Got Dumped? Why Breaking up is the BEST SH*T that can Ever happen in your Life!

[Lotus Effect]

Hey Guys!!

Long time no see huh? So anyway, this is going to be a long and most likely harsh post, but I'm guessing it maybe helpfull, so cope with me!

First of all, I just want you guys to know that I'm only writing this because I've been reading the last posts on the NC thread, and they all seem too emotional, romantic, and very Breaking NCish...
I just want you ALL to know, that this is a BAD idea.

On with the post.

I'm not sure where to start, so, as always, I'll use my story as example. I guess I can say that I'm in the acceptance phase now. I can't say I have moved on, but I'm doing really well without her, and I'm catching myself thinking about her far less than before... Hell, sometimes, I even think to myself "Holy sh*t, I haven't thought about her today!"

If you don't know me, or you don't recall my backstory, she dumped me 8 months ago. We tried for another month, until I found out she was cheating on me 6 1/2 months ago, and I dont talk to her for almost 4 months now.

So what I can tell you is, it takes a long while for you to heal. But it all begins with you. It comes from inside of you. It DOES matter what you do. My healing process only begun when I've cutted contact with her 4 months ago, quited my dead end job, got back "in the field" and joined a gym!

If you keep looking at old pictures, keep snooping her Facebook profile, keep reading old letters, and keep all the material things she gave you, you will not move on. You will be stuck, forever loving the "One who got away"

Seriously. I did a lot of stupid sh*t to get back together with her. I tried to arrange coffee dates, I've planed text messages and phone calls, I lied about job interviews I had to get her excited about the new me, I had a notebook with getting back progress, bought online programs... anyway, loads of bullsh*t that I don't recomend anyone on doing. (The only thing I haven't done was begging, but at that point, it was almost the same thing!)

But I have only done that sh*t for 2 months. And then I decided moving on, never to see or speak to her again. And yeah, she was a cold heartless b*cth, but I don't see her as my enemy. I just cut all (and when I say all, I mean I burned down every gift, every letter, every plan, every photo all) contact, because is the only way to get better. TO MOVE ON!

And I can, 100% sure, tell you. Being dumped, cheated on, and heartbroken, was, without a doubt, THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPENED IN MY LIFE!

Now, you may ask, but didn't you loved her?
Do you really enjoy being single, without her in your life?

Well, I did loved her. Sadly, in fact, I kind of still love her. But the girl I love, is a girl that is in the past, and I, like all of us, don't live in the past. I know now, that if I got back together with her, I would be loving a ghost of that girl. She can never be again who she once was.
And in fact, I did still would be like to be with her. I don't like being single. I would much more rather be with her right now watching an HBO sunday movie eating cheese popcorn than be writing this text down.
But I'm not...

She selfishly decided that things were not working out, and I can only do what a real man can do. Which is accept it.

Do you think I wanted to have hooked up with 60+ chicks?
Do you think I wanted to have to worry every night about pulling out a new chick?
Do you think I wanted to have a threesome with 2 random chicks?
That I wanted to have 2 chicks that I can make out with anytime, in the same room?
That I wanted to hit the gym?
To have abandoned my family business because I was not very found of it?
That I have to worry about what I eat? What I say to people? To "game" again?
That I wanted to do meditation?
That I wanted to be seen by other people as a relationship guru?

MY ASS!! I did not wanted any of this...
All I wanted was to be with her. That all this breakup phase was just a bad dream, and that I would wake up tomorrow with her in my arms. But I'm not. And this is life!

But let's put things in perspective.
In one side, I have personnal growth, social development, body health...
And on the other side I only have ego validation...

Think about what is more valuable??

And that is why I say that the breakup was the best sh*t that ever happened to me. Because I improved. Because I grew up! I was nothing but a boy, who wanted to live in confort, and being dumped forcefully got me out there, to take control of my life. To grow a pair!

And NO. It is not an easy feat! It is HARD AS F*CK!

But each day you don't talk to her is a day you are learning to move on. Each day you don't talk about her, is a day you are moving on. God damn it, each day, you don't log onto THIS WEBSITE to visit this No Contact challenge thread, is a day you are learning to forget about her. (In fact, this is an excellent thing to do. Take a break from SoSuave, because, logging in here, is a constant reminder of being dumped, of bitterness, of No Contact itself. Have I not logged here today, I would have totally forgoten that I'm "no contact". I would have thought of this day as just another regular day!)

So, to all of you wanting to give in, to call her, email her, answer her text, whatever. Do not do it. I've done once, and all that it does is bring you back to day 1.
Yes, numero uno amigo! And a sh*tstorm follows that!

And I can tell you all. These days, have not been the very best of my life. I'm current Jobless, broke and afraid of looking into my bank account 'cause sh*t must be awful down there, and even that I have made out with two chicks last friday, I'm in a 3 weeks sex dry spell right now (and I've broken a rib).

To top all that, my Ex name is not a very usual name here in Brazil. In fact, before meting her, I have never met or heard about a chick with the same name as her.
There are few Claras here in Brazil, seriously.

Now guess what?
That TV show, Big Brother. Guess what is the name of the slutiest chick in the house, that even have porn sites on the web...? Yup, it is Clara.
And the new Prime Time Soap Opera, which is a HUGE thing here in Brazil. Guess what is the protagonist is name?? Of course, it is f*cking Clara as well.
And to top that, the f*cking plot is about her being in a relationship with a dude that loves her so much, and she, on the other hand, is feeling unsure about her feelings so now she is cheating on him! Yay! :cheer:

Now, I'm going to have to hear this f*cking name now for the whole year (Since Big Brother is 3 months long, and the Soap opera something around 8 months)

So yeah! Things are not all that great for me!

But once again, this is life. There is nothing I could do about it, unless moving on with my life. Keep looking for a job. Hitting the gym, and the chicks. Reading great books and learning new sh*t! And that is it! Period.

You may still love her, or you don't. You may be finding that letting go and forgeting about her is way too difficult...
I'm sorry to tell you dude. It is! When you start to forget about her, life kicks in, and put her name in a f*cking soap opera for the whole next year!

It is not easy, and life won't make it easy on you mate!
With this, and with any other thing in your life!

And that is what makes breaking up (being dumped) the best sh*t that can ever happen in your life.

Because it is a tough challenge you WILL have to overcome. It is a hard feat!!!!
It's like being cripple and swimming across the english channel. It's like being a white dude in the NBA and getting a MVP.

It is a beaten up you, and your wounded ego, against that urge to pickup the phone and "just call", or text, or walk by her house. Whatever!

Shut the f*ck up. Straighten your head.
Pick yourself up, and KNOCK THAT B*TCH OF AN URGE DOWN!

You will rise anew.
You will grow strong.
You will never be in this postion again.
You will be experienced.
You will be though...

...You will thank me later!

Peace guys!

 

[Hogwild]

Thanks for the post. I have a question. What do you think about breaking up with a girl yourself and not the other way(being dumped).? Im in a relationship where my girlfriend is low interest but is too scared to break up with me. The problem is I care, I can't stand the feeling of being with a cold girl who i care so much about, she does not show me affection. But I too don't want to initiate the break because I may regret it for the rest of my life!. I hear what your saying, but I feel that things might change(dumper vs dumped) if I made the choice to end it rather than she(if the choice was hers, ie nothing I could do). I dont think she will, but I have been thinking what I should do. I wanna not care but its hard to not care and still wonder about the relationship, there is nothing definitive! Not to hijack your great post, but do you think you could have broken up with her and still feel the way you do? It would have been your choice, and this relates to what goes through my mind these days..

 

[El Payaso]

I try to enjoy any relationship I get into but ever since I started frequenting all these PUA/red pill websites and forums and reading up articles, I just have this mindset of anticipating breakups even before the relationship begins!

It's really unhealthy and I should just try to enjoy the ride but I'm like one of us is going to breakup with each other anyway so what's the point? I really need to stop thinking that way.

 

[Lotus Effect]

There ain't much to be done in fact man!

Thanks for the post. I have a question. What do you think about breaking up with a girl yourself and not the other way(being dumped).? Im in a relationship where my girlfriend is low interest but is too scared to break up with me. The problem is I care, I can't stand the feeling of being with a cold girl who i care so much about, she does not show me affection. But I too don't want to initiate the break because I may regret it for the rest of my life!. I hear what your saying, but I feel that things might change(dumper vs dumped) if I made the choice to end it rather than she(if the choice was hers, ie nothing I could do). I dont think she will, but I have been thinking what I should do. I wanna not care but its hard to not care and still wonder about the relationship, there is nothing definitive! Not to hijack your great post, but do you think you could have broken up with her and still feel the way you do? It would have been your choice, and this relates to what goes through my mind these days..

I understand your feeling man!

Right before she dumped me, I was not enjoying the relationship anymore. She was cold and distant, and thanks to that, I also thought about breaking up with her. In fact, the day prior of her dumping me she acted so distant, and I got so pissed that I thought to myself "I'm breaking up with her tomorrow".

The thing is, you don't want to break up with her, the same way I did not, because you still like/love her. You just want to break up with her, because of her cold/distant behaviour.

Of course you might regret it later, but trust me, if you don't break up with her man, sooner than you expect, she will break up with you. When a girl reaches this point of low interest (The point being so cold that YOU are considering to break up with her) is because it is over in her mind already.

The only reason for you to be in a relationship with her still is because she, being a woman, is not that strong willed, and she is gathering the courage to dump you, throughout little fights, and positive reinforcement from her friends and family.

Trust me, if you don't dump her, she will.

Now, I don't believe that there is any difference at all, because what will happen is the "industry standart". She will take a break away from you in any of the two situations, and will most likely ride someone else's c0ck. Than she will get confused and sad, and will try to reach you.

If you give in, you will have crazy animal sex for a week, or a month, but ever since she tried it out with someone else, her mind is already f*cked and she will become cold/distant/indifferent again.
If you don't give in, she will beg for your attention for a while (which could be months to years, depending on the girl) then she will hate you and move on, and in some near future, she will find a way of showing up in your life again.

So in fact Hog, it does not matter what you do now. It only matters how you act afterwards. So be prepared for going No Contact. Be prepared to feel hurt because you lost someone you really had a connection. Because sadly, is the only thing you can really do after all!

The only bad thing that can happen if you don't dump her, is you being cheated on, which is very likely as her interest level go down.

In my experience, I cannot tell that I was cheated while she was with me, only after she asked for a break, and then we got back. When we got back together she was banging another dude. But before that, I have no empirical proof. But even that she was not cheating on me, she was already with that in mind, because she even made me the favour of introducing me to the Motherf*cker once.

Anyway, take all of that with a grain of salt. I'm only telling you this from my experience, and from things I have seen happening in my friends relationships.

Peace!

 

[zekko]

Another way to look at this is when one door closes, another one opens.

Having a relationship is great, but when it ends it also opens up opportunities to meet new women and have new adventures. Don't sit around and wallow in the past, she's not going to. She'll probably sit down, have a good cry, and then move on with her life.

There's pros and cons to everything. With girls it's the relationship or freedom, both have an advantage. You just have to go with the flow. Find the silver lining. Another saying is that when God closes a door he opens a window.

 

[StuffofLegends]

Beyond awesome thoughts, Lotus Effect! Brutally honest but it's the brutal truth! Thanks so much for this gem of reality and encouragement!!

 

[sph21]

I love your revelations about "loving her past self" and "just chasing her shadow". Thank you for that. You're awesome.

 

[Lotus Effect]

The real truth behind this revelation sph21, is that in fact the girl you loved never existed.

She was a projection of your expectations. Let me break it down (It might get confusing)

The girl was real, but the feelings and what you felt was your creation:
- from the times you were with her,
- from the times you were away from her,
- By you being, most likely, inexperiencied with love. And so you projected all your hopes, dreams, and disney movies beliefs on her. (*read inexperience)

Of course she, being just a human being, could not live up to those expectations.

So chasing this girl to have something back, is in fact chasing those expectations that you've projected on her!

And even worse. It can never be the same again because you changed, she changed as well, and specially...

You will be chasing those past expectations. Which is bad 'cause:
- Firstly, she was not able to live up once;
- Secondly she changed and she won't be able to live up now;
- And thirdly and most important, since you've changed, your expectations changed as well.

So when and if you got her back, your nowadays expextations will conflict with your past expectations. And a sh*tstorm will follow.
Again you will be looking back for a past experience, that it is not there anymore. For a long time.

Bottomline, it can never work again.
Only if she changed so much that all the expectations live up, and vice versa.

Which I believe is rare!

Cheers! And thank you mate! You are awesome as well!
Also thank you Stuff'O! Welcome to one of the hardest sh*t you will ever endure!

 

[Shaka]

Hey Guys!!

Take a break from SoSuave, because, logging in here, is a constant reminder of being dumped, of bitterness, of No Contact itself.

I think you are right on that one.
NC thread helped me. But I still log everyday and look the thread. I wanna help the others too.
Especially right now when a lot of members are breaking NC.

But I think it also slows my healing process because it acts as a reminder of my EX.

 

[Lotus Effect]

Mate, I fell you...

It take some time for you to get in that state of mind. The NC Thread is really helpfull, and I've logged daily for quite a while!

Anyway, when you get to that point, you will log much less in here. In fact, as I haven't stated yet, I just came back here because a friend of mine stumbled upon my ex and she said some stuff to him that got me back in time as he then told me!

Anyway, sosuave is a escape valve, and sometimes you need months of it. Sometimes you don't need it at all.

It is been very helpfull for me. Back then. And now as well.

When you don't fell the need to log anymore, you just won't.

 

[rascal99v]

I agree with the part of moving on with your life, but this thread mostly sounds like an ego stroke to massage your bruised and broken ego.

You are making it sound that being dumped is a good thing which it is not. You should never allow yourself to get dumped in the first place. That means you were being a AFC/beta and your woman rejected you for a better man. That is not a good way to be behaving.

When you're being treated like sh1t, you leave on your own terms. Don't stick around to be dumped. That is your fault for allowing that to happen. That is not the best thing to happen to you. Always accept responsibility for your mistakes.

You didn't address anything about changing who you are. Moving on is fine, but all your problems aren't going to go away unless you change who you are. If you don't change what you were doing wrong with your last woman, that will carry over into your next relationship where the same thing will happen again.

Words of encouragement are fine, but if you're not working on yourself to be a better man, those words don't mean a damn thing. Those words are only there to massage your bruised ego.

The best thing you can do is accept what happened, then fix your mindset to become a better man. If you're not fixing anything, you are still that same AFC/beta who will still make the same mistakes.