Group Dynamics

[Diaoz]

Hi guys, I'm determined to get out of my comfort zone, and need your suggestions.

Note: I've re-read the bible, searched through some old posts and began looking at books on Amazon. If you have a good post or book to recommend, please do still tell me, except that this isn't completely about getting girls, but about Don Juanism.


Okay you see, a couple of months back I attended this workshop. Some of the participants already knew each other and hence are comfortable in their own clique. The remaining found ways to talk to each other and also assembled their little groups.
I, while smiling and talking when people approach me, kept to myself mainly. Bad mistake I know.
So anyway the thing is, when lunchtime came, everyone else pretty much had partners while I had to go lunch myself. Basically it went on throughout the following days of the course, and I end up being perceived as a loner and/or anti-social.


Now the time has come again, I have another such workshop coming up in Summer and want to do much better.
This time around, more people would have already know each other, so I'm learning how to break the ice.

I know a good impression counts so I'm gonna dress well and walk in with confidence on the first day.
Now some questions:
1.) When I walk in, I know I should immediately start talking, but should I target the groups or the other individuals alone. Would also appreciate conversation-openers and techniques.
2.) Come lunchtime, how do I get partners?
You see, as mentioned during the first workshop, I was rather open to social interactions and people didn't HATE me. But when lunchtime came, everyone seems to already know where to go to meet their friends. So I ended looking really awkward not knowing where to go to look for people to go with. It's like everyone else just walks, sees someone and go for lunch together.

Thanks

 

[Diaoz]

 

[Qmanchoo]

Personally, based upon your post and what that says to me...I'd try to talk to everyone in the place for a short time instead of keeping up long conversations.

"Hey, whets up...I'm Diaoz, have you done this kind of thing before? Where you from? Man...I remember last year this funny thing happened here...(tell a story)" Then when you're done say something like "nice meeting you I'm gonna mingle a bit, see ya"

until you find someone who is obviously really interested in talking to you and just kind of keep it flowing.

That way you'll have some social value with the people around you since you're being social with everyone and when you finally friend that person will be more receptive.

I mean, you're not even trying to pick up women here you're just being social...you can do whatever you want...as long as it wouldn’t make Michael Jackson proud.

 

[catch]

hiya mate hows it goin?

just let me say, i know exactly how you feel, i used to be shy, timid and very self consious...
is that like you now??? well there are millions of people who are the same, its not a good or bad thing...

so your like me, i want to be social, make friends and talk to different people... so you probably think, whats the SECRET behind popular people??????

why do some people seem to BE GREAT AT THIS???

its actually VERY SIMPLE... altho it seemed like years for me to realise it it is really easy....

its just a matter of time.

i found that if you PAY ATTENTION TO OTHER PEOPLE instead of yourself, and really focusing on other people, the people your with... it counteracts the self consiousness....

BECOME PEOPLE CONSIOUS, and self consiousesness will fade away......

how, you ask????

well, you should develop the skill that all people that are great at these skilles have... and thats genuinly becoming interested in the peiople you talk to... find out what makes them tick, there hobbies interests.... there goals and ambitions....

people are often flatterd by someone who has BECOME GENUINLY INTERESTED IN THEM, and they always open up and become friendly.

now this skill, wont just happen, over night... like i said its just a matter of time.... GET GOOD AT IT!

 

[Sometimes]

I second this...

When im in a conversation and keep my focus within myself (thinking things like, "dont worry, you'll get better soon"; "this is just practice so it doesnt count"; "I wonder what im going to say next"; "this conversation is going crap"; "I wonder if he/she likes me"; etc etc) the conversation stalls and it gets awkward.

But if you focus entirly on the person (block EVERYTHING else out) your conversation skills will go up up up! If you do it well enough you can even get deep rapport! Try it!!!

 

[JazzPimpNYC]

The best advice that I can give you is that you should put yourself in situatuations EVERY DAY that allow you to interactact and socialize with other people. I'm kind of a hybrid of the reserved home-body and social fanatic. I love to paint and play jazz guitar, so I'm alone most of the time and my social life and social value decreases. However, I just got a new job that requires me to interact with customers and co-workers all day long, and instantly I'm feeling more comfortable and confident when I interact with ANYONE in ANY SETTING. I could walk up to a stranger and giv 'em a hug.

 

[thefonz]

OK I have a comment......when I do talk to people and get them talking about themselves (I'm good at doing this) they have this tendency to keep talking and NEVER SHUT UP!!! I don't geta chance to reveal myself. How to remedy this?

 

[BigDawg]

Originally posted by Diaoz
Hi guys, I'm determined to get out of my comfort zone, and need your suggestions.

...

Now the time has come again, I have another such workshop coming up in Summer and want to do much better.
This time around, more people would have already know each other, so I'm learning how to break the ice.

...

Thanks

I have a recommendation. Since you called your thread, "Group Dynamics," I immediately thought of the classic movie, "Twelve Angry Men," starring Henry Fonda. The whole movie is about group dynamics. Twelve jurors with very different backgrounds and opinions deliberate a murder case and the way they interacted was just amazing. Apparently, some corporations use this movie as a training film in workshops to help employees build esprit de corps. So, if you watch the movie, it might give you a couple of ideas about the nature of interactions between strangers.

Cheers

 

[Diaoz]

Hey guys, thanks alot, wasn't expecting so many good replies since no one replied the first time around.

I really appreciated the advice, while I understood the concept of just talking and talking to others about themselves, the replies reminded me the importance.

I'll try to get hold of "Twelve Angry Man" too.

However just some more questions though, do you think it's better to go to the already formed cliques or to the new individuals just like me?

And how do I go about actually getting to lunch together. There's probably just a short time before the course (where the people early are sitting around) to talk to whoever I managed/dared to.
Then it's the actual course and come lunchtime, as mentioned in the previous post, everyone else seemed to know where to go and find their lunch partners while I always stand there stoned and awkward.

 

[catch]

hey man, we could answer your questions until the cows come home...

so instead, you can find you the answers out yourself. practice approaching people and talking to them.

just remember one thing when you approach some one.

s
o
f
t
e
n

S= smile,
a genuine smile indicates you are friendly, social, and would like to talk...

O= open body language
open gestures indicate honesty, confidence, so never cross your arms and keep your hands away from your face... be open to the people you talk to.

F=forward lean
leaning forward indicates you are interested and you are listening to the other person. people become addicted to your posotive attention.

T= touch
a warm handshake, or the famouse friendly slap on the arm indicate you like them and that you are friendly..

E= eye contact
good eye contact has some very misterious effects on people, it signifies confidence, honest, and friendlyness

N= nod
nod your head when talking to indicate your listening and your interested in what they say..