Okay, this was written for girls, and stolen from another forum. But I couldn't resist.
I have put together a few little rules to follow for all you women out there who need some help in the dating world. Let’s move forward:
1. Furnish your entire apartment with Ikea and Pottery Barn goods. Guys love a girl who has a burgundy flower pot filled with bamboo painted red sticking out of it, or at least empty picture frames painted various colors. We want uniform, conformity, and traditional values.
2. Mention your ex-boyfriend as much as possible. I cannot stress this point enough… guys work on what I like to call “Jealousy Fuel” it controls every aspect of our lives from careers down to golf clubs. We need to know how “Brett” used to send you flowers every Friday and that you knew the relationship was coming to an end when he forgot 2 weeks in a row despite being on a business trip to Germany.
3. Devote one entire wall in your bedroom to a fantastic collage of photos with your friends. Heck, it is even alright if you put a few photos up there from your trip to France back in high school, I know you were a bit thinner back then and that your crazy stint on Deprovera really packed on the pounds for a few months, but “Brett” didn’t want to have to worry about getting you pregnant so you took it for him. It is fine; just make sure you tell us the excuse.
4. Appearance. I can only speak for about 99.9% of the male population on this one but there is nothing more sexy than a tattoo in the small of your back. If you do not have one of these, get one. If you do have one of these, make sure you wear clothing that will be sure to rise just above the small of your back as much as possible. It comes down to visibility, let it be seen.
5. Behavior. Next to lower back tattoos we like to see a girl flaunting what she is about and who she is, but our tastes are very specific. We like a girl who orders great drinks such as “Sex on the Beach” or a “Chocolate Mocha Martini with a quarter shot of vodka”.
What we like even more is when you have a couple sips and pretend to be completely intoxicated to the point where you just feel it necessary to mention how drunk you are at any given moment. We want a girl who needs us, we want to make you better, we don’t want an adult capable of taking care of herself. We want thoughtlessness, we want hasty, we want reckless abandon.
6. Career. If you really want to tickle a guy’s fancy: spend an hour or two discussing all the interesting people you meet at your job of making coffee. Most men are suckers for mundane details about how a gentleman ordered a double hot pump soy mocha latte and complained when he saw you only give it one pump instead of two.
I want to hear about your job as a mass marketing girl handing out flyers at that new club that just opened up downtown, I think “Yoodu Bar” was its name, tell me more…
7. Dates. If you have followed these steps so far you are on your way to netting yourself a good catch but there is a bit of first date etiquette to follow as well.
a. On a date, always order an expensive bottle of wine, an expensive dish, and an appetizer because you just “love fried artichokes”. We like to prove that we have the money it takes to support you and want to show you that we know how to treat a woman right.
After food arrives, proceed to not take more than a single bite of any of it. Also make sure you work on the same single glass of wine through the entire duration of the meal.
b. Make sure that you answer any text messages you get during dinner. This shows us that you are popular and ignites the “Jealousy Fuel” mentioned earlier. On a side note, make sure that your text messaging alert sound is a clip from a current top 40 song; make sure it is the whole song and never silence your phone.
c. Please get up at least once after the meal has been brought to the table and head off to the restroom for at least 10-15 minutes. It is important that you give us men this time to finish our hearty meals that we ordered so that we are not forced into trying to have a conversation instead.
8. Inviting me over. If the date went good (and it would if you followed my steps) you can invite me over to your house to watch a movie or talk a bit. When I enter the first thing I want to hear about is all 18 of your pets along with their names. Show me Mittens, the Baroness of Catopia. Please direct me towards your pet gerbil “Frank III” and explain why he is the 3rd Frank and not just the first. I want to know. What about the photos on your wall of your cat and gerbils, show me those too.
9. Sex. Probably the most important part for most men, do not fret, I will guide you through what we like.
a. Under no circumstance reciprocate anything the man does to you during your first sexual encounter. When I go down on you and you push me away afterwards, I am filled with a joy that cannot be expressed in words. It keeps me hanging; I like games, play games with me.
b. When sex occurs please lay there in a frigid missionary position, do not move much or make any noise. Sex is about me, not you. If you want you can even make a request to put your Family Guy DVD on TV before we start, this will work as a good ice breaker and we will not have to spend time trying to share a moment with each other. It is all about the raw sex, we don’t like emotions.
c. Do not give *******s. We hate blow jobs but if it is something that you must do then make sure to follow these quick tips. Never let a guy finish in your mouth, it disgusts us to the core. Grab something near by, hey there is my t-shirt right there on the floor, pick that up. Now quickly, when the moment arrives make sure you practice the switching technique of moving my penis into my brand new threads. I will not mind, I will find it a resourceful and tactical move on your part and will respect you even more.
I have put together a few little rules to follow for all you women out there who need some help in the dating world. Let’s move forward:
1. Furnish your entire apartment with Ikea and Pottery Barn goods. Guys love a girl who has a burgundy flower pot filled with bamboo painted red sticking out of it, or at least empty picture frames painted various colors. We want uniform, conformity, and traditional values.
2. Mention your ex-boyfriend as much as possible. I cannot stress this point enough… guys work on what I like to call “Jealousy Fuel” it controls every aspect of our lives from careers down to golf clubs. We need to know how “Brett” used to send you flowers every Friday and that you knew the relationship was coming to an end when he forgot 2 weeks in a row despite being on a business trip to Germany.
3. Devote one entire wall in your bedroom to a fantastic collage of photos with your friends. Heck, it is even alright if you put a few photos up there from your trip to France back in high school, I know you were a bit thinner back then and that your crazy stint on Deprovera really packed on the pounds for a few months, but “Brett” didn’t want to have to worry about getting you pregnant so you took it for him. It is fine; just make sure you tell us the excuse.
4. Appearance. I can only speak for about 99.9% of the male population on this one but there is nothing more sexy than a tattoo in the small of your back. If you do not have one of these, get one. If you do have one of these, make sure you wear clothing that will be sure to rise just above the small of your back as much as possible. It comes down to visibility, let it be seen.
5. Behavior. Next to lower back tattoos we like to see a girl flaunting what she is about and who she is, but our tastes are very specific. We like a girl who orders great drinks such as “Sex on the Beach” or a “Chocolate Mocha Martini with a quarter shot of vodka”.
What we like even more is when you have a couple sips and pretend to be completely intoxicated to the point where you just feel it necessary to mention how drunk you are at any given moment. We want a girl who needs us, we want to make you better, we don’t want an adult capable of taking care of herself. We want thoughtlessness, we want hasty, we want reckless abandon.
6. Career. If you really want to tickle a guy’s fancy: spend an hour or two discussing all the interesting people you meet at your job of making coffee. Most men are suckers for mundane details about how a gentleman ordered a double hot pump soy mocha latte and complained when he saw you only give it one pump instead of two.
I want to hear about your job as a mass marketing girl handing out flyers at that new club that just opened up downtown, I think “Yoodu Bar” was its name, tell me more…
7. Dates. If you have followed these steps so far you are on your way to netting yourself a good catch but there is a bit of first date etiquette to follow as well.
a. On a date, always order an expensive bottle of wine, an expensive dish, and an appetizer because you just “love fried artichokes”. We like to prove that we have the money it takes to support you and want to show you that we know how to treat a woman right.
After food arrives, proceed to not take more than a single bite of any of it. Also make sure you work on the same single glass of wine through the entire duration of the meal.
b. Make sure that you answer any text messages you get during dinner. This shows us that you are popular and ignites the “Jealousy Fuel” mentioned earlier. On a side note, make sure that your text messaging alert sound is a clip from a current top 40 song; make sure it is the whole song and never silence your phone.
c. Please get up at least once after the meal has been brought to the table and head off to the restroom for at least 10-15 minutes. It is important that you give us men this time to finish our hearty meals that we ordered so that we are not forced into trying to have a conversation instead.
8. Inviting me over. If the date went good (and it would if you followed my steps) you can invite me over to your house to watch a movie or talk a bit. When I enter the first thing I want to hear about is all 18 of your pets along with their names. Show me Mittens, the Baroness of Catopia. Please direct me towards your pet gerbil “Frank III” and explain why he is the 3rd Frank and not just the first. I want to know. What about the photos on your wall of your cat and gerbils, show me those too.
9. Sex. Probably the most important part for most men, do not fret, I will guide you through what we like.
a. Under no circumstance reciprocate anything the man does to you during your first sexual encounter. When I go down on you and you push me away afterwards, I am filled with a joy that cannot be expressed in words. It keeps me hanging; I like games, play games with me.
b. When sex occurs please lay there in a frigid missionary position, do not move much or make any noise. Sex is about me, not you. If you want you can even make a request to put your Family Guy DVD on TV before we start, this will work as a good ice breaker and we will not have to spend time trying to share a moment with each other. It is all about the raw sex, we don’t like emotions.
c. Do not give *******s. We hate blow jobs but if it is something that you must do then make sure to follow these quick tips. Never let a guy finish in your mouth, it disgusts us to the core. Grab something near by, hey there is my t-shirt right there on the floor, pick that up. Now quickly, when the moment arrives make sure you practice the switching technique of moving my penis into my brand new threads. I will not mind, I will find it a resourceful and tactical move on your part and will respect you even more.
