Girlfriend of 6 years no longer puts in effort (sex, lingerie, flirting)

[spax]

Hi guys,

I have been going out with my girlfriend for 6 years.

3 months ago she moved 5 hours away for work so we only see each other maybe once every 3 weeks.

Over the past 2 or so years, she has declined in putting in effort when it comes to things like sex, lingerie, flirting, and keeping it interesting.

She knows I love lingerie, but even when we go on a fancy date - she doesn't bother wearing anything but plain old boring cotton panties. Even on our anniversary 6 months ago, I took us to stay at a hotel at the beach and she didn't have anything sexy to wear. I was fuming.

I always give her hints to wear lingerie, send cheeky messages, but she never delivers. She knows I preferred brazilian waxed girls, but ONLY ONCE in our 6 year relationship has she ever done it.

In the first few years of our relationship - she would be more cheeky and wear sexier things and aim to please. Now - nothing.

It is getting even worse now. I picked her up from the airport last week after not seeing her for 3 weeks and she wasn't even wearing make up. Plus, now that she lives further away from me - her body has turned to crap. She has developed a little belly and I have been telling her for weeks to join a gym. Nope. She used to have a great booty, but it has now disappeared due to her new sedentary lifestyle.

Anyway, about 5 days ago I told her all these problems I have with her and that I am pretty much unattracted to her since she never goes to any effort - especially since we are long distance and you would think she would try make the occasions special. She just got pissy and hasn't spoken to me since then (I haven't either).

So, what do I do guys? I am on the verge of dumping her but I know she will "promise" to change. She will beg me to see her. She will say she will improve - and "this time it will be for real". I'll see her, and she might pull out some old lingerie and **** me till I'm happy, but then i know it won't happen again unless I stirred up this issue. She'll never surprise me.

Am I overacting? Are these things not a big deal? By the way, she's not seeing anyone else I am 100% sure. I am not unattractive either. I am 6 ft 2, girls regularly tell me that I have 8.5+ facial aesthetics, fit, good car, money, well dressed. So I am keeping up my end of the relationship.

Thoughts appreciated.

CLIFFS
- Girlfriend of 6 years no longer wears lingerie, doesn't wax her *****, doesn't aim to please me even though she knows I LOVE those things.
- It's now a long distance relationship and she has gotten a worse body, doesn't wear makeup to see me, and refuses to join a gym.
- I told her I hate all these things about her, and we haven't spoken in 5 days.

 

[xupc]

I would do the exact same thing.

In my opinion it is good that you talked to her. I would suggest you to keep the no contact until she contacts you, and then re-evaluate depending what she will tell you.

You must keep the frame.

 

[Cremasta]

Dating any girl is not about obligation. It's about doing something that is fun and makes you feel good.

When girls stop making the effort, more often than not they're thinking about leaving.

 

[Dgwizdal]

You need to back off and start making her work for you. You're too easy and she is probably on the verge of monkey branching you. Voicing your displeasure only makes you look like a needy clingy b*tch. Withdraw attention, be short, stop giving a f*ck too and see how she reacts.

A man's first instinct is to chase what's running from him but in reality you are supposed to do the opposite. Pull away and let her come to you.

Better yet, ax this b*tch because your relationship is most likely going to fail soon anyway due to the distance. Get out first.

 

[SgtSplacker]

The only thing i'm worried about is that the loss of interest may lead to infidelity. This is how that all starts, in a couple months it will be all about you not sparking her fire when it's really her that started letting herself go. It's awesome you are already addressing this issue early on.

There may be other ways to gain her interest again but first in line is jealousy. Women respond to jealousy very well, and different from how men typically do. I'll let you decide if this is good for you or not.

Bear in mind that whatever you decide on needs to be ongoing. In my opinion women constantly need to be kept on their toes if not hypergamy kicks in and you know what happens next. Particularly in a long distance relationship.

 

[expos]

A few things...

A woman will start losing weight and prettying herself up if another guy comes into the picture. They put on a full-court press to reel another guy in. This happened to me, so I know from experience. They do not get fat, and stop putting in the effort in if she's getting with another dude, because he won't want her either.

While you necessarily didn't lose frame in addressing your concerns, she has essentially quit on you and got complacent. This is not good trait to have in an partner. 15 years down the road, when times might be tough (and they always are with kids, income, etc.) is she just going to QUIT then too? Again, this might be a pattern of behavior.

You are 6-2, 8.5 in looks, keeping in shape, good money. Can you imagine her disapproval if you decide to take a job a gas station and quit working out and genuinely stop caring about everything? I'm sure she wouldn't be happy with you.

What happens to a professional athlete if they are not putting in the time to be the best? They get CUT.

I think you know the answer here, and I think you deserve better. After 6 years, I think its pathetic for here to not give a sh!t about how much time you've invested into her.

Go silent and go no contact until she tells YOU how she's going to change.

 

[Bible_Belt]

How old are both of you? I am wondering if she decided to herself at some point that you were never going to marry her, and now she is depressed about it. If her mind is telling her that you only want her for sex, she will drive you away by ruining the sex. Emotional issues tend to create self-fulfilling prophecies that way.

If you're going to try last-ditch tactics, before you play the jealousy card, I would work the Future Husband angle. Take an evening or two and don't mention looks or sex. Talk about things like what you would name your future kids and how you would raise them, the type of house you would want to own. Then have sex with her, and see if anything changes. See if she is suddenly a lot more into you.

The good part about trying the Future Husband angle first is that it sets up the jealousy card very nicely. For that, I'd do to her what women do to men. Tell her that you don't want to weigh her down with an LTR and that the two of you should "take a break." That's not because there is anyone else; it's just because you love her and want to be a positive element in her life instead of a negative one. I would guess that you'd end up fvcking whoever you want while she's away plus get the porno fvck you're after when you do see her.

 

[bukowski_merit]

Hi guys,

I have been going out with my girlfriend for 6 years.

3 months ago she moved 5 hours away for work so we only see each other maybe once every 3 weeks.

Over the past 2 or so years, she has declined in putting in effort when it comes to things like sex, lingerie, flirting, and keeping it interesting.

She knows I love lingerie, but even when we go on a fancy date - she doesn't bother wearing anything but plain old boring cotton panties. Even on our anniversary 6 months ago, I took us to stay at a hotel at the beach and she didn't have anything sexy to wear. I was fuming.

I always give her hints to wear lingerie, send cheeky messages, but she never delivers. She knows I preferred brazilian waxed girls, but ONLY ONCE in our 6 year relationship has she ever done it.

In the first few years of our relationship - she would be more cheeky and wear sexier things and aim to please. Now - nothing.

Most women enjoy sex. A lot of women have orgasms on a level I know I've never experience. So, you'd expect them to enjoy sex simply for the pleasure.

But, that's not always true (and women who do use sex simply for pleasure are normally not dateable women.) In the beginning of the relationship - women use sex as a tool to win you over, keep you attracted, make you get rid of other girls in your life, etc. This also applies to many of her "butterfly stage" traits (not just those that apply to her sexual side.)

Once she gets you. Once she betaizes you; emasculates you; turns you into the needy one - sex then becomes a tool to manipulate you. If in the beginning, she gave you sex once a month - I doubt you would have fallen for her (unless you had absolutely no other options). So why now is it ok for her to ration off her sex to you; and not do the things you like in bed?

Because she already has you. She has no fear of losing you.

She's lost her passion for these reasons.

Complaining about it to her isn't going to work. Whenever a guy complains about something when he's coming from a position of weakness - it does the opposite of what he intended.

----

I once sat down with my ex (many many years ago) and had a 5 HOUR discussion on why she seemed to lack interest in sex. It was 5 hours of a BRUTAL battle in which she used every female manipulation method known to woman kind (tears, reversal of blame, changing it to an oppurtunity to complain about everything she didn't like about me, etc).

The story is similar to yours. First 2-3 years were highly charged sexually; then... It stopped. I tried to logically get her to see that; and asked for explanations. Then it was similar to a courtroom battle.

We lived together though.... So once that was over we fvcked like crazy all night. Later in bed and snuggling, she told me "I'll put in more effort to be more sexual with you... I miss this."

And that effort lasted about 2 weeks before she was back to acting asexual....

So what happened? She got an emotional charge out of the discussion/arguement and the sex that followed and the tenderness that followed that. It was a day and night FILLED with emotion. Which happened to be what was no longer provided by me.

---

Emotions are emotions to a woman; and feeling complacent is not the emotion you want her to feel...

There's plenty of things you can do from here.

1) Ignore her.
2) Leave her.
3) Get a side girlfriend.

These things will naturally give you some power back (although ignoring her because you're resentful about something is not very powerful it's still better than acting ok with it when you aren't).... She must feel on some level that she can lose you AND that you are something she doesn't want to lose.

Right now - this is all a power game.


The one thing you shouldn't do:

1) Continue to be in the situation as it is.

It is getting even worse now. I picked her up from the airport last week after not seeing her for 3 weeks and she wasn't even wearing make up. Plus, now that she lives further away from me - her body has turned to crap. She has developed a little belly and I have been telling her for weeks to join a gym. Nope. She used to have a great booty, but it has now disappeared due to her new sedentary lifestyle.

She cannot care about these things (her apperance) because she does not have much attraction to you. Only LOT of COMFORT. She's completly complacent.

You should be negging the fvck out of her apperance by the way.

Anyway, about 5 days ago I told her all these problems I have with her and that I am pretty much unattracted to her since she never goes to any effort - especially since we are long distance and you would think she would try make the occasions special. She just got pissy and hasn't spoken to me since then (I haven't either).

All conversations like this do is make you look more weak and needy (and what's worse is - you did it over the phone.) They achieve the opposite of what you're looking for by only putting the nails deeper into your relationships coffin.

So, what do I do guys? I am on the verge of dumping her but I know she will "promise" to change. She will beg me to see her. She will say she will improve - and "this time it will be for real". I'll see her, and she might pull out some old lingerie and **** me till I'm happy, but then i know it won't happen again unless I stirred up this issue. She'll never surprise me.

So.... Find a woman who wants to surprise you.

Much easier than trying to change her into a woman who does.

 

[om1xr]

Here is something most people don't understand about being in a relationship:

A relationship is an ongoing or repeated interaction with continuous mutual benefit.


Read that statement again.

that mean when you stop getting what you want from a relationship and there no more benefits of being in an exclusive one; there is no point of being in a relationship with that girl anymore.

Dump her and find a new girl and remember to always have a backup girl

 

[expos]

Quick question for the OP...

How is her treatment of you outside of her fatness?

Is she respectful? nice? kind? affectionate? cook for you?

I'm almost willing to give this girl a break if she's treating you well...

 

[DonGorgon]

you are in the beginning of the 7 year itch and t os very real... fro p[her now and be single for a whole ...if it was meant to be you guys would find away back some other time.;.

 

[LiveFreeX]

Do not take any of this other advice about hitting the gym or making her feel anything... who fvkin cares about what she thinks. EJECT NOW! Get up off the computer, go to your room, pack your **** into a plastic bag and run for the door.

Wait... so you are NOT MARRIED?

GTFO!!!! I would be gone to Thailand or the Philippines the next day. If you are even the least bit concerned about 'winning her back' you won't. It's that simple. LDR/LTR, fvck all that noise. If you are not married, then you are just friends, and it's time to bid your friend adieu.

Am I overacting?No Are these things not a big deal?Yes By the way, she's not seeing anyone else I am 100% sure. I am not unattractive either. I am 6 ft 2, girls regularly tell me that I have 8.5+ facial aesthetics, fit, good car, money, well dressed. So I am keeping up my end of the relationship.

Thoughts appreciated.

Your only problem is you are dumb as a bag of bricks. Take all that 'money' and go for a short trip to the Philippines.. when you get back, you won't even remember her name.

 

[spax]

UPDATE FROM OP:
--------------------

So I called GF after 5 days of no contact. She said she was all pissed off about the messages I sent her saying I was losing attraction to her. I said that they were true and she was like "HOW?!?" and I explained all the reasons.

She admitted that she doesn't go to as much effort these days and gave the typical excuse that it is because I don't show I "care" enough. LOL Last year I paid for a $20k holiday for us for her birthday! I take her on great dates, make sure she is safe, get her great gifts.

She also said that she doesn't really desire me when we are apart - only in person. Anyway, I suggested splitting up and she said "NO!!! Please no!!" and started crying.

We said we'd think about things and haven't spoken since last night.

By the way, we are only 23 and she is 22 so marriage is not an option or an issue with us.

 

[Jaylan]

She got comfortable, things wont get better, and its long distance to boot.

Dump her and find a woman who always works at the relationship emotionally and physically. Unless she had a kid, she shouldnt be letting herself go. Aside from the lack of sexual effort, she doesnt seem to really care how this will have an impact on the emotional stability of your relationship.

Leave now. Lord knows she wouldnt get this lazy about a new relationship. And how dare she pull the "you dont show you care enough" bs as an excuse for her getting lazy and complacent. Clearly you pull your weight...so I dont know what shes on about.

LEAVE NOW OP. Dont let her guilt you into staying with tears...and dont listen to false promises. A person who really wants to change wont blame shift...thats how I know anything she promises will be false. Someone who really intends to change takes ownership of their behavior.

PS - I still think her straying is a possibility. Shes lazy with you and the relationship is long distance. I wouldnt be surprised if she cheated before, or currently is thinking about it because of this disagreement youre now having.

 

[Dgwizdal]

Reread my post and bukowskis and experiment so you can gauge how withdrawing attention works personally. Then eject. You have nothing to lose.

 

[Tomo]

Were you older I'd refrain from replying as my relationship experience is minimal. But we're around the same age mate and how I see it, pre-emt this break up and cut ties with her. It will save you the pain. The distance, how much you guys see each other, how she says she feels about you - I have seen this before particularly in my female friends and the end result is always a split. You leave now and maybe down the track if you guys are still interested, maybe give it a shot but in the mean time, you are young. 6 years at 23 would mean you've been with the same girl for the time when others have had 'fun' around everywhere. Get out there and experience a bit more. Then you will know if you really loved this GF or whether it was simply the both of you became co-dependant at a young age and are now playing it safe and moving through the motions.

 

[spax]

Quick question for the OP...

How is her treatment of you outside of her fatness?

Is she respectful? nice? kind? affectionate? cook for you?

I'm almost willing to give this girl a break if she's treating you well...

She is sometimes affectionate. But since moving away she has become slack.

On Valentines Day I sent her flowers and I didn't even get a thank you response until I called her up at about 6pm and was like 'Ummm Happy Valentines Day?'

 

[gravityeyelids]

Long distance relationship nuff said.

This. IMO if you're not seeing each other at the VERY LEAST once per week (2-3x is better), then you have no business being in a LTR. The only exception being if shes not going to be around for just a couple months, such as when you two go home just for the summer or a trip or whatever.

Coming from someone who was in a relationship with a girl who started exhibiting the same symptoms..it's probably not going to get any better. You're only real option is to break up with her. The ONLY way she might change is if you scare the be-jesus out of her by truly threating to break up (YOU MUST MEAN IT). But we're talking about habits that take a lot of effort on her part (working out, eating right, dressing hot, good sex). If it were just one thing then it would be different. Its going to be pretty damn difficult to get her to change all the things she's fvcking up and stay that way. She might make an effort to change, but its likely she'll just revert back to how she is now.

AS A SIDE NOTE: while it's bad on her part to start slacking off...its YOUR responsibility as the man to keep the relationship interesting, both in the bedroom and out of it. Some of these things are likely the result of you slacking off as well and growing complacent.

 

[gravityeyelids]

And if you're 23..how the holy FVCK can you afford a $20K vacation?!?

 

[spax]

ADMISSION FROM OP:
-----------------------------

I've cheated on her with like 30 different girls in the past 6 months (hook ups, sex, making out) when she has really pissed me off or really shown her lack of effort. And yet I still want her :-(

Is it possible that she could be a lesbian? If we have sex and I start dirty talking about having a 3some with another girl, she gets so wet and horny and goes absolutely wild. This is the most excited she gets when it comes to sex stuff. Or is this just every girl because it is a taboo thing?