Guy friend

[Pierce]

I'm glad you realize what you have to do. Good luck.

 

[vatoloco]

Thank you Zekko. We just had a big argument and I left saying I need time alone to think.

I'm heading over to her place and I'm going to establish my boundaries right. Your last paragraph is exactly what I'm going to say.

Ouch. This is not looking good my friend. If you're already arguing with her, that means her IL is tanking. Big time.

I would advise against calling out and confronting for these reasons.

I don't know if this one is salvageable but, I'd advise you to take a more indirect approach and see if she comes around...

YMMV, though.

 

[zekko]

I'm heading over to her place and I'm going to establish my boundaries right. Your last paragraph is exactly what I'm going to say.

That's fine, as long as you're willing to lose her over it.
If you're really going to establish certain standards, you have to be willing to walk away from those who don't meet them.

I don't see having these standards as a way to convince women to go along with them, they're a way of finding the right women. They filter out the ones who don't meet your needs.

 

[GhostWriter]

Update:

I told her this,

"I'll never tell you what you can or can't do, however I just want to let you know that I don't like it when you have dinner dates or spend one on one happy hour with your guy friend. I just don't see the need for you to do those things if we're in an exclusive relationship *she asked for exclusitivity fyi* and quite honestly I find it disrespectful. But like I said before, you can do whatever you'd like, I'm not going to stop you."

She knows I'll walk away because I literally did another time she disrespected me. So I didn't need to say it, it was implied within the context of our relationship.

She seemed to agree and compromise. I really don't know 100% if she was sincere or not, but I feel as if the dynamics of our relationship are different now.

I was extremely calm and stern throughout our talk. Is this normal? For our relationship to just feel... not right after an argument like this?

Or is this my gut saying she didn't like that talk at all and wants to have her cake and eat it too. Or maybe she'll resent me for "trying" to make her give up her male friends *which is not the case, but you know how women cry to their girlfriends. They always make you seem like the bad guy and will bend the story into their favor.

Yes, I will agree that maybe she's not completely mature. However I do like her and all, I just need some guidance. Thanks guy.

 

[bukowski_merit]

She knows I'll walk away because I literally did another time she disrespected me.

But..... you're still there with her. So she doesn't know you'll walk away (not that it's good to tell her you will anyway.)

She seemed to agree and compromise. I really don't know 100% if she was sincere or not, but I feel as if the dynamics of our relationship are different now.

Yes, the dynamics are different now. She see's you as insecure and overbearing. How much do you want to bet that she's complaining to her girlfriends about you right now? (or better yet - the guy in question.)

I was extremely calm and stern throughout our talk. Is this normal? For our relationship to just feel... not right after an argument like this?

Things aren't right now. You're instincts are sensing it.

You're gone from a provider of fun, to someone who's trying to prevent fun (in her mind). I don't believe you really wanted advice. I think you wanted support from us, and i think you already wanted to tell her that paragraph from above.

But.... You made the bed - now you're going to have to lay in it. If she strays, and you sense it (or know it 100%) - you're going to have to cut ties with her instantly and NOT take her back. You've already made this a big deal, there's a good chance she's going to do it anyway (but now, she'll do it behind your back.)

Or is this my gut saying she didn't like that talk at all and wants to have her cake and eat it too. Or maybe she'll resent me for "trying" to make her give up her male friends *which is not the case, but you know how women cry to their girlfriends. They always make you seem like the bad guy and will bend the story into their favor.

Actually, she'll probably tell the story just how you gave it. "My boyfriend doesn't want me going out with my male friends." - - - And talks of insecurity, maturity, and future will come up. - - - And then advice on how to manipulate and confuse will follow.

And yes, she will resent you now.

And any guy who wants to go out with her (lunch, dinner, drinks, etc.) will now be seen as taboo.... As a forbidden fruit....

"Can i resist the temptation to disobey?" - - - "Well, im not disobeying if he doesn't find out."

 

[zekko]

So the girl asks for an exclusive relationship but still wants to reserve the right to be wined and dined by her boyfriends? Sounds like a crock to me.

Bottom line, the OP finds it disrespectful that his girlfriend is going out on one to one dinners with some other dude. I would not find it acceptable either.
He's let her know what he thinks about it, now it's up to her. If she's going to be a b!tch about it, or if she's going to do what she wants regardless, then I would conclude she is not good girlfriend material. Better to find out now than later.

Of course if she's not into the OP enough to comply, she's going to twist it around into something that's his fault. To which I say, who cares what she says? What's important is that the OP has a girlfriend that meets his standards. Maybe this girl is it, maybe not. By being exclusive with this girl, he is sacrificing a lot as a male, he has the right to have someone who meets his needs.

I know some people say you should never actually discuss this issue with women. But if you don't bring it up and give her a chance, she's never going to know. When I met my girlfriend she had a few orbiters. I told her I had no interest in having a girlfriend who spent time hanging out with other males. Because she was so into me, she dropped them. If she hadn't, obviously she wasn't the right one for me.

Would she find it acceptable if he was taking other hot girls out to dinner? Who knows, but you know as well as I do that if a guy takes a hot girl out to dinner, he is going to want to bang her. It's a different dynamic. But that brings up the question why then is this other dude taking this girl out to dinner?

 

[GhostWriter]

I can tell she's pulling away after our talk. Longer text response time, shorter replies, ambivalent about plans this weekend...

I don't think this is salvageable. I know what I have to do.

For anyone else reading this thread, I should have set my boundary clear in the beginning of the relationship. That was my biggest mistake, please don't do the same.

This is gonna suck..

 

[No Girls 4 U]

Oh, Ghostwriter, Ghostwriter, Ghostwriter...

When will u guys learn?? The #1 (or at least one of the top rules) you should know about women is that giving them ultimatum or straight-forward statements about what you will or won't accept will NOT make them learn their lesson OR do what you want them to do.

You know what you COULD have done? Instead of sounding like an insecure wimp by verbally expressing how pissed off you were, you COULD have just done the same thing to her that she was doing to you.

In other words: you COULD have just found another girl "friend" you're close with, and start hanging out with her more. Then, when your girlfriend started questioning you about all the time you were spending with this other girl, you COULD have given her the same B.S. lines she was giving you (i.e. "Oh, we're just friends, we've known each other forever, she's not into me like that," etc.)

At some point - if she really DID, in fact, like you - she would have given you the speech you gave her. At which point, you could have said: "tell you what, let's make a deal: I'll spend less time with (name of girl "friend") if you agree to do the same with (name of her guy "friend"). That way neither of us will have to question our feelings for each other."

And BOOM! You'd still have a GF that wanted to spend time with you, and you wouldn't have come across as insecure.

But now, who KNOWS what will happen? Answer: I do, and it ain't gonna be pretty!

 

[zekko]

Instead of sounding like an insecure wimp by verbally expressing how pissed off you were

First off, the OP said nothing about being pissed off, or about giving any ultimatums. He just said he didn't like the behavior.

Secondly, since when does calling out a woman on her bad behavior = insecurity?
Women like to characterize this sort of thing as insecurity as a shaming tactic because they think men should put up with anything they want to do.
Personally, no girlfriend of mine is going to be going on dinner dates with some other dude. The hell with that.

I agree it may have been better to play another girl against her. But not all guys can conjure up hot girls to hang with at the drop of a hat, especially guys here on this forum who are just learning. And if the girl isn't hot, the OP's girlfriend is not going to care or be jealous or threatened. You might as
well just tell him to spin plates.

For me, I would rather just be direct and say I found it unacceptable. I'm not big on playing games, especially not with women I am considering a relationship with. Either they step up and qualify or they don't. Better to find out sooner rather than later.
When my girl wanted an exclusive relationship, I made it clear she would have to drop her orbiters. It worked for me. The key is you have to be coming from a strong frame, not from a place of weakness.

I can tell she's pulling away after our talk. Longer text response time, shorter replies, ambivalent about plans this weekend...

She's probably mad at you/pouting. If she withdraws interest, don't chase her or do anything rash. She may come around.