which starts out immediately hostile, an escalating interview starts out normally but it rapidly turns hostile. The person or people test(s) your boundaries by escalating outrageous behavior. Every time he is not slapped down (i.e., he is successful), his behavior becomes more and more extreme until finally he attacks. This is very common interview for date rapists. It is also common when you walk into the middle of a group of loitering young thugs, what "supposedly" starts out with them "jes messin' witcha" escalates into a robbery or assault. Sometimes both.

http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/interview.htm

 

[Chronocidal]

No hesitation. Being hesitant and passive broadcasts weakness. If someone dis-respects you, you act. Immediately.

Act, yes. But what specific sort of action are you referring to?

+1

They're testing you to see how much you'll let them get away with:

Then how do I "not let them get away with" it? To borrow from your quote, how do I slap them down?


Please, people, I need specifics, not generalities.

 

[Kerpal]

If someone stood you up it means they got a better offer. Get taller, handsomer, richer, more muscular, etc.

 

[5string]

Kerpal is right. People test you to see how much they can get away with. Why don't you give us some more examples of what happened and how you dealt with it? Then we can all tell you how we would have handled it. That might give you the insight you are seeking.

 

[Chronocidal]

If someone stood you up it means they got a better offer. Get taller, handsomer, richer, more muscular, etc.

Do people even read posts before spouting stuff?

1. I'm not asking "Why did they join forces with someone else?". I'm asking "Why did they stand me up?". The latter specifically is a disrespectful action. It's quite simple to call me or email me ahead of time, regardless of whether someone found a "better offer".

2. What does height, looks, wealth, and musculature have to do with working with people at night school? This isn't about dating or sex here.

Kerpal is right. People test you to see how much they can get away with. Why don't you give us some more examples of what happened and how you dealt with it? Then we can all tell you how we would have handled it. That might give you the insight you are seeking.

They stood me up for study groups and project meetings at night school. I didn't know a way of "handling it" besides explaining to them that I won't stand for it. It did not stop the next person, or the next person, from doing so.

Now, to everyone, it would be very helpful if everyone could READ my posts before posting, and write in specifics, not generalities. If you can't handle that, please leave this thread alone.

 

[1 Bad Dude]

Do people even read posts before spouting stuff?

...

Now, to everyone, it would be very helpful if everyone could READ my posts before posting, and write in specifics, not generalities. If you can't handle that, please leave this thread alone.

There's no need to get bent out of shape here. You're being very vague, general and NON-specific so that's really all you were gonna get in return. Your situation seems(you still aren't being specific) to be a passively-engaged situation. We(me, 5string and kerpal) are describing how to re-act in actively-engaged situations mainly.

Now, if you are a teacher engaging students and getting stood up, you punish them through future interactions with them, their marks and grades. If you are a student engaging several teachers then address them directly and off to the side(after class). If you are among fellow students then you handle the project on your own. If that isn't viable, seek out another partner. Speak up in class that you need a partner who's serious about the project and won't flake out on the meetings. If you do the project(s) on your own make sure your presentation points this fact out.

Ultimately, these people don't consider these meetings and projects to be important. Either that or they don't take you seriously. There really isn't much you can do in this specific situation. It's a passive situation. There not being overly dis-respectful, just irresponsible. The only punishment you can do is to write them off in general.

 

[Onlyliveonce]

Don't ever tell anyone you are angry of hurt. Tell them you are disappointed in their behavior and move on, no contact. Their intention was to make you angry or hurt, and they know it. By letting them know you are disappointed in them you tell them they are beneath you. They may laugh at your cool demeanor but over time it works well, especially with women. Because they are the more insecure of the sexes.

 

[Kerpal]

Do people even read posts before spouting stuff?

1. I'm not asking "Why did they join forces with someone else?". I'm asking "Why did they stand me up?".

Again:

If someone stood you up it means they got a better offer. Get taller, handsomer, richer, more muscular, etc.

Now, to everyone, it would be very helpful if everyone could READ my posts before posting, and write in specifics, not generalities. If you can't handle that, please leave this thread alone.

Ask a vague question, get a vague answer.

 

[Desert Fox]

No hesitation. Being hesitant and passive broadcasts weakness. If someone dis-respects you, you act. Immediately. Thats why weak guys get walked all over. It takes strength to stand up for yourself.

I'll also add that even minor behaviors that are veiled as "just joking" need to be addressed immediately as well. You know the other person isn't really joking and so do they. This alone will stop most progression of dis-respect.

Actually I agree with the OP, this is pretty general advice anyone can pull out of their ass with no real meaning. Clearly the OP news SOMETHING must be done..clearly he knows he must ACT...he knows he must ADDRESS IT. But that's general as hell and really useless.

HOW is the real question here and nobody so far has answered that.

Except for me

Long term, turn to my answer.

Short term, I really don't have a good answer. I usually just put up with it since in a work environment hostility and complaining is looked down upon even if you are the one doing the right thing and being wronged. It's bizarre.

I've boiled it down to these people being lazy ****s and well two can play at that game. Here I will give you DIRECT REAL ADVICE to help you not just deal with disrespect, but ELIMINATE IT:

1. don't give a **** about other people. that's right. don't give a damn about their life, their deadlines, fvck them all, it's not your problem. if they need your help say, "OHHH I'D LOOOOVE TO HELP BUT I'M SUPER BUSY RIGHT NOW (EVEN IF YOU'RE SITTING ON UR ASS). GO ASK SOMEONE ELSE AND IF YOU REAAAALY CAN'T FIND SOMEONE COME BACK. I'D LOVE TO HELP BUT I'M JUST SUPER BUSY RIGHT NOW."

Then those *******s will go away and find someone else and if they come back, just repeat it,maybe switch it up saying you just got busier and wished you'd just helped earlier, but maybe next time or some bullsh1t like that just keep bullsh1tting them.

2. Cover your own ass and just worry about yourself. yes, kind of redundant but basically just cover your own ass and you'll eliminate a lot of disrespect. What is disrespect? Well it's something someone else does that doesn't sit well with you and disrupts your life somehow. Like these study groups, who the fvck needs them? You open your life up to the possibility of being disrespected. See I don't do that, I just do things on my own and eventually people seek me out because I'm the best and they need my help. If I have nothing to gain, I'll make some bullsh1t excuse like "sry I gotta make ice cubes tonight. maybe another time (see #1)" If I DO havesomething to gain, I'll go but i'll leave right after.

3. Keep a journal. Sh1t like this will EAT YOUR UP INSIDE. Keep a journal and write down the bullsh1t that happens to you and that will help you organize your thoughts. For a week it will seem stupid and forced, but keep at it and you'll start to grow into it and it'll be a great tool. Write down those people who are permanently sh1tlisted because even though I am a master at reading motherfvckers some do slip by and I need to remember that. I do not forgive, sorry. You fvck me once, prepare to be fvcked for the rest of your life.

4. Ultimately you need power. If you have no power, people will sh1t on you with no fear of consequences or losing anything. After you get rich, people will not sh1t on you because they all want your sh1t and free sh1t from you which they hope to get by sucking up instead of working hard themselves.

5. THIS IS PROBABLY WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR. For on the spot retaliation I turn to sarcasm. I say exactly the opposite of what I mean and make it clear, but since I'm saying the opposite they can't pin sh1t on me. For example at work:

douche: hey faggot do my work because i'm not gonna do anything haha lol jk man
me: listen, just because you add "JK man" to the end of your sentence doesn't make it any less disrespectful. BUT DON'T WORRY THIS DEFINITELY WON'T HAVE ANY CONSEQUENCES FOR YOU.

Then get up, go to HR, report his ass, or go to your boss, report his ass, etc. DONE. If it doesn't pan out at least people will know you mean business and don't put up with sh1t.

IF THIS IS A SCHOOL PROJECT:

cut through the BULLSH1T AND BE DIRECT!!! GROW A PAIR OF FUKKIN BALLS!!!

student: hey let's work on this tonight
me: ok what are you bringing
student: blah blah blah and blah
me: ok i'll bring blah blah blah, let's meet at the library at 8pm
studnet: ok see you then.

8 pm rolls around and he doesn't show up. added to my sh1t list permanently. i don't mind because again i don't give a sh1t and keep working on my own stuff.

next day in class I'll ask the prof for another partner or publicly call this guy out for being a flake and really fvckin useless. remain calm, just be non-emotional about it like you're used to dealing with failures.

if the prof does nothing, do the project anyway but talk more and take up more time than the other motherfvcker and also keep correcting him during the talk. if he b1tches say "if you had it right i wouldn't have to correct you." also share NONE of your material with him, then turn around and lie about it when the prof asks if you shared and say he's so goddamn irresponsibile he lost it etc. Just keep bullsh1tting the motherfvcker at every turn. Also this will reveal that he had nothing and therefore did jack squat for the project because he's blaming his failure on you not giving him stuff LOL.

obviously news of this will spread and you'll basically not be fvcked with at least in that sense.

SUMMARY: TO DEAL WITH AZZHOLES BE AN EVEN BIGGER AZZHOLE, OUT DOUCHE THE DOUCHEBAG WHILE ALWAYS WATCHING OUT FOR YOUR OWN ASS AND KEEPING YOUR OWN ASS COVERED.

 

[Julius_Seizeher]

Let me ask you a question.

How many people have you known who you consider to be real WINNERS in the game of life?

And of these real winners, how many were disrespectful and generally contentious in nature?

Like Colussus' signature reads, "Cast not ye pearls before swine." Christ was speaking of pearls as the essence of your life, the subject of your attention.

Let the disrespectful swine wallow amongst themselves.

 

[Chronocidal]

2. Cover your own ass and just worry about yourself. yes, kind of redundant but basically just cover your own ass and you'll eliminate a lot of disrespect. What is disrespect? Well it's something someone else does that doesn't sit well with you and disrupts your life somehow. Like these study groups, who the fvck needs them?

"Who the fvck needs them?" People in classes where the group projects are mandatory. Like me.

You open your life up to the possibility of being disrespected. See I don't do that, I just do things on my own and eventually people seek me out because I'm the best and they need my help.

And what if the load is too great to be done single-handedly, like a group project?

Even in cases where I was the best, it didn't necessarily mean that people went up to me respectfully seeking advice. And what then if one isn't the best?

3. Keep a journal. Sh1t like this will EAT YOUR UP INSIDE. Keep a journal and write down the bullsh1t that happens to you and that will help you organize your thoughts. For a week it will seem stupid and forced, but keep at it and you'll start to grow into it and it'll be a great tool. Write down those people who are permanently sh1tlisted because even though I am a master at reading motherfvckers some do slip by and I need to remember that. I do not forgive, sorry. You fvck me once, prepare to be fvcked for the rest of your life.

What good does this do? What suffering do they incur from being "permanently sh1tlisted"? I could write down a list of people who have wronged me, but how does it deter other people from transgressing in the future?

4. Ultimately you need power. If you have no power, people will sh1t on you with no fear of consequences or losing anything. After you get rich, people will not sh1t on you because they all want your sh1t and free sh1t from you which they hope to get by sucking up instead of working hard themselves.

How does becoming rich even factor in here? No one in night school or in similar environments necessarily knows the next person's net worth.

5. THIS IS PROBABLY WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR. For on the spot retaliation I turn to sarcasm. I say exactly the opposite of what I mean and make it clear, but since I'm saying the opposite they can't pin sh1t on me. For example at work:

Ok, this stuff sounds useful. Thanks!

IF THIS IS A SCHOOL PROJECT...

8 pm rolls around and he doesn't show up. added to my sh1t list permanently. i don't mind because again i don't give a sh1t and keep working on my own stuff.

Again, what does this "sh1t list" refer to? How does the person suffer as a result of being on a "sh1t list"?

next day in class I'll ask the prof for another partner or publicly call this guy out for being a flake and really fvckin useless. remain calm, just be non-emotional about it like you're used to dealing with failures.

How specifically is the calling-out done, and how does it make them suffer for their mistake? Asking profs to intercede is pretty useless, except in cases where the groups are assigned by them. I ended up simply abandoning (or effectively being abandoned) by all of the transgressors.