Groups, being popular, night scene and stuff...

[Lateralus]

I am 26 years old. When I look back to past years, I have mixed feelings. This year I ended a 5,5 year LTR, and I was faithful to her. So I'm like re-inventing myself right now.

Confidence is the key here, although I am very insecure. Something what I think is a root for my insecurity, is that I was never really a popular guy who was in the middle of 'the scene' in the nightlife. I have been experiencing the whole nightlife thing since I was 16, but most of the time I felt like an intruder. Going out with small groups of friends, or sometimes just with one friend, and we never really connected to the big social pipeline, that was going on in the clubs/cafés. There were always some associates around, but weren't really friends. Some nights I was thinking: what the f*ck am I doing here? Almost everyone seemed to know each other, and we were just some outsiders. My few friends were smoking weed all the time, and didn't care too much for the social aspect of life.

Sometimes I kind of hitchhiked with other groups, and it felt so different as my own small group. They knew everybody, they knew lots of chicks.

Things changed though. We started to get relationships, sex, and through the girlfriends we started to meet many other people. But the way we hung out at night in the weekend stayed the same: first go to the same 2/3 bars, then to the same club. Me and my friends were the core of this tiny independent social system, and sometimes other people started to hang out with us.

But still, I don't feel I'm part of the 'scene'. I wondered why. Yesterday I found that I actually, deep inside, don't want to be part of it. Me and my friends are just 'real' with each other. We talk a lot, very personal stuff, and we are in many ways different I believe. But when I was in this popular club yesterday, I just couldnt stand the atmosphere. It was like a goddamn reallife hot-or-not rating show. And everything was so fake. The few people I knew there were acting fake to me, and to each other.

But the dilemma is: this is where most of the HB go! But I don't want to be in those places, I don't want to be part of it. It ain't me... And at the same time I feel like **** about it, because I think it is a major influence on my chances with the chicks.

I asked my best friend: how come those popular guys, no matter how stupid they are, can get those HB8 and 9's so easily? He couldn't say more than: 'It is just the way it is... you refuse to be a popular guy, so you aren't going to get p*ssy as easily.'

So yeah I'm not a group person, I dislike that fake popular ****... but I still want to score now I'm single! I'm confused... Should I change or something?

 

[Boilermaker]

PATIENCE

PATIENCE

and

PATIENCE.


Relax.

Do things slowly.

Improve slowly. Slow improvement is permanent improvement. Be positive, you already KNOW what to do.

Increase action and REDUCE expectation

at least for some time.


People tend to do just the opposite and then complain.

 

[Jeffst1980]

You've already answered your question. If you want to go after the HB's you find in clubs, you are going to have to speak their language. This doesn't mean you are necessarily a "sell-out;" it just means you want to get laid and are willing to adopt a game plan to help you achieve this goal.

Alternatively, you can go to venues that are more comfortable for you--things like classes, small cafes, etc. Day game is usually a bit easier, anyway, and girls will tend to be more receptive of you.

I'm assuming you know this much, though, and are nonetheless drawn to clubs because there's a part of you that wants to BELONG. If that's the case, it might be helpful to remember that the people that first formalized the model of "pickup" were all brilliant outsiders, themselves. They don't "belong" to the nightlife scene any more or less than you do--but, they have enough social competence to give the illusion that they are right at home among unquestionably less intelligent people.

You can be an outsider and have TREMENDOUS success with women. In fact, a turning point for most guys is when they leave the safety of their social circle and set out on their own course. But, you still need to know how to reach people--you may feel silly and disingenuous running some routine on a 21 year old fashion student, but remember that your goal is to GET THE GIRL...not to prove that you're above such superficiality.

We are ALL fake, to some degree. You wouldn't talk to your mom like you would your best friend. This is a normal part of the human experience. If we extend this notion a bit further, it is perfectly acceptable to compartmentalize your social life: you can be "real" with your close friends, and you can be a social, fun guy with girls in a club. This doesn't have to compromise your dignity, and you can honest about the fact that you're a different person around your close friends...most people are!

I would suggest taking more chances to build your confidence in such venues--being single at 26 is the perfect time to step out of the wallflower role and start being the guy that other people talk about. Remember, you have nothing to lose.

 

[Julius_Seizeher]

You're 26 years old, the popularity contest ended with childhood.

Become a winner in the game of life - start a business, invest, make yourself. And in doing so, your new social proof will be real and indisputable.

 

[Colossus]

I can relate to you. You're an introvert. If you're like me you probably live much of your life in your own mind. This isnt necessarily a bad thing, but it can hold you back socially. We need to socialize too, and we tend to get that need met through a girlfriend or a few close friends.
It's kind of a catch-22....you genuinely dislike that kind of social atmosphere, but at the same time want the benefits it offers. Well, let me tell you from experience: you cannot make yourself like it. You are who you are. Accepting that will go a long way to making you more confident with yourself. BUT----that still doesnt solve the age-old problem, which is "where do I meet girls?"

I dont really have any one golden piece of advice for you, but I will tell you my own story. Once I accepted that fact about myself, I felt a lot more at ease. I'll be 30 in less than a year--I dont need to be ashamed of who I am anymore. So I go to places I like. They arent exactly the best places to pick up girls, and I dont care. I let go of that burden. I'll meet a girl where I meet a girl. Ive sown plenty of wild oats and it doesnt stab my ego if I'm not constantly getting laid. It's sort of a cultural lie that men NEED sex all the time. I think this is pushed a lot by women to reinforce their primary control module---sex. Think about it.

Being just out of a LONG relationship though, you wanna meet some girls and get back in saddle. I think that's awesome. So I'll tell you a few things: go to places that work for you, go often, and APPROACH. If you dont approach you will rarely get laid, just the way it is. It helps if you go with a friend who might be more of a player, this will get you into more conversations. Do whatever you have to do get the job done. Use canned lines if you need to. Waiting isnt going to make it suck any less---just do it. Once you get some success under your belt it wont seem so bad. Also be on the lookout for non conventional ways to meet girls, e.g. not bars and clubs. See a cute girl at a cafe, go back a couple times and establish a little rapport. Then ask her out. Remember, it's much easier to KEEP the ball rolling than it is to GET the ball rolling. Once you have a girl or two in the rotations, things get much easier.

Rejection is better than regret.

 

[Boilermaker]

You've already answered your question. If you want to go after the HB's you find in clubs, you are going to have to speak their language. This doesn't mean you are necessarily a "sell-out;" it just means you want to get laid and are willing to adopt a game plan to help you achieve this goal.

Alternatively, you can go to venues that are more comfortable for you--things like classes, small cafes, etc. Day game is usually a bit easier, anyway, and girls will tend to be more receptive of you.

I'm assuming you know this much, though, and are nonetheless drawn to clubs because there's a part of you that wants to BELONG. If that's the case, it might be helpful to remember that the people that first formalized the model of "pickup" were all brilliant outsiders, themselves. They don't "belong" to the nightlife scene any more or less than you do--but, they have enough social competence to give the illusion that they are right at home among unquestionably less intelligent people.

You can be an outsider and have TREMENDOUS success with women. In fact, a turning point for most guys is when they leave the safety of their social circle and set out on their own course. But, you still need to know how to reach people--you may feel silly and disingenuous running some routine on a 21 year old fashion student, but remember that your goal is to GET THE GIRL...not to prove that you're above such superficiality.

We are ALL fake, to some degree. You wouldn't talk to your mom like you would your best friend. This is a normal part of the human experience. If we extend this notion a bit further, it is perfectly acceptable to compartmentalize your social life: you can be "real" with your close friends, and you can be a social, fun guy with girls in a club. This doesn't have to compromise your dignity, and you can be honest about the fact that you're a different person around your close friends...most people are!

I would suggest taking more chances to build your confidence in such venues--being single at 26 is the perfect time to step out of the wallflower role and start being the guy that other people talk about. Remember, you have nothing to lose.

^^

This is a spectacular post. Very very insightful.

would rep you more if I could

 

[Lateralus]

First of all I would like to say that I am surprised by the reactions I have received. You really took some time to think and write, and I really appreciate that! Thanks!

@Boilermaker: Yes, you're right about patience. I'm in such a hurry lately. Guess I was/am a little desperate to fill the gap that was created by the break-up. We lived together in an appartement, I was basically part of her family, and now I live alone. It is a huge difference, believe me. But I'm already aware of the fact that I should accept this new situation and learn how to live alone. Increase action and reduce expectation. Very good advice!

@Jeffst1980: Very insightful post indeed! We ARE all fake to some degree. So actually I game the girl, but in addition to that I should game the whole scene with her, right? Eventually get some fake friends to do that superficial chit-chat with, and abusing them for social proof haha. When I was in that club, my nephew was there, he is a real player, and he had so much social proof just by the handshakes every 3 minutes of guys entering the club. I really was like... WTF? My nephew is definately more superficial than I am, more easy going, he cares a lot about his looks and street credibilty. He does that his whole life... I remember 10 years ago the huge difference between us: I was the playstation geek, he was the thug. An intelligent thug, 'cause he is the most intelligent familiy member. Anyway... I could pull it off maybe, but it will cost me a LOT of energy I think.
And yes, a part of me wants to belong. It's always a nice thing to be popular and get attention... And the goal is: the chicks. So yeah... why not fake to reach the goal. Let's say: the end justifies the means...

@Julius_Seizeher: Thanks for your reply! Hmm... sometimes I get my doubt when I enter clubs and see many 21+ people doing the same popularity contest over and over again. They just need to grow up, or something? But you are right and I already am busy making myself. I was doing that two years ago already, and yes it is a great confidence booster when you experience moments of succes. But I am very, very modest about it. I always need to prove to myself that I 'can do something'. I'm way more sensitive to critics.

@Colossus: Great post! Really different approach, directs more to accepting myself disliking those places and go to the places I like. Yes, I will always keep going to the places I like, but somehow the other advice that I got has motivated me to get out of the comfort zone more often. Actually, my friends have been pushing me lately, to go to other places to find some girls. Being an introvert (how come you guessed that?) makes it harder to meet new people, and build new friendships. But really, I'm working on it. Also, I'm kind of shy in some situations, sometimes anxious... But I'm going to give it a try, because I have nothing to lose as you said it. 'I meet a girl where I meet a girl'. I think is a good one. My interpretation is: that we should always be open to meet girls everywhere. In trains, buses, shopping malls, etc... Gotta get the ball rolling!

 

[Jeffst1980]

We ARE all fake to some degree. So actually I game the girl, but in addition to that I should game the whole scene with her, right? Eventually get some fake friends to do that superficial chit-chat with, and abusing them for social proof haha. When I was in that club, my nephew was there, he is a real player, and he had so much social proof just by the handshakes every 3 minutes of guys entering the club. I really was like... WTF? My nephew is definately more superficial than I am, more easy going, he cares a lot about his looks and street credibilty. He does that his whole life... I remember 10 years ago the huge difference between us: I was the playstation geek, he was the thug. An intelligent thug, 'cause he is the most intelligent familiy member. Anyway... I could pull it off maybe, but it will cost me a LOT of energy I think.

Don't think of it as being "fake," or that you're "using" others for social proof--just think of it as being a guy that brings value to any situation, regardless of whether or not it's your scene. Yes, you are doing it for the end goal of getting chicks, but you are also doing a favor to the people around you.

I used to look down upon people that I perceived to be vapid or shallow, too...but I've since learned that you can learn something from everyone, and building rapport with others is easier than you think. You don't have to be a "jersey shore" clone--just be a fun, social guy and you'll be valued wherever you go. Most people, especially those in their twenties, are NOT great with strangers, so if you can learn to make people feel comfortable around you immediately upon meeting them, you will be an asset to ANY social circle. Similarly, if you can approach girls without fear or trepidation, you will ALWAYS have a wingman. Don't think of what you can GAIN from others, think of what you can bring to the table. In doing so, you keep yourself from being dependent on friends, girlfriends, etc. for your social life.

 

[Lateralus]

Thanks again! Hmm, yes that is a much better mindset. I agree. I must admit that these things are kind of difficult for me. Being that fun, social guy and all... If you say it is much easier than I might think, then I believe you. I see this as a new challenge!

Yup, since I broke up with my ex, I really want to live life the fullest. :rockon:

 

[Julius_Seizeher]

It's great to see your new take, OP.

When in a relationship, there is a "moss" that grows over men. This "moss" is an analogy for dulled ambition, weakened senses, lack of lust for life.

When a relationship ends, and the sudden terrible pain abates, we begin to see what we have been missing.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Lateralus; society has all sorts of "social" arrangements that are provided as options...but there are many sub-cultures to life...if the clubbing scene isn't yours, you don't have anything wrong with you...there's a lot of interesting stuff out there.

Most clubs I've been to revolve around pophiphop blended with heavy quantities of alcohol...there are lots of chicks who are into different things than this...keep exploring yourself...as you meet new people in these new worlds you will likely meet more women.

 

[mrRuckus]

Also, I'm kind of shy in some situations, sometimes anxious... !

Shyness is often a learned trait inherited from parents.

And the cure for it is the same as for fear. Gradually increasing exposure. For example, if you can't have a conversation with strangers, start with saying "hi" to passerby and eventually that becomes easy and you progress on up to what really makes you scared and then surpass that too.

Back in the day I felt weird even saying hi to people i didn't know until I had a job at Target, and sometimes i'd have to cashier when it got super busy, and i was forced to say hi to people or look stupid (like some cashiers i go to who say nothing like jackasses), and it became not awkward to say at any time pretty damn fast. That's a lot of ands in a row.

 

[Lateralus]

Thanks guys!!

@Julius_seizeher: That is completely true. But there is a very dangerous trap that seduces me almost 24/7 to step in. The trap of the ex. Last month I heard that my ex wants me back. And she is smart... seducing me with some ****ing perfect sex, knowing exactly what I want and some other things I'm quite sensitive for. The sex trap... last months I have fallen in that trap multiple times. But once we were done, I instantly felt like ****. The sex was great, but you know... it's like three steps back. So I've gotta stay out of that ****.

@Buddha_Mind: Yeah... the pophiphop scene is really ****ty. I'm way more comfortable with the alternative (metal/rock) scene and pubs/cafes. And it is fun too: being in a place surrounded by girls and listening to your favourite music at the same time, haha. But the disadvantage here is that most HB8+ go to that pophiphop scene or other popular scenes. There are still many chicks in the alternative scene, and I should have my hands full of that .

@ mrRuckus: Thanks for the great advice! Just went grocery shopping and approached a HB9 girl at a book store. I was a little nervous, and she wasn't really talkative (maybe 'cause is it still early in the morning here, or whatever...). But it feels better. I think I just have to get into 'the flow'... Build it up slowly, and get used to it.

 

[Lateralus]

Sorry to bring this topic back up guys, but I really need to share what just happened. Like I wrote in my post: I ended a 5,5 year LTR this year. I basically try everything just to ****ing move on in life. Especially: to forget about my ex GF, and meet some new girls.

Today I talked to my buddy on the phone. His girlfriend was going downtown with two cute friends of hers. One of them a single HB7, and I like her! I was keeping her in my mind for a few weeks, until there was an opportunity to meet her. So I thought: BINGO! This is it! I prepared quickly, and went downtown to meet with my buddy and the girls.

They were eating, so I went into the restaurant.

Guess who's there...

My bloody ex GF was sitting there too! WTF!

I was boiling inside. I try ****ing everything to forget about her and move on, and there she is... Ruining my evening, ruining my game, she made me come downtown fo jack ****. She just sat there with her possesive, jealous attitude. I was so ****ing pissed off! My buddy saw me boiling, so he took me outside. Of course I was whining and complaining all the time, but yeah, that's what friends are for lol.

So me and my buddy where just walking around in the snow, downtown. I asked: can you call your GF and ask if my ex has joined them for the rest of the evening? Maybe I could have a chance after all... So he did. And yes... SHE stayed.

I spent some time with my buddy for a while, and went back home again. That's it. I really got angry and frustrated about this ****.

Thx.

 

[Julius_Seizeher]

It's just God's way of burning AFCness out of us.

If we were already 24K men, there would be no point for us to feel pain, remorse, fear, doubt, or anything negative at all; nature does not melt gold with no dross to remove.

 

[Lateralus]

Thanks.

I wish I could believe in God, then that would be a very easing thought because it would have been part of a plan.

But yeah: going through some **** and experiencing negative feelings makes us a lot tougher! I will not give up. I'm gonna watch Fight Club now...

 

[Buddha_Mind]

I definitely think everyone's gone through a breakup where afterwards, you have some overlapping interaction; this is not always pleasant but be relieved you did not marry her or have children, ect. Essentially, aside from these momentary negative encounters, you are a free bird.

 

[Jeffst1980]

Your buddy should've known better. From now on, let it be known that you don't want to hang out with your ex under any circumstances. There is no shame in saying this, and in the long run, it'll prevent lost opportunities like this one.

Don't give in to frustration--you will forget the ex in time. Keep in mind that she will continue to "show up" in your life if you don't put a stop to it--do not accept her friendship in any terms, or agree to "catch up." Getting over an ex consists mainly of avoiding her. This can be tough when there are mutual friends involved, but a real friend should understand where you are coming from.