Guys, I need your help.

[frivolousz21]

to make a long story short..

my childhood was filled with abandonment...


I have 1 glaring problem...when something is wrong with my fiance..like her beign stressed..I also feel afraid inside that its because of me.

Because ive had woman in the past give me the im stressed line..instead of just breaking it off with me.

anyways my fiance isnt going to break it off with me..and there is not 1 indication in 11 months that there is a problem..infact I know there isnt.

she is also 6 and half months prego.

I want to break from this..Im sick of not being able to suck it up when I get insecure about this...im 23..and ive known about this problem since I was 14..and I dont know how to fix it.

can it even be fixed? how do I do not worry about her? and how do I trust somene who has given me ZERO reason not to trust her? its not fair to me, her or the new baby coming.

 

[Vulpine]

Whatever the problems in your past are, you aren't releasing yourself from your baggage. You are letting the past haunt you still. Forgive yourself. When I say forgive yourself, I mean consider the hows and whys of the situations that bother you, find out how you aren't/weren't/couldn't possibly be to blame and how those situations should have no affect on you now, because simply, you aren't in those situations now. Shrug your shoulders, say to yourself: "Eh, what can you do?" and, simple as that, It's not your fault and not your problem. *Poof* You just let bygones be bygones.

I know that sounds silly, but people tend to internalize things that are not under their influence or control.

Your fiance, if isn't showing any negatives, has problems that aren't yours. We naturally want to help, but, "Eh, what can you do?" *Poof* Not a problem of yours. "I forgive you for having problems that affect me."

 

[frivolousz21]

thanks man.

thats what I needed to hear..and your right...I dont let the Emotional baggage go..I let it hold me back..I must release from this

 

[Vulpine]

I think it's crucial to add that, once you've resgined yourself to not accept any fault for problems that aren't yours, let sleeping dogs lie. That is, don't be quick to revert back to those scenarios as causes of your modern problems. Remember, you've already discounted those boogeymen and realized they weren't your problem. It would be like taking back an ex that treated you like sh!t.

So once you've settled yourself with your past, your new and modern problems must have new and modern causes, what are THOSE?

This has been one of the hardest parts of my evolution: letting go of the past. I didn't like what I used to be, why should I be so reluctant to change? That just doesn't seem logical at all when you look at it that way.
Duh, should I stay AFC or work towards DJ-dom? Hmmm.... tough call.

 

[Bad_Lil'Pixie]

Just a thought...

Friv, could it be a confidence issue?

You seem to have confidence in many fields, but you are stepping into some new roles, you are soon to become a husband, a father and a son-in-law, plus more probably.

You've never worn all these hats before and it is very new and strange territory. You must have fears and doubts about these new steps.

Don't vent your self-doubts toward her. Don't scapegoat these fears into your relationship by doubting her "staying power", like you said she has never given you reason to believe she isn't in it for the long run.

Could you be wanting to sabotage the relationship?? Don't get your back up here, think about it. Is all this fear, anguish and doubt what a man "in love" feels? Or is all this what a man "doing the proper thing" feels?

You've stated before you have some rather "old fashioned" morals. I know she is pregnant and you are doing right by her, marry her, be the man of the house, be the dad, be the provider, etc...

If you are just going through the motions of the "right thing" you are going to fall flat.

If you do not have strong faith in her, that she is the one you want to be with forever and all those other giddy feelings, then doing the right thing is NOT putting up a fake front, you are cheating her and yourself.

What kind of husband and father will you be if you feel you had no choice but to take these roles by demand?

While you are trying to form yourself into what everyone else wants you to be, you need to ponder all you need to be for yourself first.

You're 23 and are worthy of a fulfilling, satisfied life, are the steps you are creating fulfilling and satisfying? If you can not answer "YES", don't do it.

Do you feel trapped? Seriously, if she where NOT pregnant, what stage would this 11 month relationship be in? Engaged?, Exclusive?, Open?, Non-existant?

 

[frivolousz21]

Friv, could it be a confidence issue?

You seem to have confidence in many fields, but you are stepping into some new roles, you are soon to become a husband, a father and a son-in-law, plus more probably.

You've never worn all these hats before and it is very new and strange territory. You must have fears and doubts about these new steps.

Don't vent your self-doubts toward her. Don't scapegoat these fears into your relationship by doubting her "staying power", like you said she has never given you reason to believe she isn't in it for the long run.

Could you be wanting to sabotage the relationship?? Don't get your back up here, think about it. Is all this fear, anguish and doubt what a man "in love" feels? Or is all this what a man "doing the proper thing" feels?

You've stated before you have some rather "old fashioned" morals. I know she is pregnant and you are doing right by her, marry her, be the man of the house, be the dad, be the provider, etc...

If you are just going through the motions of the "right thing" you are going to fall flat.

If you do not have strong faith in her, that she is the one you want to be with forever and all those other giddy feelings, then doing the right thing is NOT putting up a fake front, you are cheating her and yourself.

What kind of husband and father will you be if you feel you had no choice but to take these roles by demand?

While you are trying to form yourself into what everyone else wants you to be, you need to ponder all you need to be for yourself first.

You're 23 and are worthy of a fulfilling, satisfied life, are the steps you are creating fulfilling and satisfying? If you can not answer "YES", don't do it.

Do you feel trapped? Seriously, if she where NOT pregnant, what stage would this 11 month relationship be in? Engaged?, Exclusive?, Open?, Non-existant?

thats great stuff man.

I dont think that I probably made my origional post clear.

yea I am scared about being a dad...and how my life will change..but I do love her. She is great.

most of my life has been dissapointment..my father is a bum..or was..I dont even know who he is now.

My mother has been married 2 times...and is now single again..a bad mom to my 7 yr old sister and she is out drinking ALOT. which just pisses me off.

my biggest problem is my HUGE fear of abandonment. I have invested my life into this woman..obviously I wanted to and had to. We have a son to be born in July. She is an amazing woman...she is the reason I was here with my skewed perception of woman because of her..now I do see the light on how most woman really are anyways..I feel insecure with trusting her loyalty to me...I know she is and is great and loves me..

so this is about me..I cannot repeat the mistakes of the ones before me..I want to get my last name to something to be proud of. But I feel so weak sometimes worrying that my prego fiance could bounce anytime.

I dont need reassurance that she wont leave..I need to reassure myself I am strong and can handle things that come my way.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Pregnancy makes some women turn into raving lunatics on occasion, especially in the last trimester. Of course she is stressed, every pregnant woman is, especially when it's her first kid. Don't view her hormones as a reflection of you. This advice is part of a larger life philosophy of not internalizing the problems of others, especially one's LTR partner. All of the people in your life will have problems of some sort, because no one is perfect, even if they are people of your choosing instead of family. Everyone else in life has their own struggles to overcome and their own journey in life, and there is hardly anything you can do about it, so there is no point in letting it drag you down.

 

[BobFuest]

this just happened to me. I interalized the fears and let it show instead of letting it lie and sucking it up. Dont let it happen or you will find yourself in a bad spot.