Handling a 7yr LTR breakup

[Mercenary]

To All: Thank you so much for your responses. Your words are wise and give me strength.

I'm trying my absolute best not to think of her and stay busy.

She's called me 10 times in the last 20 minutes. I haven't answered.

Excellent. You handled that well, but you can't count on that strategy being effective forever.

She will find a way to make contact with you:
She knows your habits, stomping grounds, routine, friends, where you work, etc. It's unrealistic to think you will be able to avoid her forever. Realize this and prepare for when it happens.

She will make concessions:
After she manufactures a way to get an audience with you, she will try to appeal to your ego and tell you that "you were right" about "x, y, and z". This will make you feel good in the interim, but ultimately is a ploy to distract you.

She will try to make you jealous:
See the history of man. "Ain't nobody got time for that". It's a largely pointless emotion.

"Didn't our time together mean anything to you?":
Of course it did. It means that you are older, smarter, wiser. It means you are grateful for the experiences you had together. Ultimately those experiences will make you a better partner for the woman you end up with.

 

[TonyBaloney]

Hey bud,

Just a quick note to say all the best. Its a rough as fvck when you lose a girl you love and the feeling is not reciprocated. Its gonna take a while to recover, but recover you will.

Another note to all of you SS regulars and contributors to this thread; restores my faith in humanity to see such generous and heartfelt responses from one anonymous fellow to another..

All the best Men!!!

 

[yyc12]

In addition to what everyone else says:

Make sure to cry...and cry lots....force it if you have to (as "beta" as this sounds, lol). You immediately feel significantly better after this (there's a medical/psychological reason for this, I'm not good enough to verbalise it right now, but it works, trust me).

Start taking cold showers; they improve your emotional state/mood along with other good physical benefits (again, another good explanation for this that I can't explain. These things just work).

 

[Slick Mick]

Hi everyone,

I need support; to know that I'm not the only one who has gone through this; to know that things will get better.

My girlfriend of 7 years just ended it with me.
I lost my best friend. The pain is intense. It fluctuates throughout the day, but when there, feels like a black cloud surrounding me that overrides any logic or reason. I feel like I want to die at times.

She still loves me, though she is not in love with me.
She wants to stay friends and maintain contact.
She is hurting too.
Everything reminds me of her.

Do I handle this like any other breakup?
Has anyone else here gone through something similar?

Someone please help.

Go Dark.....Not easy, not what you want to do, but its the only solution to A) get her back or B) move on........ Break all contact immediately, this is not the "macho" move, its the only move to give you any hope... Look at threads for support.. I see we have guy code on this site, contact us and not her, we'll help you strategize... go get drunk, but don't drunk dial...The **** that's going through your head about her is your mind ****ing with you...She is crying to her feminist friends about the "piece of **** " that you are.... Just relax and keep reading....

 

[Mr_Stinky]

Came in to offer advice. All that I was going to say has been said. Left satisfied.

Also, keep your chin up. You'll be just fine. It may not feel like it now but I promise you will

 

[dazednconfused]

Hey buddy, just came across this thread and im reading my own life here! 1st ever post - here goes:

Me - 25 Her - 27

LTR 6 1/2 years. Moved in after uni etc 8 months ago, got own place 3 months ago. No relationship problems really. Broke up for a few days over crimbo over stupid household chores etc. Sorted that out, all seemed well. Jan went well - no probs. Told that she loved me, still good sex life, passed some exams and she was so happy for me - in a couple kind of way. Mid Jan - decorating our house, buying some prints for the walls etc......

Then a few days later, wakes up beside me, says "I can't do this anymore". Totally blindsided. The 'reasons':
• she's too fatigued
• I haven't met her expectations
• loves but is not in love (though still fancies... Wtf)
• circumstances aren't right for us now
• Timing isn't right

Did all the begging, pleading, texting, letters etc doh! No avail. Both move out of the house. Within weeks she joins a dating site. Stupidly I confronted her.

V down atm. Was her b'day this week. Sent a card (nothing mushy mind). Been in NC/LC. Had some limited conv via fb. I've had an op so she asked about my recovery, me about her new job, flat etc Had good chat, until she mentioned that I can use my crutches to pull women! V insensitive given she knows how I feel! Stupidly I said i wasn't interested in anyone else. End of conv!

Today, I messaged her about a final bill and had a fairly civil chat. Asked if she fancied grabbing a coffee for a quick catch up. She said no. That she wasn't at a stage where she could be my friend! She dumped me!

Is this a case of GIGS? How can she, who loved me that much not want contact with me? Its not like I've done anything wrong. I don't honesty get what's happened in the last 2 months at all and how someone can behave this way.

Worst of all, she knows how I feel, I have no power here and she is just a cold ice-queen.... And yet id still want to be back together (sigh).

 

[Moppet]

So I'm Not Crazy

Ok, first of all I wanted to say that this site was exactly what I needed..

Let me start from by saying I am you 10 months from now.. I can tell you exactly how it went down for me.

She was my first for everything, go together sr yr of HS and went to college together. Even got a house together and I was about to propose. 7 yrs of us being together and I loved her more than life itself. She wasn't the hottest, cutest, smartest, or funniest, but she loved me with all her heart and soul. Well I went through a rough patch with my Job and had to start traveling 95% of the time. We began to fight, argue, and the communication died. We continued to try over and over but it just seemed to no work. I don't want to get into the details but eventually one night she came to me crying and asked me to leave the house. The house we lived in together and bought together. My whole world shattered. I could barely function. Basically everything that was said in the prior comments and then some. If hell does exit, I definitely got a taste of it....

Fast forward 10 months... I am dating someone new who is amazing. She is beautiful, smart and cultured, but I still get waves of sickness to my stomach bc its not my ex. My problem I have discovered is that I think i will always see any girl from here on out as a comparison to my ex. I will always judge her and think of her as "not good enough" for w/e reason. My ex was the standard in my life and now I dont think I can ever get over it. I know she isnt the same girl bc I did the whole "let's try and talk and work things out". Let me tell you it doesn't work. Pain is there, trust is lost, and you nor her are the same person. The hardest concept you will have to learn is that you will never be able to go back to what you had. No matter how fantastic she/you were, it will always be in the past.

My advice to you is the same advice others gave. This can be hard, no reason to make it harder. Immediately delete your songs that remind you of her, get rid of the pics, leave out the mutual friends, keep on. Perseverance is key bc if you stop and dwell, its over. It will eat you up inside and destroy you to the point suicidal thoughts. I can close my eyes now and see her just like she is right next to me, but that just brings pain.

The good news is that what ppl say on here is good stuff. The knowledge of what happened will never go away, nor will you ever forget, it will stay with you the rest of your life, but coping with it DOES GET BETTER. Eventually you go from, "fk my life, to my life sucks, to this sucks but w/e, to ok what am i doing this weekend"... It's a process, more emotional than mental. You can hurry this up, so don't ignore the pain, but also don't dwell on it. I hate to say this to you but only time will eventually heal all wounds. Hang in there brother, I'm in the same boat and others are too. Your never alone whether you think so or not.

 

[amoka]

...

 

[Zunder]

I don't want to get into the details but eventually one night she came to me crying and asked me to leave the house. The house we lived in together and bought together.

I have never understood this shyt that when a couple break-up and they live in a co-owned or co-rented house, that the man is expected to leave?
I hope you grabbed her shyt and biffed it out onto the front lawn and told her to phuck off.

 

[The Duke]

For some of you guys that are trying to make sense of what your soon to be ex is telling you......STOP. They are emotional creatures that verbalize all sorts of crazy things inside their flat-spotted hamster wheels.

The best thing you can do is quit listening to what she tells you and start going by what her actions show you. believe her actions, not her wordsAll that non-sensical mumbo jumbo emotional diarrhea that she tosses out is designed to throw you off and lessen the blow, in turn making her feel better for the damage she has done.

I've heard all the same things before(I love you, but not in love with you, we should still be friends but I can't meet up with you today for coffee). Everyone of us here has heard those same words. I think they all went to the same schitty school.

There is some solid gold advice here...take it to heart.

 

[Outlaw_]

For some of you guys that are trying to make sense of what your soon to be ex is telling you......STOP. They are emotional creatures that verbalize all sorts of crazy things inside their flat-spotted hamster wheels.

The best thing you can do is quit listening to what she tells you and start going by what her actions show you. believe her actions, not her wordsAll that non-sensical mumbo jumbo emotional diarrhea that she tosses out is designed to throw you off and lessen the blow, in turn making her feel better for the damage she has done.

I've heard all the same things before(I love you, but not in love with you, we should still be friends but I can't meet up with you today for coffee). Everyone of us here has heard those same words. I think they all went to the same schitty school.

There is some solid gold advice here...take it to heart.

Yes I would agree. I would also add don't just stop listening meaning, checking out, but cut off contact as the others recommend. You're the prize not her.

 

[Centaurion]

Some solid advice has been given in this thread.

I've also been in your position (but not a 7 years LTR). Everything was going good (or so I thought) when she just out of the blue said that she needed a time off. A week later we broke up. She said EXACTLY the same things as you describe what your ex said. EXACTLY. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I would wake up in the middle of the night with chest pains. It was horrible.

What you have to remember is that for you this came "out of the blue", but for her this was planned. Maybe you noticed that she was a little bit distant / unresponsive a week or so before the break up? That was her period to "mourn", when she broke up with you - she was over with you at that time. While you on the other hand need to process this.

What got me through the rough patch was:

1) No contact! I deleted her number and blocked her on my phone. With iPhone you can add someone to an ignore list and you won't get any messages / calls / voicemails from that person.When the urge came to call her / send a message I couldn't as I didn't have her number!


2) Remove her and everything that reminds you of her from your life. I blocked her on Facebook and threw out all her stuff (would not recommend this - pack them up and tell her to pick it up). All the songs / pictures / stuff that reminded me of her, I threw away / deleted.


3) Be open and frank with your friends. We had mutual friends and the same close friend circle since we met through them. I told my (our) friends what had happened, and that I was going through a really rough patch. I explained to them that I don't want to have any contact with her at all. I didn't offer them an ultimatum or anything like that, but they decided that they preferred me over her.

 

[Julian]

****s rough homies

stay strong