Girlfriend suddenly chatting with ex on facebook

[the_stig]

Been dating a girl (29) for 5 months now, high interest, have held the frame beautifully, laid the zero tolerance boundaries early for ex's or hanging out with guys resulting in her dropping them immediately.

Tonight she sarcastically tells me "Your horoscope says you will reveal something you've been hiding" and goes on to "speaking of which, I did something I feel bad about, but you probably would have done the same". After a minute of "I'm not telling" she states an ex she dated in highschool just moved back to our state, sent her a friend request on facebook, and they had chatted. She went on to tell me about how much he freaked out when she broke up with him back then.

I remained cool and nonreactive because I wasn't sure how I should take it, but this seems like the the first hurdle I'll need to address. He's well below me in looks but appears to be in a band. The relationship has been sound, but my cause for concern is that recently she has been complaining of "not always feeling secure" mainly because we move at different speeds (me much slower and standing my ground) and it's not where she thought it'd be (hasn't met family, etc).

Looking for advice or opinions.

 

[runner83]

Tough one, but all I can suggest is to not act insecure.

Just because they are chatting on facebook doesn't necessarily mean she is looking to hook up with him. But if he has game, it could spell danger if he can work his magic on her

Married chicks and chicks with boyfriends I have been with (where it started with either e-mail or facebook), the guys (as far as I know) never had a clue that I had desecrated their women.

Don't act insecure and drive her away, but at the same time, don't believe that they never will cheat...because almost all women will, if they happen to find another dude they are more attracted to in the moment.

 

[betheman]

I smell alarm bells! I think this one is one the way out! brace for impact, grab the chute and be ready to bail! hold on to your dignity

 

[idk575]

This almost never goes well haha, but you know her better than us. The absolute worst thing you can do though is act really jealous upset. Put it this way, if you act like you don't care and she does it, she would have been more apt to do it if you acted really jealous. If you wanna cause something to happen, start acting upset and like it bothers you.

Also, it's only facebook..

 

[st_99]

She is 29 and its an ex from HIGH SCHOOL. I mean, are you that insecure? Wow.

 

[betheman]

She is 29 and its an ex from HIGH SCHOOL. I mean, are you that insecure? Wow.

you can call it insecure, I call it alarm bells, why would a 29 year old behave like a 15 year old?

 

[Iceberg]

It's just something to keep an eye on. I wouldn't freak out about it yet.

Trust your eyes and your gut more than trusting random opinions from guys on this site. You have to consider that a lot of them have had their hearts broken way too many times.

 

[zekko]

I remained cool and nonreactive because I wasn't sure how I should take it, but this seems like the the first hurdle I'll need to address. He's well below me in looks but appears to be in a band.

Of course you know what's coming next, right? He's going to invite her to come see his band. That doesn't necessarily mean there's hanky panky going on though, most musicians are looking to bring in more audience.

I keep pretty firm boundaries, but I wouldn't have an objection to my girl talking to someone on Facebook, not even an ex. I agree you shouldn't get insecure over this, but always sleep with one eye open. At the five month mark, she may be ready to jump to another branch (even an inferior one) if she doesn't see your relationship going anywhere. You can be all alpha and never commit, but usually in that case that plate will eventually spin out.

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

Been dating a girl (29) for 5 months now, high interest, have held the frame beautifully, laid the zero tolerance boundaries early for ex's or hanging out with guys resulting in her dropping them immediately.

Tonight she sarcastically tells me "Your horoscope says you will reveal something you've been hiding" and goes on to "speaking of which, I did something I feel bad about, but you probably would have done the same". After a minute of "I'm not telling" she states an ex she dated in highschool just moved back to our state, sent her a friend request on facebook, and they had chatted. She went on to tell me about how much he freaked out when she broke up with him back then.

I remained cool and nonreactive because I wasn't sure how I should take it, but this seems like the the first hurdle I'll need to address. He's well below me in looks but appears to be in a band. The relationship has been sound, but my cause for concern is that recently she has been complaining of "not always feeling secure" mainly because we move at different speeds (me much slower and standing my ground) and it's not where she thought it'd be (hasn't met family, etc).

Looking for advice or opinions.

You answered your own question. If she hangs out with him then she is done.

 

[Jariel]

You did well not to react. What I find works well in these situations is good old fashioned reverse psychology.

I remember I found out my (now ex) girlfriend had been emailing her ex. I confronted her on it at first, but then decided to change my attitude I told her, "You know, it's really good that you're still on good terms with Carl. If you want to meet up with him that's cool with me" She seemed quite confused and was telling me she had no intention of meeting him, she was just catching up via email. I then told her "No, seriously, it's cool with me. Laura (my ex) has asked me to go for a drink a few times and I guess it would be quite cool to catch up with her as we really used to get along."

Suddenly everything changed and my girlfriend was the one acting insecure, promising not to talk to her ex again and more or less begging me not to meet up with mine. I kept affirming that she should carry on talking to him, which drove her mad.

 

[Nutz]

Been dating a girl (29) for 5 months now, high interest, have held the frame beautifully, laid the zero tolerance boundaries early for ex's or hanging out with guys resulting in her dropping them immediately.

Tonight she sarcastically tells me "Your horoscope says you will reveal something you've been hiding" and goes on to "speaking of which, I did something I feel bad about, but you probably would have done the same". After a minute of "I'm not telling" she states an ex she dated in highschool just moved back to our state, sent her a friend request on facebook, and they had chatted. She went on to tell me about how much he freaked out when she broke up with him back then.

I remained cool and nonreactive because I wasn't sure how I should take it, but this seems like the the first hurdle I'll need to address. He's well below me in looks but appears to be in a band. The relationship has been sound, but my cause for concern is that recently she has been complaining of "not always feeling secure" mainly because we move at different speeds (me much slower and standing my ground) and it's not where she thought it'd be (hasn't met family, etc).

Looking for advice or opinions.

The red flag here isn't that she talked to him, but in how she played games telling you he contacted her, assuming she didn't contact him first instead.

Just be firm and say something to the effect of "You already know my position on exes and guy 'friends'." That should be all that needs to be said at that point. She'll probably ask what that means exactly in which case you just clarify your point, that you find it wholly inappropriate for someone your in a relationship with to be paling around with exes or guys they know want to f*ck them. Make it a point that if she's not mature enough to understand this or is unwilling to respect your feelings on the matter that maybe you're not a good match for each other after all. (basically laying it all out there what the line is and what happens if she crosses it--you must be willing to cut her loose if she fails to meet those standards)

If they're stunned and balk, you do have a little wiggle room. You can say that you don't mind her having friends, but that in the case of guys you need to meet them and hang out as well to get an idea of what they're all about. This gives you the option to mate guard while letting her see the old flame or hang out with an orbiter once in a while.

 

[backbreaker]

is this thread real life lol?


HS GF's are you fvcking serious? this is an alarm? Your GF is an attractive woman and she sees **** after **** on a daily basis and you are worried about her turning b ack the clock to 2001 and laying the mack down to some dude she fvcked 10 years ago lol?


here is a newsflash. in the real world,l sometimes people genuinely wonder how people are doing. I know I always contact ex's once it's been some years. sometimes i see ex's at stores and we exchange numbers and i might send them an email or two just because I am genunieally curious as to how life is going. sometimes they might have had a baby and I want to see baby pictures. sometimes they got married and want to see wedding pictures. a lot of fvckign life happens in 10 years. I know in particular one girl I dated my senior year of HS now has a pretty bad meth problem and for a while I when I am in little rock,l which is a few times a year usually I might catch upw tih her and go to an NA/AA meeting and maybe grab some coffee or something afters and talk for a mintue. My wife doesn't even bother coming alone she knows nothing is going to happen. I might not want to fvck her or i might not dat her but sometimes it's nice just to let people you know you give a ****. I'm quite sure she wouldn't mind fvcking me, in fact i know she does but she also knows that isnt' happening and she knows not to even broch the subject or else i wont' bother talking to her because i'm happily married.

you know how many times my wife has contacted ex's from 10-15 years ago. hell we took one out to dinner. I truly do not give a fvck. not one. at the same time, when we are in little rock, me and her and one of my ex's who I am decent friends with goes out to eat with her and her husband and her and my ex GF talk **** about me while her husband and I get drunk and talk **** about her lol it's actually pretty fun.

seriously, people grow up and grow out.

Your best response should've been "so? how's he doing?"

If my wife was so fvcking insure as to think I want to go back and fvck all my hih school crushes she wouldn't be my wife. no way in hell i would put up with a woman that damn insecure.

 

[the_stig]

Yeah backbreaker this thread is real life. I've reconnected and hooked up with girls from my distant past as I'm sure lots of other guys from this site have. I'm not insecure but recognize that in the real world incidents like this can open doors and opportunities.

She brought him up today and judging from her "I don't know what I ever saw in him" tone I don't think this is going to be an issue, however in 2012 one can't be too prudent.

 

[backbreaker]

**** your girl CAN get killed by a stray bobcat if she stepped outside. alot of random **** CAN happen but this is fvcking rediclous.


then the same guys wonder why girls are wondering and leaving them and losing interest after x amount of time. no one wants to be in a sufficating relationship where your boyfriend gives you the spanish inqusition beucase she does the slightest ****

there are things you should be worried about b ut this is not one of them. and frankly, if she was going to F him, what in the world is you being a douche about the situation going to do to help the situation? not a damn thing.

the point being, if she is the type of girl that goes back and fvcks guys from 10 years ago 6 months into a new relationship, that's the type of stuff you determine when youa re screening a woman, not when you are half a year in a relationship. at this point if she is that type of woman there is nothing you are going to be able to do about it.



it's a zero sum point of view.

 

[bigneil]

Stalker.

 

[The_411]

Basic rule of thumb is that if you get that gut feeling then it's time to get out. A girl who is in love with you and is of quality should tell you what happened directly. Why should she play games if it means nothing or she ahd nothing to hide?

The better question here is what is really going on in your relationship on the whole and are you being blind to some other things pointing towards the demise of the realtionship.

Being insecure isn't the issue here. When some acts shady that's never a good sign and the key is to basically give the impression that if she stays or goes is of little consequence.

 

[rum]

Well next time she's logging into facebook keep a keen eye on her password (if you don't know it already)

log in when she's not around and read the chat logs

 

[idk575]

Well next time she's logging into facebook keep a keen eye on her password (if you don't know it already)

log in when she's not around and read the chat logs

...

 

[Jariel]

Well next time she's logging into facebook keep a keen eye on her password (if you don't know it already)

log in when she's not around and read the chat logs

 

[rum]

What's so eek worthy about that? You want to know what they're saying...find out!