Going to girlfriend every evening

[guest915]

Edit: Someone on the internet suggested me to post that question at this specific forum. That's why I'm here.
Also, we are dating for one and a half year.

I have a girlfriend question. I just sometimes don't know what's normal and what's ok.

Here are the circumstances as short as I can:
We are both 21, studying at different universities.
She's living in a living community, me at parents house (because I'm too dumb to study and work at once).
I need 1 hour in total to get to her. (It doesn't cost me money cause of longterm train ticket)
Need 1 hour (other direction) to get to university.

The following situation occours a lot:
I go home after studying. When she arrives home she always wants me to get to her in the evening. Till today I did it almost every time.
Situation today:
Today I wanted to do sports with my friends. But they did cancel it.
No I know when I tell her she will insist that I go to her.

It always ends with me going to her, even when I have a lot of stuff to get done.
But even when I'm not busy, sometimes is just stresses me to go to her in the evening. Getting home and knowing I need to do one more train ride in the evening is the thing that stresses me.
Also it doesn't feel right to "leave" my parents after eating at home every day.

Is it ok if I just say no because I dont want to, without having a specific reason (like I want to do sports with my friends)?
Or should I get my mommy-house-ass up and go to her every time I possibly can?

Please tell me. I really don't know.

Also, I'm not talking about not going to her in general. I just want to stay at home sometimes without having a specific reason.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

My first thought when I read this was: "Awww, it's such a shame they're going to break up soon...."

Why? Too much time spent with her - you don't need to see a girl every day to keep her attracted to you. I've had a girlfriend for 3 years now and I might - MIGHT - see her 4 days out the week, but I make it a point to not to see her a few times during the week.

One, because I'm actually busy, and girls like being with guys that actually have important things they're doing to where they can't see them all the time; and two, the gift of not seeing her everyday is that she misses you, which makes her desire you more, which results in her being extra pleasant when you DO finally get to see her again.

All that to say: as the guy, YOU are responsible for establishing the relationship habits of the relationship early on. So, if you don't want to see her everyday, you should have been establishing this pattern in the beginning by only seeing her once a week, then moving it up to 3 times a week when she became the girlfriend and sticking to that.

Now that you're already in the groove of seeing her everyday, it's going to be shocking to her that you're suddenly NOT doing it 'cause girls are all about studying a guy's patterns and wondering what's going on when they change up.

(Also, random question: why isn't she coming your way to see you?)

If you want to change it up, there are a few things you can do:

1. Start mentioning in advance to her days that you can't stop to see her. Like, if today is Monday, you could say to her, "Hey, just an FYI: I won't be able to make it out this way on Wednesday..."

2. But then end it by saying when you CAN see her - i.e. "...but we should definitely do something Thursday night."

3. Start making ACTUAL plans for when you see her. Believe it or not, what you're doing right now is starting to get you into a rut because you're seeing her just to see her. However, you can lessen how often you do this if you have an actual plan set for some kind of activity, which will make the time spent together more valuable. So, instead of seeing her every day just to see her, you could realistically get it down to where you're seeing her twice a week just to hang out, and one day for an actual date. Like, you could say to her on Monday: "So hey - I'm going to be busy the next couple of days, but let's go out on Thursday night for some fun at (location)."

Lastly - understand her DESIRE and WANT to see you are good things. However, just because she's feeling these things doesn't mean you give into them every time she wants to see you. Remember: her WANT to see you is going to build up her interest, so you actually do her feelings for you a disservice when you give her what she wants. Let her go a day or two (or three) where you don't give her what she wants, and see if she's not clamoring for more "extra special" time with you as a result.

Hope this helps!

 

[guest915]

Thank you very much for your detailed post.
She isn't coming to me because she doesn't feel good being a guest in my parents house. I also understand that she doesn't want to pay rent and work for sleeping somewhere else, even tho she never said something about that.
Also, from her place the way to my university is also one hour (her, home and university are arranged like a triangle).
But from my place she would need that hour by train to get to hers. I understand all those reasons and I think it's valid that she doesn't come to my place.

I also have something in addition and a question to you:
I also like to play piano (I have an e-piano, a little longer than the relationship), but I don't want to squeeze the practice in the time university and her. I'm just telling that so you know I have something to do with my free time when I'm not studying.

My question to your post is:

Hey, just an FYI: I won't be able to make it out this way on Wednesday..."

2. But then end it by saying when you CAN see her - i.e. "...but we should definitely do something Thursday night."

That will lead to the question from her: "Why cant you make it on Wednesday?" She demands for a valid reason.
The point is I want to stay at home because I don't want to take that train again and just relax.
Saying "playing piano" or "relaxing" won't help there I think. I also don't want to say "playing piano" as a reason when I'm actually not going to do that and just want to relax.
If I don't succeed in changing anything, that will be the most likely reason I think.

I really thank you for your help and would appreciate it if you answer me again.

edit: I just told her the sports is cancelled. She replied: "come to me?"
I just didn't know what to say because the train comes soon and I didn't want to miss it and take a later one. So I just said "ok".
Before I sometimes said something like "I don't know...it's late" and then I took a later train.

 

[Yewki]

Your GF sounds like a legit job... every day traveling by train for hours to see her, like clockwork.

 

[NSX-R]

Who's the man in this relationship? I wonder.

 

[El Payaso]

Who's the man in this relationship? I wonder.

Lol.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

For starters: why do you feel the need to tell her when something you planned to do during the time you would have seen her gets cancelled? If you already told her you were going to do something else, you've already got your out. If you think you'd be weird lying to her about those things that's understandable, but if she's not asking questions then there's no need for you to voluntarily tell her info if you know it's going to lead to her wanting to see you.

As for how to get out this predicament? I gotta be honest, guy... I'm an introvert, which means there are sometimes hours (or full days) where I need not to be bothered. So, were I in your situation, it would go something like this (oh, and btw: this would be a PHONE CALL - texting KILLS relationships):

Me: My sports thing got cancelled
Her: Come see me?
Me: Maybe tomorrow... right now I think I'll just stay here and get some alone time in
Her: You don't want to see me?
Me: It's not that at all - it's just that I tend to be introverted, and as much as I enjoy seeing you, I also know I need time to myself to recharge my energy. That way, when I DO see you I'm full and present

At this point she'd react one of two ways:

Her: Oh... okay then, well I hope I get to see you tomorrow then. Have a great night!

OR

Her: Oh, so you're saying you don't want to spend time with me? What's wrong with being alone with me, I'm good company!

More likely than not, you'll probably get the 2nd reaction. Why? One, a girl isn't used to be rejected when she wants to see a guy; and two, until she gets used to the idea of you needing alone time, she's going to have to fight with her brain about understanding it.

But here's the thing: the earlier you fight for this kind of stuff in the relationship, the less of an issue it becomes later. I've had this convo time and time again with girls I've dated, and they're usually on the verge of crying about it the first few times I tell them I'd rather spend time with myself. After a few convos, though, they start asking ME if I need alone time. So, it's something she'll eventually get used to, but only IF you're willing to actually (a) say "no", and (b) explain to her the importance of having time to yourself.

So, hopefully you'll eventually be able to have the cajones to do that.

 

[ashleysummer]

You have to go to her only when you want it. In other case, these undesirable every evening meetings will ruin your relationship. Just tell her the truth. If she is your lady, she`ll get it...

 

[SgtSplacker]

Dude, women are always going to try and control men like this. If you just keep doing what she wants she will begin to lose respect for you and begin to make your life impossible. Just tell her you're tired, she will fight and buck but keep in control and keep frame. She will get over it and eventually the fussing will stop. Girls have to get used to their men telling them no for some things. If you have nothing to say no about, then make something up. Seriously.

 

[l__i__l]

I think you should start getting some control back and determine her interest level while at it.
Go no contact for a few days, relax and live your life on your terms.
Start invoking her emotions while deattaching your own.

 

[parkthebus]

Why don't you just live together?

 

[grayclif]

I just think a woman should go to her man. But in your case if she gets upset if every now and then you want some alone time or feel like not travelling then you don't want her anyways.

You don't know what type of reaction you will get from her as yet. Test it and see what happens.