Girls who say they feel "uncomfortable" when you ask them out

[purple haze]

Hi. I'm a 49 year old security officer in a high school. I've never asked a girl out in my life, hardly, I've always waited for a "sign" from them that they liked me. Or, even worse, I've waited for them to approach me. This created in me a feeling of helplessness, hopelessness, and depression.

After studying the DJ Bible, I've realized that it's perfectly normal and natural for a single man to approach single women, introduce yourself, and ask them to join you for a soda, or ask for a phone number. Although I mostly get rejected, I feel good that I've changed, taken my life into my own hands, and it's getting easy, fun and exciting to approach women.

However, after asking out many single teachers in my school, I got called in the office by my bosses. They said that two teachers complained that they felt "uncomfortable" because I asked them out. Let me emphatically say, that like a good DJ, I only ask a woman out once; if she is not interested, I move on. I never pester or harass a woman; I merely asked these teachers if they would meet me for a soda.

This has shaken my confidence a little. I don't want to feel ashamed to ask women out. I am hoping that it's because of the nature of my job, that I might have to investigate a situation regarding these teachers, that they felt uncomfortable. What do you think?

 

[Chrispy]

U shouldn't be asking people out from work! You need to bring your game somewhere OTHER than work because the creepiness, uncomfortability, and otherwise awkward feeling that comes with dating shouldn't mix with work.

Besides, why would you want to risk your job to get dates? You need to protect your job so you make the money that in turn can be used to go out on dates in the first place!

 

[purple haze]

Thanks for the replies. My bosses told me it was because of the nature of my job, working on cases involving students and teachers, that it was not wise to ask teachers out at work. My bosses, both female administrators, were kind and said they loved having me work there. They said if I saw these teachers out in the community, it would be fine to ask them out, but not while I'm working.

I just feel badly that two teachers complained.

 

[DJDamage]

Approach women you don't know.

Many women feel "uncomfortable" while being approached by a strange man. However if you make them laugh and build a little bit rapport going then they will warm up to you.

As well when you approach women you don't know and it doesn't go well, you will never have to see them again, so who gives a sh1t if they don't feel comfortable.

FYI with regards to picking up women at work: "Never try to stick your meat where you get your bread".

 

[joekerr31]

joekerr31

without knowing details id harzard a guess that one of the two following things is happening:

1)your approach came off as either clumsy, too serious, nervous, etc.

but surely you say "they wouldn't report me to my boss simply because of that?!!!". in the work place you better believe they might. and here's why, it has NOTHING to do with you (well mostly nothing). Most women have been in a relationship with a man, and when it went sour, such man wen't Jack Nicholson in the Shinning on them.

The behavior of a jilted lover is often times very similar to the behavior of a clumsy, serious, nervous approach. there's this calm, quietness about the person, but you can sense the tension, fear, etc. bubbling underneath it all.

women don't tell men what they really want to say because they have generally had way too many bad experiences where a man turns into an angry sh*t eating psycho after being rejected.

if you're approach is in any way clumsy, nervous, or you're asking them out before even having had a few casual conversations with them, you need to change your approach and develop a trusting rapport with them first. they need to first find out you are a great, good guy before you ask them out.

now while developing the rapport, just make sure you don't let them put you in the friends zone. you can easily do this by complimenting their how they look, cutting conversations short if they start to get too "buddy buddy" as opposed to building mystery, etc.

2) you're asking out too many women from the same work place. THIS is probably a big part of things. you are creating all kinds of drama doing this. Women LOVE to gossip.

my money says that after you asked out one, she went and told all her female colleagues about it. then when you ask out another one, that gets around also.

suddenly all the women are thinking "this guy is desperate. this is getting sort of creepy. he's asking out all the single women."


anyway, i think you've simply fallen victim to dynamics of the workplace. mackin in the workplace can be done but it's the most dangerous unpredictable place to do be mackin on women.

Now, i will also say this. Odds are you are a typical guy just like most guys in here. If you looked like brad pitt, not only would all the women go out with you, you'd be the stud of the school banging all the single teachers.

the administrators would call you into their office merely hoping that they too might get the chance to bang you.

this is the unfortunately reality of the world. which is why its sooooooo essential in precarious situations to build rapport first and accurately gauge interest level.

if you have rapport + high IL you can make a move and nothing bad will happen. if you don't, then things get wierd.

anyway, brush this off as a learning experience and take your game outside of work. you didn't do anything WRONG per say, you simple got blind sided by the social dynamics of the workplace.

 

[purple haze]

Thanks for the help, joekerr31. I've read your response several times, it's well worth it.

 

[joekerr31]

i should add one other thing for your benefit.

look at the situation totally objectively and analyze their behavior.

so why would a woman let the bosses know that you asked them out? i mean, afteall, its MUCH easier just to politely decline the offer and move on with life.

there's really only one of two reasons...

1) they are concerned that you might keep approaching them, ie. not take no for an answer. and that they will have to be forceful in telling you to stop. at which point all the fears as described in my previous post become a reality for them. so they want it on record that this happened, so that if it gets ugly later they can turn to administration to step in and it won't be seen as a 'first time' event.

2) they are concerned that you might start bad mouthing them to others as a result of being rejected and they don't want any negative rumors adversely affecting their professional standing.

these are really the ONLY reasons i can think of to bother with reporting a man asking you out. and once again, it has nothing to do with you, but rather the worry / fear many women have in general about upsetting a man.

life is strange. a lot of men who aren't highly successful with women tend to think that women have a tremendous amount of control. they see the woman as the dominant figure, the one who has all the power - after all being the one who accepts or rejects is a tremendous amount of power.

but any man who is highly successful with women will tell you, women are WEAK. i don't say this critical merely descriptively. woman typically think poorly of themselves (regardless of how many guys want to f*ck them). They know they are physically much weaker than 99% of the men out there. They know they live in a man's world all in all, where men are given a lot of latitude and women given very little before they are judged negatively.

so the problem many times is a man who sees a woman as dominant can't understand why they would react in such irrational ways to simply being approached. and it's because many woman live in constant concern over how others see them, potential threats men pose, etc.

so i again re-iterate that you probably did nothign wrong other than approach these woman with a shotgun approach rather than a sniper approach.

i know this forum talks a lot about 'sargin', and the advice is often analogous to picking up a shotgun and start firing - hopefully you'll hit something.

personally, i'm more in favor of sniping. pick yoru target. observer your target. zoom in and observe closer. know their patterns. take a deep breath. fire. (that's an analogy people, im not sayign stalk. im saying, pick a woman, get ot know her, get past her initial exterior, build rapport, close).

unless chics are falling at your feet the shotgun method typically makes guys look like fools and they also tend to end up going home with the slutty woman as opposed to quality ones.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Nothing wrong whatsoever asking co-workers out for dates...

Have you ever dated someone from the office and it didn't work out? What were the ramifications?

 

[Heretolearn]

reporting: It is hard not being in the situation, but I could imagine and would hope an official complaint was not filed. Perhaps because your bosses and the teachers are female they gossip like most women, your bosses heard it and decided to act to protect you, the school and the teachers.


The bosses would want as little drama as possible and they know the females.

* do not take it personally. Do your job! You may have started a drama snowball which may engulf you and your job. Be very professional and DO NOT DATE ANYONE from work no matter what now. Especially if a woman approaches you or starts messing with you.

 

[Hitman10000]

Weak man, asking out people at places where you work (unless it's in a different suite or floor/department, etc) is weak and creepy. I bet you even have a Creep Flag on your head from all the female school teachers.

A college educated schoolteacher will not date someone who is a "security guard" moping around for some action.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...
I simply avoided contact with her. Weird...7 years of no convo, heavy flirtation, sex, and then no convo. LOL. No biggie. She saw me flirt with her co-associate, saw me using the same lines, etc., and she never said a word, and I wouldn't have cared either way.

Consider yourself lucky.

 

[bauer_23]

Well maybe. LOL. But I find the harder I work, the luckier I get. The more I care less about others' perceptions, the luckier I get.

Sexual harrasement is clearly and universally defined. I seduce through confidence, negs, and C & F. I don't see how it's possible to be perceived as a sexual harraser.

people are so freaking uptight these days...personally, I think women respect a guy who doesn't seem to care about being poltically correct. I'm willing to take my chances. No one's going to tell me how I should act.

The problem in the work place as I see it is that most guys who are single by the "mid life" era usually have and always had a limited means to pick up women. Thus they come off as possibly direct, with little tact conveying sexual interest. These same types of people might also have a history of being unable to detect lack of interest, and show unusual persistence which might cause awkwardness during the work day. This is a huge strike against dating people from work.

On the other hand, if a man has his act together, and can exude an air of confidence, and security, a date with a co worker probably won't be a big deal. While I have never dated a co worker, I see no problems with it if one establishes a good rapport with the women. You get along with women from work, why not go on a simple date? One doesn’t have to express implicit sexual interest. There is no harm in going out simply to enjoy each others company.

To the original poster, the girls who you ask out are not uncomfortable because you are working with them. They are uncomfortable for other reasons outlined by some other posts on this thread. The desperate single guy will always be in a situation where asking women out will make them feel awkward.

 

[Ricco]

Well maybe. LOL. But I find the harder I work, the luckier I get. The more I care less about others' perceptions, the luckier I get.

Sexual harrasement is clearly and universally defined. I seduce through confidence, negs, and C & F. I don't see how it's possible to be perceived as a sexual harraser.

people are so freaking uptight these days...personally, I think women respect a guy who doesn't seem to care about being poltically correct. I'm willing to take my chances. No one's going to tell me how I should act.

I don't agree that sexual harrasment is clearly and universally defined. This is not the case in the real world. women hold the upperhand in this because it based on how they feel. In this case they said they felt uncomfortable. He could have asked 10 women at work the same way and I am sure not all will feel the same. I am surprised that he was not accused of sexual harrasment. its a very fine line.

 

[Drum&Bass]

Hi. I'm a 49 year old security officer in a high school. I've never asked a girl out in my life, hardly, I've always waited for a "sign" from them that they liked me. Or, even worse, I've waited for them to approach me. This created in me a feeling of helplessness, hopelessness, and depression.

I'm not sure if this is a joke or your a troll or what..but I am WAY more interested in what the hell were you doing with your life, that you ended up being the person you are now..

However, after asking out many single teachers in my school, I got called in the office by my bosses. They said that two teachers complained that they felt "uncomfortable" because I asked them out.

DUDE !!!! ARE YOU NUCKING FUTS..at 49 how can you NOT SEE THE BIGGER PICTURE and rediculousness of what you are doing..

If you are serious and this isn't a troll or a joke..then you have MAJOR PROBLEMS BEYOND any help that someone from a seduction web site can offer... YOU NEED TO WORK ON YOURSELF BIGG TIME... BUT DAMN FOOL..YOUR 49 YEARS OLD..WERE YOU IN A COMA FOR THE LAST 30 YEARS.... SERIOUSLY. I think you should NOT WORRY ABOUT DATING WOMEN AND SORT YOUR F-CKING LIFE OUT...or what little life you have left.

 

[Bonhomme]

You're "sarging" in the entirely wrong place and situation. It may be perfectly good to ask a woman out, but when you're older and have a lower status position than the women around you, the best you can do is be charming and attractive in such a way they they wonder how someone like you is even in that position. They have to show interest first.

In other situations where you're dealing with women who don't look too far from your age, no problem. But whenever you're dealing with much younger or obviously higher-status women, they have to give you the go-ahead first or you'll get a reputation as an annoying creep, whether deserved or not.

 

[Latinoman]

Nothing wrong whatsoever asking co-workers out for dates...but you need to be tactful...you need to first of all gauge her interest level...look for 3 IOI's...it's going to be obvious if she's interested or not. THEN ask her out for coffee.

Maybe...however, asking SEVERAL co-workers give the erroneous impression.
To the point that he has been called to his boss Office, because TWO (no one, but TWO) women that work there felt uncomfortable.

 

[Latinoman]

Hi. I'm a 49 year old security officer in a high school. I've never asked a girl out in my life, hardly, I've always waited for a "sign" from them that they liked me. Or, even worse, I've waited for them to approach me. This created in me a feeling of helplessness, hopelessness, and depression.

After studying the DJ Bible, I've realized that it's perfectly normal and natural for a single man to approach single women, introduce yourself, and ask them to join you for a soda, or ask for a phone number. Although I mostly get rejected, I feel good that I've changed, taken my life into my own hands, and it's getting easy, fun and exciting to approach women.

However, after asking out many single teachers in my school, I got called in the office by my bosses. They said that two teachers complained that they felt "uncomfortable" because I asked them out. Let me emphatically say, that like a good DJ, I only ask a woman out once; if she is not interested, I move on. I never pester or harass a woman; I merely asked these teachers if they would meet me for a soda.

This has shaken my confidence a little. I don't want to feel ashamed to ask women out. I am hoping that it's because of the nature of my job, that I might have to investigate a situation regarding these teachers, that they felt uncomfortable. What do you think?

Listen to me and listen to me carefuly.

1- Do NOT ask women out at your work place, unless she shows LOT of interest (and I still believe that the work place is the worst place to do this kind of things). You asked MANY single women there. Do you think they don't talk among each other?

2- Your bosses called you. Simple answer would have been: "I am very aware of sexual harrassment policies. I am not harrassing anyone. I simply asked them to go for a cup of coffee, etc. and they said no. After saying no, I stopped." Note: Just read that they were sympathetic with you. That's cool. But still be careful.

3- However, now that people have complained...you must be careful.

4- Confidence? Listen, there is NOTHING wrong with being a Security Officer. You are a natural PROTECTOR and that's something that women want in a man. However, many times women that work in the same place and happen to hold the "main job" (e.g. teachers at school, nurses/doctors in hospitals, etc.) might view other positions as "lesser".

My advice...keep what you are doing...but make sure you do it OUTSIDE your work place and with people that do NOT work with you.

Take care.

 

[Latinoman]

Another thing to consider is to consider the social status of your job. Teachers are college educated, and most college educated women would not think of dating a man without a college degree. And certainly a job like being security guard is not considered a job that college educated man would be working. Of course, there are some exceptions to this rule, most notably policemen and fireman, who although are considered low educated, have the strength and power thing going for them. Unfortunately, a security guard, while somewhat like a police officer, is not really considered as the same.

Of course, I am presuming that you are pursuing women that are within your sexual market value range (educational and occupational situation removed.) If you are a bald, pot-bellied man going after the 25 year old hotties, then you would still have a problem, even if you were a fellow teacher.

Now with a informal disciplanary complaint lodged against you, I would say that your chances of hitting on other women there as nil. You should consider another place to work. And if you consider hitting on women in the future, you should hint that you are considering becoming a full policeman. This will make you look like you strive for better things.

Good observations.

 

[Latinoman]

I have...I worked with a woman for 7 years before I slept with her...we never had one conversation throughout those 7 years...I was involved/married for 5 of those years. Finally, I flirted with her after I saw her dressed up on her way to interview for another position...used all of the PUA tools I know (neg, CF, etc.), k-closed her in my car after work one evening, f-closed her a week later.

She freaked out when she learned I wanted no part of being her GF.

I simply avoided contact with her. Weird...7 years of no convo, heavy flirtation, sex, and then no convo. LOL. No biggie. She saw me flirt with her co-associate, saw me using the same lines, etc., and she never said a word, and I wouldn't have cared either way.

In fact, I personally believe having a reputation led me to sleep with another girl in the same dept. (after I left the dept). So, the ramifications were none, and I feel my "reputation" for sleeping with this girl led to other opportunities.

So...after 7 years...working in the same place. How can you focus in your career?

 

[Latinoman]

Well maybe. LOL. But I find the harder I work, the luckier I get. The more I care less about others' perceptions, the luckier I get.

Sexual harrasement is clearly and universally defined. I seduce through confidence, negs, and C & F. I don't see how it's possible to be perceived as a sexual harraser.

people are so freaking uptight these days...personally, I think women respect a guy who doesn't seem to care about being poltically correct. I'm willing to take my chances. No one's going to tell me how I should act.

This makes me wonder what are your aspirations when it comes to your career. Making women the axis of your life.

I know a few that have committed Career Suicide because of similar behavior (or Alcohol).

It has nothing to do with doing what you want or because of political correcness. It has more to do about having self control and setting your priorities straight.


I have been asked in the last 6 months TWICE by young-professional women (both very attractive) I've met as part of my job. Both my EMAIL.

1- To go to a happy hour (I think her friends were celebrating something for her) and discuss ______ (related to my professional expertise).

2- Perhaps go to lunch and discuss _____ (related to my expertise).

In both cases, I assume that their interest is solely professional and they simply want to have a chance to learn more from me. But... I have a great career and a great future. And I also have charm and I am not unattractive. So...I'm very careful how I'm perceived.