Ok, guys, so I set up lunch this week with this girl at work that I'm pursuing. She has some serious problems in her personal life, more than any girl I've been with before. Now the problem is this, should I sit and listen to her problems, or do you guys think I should call off the date? She told me today she was having some problems with her family (parents are divorced and her mother is crazy). Definitely don't want to her to anchor bad things with me.
Girls with issues
- Thread starter becker
- Start date
okay so your thinking about calling off the date (which means no girl)... but your afriad that if you go on the date that you might have "bad feelings" associated with you. so, you're thinking about giving up on the girl to not have bad feelings associated with you? i dont get it.
go out. dont be a symp to her. see what happens and see if you can get something out of it. somethings better than nothing right?
everybodys got problems. shes gotta understand that shes not special cuz shes got em too. give her some drama and she'll eat dat sh!t up.
Well, the thing is that I can always postpone this until later, since she's having problems in her family life right now. I know that obviously if I go out with her now much of what will be on her mind is her problems in her family. Until those settle a little, it might be wiser to lay low. I'd rather not be Mr. Psychiatrist and I was mainly asking you guys whether you think it's usually good being sort of her confidant in such situations. As I said, I've never dated a girl that was so hot yet with so many issues. Most of the girls I've been out with have not had that many problems, and this is a total 180 for me. This girl has the works as far as problems go. Guess it's what I will have to deal with if I want this HB10. She is physically unbelievable, and she is probably the best it gets as far as looks.
yeah i do agree with you on most of that. its never good to be around a woman when shes going through sh!t. one, she'll associate it with you and two, she'll try to make you hear about it (which im sure you dont want).
haha i actively avoid my current gf when shes on her period for just that reason.
if you can postpone till later, id just keep kickin game to other women and keep her on the back burner till the time is right.
ive had a hard life personally so when i see a woman whos supposedly "going through a lot" i know that she's at least getting the drama aspect out of it and she's not losing as bad as you think she is. "going through hard sh!t" is bad. true. but dont think they arent getting a few good things with it.... such as sympathy, emotional rollercoaser ride, validation, self-rightousness, attention, sympathy, and sympathy.
haha i actively avoid my current gf when shes on her period for just that reason.
if you can postpone till later, id just keep kickin game to other women and keep her on the back burner till the time is right.
ive had a hard life personally so when i see a woman whos supposedly "going through a lot" i know that she's at least getting the drama aspect out of it and she's not losing as bad as you think she is. "going through hard sh!t" is bad. true. but dont think they arent getting a few good things with it.... such as sympathy, emotional rollercoaser ride, validation, self-rightousness, attention, sympathy, and sympathy.
I could be wrong, but would you share your problems with a chick you had an interest in?
If her interest level is high, I would think that the last thing she would talk about with you would be her problems.
I'd postpone it - but for a different reason. Let her interest level adjust...
If her interest level is high, I would think that the last thing she would talk about with you would be her problems.
I'd postpone it - but for a different reason. Let her interest level adjust...
Sometimes I just don't know if girls seek this type of drama, or is it to your advantage to be the guy who can take their mind off their problems. I tend to be the guy that girls like to be around because no matter what happens, I have an indifferent attitude where I don't give a cr*p about whether they are around me, yet, I make it difficult for them to not want to be around me because I'm the mysterious guy who always seems to have something going on. Like a kid who's up to no good, and it's obvious.
I tend to disagree with this only because in my experience, girls will share problems with you more if they are into you. Not like they just spill their guts, but will be more receptive to using this method to spend more time with you. This girl right now will keep talking about anything, just keep her mouth moving, whenever I'm around, so that I can't just walk away. It's like a tractor beam.
JustDoItAlways
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- May 28, 2002
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- 914
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There's a little misconception around here about listening to a girl's problems.
This stems from the fact that most of the time, the girl is question has a boyfriend or isn't interested in you in the least. In this case, you are just an emotional tampon, like a chick-friend to her. When you listen to THIS girl's problems you move farther and farther into the friend zone and she becomes less and less attracted to you.
But if the girl is your girlfriend or a prospect who actually likes you, it pays for the guy to listen. That is what she needs in a partner.
Of course, you don't try to solve her problems. Chicks hate this, they just need to vent, to talk through their problems out-loud. Most women can not think through a problem in their head. They often need to say it out loud to themselves, to their girlfriends etc. Us guys often say at this point, "well its simple, just do this ..." Women hate this.
And you don't listen to her problems all night. Five, 10 minutes at most, repeat some of it back to her, tell her you understand and then go back to having FUN, take her mind off it. This is what a chick wants from you, especially girlfriends and wives.
And when you listen to her problems, you get to assess what type of chick she is, how psycho she really is.
This stems from the fact that most of the time, the girl is question has a boyfriend or isn't interested in you in the least. In this case, you are just an emotional tampon, like a chick-friend to her. When you listen to THIS girl's problems you move farther and farther into the friend zone and she becomes less and less attracted to you.
But if the girl is your girlfriend or a prospect who actually likes you, it pays for the guy to listen. That is what she needs in a partner.
Of course, you don't try to solve her problems. Chicks hate this, they just need to vent, to talk through their problems out-loud. Most women can not think through a problem in their head. They often need to say it out loud to themselves, to their girlfriends etc. Us guys often say at this point, "well its simple, just do this ..." Women hate this.
And you don't listen to her problems all night. Five, 10 minutes at most, repeat some of it back to her, tell her you understand and then go back to having FUN, take her mind off it. This is what a chick wants from you, especially girlfriends and wives.
And when you listen to her problems, you get to assess what type of chick she is, how psycho she really is.
Becker, this is not a problem, in fact I think its a brilliant opportunity for you.
Don't do this. DO something fun and active, somewhere there is lots of noise and lots of people. Don't allow any her any opportunities to corner you and pour her heart out to you over a coffee... just don't let it happen! Make her totally forget about her family dramas for a few hours. You'll look like a champ.
E-Z Rider
Master Don Juan
I agree with the concensus here: don't take her out to talk abt the problems, but to have fun. Come up with the most interesting and mind-blowing date you can think of.
You can't change the problems in her life. Neither you or her can make her parents get back together- so it's really fruitless to talk about that. What she needs to feel better is to DO something. If you can make her feel giddy and happy for a night you will be like a SAVIOR to her, since she's been depressed for a while. She will have ultra-positive associations for you.
But I also agree with JustDoItAlways. Perhaps no matter what you do that night, she still can't seem to get into it and looks sad, then talk to her for a little bit. Really listen to her and sympathize with her. Do this for a little while, then put your hand on her chin and lift her face up, tell her "I'm sorry about your problems you're going through. I know I can't fix them for you, you just have to heal on your own. I think you need to have some fun now, leave your problems for a little bit. Come now, let's do (whatever) and you're going to have fun being with me tonight". Give her a reassuring smile.
Don't talk about it too much- if she starts really dwelling on it she'll only feel worse.
Good luck- -E-Z
You can't change the problems in her life. Neither you or her can make her parents get back together- so it's really fruitless to talk about that. What she needs to feel better is to DO something. If you can make her feel giddy and happy for a night you will be like a SAVIOR to her, since she's been depressed for a while. She will have ultra-positive associations for you.
But I also agree with JustDoItAlways. Perhaps no matter what you do that night, she still can't seem to get into it and looks sad, then talk to her for a little bit. Really listen to her and sympathize with her. Do this for a little while, then put your hand on her chin and lift her face up, tell her "I'm sorry about your problems you're going through. I know I can't fix them for you, you just have to heal on your own. I think you need to have some fun now, leave your problems for a little bit. Come now, let's do (whatever) and you're going to have fun being with me tonight". Give her a reassuring smile.
Don't talk about it too much- if she starts really dwelling on it she'll only feel worse.
Good luck- -E-Z
If you let her talk to you like a friend, you will be only a friend. Stay away from it completely. Once you have been dating a while and have a relationship, then maybe, but not on the first dates!
Also the savior comment above bothers me. Don't try to be "Captain Save-a-ho" as somebody else recently said.
I agree with the comments about being fun, fun, fun... why would you want to waste time on a weeping willow anyway?
Dietzcoi
Also the savior comment above bothers me. Don't try to be "Captain Save-a-ho" as somebody else recently said.
I agree with the comments about being fun, fun, fun... why would you want to waste time on a weeping willow anyway?
Dietzcoi
I agree with JustDoItAlways.
When you have been going out for
some time, and have a "relationship", you should listen, be supportive.
When you're first going out, you should
be having fun, getting to know each
other - not talking about her problems.
A few sympathetic words would seem
appropriate.
When you have been going out for
some time, and have a "relationship", you should listen, be supportive.
When you're first going out, you should
be having fun, getting to know each
other - not talking about her problems.
A few sympathetic words would seem
appropriate.
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NewMan
Master Don Juan
I totally agree with Just do it....
Women want a guy who's going to listen to them - and they talk about their problems far more than guys. After they have talked about their problems, they feel much better - and it's my belief that she will be closer to you.
You see, I think the problem is not that a woman tells you her problems, it's rather how the guy interacts with the woman. She can talk about her problems, but it's upto the guy to interject with ****y and funny - e.g. she talks about her problems with her BF - so you tell her "Don't worry, I'm certainly not the kinda guy that will dump you out of the car if we argue - well at least not until I've seen you naked"
Silly example - but you've got to let her know that your interested in her - by your actions and words.
I don't think that just because you listen to a woman, that you will be automatically LJBF.
You've got to read the situation from the start - if she has a BF, then your usually fighting an uphill battle anyways. If she's talking about him to you, then your sure on the right path - but you've got to let her know your interested in her - and if your LJBF - then NEXT.
elvis aint dead yet
Senior Don Juan
I agree with some points made. If your just gettng to know her, go out and do something fun. maybe it'll take her mind off of her problems. Most girls are very good at exaggerating the drama in their life. Somebody is always trying to ruin their life at work, school and on and on. So just go out, have fun, and hopefully she forgets about her problems for an hour or so.
If you know her and are friends with her, still take her out. It's better to try and go out and have a good time. If its not working, then at least you tried to cheer her up.
Whatever you do, don't become one of those chumps from this site that say NEXT if the girl has issues. because if you do that, i'm afraid, you will never go out with another person in your life. Everybody has issues, male and female. Accept it, especially the older you get, the more baggage people have.
If you know her and are friends with her, still take her out. It's better to try and go out and have a good time. If its not working, then at least you tried to cheer her up.
Whatever you do, don't become one of those chumps from this site that say NEXT if the girl has issues. because if you do that, i'm afraid, you will never go out with another person in your life. Everybody has issues, male and female. Accept it, especially the older you get, the more baggage people have.
Francisco d'Anconia
Master Don Juan
So you set up a luncheon with someone who's going to use you as an emotional tampon??? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!!!!
Hopefully you didn't know about it when you asked.You can either sit through it and hope that you can change the subject OR you could break it off, but then what will be your reputation in the office? Office relationships are seldom worth the risks and hardships. They could work out but it's not the easiest thing to do.
Thanks for all the posts and different views on this guys. Let me see if I can at least respond to some of them.
I agree that just because you listen to a girl's problems, you don't automatically get LJBF'd. I also agree that you can't try to dive in and be Mr. Problem Solver either. She told me herself that day that there's nothing anyone can do about it. Her mom apparently came to her house and took her younger brother away to be with her for a while. The father had a GF who was living with them in the house for a while, and I think she moved out. Mom is schizophrenic apparently. Anyways, some serious f*d-up life.
I think I've always been pretty good about staying away from the negativity and trying to get her to come with me to have fun. The thing here is that I asked her to lunch, not dinner or anything, so we have about an hour or so (she has to clock in and out). I can't really take her anywhere that creative with so little time, so I was just going to take her to lunch and just chat. (I know, not the most exciting thing, but at the same time, I don't even know her that well yet). What do you all think?
I agree that just because you listen to a girl's problems, you don't automatically get LJBF'd. I also agree that you can't try to dive in and be Mr. Problem Solver either. She told me herself that day that there's nothing anyone can do about it. Her mom apparently came to her house and took her younger brother away to be with her for a while. The father had a GF who was living with them in the house for a while, and I think she moved out. Mom is schizophrenic apparently. Anyways, some serious f*d-up life.
I think I've always been pretty good about staying away from the negativity and trying to get her to come with me to have fun. The thing here is that I asked her to lunch, not dinner or anything, so we have about an hour or so (she has to clock in and out). I can't really take her anywhere that creative with so little time, so I was just going to take her to lunch and just chat. (I know, not the most exciting thing, but at the same time, I don't even know her that well yet). What do you all think?
Everyone has issues, including girls. So, her parents are divorced. Boo f*cking hoo. I've dated girls who don't even know who their father is, and the one's who do know, their father is in prison. There are alot worse things out there. I have lived through much worse than that. Should a b*tch be worried about my mental state? Trust me, they aren't. Show her a good time, and she will love you. Life is about fun, sqwash the other sh!t.
I agree that all people have issues, but just because you can imagine how bad it is for them doesn't mean that you would be able to deal with it any better than they can, yet you seem to act like it's no big deal. I don't think it's possible to step into someone's shoes like that unless you know the whole story. Most likely your parents are not divorced, or else you'd probably see it differently.
Bottom line is that what may seem like a "mere" divorce to you may be pretty serious for someone else. Furthermore, there's more to this than just a divorce, as I've said in my prior posts.
I agree with you, however, that it's important to show her a good time regardless and not dwell on the negatives. But, it's probably not possible to not discuss the subject at all given that it's a prevalent part of her life at the moment.
elvis aint dead yet
Senior Don Juan
I agree.. YOu have no idea what it feels like because you are not her. Just like she has no idea what you feel like cause she is not you.
Go out have fun. But eventually she is going to bring it up. Girls are known to be drama queens.
Don't become a tampon, but also don't become a guy who has no emotions.
I've seen many horror story experiences in my life and deaths of friends, family members and so on.
So after some time I've become, not emotionless, but things do not bother me as much anymore. But other people see me as emotionless.
Whatever you do, do not make it seem like it's nothing to her. Maybe it means little to you, maybe you don't care, but believe me, if you keep pretending everybody is a loser cause they can't deal with stuff, you my friend will become old, lonely, and bitter.
Don't be a tampon, but also, don't be emotionless.
Go out have fun. But eventually she is going to bring it up. Girls are known to be drama queens.
Don't become a tampon, but also don't become a guy who has no emotions.
I've seen many horror story experiences in my life and deaths of friends, family members and so on.
So after some time I've become, not emotionless, but things do not bother me as much anymore. But other people see me as emotionless.
Whatever you do, do not make it seem like it's nothing to her. Maybe it means little to you, maybe you don't care, but believe me, if you keep pretending everybody is a loser cause they can't deal with stuff, you my friend will become old, lonely, and bitter.
Don't be a tampon, but also, don't be emotionless.
I spoke to this girl today, and I haven't seen her for like 3 days. She's very sweet on the inside, extremely gorgeous on the outside, but I have to say, it's somewhat boring talking to her. I have had much more chemistry with maybe girls not as hot as her, but I guess this is what most people have talked about when they say that some of these HB10s have very little to offer besides their looks. She does have an interesting life, but again, I'm not totally sure I want a piece of that life, since it's so f*d-up.
I need to decide whether to keep up the pursuit, or just LJBF her. Wouldn't mind being her friend at the moment, but I need to get to know her better before I go any further with her.
I need to decide whether to keep up the pursuit, or just LJBF her. Wouldn't mind being her friend at the moment, but I need to get to know her better before I go any further with her.