Going No Contact for a little with an FB/Possibly something more

[SO195]

Hola Gents,

It's been a couple months since I've posted get wrecked from a last 3 month relationship with a crazy manipulative BDP type that kinda ****ed my game up. Anyway I made it a decision because I am an actor currently studying in school and also leaving for London next Sept to not get in any sort of exclusive relationship. I am kinda done with that I just want people I can enjoy my time with however that may be. I am much more open now and not trying to put labels.

Anyway since beginning of February, I do a play with this actress (she's bisexual by the way) european and 22. We click instantly and having amazing chemistry. Just to preface everything she recently since December got out of 6 month relationship with a younger guy. I may be the rebound but I now there was another guy before me that was her rebound.

So literally after the show, we go to the bar and I grab her and tell her Im gonna kiss her and she asks "why?" and I said because I want to and she pulls me in and Bam....We text for the next week and then we end up hanging out and hooking up. And we continue to hook up on a regular basis, at least multiple times per week in to the late evenings. The sex is great I dominate her but also sometimes we make love or close to it....she is extremely sexual like myself.

I start to hang with her more but I make sure to let her know that I am leaving and it is what it is and we just call ourselves "buddies" and no exclusivity .....Im doing all the leading. She likes inviting me over and cooking for me, etc.... and I dont mind it either. She makes a point to be as honest as possible with, I know that will never happen but I have a good BS detector and I can tell she is sincere.

She ends up going to her home country for 2 weeks, wanted me to come with her, was even going to pay but I declined because of school. We skype, etc....She gets back and starts trying to define what we are. Writes me epic long facebook messages about love and drops the L bomb and could see herself with me, I tell her I love her but not in love with her because only time will tell on that. I do love everything about her as a person and the time we share.......I am also seeing other chicks sometimes as well and let her know she can do the same with me but when we hang out we are together.

She then proceeds to trying to label things like we hang out more than just FB's and she likes it and call us "Lovers" but also she means more than that........she starts to want to hold my hand in public, etc....I pull back a lil but then push as well. She then gets pissed that I am taking her for granted and then I pull back a lil. I don't know if she was pushing me to label us or go exclusive and I kept dodging it because I don't want to end up getting burned and I am keeping my feelings in check so they dont get hurt and even tell her that I am willing to walk away. She gets a lil upset about this. And even her best friend starts saying things like we are in love, in a relationship, and to stop hiding her. I just wasn't trying to advertise the relationship.

Anyways she start to say things like she could see herself with me and that I fit with her to the bone, poetic stuff and that she has never been with a guy who she feels so calm and familiar with. I am still one foot in and foot out of this whole thing but I do like her and if I wasn't leaving in Sept I would try to push for things. But I tell her that I do see us having whatever we have, unlabled for a long long time, even when shes with someone haha......I know I excite her in all the right ways. And everything about us is easy.....

Fastforward to the current situation, which started this week, she got pissed that I got pissed at her for inviting me over and she was high but she didnt understand that I dont give **** and I was just messing with her. But she asked me once to keep her responsible on her acting work and I knew she had a lot to do so someone such as myself who works hard kinda took offense to that and we had a mini blow out......I told her not ask me of such things again and I wont get mad cuz I am not trying to be anyones parent.

I could tell she was moving a farther a part but we keeping having sex and then the other night she drops that she is still in love with her ex but is confused and needs time. The next we talk and she repeats the same thing and I respond calmly and say listen if thats how you feel than I need time for myself as well and I will see you later....she starts to get upset and says she doesn't know how to feel and says our relationship needs to shift because of this and I tell her that I will only have her in my life as a lover and she says that doesn't need to stop per se but she still feels like she is in love with the ex, who she did the dumping by the way. So she tried to friendzone me in a sense but I threw it right back. Again I stood my ground, maybe got a little emotional but was calm and basically let her know that we have is what we have and if she wants it she knows where to find me but for a little I need space now. I try to get my things from her apt but she wants me to keep them there and then I just leave. I decide to go no contact.

We don't text for day and she texts me "I don't want you to make me feel like a stranger". I say I am not doing that but I need space and please understand that. And we haven't text since......I end up running into her roommate today and she says that I am missed and was hinting that the girl misses me. I am warm and friendly and quickly move on my way.

Anyways we are going to a concert on the 18th and I've decided that I am going to go No Contact at least up until then or a little before to calm things down.....I have a gut feeling she will contact me back until then.

So what do you guys think I should do?? I got lengthy because I do really like this girl and the time we spend together and the amazing sex we have.....but I am not in a commitment mode, at least not yet. But I do want this girl in my life up until I leave but also as a friend because she is one of the few good people I have met and gets me more than most. So thoughs, opinions???

 

[SO195]

I forgot to mention that her bomb about taking her for granted was that she wanted me to take her out more, not necessarily paying but going on dates.....but we did do that a good amount....its just with school I could only really come over late night, eat with her and have sex.....so going out wasn't that much of an option all the time.....

 

[SO195]

Any takers??

 

[TheException]

All the details are irrelevant. To you, it seems like some unique situation but really its a classic girl wants a relationship and guy doesnt scenario.

She gets back and starts trying to define what we are.

This is a girl's way of bringing up a relationship. She wants to become exclusive. You handled it pretty well from what i can tell. If you truly do not want an exclusive relationship then always convey that, which you did.

Now comes the problem. The reason for this: she still feels like she is in love with the ex is one of two things.

1.) She is using it as leverage to attempt to make you jealous so that you will go exclusive with her.

2.) Or she is beginning to harbor emotional resentment towards you. Girls use sex to get relationships and its vice versa for men. Your getting your side of the dynamic but she is not getting hers. Now, by you not committing you are essentially playing "hard to get" without the intent of ever letting her catch you. Girls chase and want what they cant have. By you avoiding the relationship, she has probably become more attracted to you. However, at a certain point girls need that emotional connection(rapport). They need to be kept in limbo between being loved/not loved. After awhile she is realizing you are not going to commit and she is holding it against you(reason for the stupid fight over absolutely nothing). She will pick more fights, start more drama, sh1t test more, etc for the last few months you are together before you leave.

I wish i could say in confidence that you will have a glorious last few months, but this is not the way of the vag. In your case, i see two options.

1.) Attempt rapport and ATTEMPT at having a good few months. Take her out somewhere nice, tell her you appreciate her truly and that she has been a positive influence in your life. Take her home, bang her, and during post coital cuddles say "I know you want a relationship, but i just cant right now. I want us to have an amazing last few months before i leave. It would make me happy babe."

2.) Spin more plates and not worry about it. By going out and just meeting people and having ONS and focusing on enjoying your last few months, it ill take the emphasis somewhat off this girl. It should be all about you. I know you like this girl, but by denying her an exclusive relationship, she will only hold on for so long. I dont know how long your gone, but im assuming 6 months-1 year. And frankly, its irrational if you think you can set it up so that she is just waiting for your return home so you can start a relationship. While you are gone, she will be hit on, and meet new guys.

Life gets in the way sometimes. Timing sucks. Only you know which option will be best.

 

[SO195]

Thank you TheException.

I definitely wouldn't mind spending my last couple of months enjoying them with her......we have a great relationship on all fronts not just the sex, she quite inspiring that way

So yea I will be gone for a year and have no mind to keep her in a relationship for myself or for her.....if I get back and the the openings there I would definitely pursue something because she got hits all the checks in my book and does not put any expectations on who I am supposed to be and she really lets me do my thing.........

We did start to spend a hell of a lot of time together and so I might have been giving her too much attention but at the same time she consitently was doing everything on my call, making dinner, always getting down etc....

She would bring up on a semi regular basis that I need to learn to be alone and to let me see other people , but that at the same time would subtly drop hints that she was against that........and her roommate would constitently remind us that we are acting like a couple, she would say otherwise but now I am thinking she was doing it to please me.....and I could feel the resentment build a little, especially with comments like her feeling she always need to entertain me.

She did withhold sex from me once or twice and this is around the time she said I was taking her for granted, is that indicators that she wanted me to commit???? I manipulated slightly out of those situations and usually ended up getting down.

But our argument when she brought up the "I am still in love with my ex thing" it seemed kinda serious and she has brought him up in the past, mostly about having weird dreams about him but that didn't face me and I didn't react in any particular way. But she has also since she got back from her trip over the past couple of weeks has slightly try to get me jealous, so much so that I had said to her "I am done" and she took it like I was done with us and started to get extremely emotional. And that I would remind her I was one foot in and one foot out.

But also in the argument she kept saying that our relationship needs to shift because she is still in love with her "ex", I got a little beta over the course of it but regained my frame and she was even commenting on the fact I was not really reacting to her saying what she said so much so that she said why am I not flipping out and begging her. She also said that we fit so well together but that we cant go any further (me leaving is playing a big influence I can tell)

I am just confused a little if this is really a test or she is done with me, because I don't want that to be the case......we haven't spoken since Saturday, been going no contact. She has made reaches by commenting on post on facebook. She said she needed sometime as well after Saturday and I told her I need sometime.

So what do I do next, do I break no contact and do the whole lets just enjoy until I leave thing.....I don't want to be friendzoned with this chick just yet, I want us to end as partners in some respect.....

What are the next steps.??? I get the whole establishing rapport but be a little more specific because I do get somewhat vulnerable in front of this girl, but our conversations are usually sensitive in nature because we are artists but I do keep my wall up

I don't want her to start looking for other guys to be honest by me going no contact.......and I also want to wipe this ex from her mind at the time being, someone she says she is in love with but will never go back to.

 

[SO195]

Also, I randomly asked her to go on a spur of the moment road trip out of the city last week and she threw it back in the argument asking if we were still gonna do that and I said not right now if you need "time". We also have gotten tickets to a concert in two weeks as well. On top of that she invited me to come to Italy with her and LA this summer but this was before the argument but then in the argument said she still wants to do those things but is a little unsure and that I am always welcomed at her apartment, shes got two roommates because I am loved there....so I don't get it.......could she be trying to friendzone me to commit???

 

[TheException]

So what do I do next, do I break no contact and do the whole lets just enjoy until I leave thing

So it seems your going with option 1. Be warned...there is no guarantee and you can never be fearful of losing a girl. Not to mention you are leaving in Sept, do not get emotionally attached/dependent. That being said, ill give you an example of rapport building that i speak of. Invite her over to your place for dinner. Text her tomorrow for instance and say "Come over for dinner at my place tomorrow". Go get some wine and make some pasta. Also buy chocolate bars and strawberries. Microwave the chocolate and wala you dip the strawberries in chocolate. Dont start cooking until she gets there. Converse as normal then go watch some tv on the couch, bring the strawberries and chocolate. After a bit start making out during a commercial and bang. Afterwards just cuddle and watch tv(round 2 will ensue at some point). But this is where you can tell her you appreciate her(love her, but only if you do) and tell her you just want to enjoy the summer with her.

Then be done talking about it, dont spend 20 mins hammering out details. Feel free to customize your date, but i essentially do this with girls i really care about. They get to see that soft side BUT ONLY BECAUSE I HAVE PRECEEDING ATTRACTION. I would never do this as a first date or with a girl i havent escalated with yet. This is like your one chance to act beta lol so live it up. Then after that night your back to usual, alpha as he11. Things should go well, and she will swoon over what you did. Enjoy the months.

Also, I randomly asked her to go on a spur of the moment road trip out of the city last week and she threw it back in the argument asking if we were still gonna do that and I said not right now if you need "time". We also have gotten tickets to a concert in two weeks as well. On top of that she invited me to come to Italy with her and LA this summer but this was before the argument but then in the argument said she still wants to do those things but is a little unsure and that I am always welcomed at her apartment, shes got two roommates because I am loved there....so I don't get it.......could she be trying to friendzone me to commit???

Definitely go with what i said above. You sound like you have tons of fun sh1t planned.

 

[SO195]

So again the ex thing is just a **** test. But the thing is she has seen a little bit of that side of me.....we spent a couple days together where I cooked breakfest and did the chocolate covered strawberry thing haha........

 

[TheException]

Nice^ lol, works every time when done right. Well man look its a balance. From what i can tell you havent balanced this side enough. Its not a big deal every once in awhile, just dont become predictable. Dont fear that your acting too beta...think alpha be alpha. Its all about frame control and how your perceive it.

 

[SO195]

Ok so I have been going no contact on this girl......but broke it for a split second. She has been making lots of reaches over the week through FB and calling me. I have been busy with class and back to back auditions. Broke no contact last night.

First she called me in the morning. Then she called me in the evening and left a message that she wanted to talk and see how I was doing. This is how my text transpired in response to her message:

Me: Busy.....working. Thought I saw you in purple pants while I was running an errand for split downtown
Her: Nope I am in a short white dress.
Me: Good. I didn't embarass myself and yell your name. And ur a ****ing tease. Short. White. Dress.
Her. I just wanted to make you smile. And its true I am in a short white dress.

(I dont respond to this because the text was late and I was going to bed for early work this morning). I woke up, turned my phone on and get another message from her which I havent responded yet:

Her: Fine. Never talk to me again....... . It doesnt have to be so weird between us.

I haven't responded yet but I also looked at her FB and she said she was seeing performances all day and she got to bed early.

So what are my next moves guys, back to no contact or do I sit and talk??? I want this girl back.

 

[TheException]

As i said before...the problem is not lack of attraction, it is rapport. Hang out with her.

 

[SO195]

So l called but no answer.....I'll see if she gets back to me.

Just a little confused because she said she needed "time" last week but consistently makes reaches and even flirts like the above text message.....so all hope is not lost?

 

[SO195]

So she called back........she asked me how I was doing and where have I been and I said "great, just been busy with class, work and auditions".....told her I was in a rush for an audition but if we could chat later. She said she will be performing all day. So I threw out plans for Wed, I am going to my old work to re apply and catch up with some work colleagues, its a sick artsy theater lounge and its close to the water. I have a ton of social proof there and all the girls there love me.....so I told her she can tag along if she wants and Ill be going there and to walk along the water....Let me know

 

[SO195]

By the way her response to that was "I would love to"

 

[TheException]

So she called back........she asked me how I was doing and where have I been

^Good sign

I have a ton of social proof there and all the girls there love me

Good for attraction. Make sure you do things to build rapport.

Ill be going there and to walk along the water....Let me know

I prefer a little more force than this. I dont like having the girl be the deciding factor. I wont say "let me know". All in all your fine dude. But like i said i feel like your struggling with the concept of rapport. It seems your worrying about the wrong thing. Your worried about losing her, or how to save it, and whether she still likes you....BRO shes attracted. The reason she was acting distant is she feels like shes getting played and needs more out of you.

Its usually the opposite. The guy supplicates and kills attraction. Your playing the opposite and not giving her enough attention.

 

[SO195]

the "let me know" was for you guys haha .......didn'ts say that to her and would never say that to a girl.

Can you give me some specific good rapport ideas, maybe articles .......cuz the last time with a girl I went to far in that land and became beta and ****ed up........I just want to find ways for balance

 

[TheException]

http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2013/01/08/declining-intimacy-vs-declining-attraction/

http://www.solvemygirlproblems.com/2011/02/building-rapport-in-a-relationship/

http://www.solvemygirlproblems.com/2011/09/attraction-vs-rapport/

 

[SO195]

So the place I am taking her is incredibly artsy and romantic.....there is no other place like this in the city. I can most likely get us comps on everything. If that can happen should I pay for this completely. It's place we can get lost in and dancing as well but not club dancing, its more like 1930s style music.....her thing actually (didnt even realize that until typing this ha).

If this works out it will be our first proper date. Other than the one time of going to the movies after her rehearsal, the rest of the time has been mostly spent at her place, eating and in bed, late at night. Other times it has been working on projects together but thats strictly business at those points.

Im thinking maybe I should pull back a lil and not try to even bed her that night. Might even walk her home and just end it with a kiss. Show her my romantic side. I mean we've been practically having just sex multiple times a week for 3 months now. Do you guys think I should not go in for the Fclose??? I mean this girl is high value, we share the same beliefs and outlooks on life. Yes she is slightly dramatic (but most artists are to a degree) and I learn from her, yea it might sound like onitis but at the end of the day what is happening between us does have an expiration date come Sept with me leaving. But I want this girl to be a part of my life in any regard to be honest, she is just that good of people, she is special in my mind and I don't throw my attention to just anyone anymore. Let me know what you think.

 

[TheException]

I would F Close her. Go out, pay for the dinner. Then walk home holding hands, then bang her. Like the good emotional romantic bang. Get really into it and cuddle after. It will be game over and your last few months will be enjoyable. Just dont do this often...thats how people beta backslide. They see how well being romantic works(with attraction) so they think more = more success. It does not.