Guy cheating on wife - tell wife?

[hansol]

Hey guys,

Just wondering what peoples' thoughts are on this. Scenario is a guy is married, supposed to be a family man, 4 young kids at home etc. And he is seeing a 23 year old on the side for the last 3 years. They plan the trysts and such for when the wife isn't around obviously, but these aren't just a quick night in a hotel room thing. Hell, one time the dude and mistress took the guy's kids down to CA for a 3 month horse training clinic the guy puts on while the wife stayed at home.

Anyway, the question here is if a third party knows this is going on, should you say something to the spouse? I mean a quick bang here or there, while I wouldn't do it, maybe somehow that's justified. But putting your spouse through that for years, and getting your kids involved too... Something just doesn't sit right with me about that.

I know if it were me, I would want to know if something like that is going on behind my back, but at the same time I've always lived my life by the Godfather saying "I'm not concerned with things that don't concern me." So I'm at a bit of a crossroads here. Figured I'd put it to the board and see if anyone has been in this position before and what everyones' thoughts are.

 

[backbreaker]

morally, i dont' approve of the guy's behavior necessarily. I can't tell another guy how to live his life, but I'm not patting the guy on the back for what he is doing

with that said, call me what you want, but that's something i just can't do, i.e rat out another guy. just can't do it. won't do it.

do you understand the ramifications that your telling would have? i mean really? they have kids, college funds get eaten into because they are not living together anymore / divorce. divorce is harder on kids than a cheating husband can ever possible be on a woman.. trust me i've been there. the legal fees, dealing with the justice system

what are your real motives for telling her this? are you attracted to the 23 year old? are you attracted to the married woman? those are the best 2 options i can come up with. even worse if you are friends with the guy and feel like telling the woman that's a chump move.

my entire life my father has cheated on his wives. i've known this since eveyr once after my mom. and while i don't approve of it whatsoever, it's not my place.

and you are assuming she doesn't know. maybe she's made peace with it but if you tell her now you force her to have to make some type of stand just to save face.. you can't tell a woman that her husband is cheating and she not confront the issue

so no i would just let it be. if it's meant for her to find out she will.

 

[betheman]

whats your role in all this?

 

[Atom Smasher]

On some level she knows, trust me.

She may either be resigned to it or hasn't yet summoned up the strength to deal with it hence she is keeping it on the back burner.

It's probably best to stay out of it because you have no idea what kind of firestorm will be foisted upon the kids as a result. It's best not to be a catalyst for that reason.

Do you know the guy well enough to talk to yourself? You might be able to get him thinking straight, but you don't know what is really going on in their situation. Because of the vulnerability of the kids, I say stay out of it. What is going on now is probably not healthy for them, but what might happen if you set off an explosion has the potential for damaging them greatly.

 

[backbreaker]

yesterday or the day before i made a post where I talked about a girl i dated named crystal.

Crystal's father was an entrapuener that started some company that sold fire truck equipment or something like that, and became very very well off. the reason's crystal's mother has a lot of money is beucase he died and left it to her. Cyrstal also has a trust fund setup for herself and gets a very nice check every month.

anyway that's not the point here. the point is, crystal LOVED her mother. i mean, she is a really bad momma's girl. momma has to come see her every other month. she (mom) doesn't work. she wont' talk about her dad. like at all. he died when she was 16. anyway, a few months of dating something happened and i broughht up her dad and she damn near bit my head off and i said look dammit i've had it WTF i'm trying to have a normal convo with you and you are biting my head off what is it about your dad that you do not like so much.

so finally she breaks down and tells me that one day at home she gets a call from a woman who claimed to be her dad's mistress. i don't know what spurreed this phone call but the way the store goes she says some **** to crystal, that crystal knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is not lying. apparently the guy had been promising to leave his wife and kids for her and ovbiuolsy isn't, and the mistress is now geting pay back.

crystal adores her mohter and now this 16 year old girl not only has to deal with the fact that her father is cheating on her mother, she's an only child they've been marired her entire life. this is all she knows. .. she has to debate on rather or not to actually tell her mom, who has no clue whatsoever.

apparently she eventually tells the mom, hell breaks lose in the house, everyone is mad at everyone now crystal thinks all this is her fault. she actually starts taking drugs beucse of this, she eventually stops before it gets serious but this really shook her up. even started hanging out with the emo type crowd for a bit and trust me this isn't her lol. i mean, she just didn't know what to do. her entire world was rocked to the core.

to make matters even worse, he had a heart attack and died before they could all really get back at peice. so the wife / mom has to bury a guy she jsut found out slept with another woman for the past few years. bought her an apartment and everything. Cyrstal has to go to a funeral of a man who not just months earlier had promised to leave her and her mom for another peice of ass.

to this day she's really messed up about that entire ordeal and she's 30.


so i ask you, is this really waht you want to bring on to a family just beucase you think it's the right thing to do so you can pat yourself on the back, or so that you can get in with the girl or the ex? i think not.

 

[Colossus]

Dont do it, it's not your place. Regardless of how morally corrupt you think his actions are, it's him and his mistress that are responsible for that mess. Dont put yourself in the middle of it, because even though you might THINK you are doing the right thing, you do not want to be the bearer of that news.

And like Atom said, she probably knows on some level.

 

[C-quenced]

No you don't tell his wife anything. You keep your mouth shut and just mind your own business. Besides you can't really judge a mans character simply because he "cheated" on his wife. That's ridiculous.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Hansol,
You think she would thank you?.....No one knows what is happening in a couples life except they themselves....She would know something is going on,believe me.....For one reason or another she has decided to leave sleeping Dogs lie...
Real life Scenario-: Circa 35 Years ago,A colleague of mine,was also employing my future Wife at his his own home business,he was an Architect,Who worked part time for the same Uni I lectured in....Coincidentally,my wife was Young at the time and her duties included,picking Kids up from School,and helping to run the business,while he was away...As you might think,we were soon quite involved in his social scene....Great Guy,Fun Dad,very responsible,decorated Vietnam Veteran....But every Wednesday afternoon regular as clockwork,his fancy Lady would turn up after they had lunched,and they would enjoy a spot of Afternoon Delight....This went on for years...The Wife who was concerned that my Girl friend,was going to be another of his seductions,had a heart to heart,seems she was a devout Catholic and received instructions from her Priest were to do nothing....Oh I could bore you to tears with the minutae of this tangled web,suffice it to say the strange situation persisted until five or so years ago,when the Wife passed away....Now you would think that the Guy and his Lover,after a decent interval, would fly into each others arms,but no he still lives in the same rambling House,with a Daughter for comfort,still sees his Fancy Lady,and you better believe it Spins Plates on the side!

 

[HeadLightsOn]

Don't tell. Really. Just don't...

 

[SecondHalf]

Real simple ... It's not your business!
That's it!

SH

 

[scrouds]

hansol,

Don't try and play the white knight. That shiit needs to be stamped out of your mind.

 

[hansol]

Hey guys, thanks for all the insight. Like I said, I have always lived by "I'm not concerned with things that don't concern me." Glad to hear it meshes with what everyone here is saying.

 

[C-quenced]

I've seen it happen numerous times when a female would swear on her life that she wouldn't go tell her boyfriend that YOU specifically told her she was being cheated on. Yeah right. She may have sworn to secrecy but before you know it you'll be receiving a call from her guy saying something along the lines of "What the **** man I thought we were cool! Why the **** would you tell her that?!". Now you just needlessly made yourself into an enemy, a coward and a traitor all for the sake of the so called "innocent, virtuous" woman. Good job.

 

[Blackmm]

Snitches get stitches and sometimes end up in ditches. Best to stay out of it.

 

[( . )( . )]

C@ckblocking white knights are as repulsive and dangerous as ugly leftist mustachioed feminists.

 

[bmp2cpm]

1) how do you know the wife didn't cheat first?
2) if you want to warn the guy that he needs to be less obvious, then do so

 

[Atom Smasher]

Also, women will shoot the messenger in cold blood (fuguratively) when he forces her to confront reality.

She could well do that instead of assigning responsibility where it belongs.

 

[samspade]

Agree with everyone - not your business and not your place. You have no idea what the real situation is.

This is much different from, say, physical abuse, wherein you would be morally if not legally obligated to report it.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

F*ck it. Tell her.

It's not his place to say something? Is it the husband's place to cheat an forsake his vows? Since we're going into rules he's breaking them, so sh!t, why not break them yourself?


I'd be anonymous about saying something because you could expect some blowback.

 

[speed dawg]

Keep your mouth shut. It's not your place.

If the wife comes to you and asks you for your opinion, call the husband and tell him that she did. If she comes back again, tell her then.