Had the talk... need some advice

[DangNammit]

Hey guys...

I have been dating this gal for a few months now. She is the only one I am currently dating... there were three others which I have since 'disqualified'.

She told me she wants to date only me and wants me to be hers alone... She was very sincere about this not *****y. I do want to see where things go with her, but have been kind of ambiguous with her about where I stand.

I don't want her to have the complete comfort of knowing that she has me (though she pretty much does)... yet, I feel I should be leading a bit more here and be the one to clearly define where we stand... thoughts?

 

[squirrels]

Do you want to be with her exclusively?

 

[DangNammit]

Yeah, I guess I do. I just broke things off with the other girl cus I'm really only thinking bout this one...

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Dangnammit,
She's not the problem it's you....Decide whether you want a DJ'S life or not,because otherwise it will be an Autumn marriage.

 

[Colossus]

This is an age-old problem. You don't wanna let the girl go, but at the same time she is really pushing for more commitment to move forward and if you don't oblige her in some way it will fizzle out.

Commitment is progressive with women who really like or love you. They are only temporarily satisfied with your current level---it has to keep moving forward for it to make any sense for them.

If you are ambiguous about her---sort of lukewarm---you'll regret the decision to commit and will be eyeballing every other woman that walks by. She wont be getting what she wants--your full attention--and you'll be annoyed with her.

 

[Kailex]

Yeah, I guess I do. I just broke things off with the other girl cus I'm really only thinking bout this one...

GUESS doesn't cut it.

You either know or you don't.
GUESS implies doubt and maybe some concern into turning this into exclusivity. You can lie to us, but you need to be honest to yourself.

That was a "YES" or "NO" question that squirrels posted.
There wasn't any other options... no "Maybes" or "Wellllll"... just certainties.

 

[DangNammit]

Scaramouche - Maybe I don't understand your reply, but there really isn't a problem per se... Long-term, i'd like to meet a gal I want to share my life with - not necessarily marriage and not necessarily with this gal. I'm trying not to look that far ahead. Now, she feels right in many ways, but time and future sharing will tell...

If living the DJ life means hoping from short-term r/s to short-term r/s with the primary goal of getting laid, that's not my bag...

I'm seeking advice because I do not claim to know it all. I am recently divorced after 10 years of 5hit... I have a string of other failed relationships too... I want to be smarter this go-around...

 

[DangNammit]

By ambiguous I only meant that I don't want to show her my hand completely... is that the wrong choice here?

Using 'guess' in my response was stupid... yes, I do want to be exclusive with her.

 

[squirrels]

Yeah, this non-committal crap needs to stop.

Either this woman is satisfying all of your needs currently, or she isn't.

Being in an "exclusive" relationship isn't a marriage, and I wish some of the retards of my generation would stop seeing it as such. Until she moves in with you or you get the marriage license, it's not set in stone.

This is kind of your 'trial-run' for marriage. If you're already dropping all of your other women for this one, then you may as well put the "girlfriend" title on her and give her a trial as your "exclusive" one for a little while.

See how you feel about it. If you still find yourself longing for other women, or you find things about her that you don't think would make her optimal for a commitment, you can always back out, albeit gingerly to avoid a sh!tstorm.

Do things "couples" would do. Take her to meet the folks. Meet her folks. Your interactions with each others' family will tell you a LOT about your "long-term compatibility".

She doesn't want a wedding ring just yet. She's just tired of you being non-committal and wants to know whether SHE should be "playing the field" too.

Some of you "Mature Men" need to grow the f*ck up. Sorry to single you out, DN, it wasn't my intention, but I've seen a LOT of this in the forum lately and it half makes me laugh, half pisses me off.

 

[Kailex]

I do want to be exclusive with her.

Then you already made your choice... and make sure you read what squirrels posted.

Being in an "exclusive" relationship isn't a marriage, and I wish some of the retards of my generation would stop seeing it as such. Until she moves in with you or you get the marriage license, it's not set in stone.

This is kind of your 'trial-run' for marriage. If you're already dropping all of your other women for this one, then you may as well put the "girlfriend" title on her and give her a trial as your "exclusive" one for a little while.

This isn't a dead end, and that's how you are viewing this.
Just consider this an alternate path with one lane in it... for now.

But if you are more worried about "screwing up" than you are happy about the prospect of exclusivity with her... then something might be a little off with yourself.

 

[DangNammit]

Squirrels... thanks for the reply - I agree. Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of being exclusive - I actually prefer that over 'spinning plates'.

That being said, my issue is more related to keeping the mystery / attraction going, but I guess that can't continue forever completely.

Your post brought me some clarity so thanks for that.

 

[DangNammit]

Kailex - got it and agreed. I'm looking for guarentees when there are none...

 

[squirrels]

Squirrels... thanks for the reply - I agree. Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of being exclusive - I actually prefer that over 'spinning plates'.

That being said, my issue is more related to keeping the mystery / attraction going, but I guess that can't continue forever completely.

Your post brought me some clarity so thanks for that.

No problem. I even started a new thread related to this subject...you're not the first I've seen coming from this angle.

Being "Don Juan" doesn't end once you get the girl. It's a state of mind. It continues on into monogamy. Mystery...not so much, but you can remain not-totally-predictable. Attraction...that can be maintained indefinitely.

If you NEED to avoid a commitment because you're "not Don Juan enough" to maintain it yet, there's nothing wrong with that. Just acknowledge that and work on it. But it doesn't make you MORE Don Juan to avoid a relationship you can't handle.

 

[Zarky]

I'm not afraid of being exclusive - I actually prefer that over 'spinning plates'.

Why? Seriously... why would you rather date one woman than multiple women?

I've been dating multiple women since 2003 except for a couple of times when I got dumped and my number dwindled to one. I quickly found a new girl (or two) each time that happened. I feel weird when I don't have multiple women in my life.

I'm seriously curious as to why a man would feel better with one woman than several.

 

[L B]

Why? Seriously... why would you rather date one woman than multiple women?

I've been dating multiple women since 2003 except for a couple of times when I got dumped and my number dwindled to one. I quickly found a new girl (or two) each time that happened. I feel weird when I don't have multiple women in my life.

I'm seriously curious as to why a man would feel better with one woman than several.

Different people, different needs my friend.

 

[DangNammit]

Why? Seriously... why would you rather date one woman than multiple women?

I've been dating multiple women since 2003 except for a couple of times when I got dumped and my number dwindled to one. I quickly found a new girl (or two) each time that happened. I feel weird when I don't have multiple women in my life.

I'm seriously curious as to why a man would feel better with one woman than several.

Everyone has their thing man... I'm not sayin I'm right or wrong, but it works for me. Don't get me wrong either, I love the fresh experience of sex with a new gal, but I do seek to grow with and develop a shared history with a gal who is my friend (and can eff like nobodys business).