"She Laughed All Night. Then She Ghosted You. Here's Why."
Dinner ran three hours. She laughed at everything. You walked her to her car thinking this one's locked in.
Then: nothing. Two texts. No reply. What happened?
You did what most men do on a great date. You filled every silence, answered every question, and left her with nothing to wonder about. No mystery. Nothing to sit with when she got home.
Rule 3 of the "22 Rules" changes the ending: tell her a little, hold back the rest, and let her imagination do the chasing. The ghosting stops too.
Going TOO FAST????
- Thread starter Mike (RC)
- Start date
"I just moved here from Florida."
That sentence contains at least five follow-up questions she WANTS you to ask. Where in Florida? What brought you here? How long have you been in the area? What do you miss? How does it compare to here?
She handed them to you on a silver platter. And you said, "Oh cool. I come here every week. I love this band. Ummm... pretty crowded tonight."
She smiled politely. Nodded. And never texted you back.
I was that guy for years. Talking too much. Listening too little. Panicking about my next sentence while she was literally feeding me the answers.
Then I found 22 rules that fixed the whole thing. Rule number one: shut up and listen. She'll tell you exactly what to say.
Austin Allegro
Master Don Juan
I'd say the best thing to do is just say 'ok, let's slow things down' and cut off all contact.
That is nothing more than an assumption. You have NO idea why she think you're going to fast until you dig further. Personally, I think it USUALLY has nothing to do with her just wanting to be your friend because if it did, she wouldn't be making out with you at all.
Like I said, every single girl and situation is different, so first you want to figure out exactly WHAT is bothering her. Why is it too fast? What are her fears? What is holding her back? Again, you have to figure that if she's making out with you, it has nothing to do with lack or attraction, else she wouldn't be there. So there is another threat that is lingering that you've failed to address.
Maybe it's because she's afraid you won't have respect for her if she does too much with you too fast, since she sees potential in having something meaningful with you. Maybe she is afraid that you'll go around blabbling to everybody about what you did with her and she's worried about what people will think of her. Maybe she doesn't want you to just hit it and leave and before she shares that something that she considers 'special', she wants to make sure that your feelings are the same.
You can't just assume that it's one or the other until you've found out for sure. And once you have, THEN you can start doing the work to address and remove the threat so that the both of you can enjoy yourselves.
xblitz44x, I have a different viewpoint on this. I'd have to side more with what Austin Allegro and JohnJones stated but for slightly different reasons.
Whenever my wife is angry about something, my natural inclination is to do exactly what you stated; ask questions and figure out what's wrong. This solution usually backfires. Continually prying and asking questions about what's going on in her mind only aggrivates her even more, and in her mind, only proves to her how "out of touch" I am.
I've since learned that if something is bothering her (usually something in which I screwed up) I backtrack MY OWN ACTIONS without asking her what's wrong. I then say, "You seem angry about something. If its something I said or did, you need to tell me..." I then proceed to GIVE HER SPACE.
If it is me, she tells me and we work things out. If its not me, then she is given space so she can figure things out ON HER OWN. Even though I'm her husband I cannot solve all of her problems.
Although to a much lesser extent, Mike's situation is similar. If a girl says, "We're moving too fast." a good reaction would be "Sure I can slow down, but I'm not gonna stop. Things can only flow as fast or as slow as you want them to."
I'm of the opinion that "We're moving too fast" means exactly that. Don't be Captian Save-a-Ho. No reason to go nuts trying to figure out all the variables of why she said it. Just slow things down like she asked and perhaps date other girls in the meantime while she gains more of a comfort level with you.
"She's Out of Your League"
You've said it a hundred times. Maybe a thousand. And every time you say it, you train your brain to freeze the next time she walks into the room.
Leagues are a myth invented by guys who are scared of women.
She's a person. She has bad breath in the morning. She picks songs she can't sing in the shower. She overthinks her own texts.
Walk over. Say something. The league dissolves the second you open your mouth.
Allegro's advice was that it usually means that the girl doesn't like him, that she just wants to be his friend...and he suggested that he stop dating her all together. I don't agree with that advice AT ALL because you really have no idea what is bothering her. To assume that (while she's making out with you) she doesn't want to take things further because she's 'unattracted' to you is kinda silly because if she wasn't attracted she wouldn't be jamming her tongue down his throat to begin with.
Also, I agree with you and never said "Ask her what is wrong". In fact, if you do, and start to immediately do shyt to combat that...she will pick up on it and she won't trust a damn thing out of your mouth because she'll assume you're saying things just to bed her.
But you can figure out what is bothering her and stopping her from going further but simply paying attention. She will, (and has) given hints as to what is concerning her even before she stops you. If you can figure out what is bothering her, and neutralize it, you should be able to take things further.
Lastly, I didn't mean it to sound like I recommend pounding her with 'reassurance' during the actual make-out session. Depending on WHAT the actual threat is, it may take some time.
maranathaman
Master Don Juan
I wonder how your wf would feel about it?
I'm assuming Mike has just met this girl. For that reason alone, Mike should take the girl's "hints" with a grain of salt because he simply doesn't know yet what those "hints" mean. Just as no means no, slow down means slow down. No dialated eyes. No body language to read. Until he knows her better, Mike shouldn't try snooping for hidden meanings behind what she says or does.
In contrast, I can pick up "hints" on why my wife is angry because I've known her for YEARS. And even then I find it best to sometimes ignore those "hints".
She knows and is perfectly fine with it. Married guys need to know how to stay married, right?
I've been here since my senior year in college. Sosuave opened my eyes to a few things so I give back by spending a few minutes a day modding this place. You guys certainly don't make it easy, like when you divert the attention of an entire thread by asking questions irrelevant to the topic!
If the former (affectionately dubbed the ASD) there are tons of posts here about how to do it (and slowing down is one of them).
If the latter, and its a LJBF situation, then the responses above give you an idea of what people think and what has worked for them.
"How I Made Sure No Woman Ever Friend-Zoned Me Again"
She calls you when her car breaks down. When she needs help moving. When some guy she's actually dating treats her badly.
You're the listener. The reliable one. The guy who would treat her so much better, if she'd just open her eyes.
She won't. You trained her to see you as the low-effort option — the friend who requires zero risk and zero investment. Every favor dug the hole deeper.
The "22 Rules" break the pattern. You'll stop auditioning for a role she already cast and become the man she chases instead. It starts with Rule 1.
I agree with xblitz here. It's crazy what you say because it sort of applies to a situation I was just in a few days ago. I was with a girl I met on the internet through some friends. We talked for a few weeks, just social banter, flirting, etc. She then got pretty serious on me. She contacted me all the time, and things progressed to the point where I went to see her. Before this, however, she went away for the weekend. Anyways, she came back and things seemed more distant. However, I went to see her anyways. We were very touchy feely and she hugged me all the time, etc. She was very into me. However, she suddenly got very dodgy and totally avoided me. She said she was freaking out and that was the way she dealt with it. However, she did tell me she liked me, but needed to be friends with me because she was really afraid (I'm guessing she's afraid of getting hurt).
It's hard to say whether that meant that she didn't want to be with me or that she just needed to take things slower. I mean, this stuff is not always black and white, so you can't generalize. I'm going to give her some space and see what happens. Don't assume she doesn't like you if there are actions saying otherwise. Girls can be very emotional and very heady, especially the ones who have been through a lot of grief (there aren't many who haven't, I guess) so give them a little time and space. Take things slow and don't try to force things to go faster. That seems to be the only effective way to deal with this.