Girls says she does not want a boyfriend

[GhostWriter]

What if you were sleeping with a girl 3-4 times a week and she had a very high interest level.

She stated she wasn't sleeping with anyone else and she didn't want me to either.

You remained a challenge and did almost everything right, when she asked you the, "What are we?" question,

Your response, "I think we should just continue dating each other and see what happens, if we get into a bf/gf relationship later on then cool, if not then that's okay too. I just want to enjoy our time.

I said the last part b/c I didn't want to let her know that I like her directly, but I liked the time we spend together.

Her response was... "I don't want a bf."

However, she acts just like my girlfriend. I know you're not supposed to put any value on a woman's word, but I think this situation might be different.

As of right now, I scaled back on the attention and now I don't know what my next course of action should be... advice please? Thx.

 

[Aaron B]

women generally don't communicate directly

"i don't want a boyfriend" probably doesn't actually mean "i don't want a boyfriend"

next time i would recommend not answering her questions directly

 

[PDubb75]

I just had this EXACT situation. Crazy...

Anyway, in my case, the "I don't want a boyfriend" actually meant "based on what you told me, I don't think you want a girlfriend, so I'm gonna protect myself and put a limit to what we have".

After some time, she is now my girlfriend and admitted this to be the case when she said it. It was my comment "I love being single" that freaked her out and made her put the "I don't want a boyfriend" shield up. Maybe in your case, the unwillingness to suggest a relationship is what did it for her?

But, I could see this not being the case for all situations. Something to think about though...

 

[Sh0t]

If you don't want a girlfriend:
Have you ever heard the expression: Don't look a gift horse in the mouth?

Here is your free horse. You're having sex with her and she doesn't want a relationship(or pretends not to). CONGRATULATIONS!

If you want a girlfriend:
On the other hand, girls often want the guy to make the first move. Your answer to her was very vague, coy, and frankly, quite feminine. IF you want her to be your girlfriend, don't play games. Just ask her frankly. Look at it from her point of view.

When girls ask "what are we", that's your cue to announce your desire to be her boyfriend. Period. They don't ask that question to their sexual partners unless that's their intention.

You gave her a vague, non-commital answer. So she reacted coyly as well. Your reaction also screams 'scarcity' because you should never be afraid to lose a girl by wanting more. If she declines, it shouldn't matter, you'll get another one. Girls understand that logic.

If you like her and want her to be your girlfriend, you are going to have to change your recent strategy. Don't scale back your time or attention. You are already manly enough for her without those games.

Call her up and tell her you want to be her boyfriend. Worst she can say is no, and even if she does, you can probably still keep the status quo.

 

[tafakna]

I'd proceed with caution. I'd never follow shOt's advice here.

I was at the same point a couple of years ago. I would never push the issue, au contraire.

It seems you're doing everything right, I wouldn't scale back attention as much as I would be unpredictable. If you're sleeping together 4 times a week things might be too comfortable and predictable for her.

Keep giving some attention, then all of a sudden go out with your friends and break a date. It's when she starts feeling both interested and insecure that things will change.

Worked for me at least.

Good luck!

 

[CJ 101]

Just don't push the bf-gf issue, keep on having sex with her, I know that women can say one thing and mean the total oppossite but just don't commit to being her bf and if she tries to make you feel guilty about that just remind her that she's the one who said that "she does not want a bf"

 

[Alex DeLarge]

I just had this EXACT situation. Crazy...

Anyway, in my case, the "I don't want a boyfriend" actually meant "based on what you told me, I don't think you want a girlfriend, so I'm gonna protect myself and put a limit to what we have".

After some time, she is now my girlfriend and admitted this to be the case when she said it. It was my comment "I love being single" that freaked her out and made her put the "I don't want a boyfriend" shield up. Maybe in your case, the unwillingness to suggest a relationship is what did it for her?

EXACTLY. Spot on right here. I'm pretty sure this happened with my FWB. Second time I hungout with her she was drunk and said to me

"Will you be my boyfriend? **** sorry!" - Her drunk and slipping on HER game. I just started laughing and made out with her..

This is really where I've been fvcking up lately. Just been lying to myself that I don't want a specific girl I've been seeing to be my girlfriend.

My new rule of thumb.. That is, if I want the girl to be my partner is.. Date a few times, when things start to get heavier then ask her to be your GF. Fvck all that "Wait 1 month" "Let her ask you first" stuff.. Not all girls are going to do that.

Most girls will go home, cry into their pillow about you not popping the question.. And/Or cry with their girlfriends and eat icecream about it.

I know this sh1t because one of my best friends is a chick. She tells me this stuff all the time haha.

 

[Lexington]

In these types of situations when a girl asks the "what are we?" question, the best thing to do is to make her tell you what she thinks. You can gauge her answer and respond according. It's tough to say if she really doesn't want a relationship with you or if she's just saying that because she might have interpreted your answer as disinterest. In relations with the ladies as well as many other things in life, it's best not to show your hand.

 

[perseverance]

Just set your stall out, if she isn't interested then so be it.

A man should always lead, now is your chance to lead, if she wants to take your hand then fantastic. If she doesn't then just cut contact with her, pack away your stall and move on.

 

[TheAsianLoverReturns]

She's playing you like a fiddle.

 

[Sh0t]

She's not playing him. Having sex with a guy 3-4 times a week is FAR from playing him.

Some of you are a bit too paranoid and reactive. Try to remember how girls game us when they want us. They play coy and probe and all those things.

This girl clearly wants to be his girlfriend and was rebuffed so she gave that answer. There is no need for games if you both are on the same page. OP wants her to be his gf, she wants OP to be her bf. There is zero incentive for games in that situation, when both people want the same thing.

There is such a thing as over gaming.

If you see a girl more than twice a week, that's pretty much a relationship. Frequency is the number one variable when trying to set a distance with a girl. If you see a girl for sex once every two weeks, that is a FB/FWB, etc. Once a week is acceptable but still pushing it.

However, if you see a girl several times A WEEK, that is nothing resembling a FB or FWB situation. IF you see one girl 3-4 times a week, that leaves very little time to see and meet with other girls. Same goes for her and boys(though women are slightly more devious).

I try to avoid seeing girls more than once a week, unless I need to see them more often to keep them around. If I wanted a girl to be my girlfriend, I would see her as much as possible.

Frequency versus intensity of hang-outs is one of the key differences in male/female psychology when it comes to relationships. Guys can **** a chick 4 times a week and not care one thing for her. We can also see our main girl once a week and still be very much in love.

For women, it's the opposite. For them, intensity takes a back seat to frequency and regularity.

 

[tafakna]

This girl clearly wants to be his girlfriend and was rebuffed so she gave that answer. There is no need for games if you both are on the same page. OP wants her to be his gf, she wants OP to be her bf. There is zero incentive for games in that situation, when both people want the same thing.

I agree with a lot of what you've said. Except the idea that all is well.

If it was a done deal there would be a post here on Sosuave. Keep in mind that there are always hidden details, things not mentioned, so I assume things are always a little worse than it appears.

If things are going well, if they are spending time together, he can just keep doing that without giving her too much certainty. Things will happen naturally.

If he pushes the issue he's risking a huge setback in the worst case scenario, i.e. if there are still barriers making her reluctant to get into a formal relationship.

It's not like she's playing him (I agree with you). He's getting laid, he's getting her attention and things are working fine. Why risk it?

 

[GhostWriter]

I do not bring up the relationship issue, ever.

She is the one that mentions it and asks questions regarding out status. Which is why it confused me as to why she stated that she did not want a bf.

I decided to pull back b/c I wanted to re-evaluate my situation, suddenly she's all too eager to please me.

I just felt like I lost power in the sense that she was the first to claim that she did not want a boyfriend, making her the prized one. I know as men, we should always be on the dominant side, with the power struggle being tipped in our favor.

I'm going to just sex her up as much as possible and let her invest her time and money on me while I use my resources sparingly on her. Concurrently, find other women and see what happens. If she asks the, "What are we?" question again in the future though, what would you respond?

*I do not think it is a good idea to say I want you to be my girlfriend. I also do not want to answer her questions with another question asking how she views us as, because once again I'd be leaving the power in her hand to reject/deny.

 

[perseverance]

If you want her to be your girlfriend then you are going to have state your intentions and unfortunately that will leave you open for rejection. If she rejects you then so what? You're not going to die.

If you don't want her to be your girlfriend then just take as much sex on tap as you can get and then wrap it on and walk away from her.

Why are you overanalysing and why are you worried about control and domination? It is clear you've lost that 'battle' already.

 

[GhostWriter]

I'm still under the impression that only the women should ask to be exclusive and put the title on.

If I give her the power to answer, I'm not afraid of being rejected.

What I am afraid of is letting her answer yes without truly meaning it. How would I know for certain if she's telling the truth?

I do. She has to ask to be my girlfriend. Anything short and I do not know how she really feels.

http://www.sosuave.com/halloffame/hall191.htm

I suppose since she did let me know that she's not sleeping with anyone else, that kind of meant being exclusive but not in a relationship.

I guess titles really don't mean crap, but It's just awkward whenever people ask if we're boyfriend or girlfriend.

 

[tafakna]

Ghost,

It's a delicate situation for sure. On one hand pushing too much on the issue will set things back big time if you come across as being needy.

On the other hand leaving things in a limbo will eventually lead her to take you for granted, like you will always be there.

So you want a commitment for here without appearing too anxious. I'm not sure how long you've been seeing her and that changes everything.

If you decide to confront here on the issue be strong and prepared to a negative answer. You need to remain calm and show your independence and strength. The trick is you have to take something away for her to make a choice, as she might be just too comfortable with things they way they are.

You will basically confront her without appearning needy, just mentioning that it's time for you guys to define what sort of relationship you have (always mention the word relationship playfully like it's questionable if you even have a relationship).

Let her speak her mind. If she appears not willing to commit, you have too appear completely unfazed and fine with her choice. Tell her it's best if you two start to see other people and give a break for each other. And let her experience life without the certainty of having you.

Of coure you'll be taking your chances, but you appear not to be comfortable leaving things like they are...

Good luck!

 

[Sh0t]

Seriously, you are over complicating this.

There is no power struggle going on. You are just insecure, afraid of her rejecting you. YOU already rejected her.

You don't need to go out and find other women(unless you want to). If SHE is what you want, she already have her. She was the one rebuffed. You rebuffed her. So she had a defensive reaction in "i don't want a boyfriend". Her reply was the standard defensive mechanism. Pretend you don't want what you really want if you can't get it.

There is nothing wrong with asking a girl to be your girlfriend. It is not weak or any of that. If that were the case, that logic would extend down to approaching, making the first sexual move, etc. Men are supposed to lead, remember?

Your main problem is you are insecure, which manifests as you being overly concerned about your 'power'. The only power you have in a relation is your willingness to leave it. That's it.

Don't kid yourself into thinking you are some strong guy, waiting for her to ask you. That's WEAK. All that shows is that you are afraid of her saying 'no'.

Waiting around for women to do anything is WEAK. Men are proactive. Women are reactive. You've convinced yourself it's the other way around, to protect your weak ego.



Don't approach it in some weak new-agey, "we need to talk" BS. Just be direct.

Also, very few worthwhile women will ask a guy to be her man anyway. It's an extreme sign of desperation for a woman to do that.

 

[PokerStar]

The only power you have in a relation is your willingness to leave it. That's it.

quoted for signature.

 

[Aaron B]

The only power you have in a relation is your willingness to leave it. That's it.

yes! brilliant!

to expand your idea:

Your only currency is that you are the sole controller of her access to your time and attention.

You can and should use this currency to punish her disrespectful behavior and to reward her good behavior.

When you focus on what she is doing and reacting to her you tend to ignore how she is treating you. If you reward her bad treatment of you with access to your time and attention, you are communicating to her that you desire to be treated poorly.

If she doesn't care that you have restricted her access to your time and attention as punishment, that means she either has low interest in you or she is playing power games.

You don't want either of these traits in a partner. Or at least you shouldn't!

Its counter-intuitive for us as men that some women will spend time with us and enter relationships with us when they have a low interest level or want to play power games with us. In reality this can and does happen when we don't use our currency to screen out women who treat us poorly.

 

[tafakna]

The only power you have in a relation is your willingness to leave it. That's it.

If you read my post again that's what I'm saying. He should confront her, if she's not willing to commit he has to force a break, and show his willingness to move on.

On 80% of the issue we do agree. Our main difference is that you think it's a done deal, while I'm a bit more skeptical.

'I don't want a bf' and not wanting him to have other partners does strike me as there could be other issues here. It's classical behavior of girls that have ex's or long distance bfs and might be in the ideal situation of getting the attention she craves without commiting herself.

Hopefully that's not the case...