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Got into an exclusive relationship after 10 years of casual dating

Dr.Rocanlover

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Hi there.

Long time lurker first time poster. Long post coming, if you get something from it, good, if you can tell me what you would´ve done differently or give advice, great.

30 years old. Hate going to the gym (sucks, I know). Really bad at playing "the game".

I was in a serious relationship for a year when I was 20, she had almost every trait of a "unicorn" (a solid 9, smart, young, had not have many relationships, loved housekeeping and cooking, came from a nice family etc.) except she was not submissive, she wanted to be the "boss" in the relationship, my guess is she learned it from her parents:
Her dad hardly spoke at all and he gave all of his hard earned money to the wife, who made all the desicions in the family.
The only other real red flag was that she wanted to break up everytime we had an argument. Over a year she broke up with me 9 times. I loved her but enough was enough and I went No Contact.
She had couple of boyfriends after me and then after a year and a half she reached out, we went for coffee. She begged (while crying) for us to resume our relationship. I said no. At the time I felt I could do better, and that I deserved better. To this day I´d like to think I made the right choice.

After that I dedicated myself to my studies. Finished my Doctorate at 25, thought it would get me more girls. It didn't, but it did give me a little more confidence I guess.

Over the years I got an ocational ONS or friends with benefits here and there but for some reason struggled to get another serious relationship (I wanted it, but the girls I had ONS with and my friends with benefit didn´t). Then, last August matched with this 7-8 on Tinder. Texted for a few days and got her number.

Then we went out on a sunday that neither of us had nothing better to do. We went to a new mall and walked for a bit. Then we went to dinner at a restaurant neither of us had tried before. We hit it off, laughed a lot, and I made some kino. After dinner we started walking and she was like "Wait, were are we going?" I said "I assumed we were going to my car and take you home" (I know, I could´ve said something better). She said ok.

Went no contact for three days and then I texted her: "Now that we had our first date, How long was I suppose to wait before texting you?" She laughed a lot. Then I asked if she had plans on Saturday, she said no. "Well now you do" I said. Went out for drinks. I sat very close to her and started kissing her neck/shoulder and rested my hand in her waist, kind of touching part of her butt . She was surprised I did that, but I think she liked it.

Third date went to the movies, more neck/shoulder kissing, hand in waist and some hand holding. Fourth date I started hugging her when I felt like it. Fifth date she took a picture of us. Next date we became exclusive.

I like this girl and I like being in a relatioship, but there are some red flags.

- When we go out she hardly ever offers to pay for her share. I want her to invest more in the relationship (economically).
- She has a lot of male orbiters and its obvious she loves the attention and/or validation she gets from them. On rare occasion she also uses them to buy her stuff or trades up her cell phone with theirs. Sometimes she gets small gifts from male co-workers for no reason. When I don´t pick her up at her job, male co-workers give her a lyft home.
- She´s divorced (but didn´t have any kids, she doesn´t have any "younger siblings" either)
- She catched an STD from an ex, it almost gave her cancer.
- She´s very "enojona", she gets mad/annoyed for a lot of things all the time.
- Not sure if this is a red flag but she´s always bugging me to lose weight, eat healthier and hit the gym.
- She´s very possesive. She says she likes if we go out at least 4 times a week. When we don´t see each other, she loves to be in constant communication by texts but mainly phone calls.
- She ocassionally mentions how her mom and the rest of her family keep bugging her to settle down and have kids (she´s 27, turning 28 next May). One time she told me that she that a few years ago she had this plan that if she was still single by 27-28, she was going to become a single mom.
- She only has like 3 girlfriends. Claims she only gets along with men so that´s why she only has 3 girlfriends and the rest of her friends are men.
- She rarely wants to get on top when we have sex. Claims she doesn´t like that position.

Maybe there are a couple more of red flags I´m missing but those are the ones I remeber right now. Advice? I really don´t want to break up after a ten years without a serious relationship.
 

Roober

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Sounds like...
-the sex does not meet your standards
-no other women find her interesting enough to be her friend, although 3 friends isn't really that bad
-possessive is usually a red flag for controlling women.. She is likely very insecure
-she has male orbiters AND they buy her things... I don't feel like I need to explain how bad this is... having orbiters is one thing, using them to get things is a different level...

Sounds like a plate, not LTR material...

Don't compromise yourself, and don't buckle for the mediocre sex that she offers...

Should have sexed by third date

Should not have become exclusive. I am guessing you requested it?
 

billtx49

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except she was not submissive, she wanted to be the "boss" in the relationship, my guess is she learned it from her parents:
Her dad hardly spoke at all and he gave all of his hard earned money to the wife, who made all the desicions in the family.
The only other real red flag was that she wanted to break up everytime we had an argument.
You answered your own question. She was raised surrounded by a really skewed relationship. She has no idea what the proper role models in a relationship are.
Then the question becomes do you really want to be with her and become her little b**ch like her Dad was with her mother.
She will likely not change. It's why she does the break up talk when you disagree with her. You do not fit her mental image of what the mans part should be in your relationship.
 
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QuadDeuces

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Sounds like problems and stress coming ahead and a huge lack of respect.
She is telling you about male orbiters and gift bearing male collegeaus to keep you on your toes and best behaviour.
She is also treating you as a beta provider she feels she can boss you around, meanwhile flirting with other men. (Men won't give gifts to women who aren't returning their flirtations) massive disrespect.
 

soulforge

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Just reading your list of red flags, scares the crap out of me.. and i thought i had fuking problems

The only red flags my ex displayed where..

Taking the odd argument too seriously to the point of breaking up.

Also bad communicator and could be thoughtless and rude..


Dude you need to run for the fukin hills.. this is serious trouble heading your way!
 

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SmooveMooves

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Looks like you jumped into the first hint at a LTR you could find because you're worried about having casually dated for 10 years. This relationship will not work. The red flags are too severe and you know it yourself. Staying in the relationship for any considerable amount of time would just be you lying to yourself.

If she's is recommending that you goto the gym then that tells me you aren't in shape. You need to be. If you want a successful LTR you need to improve yourself to put you at the highest value you can obtain. That way you can date other women who match your high value or date slightly lower valued women who will be good LTR material and loyal. Good luck with the headaches and stress that will come from constantly thinking about her orbiters.
 
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