Girlfriend's ex-boyfriend just died

[LondonLeo]

At a bit of a loss. Been going out for a month. She's not in this country atm. I never ask about ex's, but suddenly she's going on and on about him, I'm having to check up on her to see if she's ok all the time (against my DJ instincts) and generally losing the edge. Any tips - I can't really walk away here, but not keen to be a sucker either. I like her, and until this happened everything was under control. Thanks

 

[KontrollerX]

Its ok to support your girlfriend when tragedy strikes like this.

Just listen when she needs to talk about this to process her way through it and eventually the grieving period should pass.

You're already her boyfriend so its not like she's going to friendzone you over being caring in a particularly bad time for her where caring is necessary.

If she does that then she wasn't the right one for you anyway.

Anyway as the grief dies down go back to DJ business as usual with her.

Edit: Just noticed you've only been together a month.

Do what DJDamage said instead.

 

[DJDamage]

You only know her a month, so don't make her your girlfriend already. It is dangerous at the early stages to show too much understanding and support in this case, because her interest in you are not yet established and she could see you in a different light. Give her space to get over it and just make another date soon. If all she can talk about is her dead ex on a date and doesn't care about the date itself, then go spin other plates and leave her be.

 

[STR8UP]

Tough situation.

The only girlfriend i ever had who I "should have" married lost her father a couple of years prior to us getting together, then lost her SISTER to leukemia right after we got together.

I felt really bad for her but I didn't know what to do. I couldn't even go be with her and her family up in Michigan where they were trying to treat this poor girl since I had just started my business and had no way to leave. I can still remember to this day the phone convo with her sobbing, basically speechless, the day before she passed when they pretty much knew she wasn't going to make it. I really wish I were a more compassionate person back then, cause I honestly didn't know how to deal with something like that, and I know she could have probably used more support from me.

As for your situation....hopefully since this wasn't family that she lost it will be easier for her to move on. Just try to be supportive and listen listen LISTEN. That's really what she needs right now.

 

[LondonLeo]

Thanks guys. My initial reaction was to be there, but also give space as it's an ex, and not something I want to hear about particularly. She got upset, "thanks for your support, not", etc... I've been more supportive since, and she likes me I know, but it kinda hurts how cut up she is about the other guy (sorry, just saying how it is). Anyway, I'm spinning another plate, but just really pissed at it happening, because until then things were going well.

 

[STR8UP]

Dude, I hate to sound cold about it, but "that's life".

Unfortunately you got caught like I did. In the very beginning of a relationship the LAST thing you want to have to deal with is an issue such as death, and I feel for you being her ex b/f.....no need to apologize for YOUR feelings here, cause I think most of us would be in the same situation.

 

[LondonLeo]

Yeah... I'll let you know how it goes if anyone's interested. To answer why make her your gf after a month, as far as I know she hasn't had many boyfriends, and wouldn't sleep with me unless she was official... sorry, I like good girls, and without sex I just don't have time for being with someone.

 

[squirrels]

Dude, she can't expect you to bring him back...or to "make it feel better" or "solve her problems". All you can do is offer a shoulder, let her cry it out, and then leave her alone until she's finished "mourning".

I mean, Jesus, if I had an "ex" I'd feel bad if she died, too, for a couple minutes...then I'd be over it.

 

[STR8UP]

I mean, Jesus, if I had an "ex" I'd feel bad if she died, too, for a couple minutes...then I'd be over it.

But you aren't a woman. This is always a perfect opportunity to open the emotional floodgates. Not saying they do it on purpose or that they do it to consciously manipulate, but that's how they are.

 

[Desdinova]

Its ok to support your girlfriend when tragedy strikes like this.

I agree, but the key is moderation. Be there when she needs you to be there, but don't make your primary focus of life to comfort her until she gets over it. It's her job to deal with the death, it's your job as a bf to help her move on. You're not there to mourn with her over some deceased penis she fvcked.

When she feels like crap, take her out for a fun activity and she'll forget about the dead guy.

 

[romangod]

At a bit of a loss. Been going out for a month. She's not in this country atm. I never ask about ex's, but suddenly she's going on and on about him, I'm having to check up on her to see if she's ok all the time (against my DJ instincts) and generally losing the edge. Any tips - I can't really walk away here, but not keen to be a sucker either. I like her, and until this happened everything was under control. Thanks

My advice is to be patient while she goes through the grieving process. She's probably feeling many mixed emotions including her own mortality. Be a caring man without being a door mat and your relationship will probably get stronger. Good luck.


.

 

[joekerr31]

Thanks guys. My initial reaction was to be there, but also give space as it's an ex, and not something I want to hear about particularly. She got upset, "thanks for your support, not", etc... I've been more supportive since, and she likes me I know, but it kinda hurts how cut up she is about the other guy (sorry, just saying how it is). Anyway, I'm spinning another plate, but just really pissed at it happening, because until then things were going well.

grow up dude. the guy DIED. not like hollywood movie bruce willis died but really it was all a trick and he's sitting on some beach in the bahamas dead - real life dead. he is no longer here. his cold lifeless body is six feet under ground right now.

and this was a guy that she at one point cared for. who she had sex with (most likely). and now he is a cold stiff lifeless body.

and you're upset that this is upsetting her?

i mean, grow the f*ck up dude.

its pretty obvioust that you have never lost someone close to you. if you had you wouldn't be focused on how her grieving 'hurts' you.

 

[LondonLeo]

I think that's fair joekerr, I've never lost anyone young that's close to me. I must be very lucky, but thanks for your input, it helps me gain perspective, which is why I posted it here and was as honest as possible as to how I felt.

 

[joekerr31]

I think that's fair joekerr, I've never lost anyone young that's close to me. I must be very lucky, but thanks for your input, it helps me gain perspective, which is why I posted it here and was as honest as possible as to how I felt.

no problem.

basically the one and only thing in this world that i give women a free pass on is death. when someone close to a woman dies, i cut them a lot of slack in terms of how they come to terms with it.

remember, these situations are not just about the person who died. when someone close to you dies it doesn't just upset you in terms of having lost them, it also is a huge slap in the face that at some point you too are going to die.

for some people who go through life never really thinking about the fact that it will one day end, losing someone close (especially if they are young) can be very disturbing and hard to cope with.

 

[iqqi]

Wow. An ex dying has to be some god awful sh!t to go through. How long were they together?

Don't do any DJ tactics when it comes to this. Use your basic humanity senses on this one. I agree with Joekerr, that death = slide on a lot of stuff.

Either way, two things are going to happen now.

1. The relationship will die. This is from insane stress placed on a new LTR. Happens. As a Decent Human Being, know that this is a possibility, and just try to help her out in this time, if you actually care about her.

OR

2. The relationship will be stronger. She will appreciate and take comfort in the fact that you were a man, a rock so to speak, and that in times of crisis, she can depend on you to hold her down. After all, women want protection, right darwinists of this site?

In that sense it is true. Women want someone who can hold them through the sh!tstorms of life. They want a man who is strong, and resilient, but also kind and sensitive.

IF #1 is what happens here, I would not be surprised if she came looking for you in the years to come. Women always remember the One Who Got Away.

 

[drmeathead]

the death of anyone esp someone close to us, if nothing else, is traumatic because it reminds of how frail life is. that being said she probably had unresovled feelings for him on some level. you are the guy she is dating not her social worker. take her on dates for fun things. if she opens up to you on an on the level that she talks about death in general or even about him a little bit that is ok. however an open sob fest about how great he was isnt appropriate. that is what her sister, mom, or bffffffffffffffff...ffffffff.....fffff is for.

while it is good that she may feel open enough to share her feelings with you, it is not good that she isnt over this guy. give her space. let her clear her head. if she comes back, great if not well you deserve more than being second fiddle.

 

[aliasguy]

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Well, at least now you don't have to sweat her f*cking him behind your back!!!
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[penkitten]

when someone you used to love, and a piece of you still does in some hidden nook of your heart, and you didn't get to say things like "goodbye", or "i'm sorry for such and such" it bothers you.
you can not imagine how it will bother you, until it happens.

there is so much guilt left to those of us who still live in this earthly realm when someone we care or cared about passes through to the next realm.

how do you ask forgiveness from someone who is dead?
how do you ask forgiveness of yourself?
why weren't you a better friend?

then you start to question your own mortality...
how long until i die?
what should i do with my life?
what is the purpose of my life?
is there a god, or isn't there?

do you want to be a good friend to your girlfriend? show her you care?
instead of thinking of reasons to be upset, think of things you can do to let her know that you care about her and that you are sorry she lost a friend.
you can tell her, you can assure her that just because one person dies does not mean that we will all go tomorrow... things like that.