girlfriend may be afraid of sex

[noirsake]

This is a long one guys, but I need some help.

Alright this is something to do with her past relationships. She's had 3 bfs me being the 3rd and longest lasting one (and her favorite). The first guy she met tried to rape her on their second date. She had a fear of guys after that which is understandable. She starts to panic when she see something that reminds her of when she was nearly raped. For example, we were watching 300 at her place and she had to hold on to me and look away from the screen during the rape scene. Her next "boyfriend" didn't do too well either. She began to trust this other guy which led to them being in a relationship. They have sex once, he breaks up with her via text message, he's with a new gal, and she's left feeling used. Anyways, she hardly trusted guys after that. She only trusted a select few and I guess somehow I did something right that made her trust me. I was told that she basically hated all guys except for a few before we hooked up.

So she says she hates horny guys. I confronted her about this and asked her what she hates about guys with sex drives. She says that was tough to answer but said she basically hates guys with high sex drives that try to get her alone and such. I told her that I have a sex drive and I know how to control it. I also told her that there are wants that come along with my sex drive, but I wouldn't hurt her for those wants and that I know that no means no. I told her that if me having a sex drive would make her uncomfortable and cause conflict in our relationship that we should maybe stop seeing eachother. She said no, just to not rape her. I smiled and said I'd write that down.

Now the problem. When she had those things happen to her, I think she may have associated sex with sadness and fear. I don't know how to explain to her that sex should be something great that two people share with each other and that I can show her that it can be great. We both still live at home with parents so we don't have much alone time at all if any so I haven't had the opportunity to go for it. I mean I've gotten as far as you can with the whole making out stuff, but no sex and well I'm ready for sex. She and I are going out of town overnight in 2 weeks and we'll be staying at a hotel that night so I was gonna go for it there (if I'm not too tired), but if she's afraid, she may not consent to it. I know she trusts me, and she says she trusts me so I don't want to break that trust (Ya I feel AFC saying that) We've been sorta alone before. We slept together non sexually outside in a tent at a friends party and that's not a big deal, but being alone in a hotel will be different. She's told me that there is only a time once a month where she's genuinely horny so I dunno if I'll be lucky enough where that once a month is that night, but I've gotten her horny before (at least she said I did) so I don't think that's a problem (or at least I hope not). It's just I don't want her to be afraid when we're having sex. What can I say to her that will make her realize that sex can only be a good thing between us and not anything bad?

Thanks guys and I appreciate your advice

 

[slickaz]

this may get some negative comments from the other guys, but you seem genuinly into this chic and she seems like a nice girl thats been fvkd arounud with by some complete nut jobs that belong in a strap jacket somewhere.

you say you got her wantin it already once..so it should not be a problem..

you need to make sure you do this at the night at the hotel. lets cross fingers, legs and everything else that she doesnt have her tampons in her when you're there because that will blow everything out but assuming shes open for bizness during your hotel visit.

id suggest takin her out to a nice dinner near the hotel..
if you can afford it, pay the desk to organize a bottle of champagne or dessert wine and some candles in your room..not too many though just enough.
come back, ask her to wait outside the room for one sec. go in quickly set the 2 or 3 candles alight, come out, ask her to close her eyes..and bring her in..
sit her on the bed..open the hotel window hopefully you'll have a view..
talk to her about anything other than her past, family work study..smtn to get her relaxed..
all this while you pour her a drink.
talk and make her laugh.
kiss
set glass down, gently take her glass, set down.
make sure shes comfy and slowly work your way through it..

try talkin alot while you're kissin, make jokes about her wonderful kissin skills..

ask her with a wink "could i please explore you're body missX?" with a wink and a smile..
this way she knows you're asking and you're being gentle and shes comgy enough to say yes..if she says no..
say be funny about it, but im a proffesional body warmer!. would you like to try it out? i can warm your body with my hands

i dunno it has worked for me twice before both similar cases like you;
one who was almost r4ped and another that was abused by a family member..

the point is, they feel special, respected, and comfortable..also she should get the point that you're not just taken it, you're confident you're gonna get it but ur making an effort to have her opinion voiced that she wants it.

if she feels that its a natural progression feeling relaxed and comfy to leading to gentle first time love making she'll be fine..

but from my experience i have to say, girls like this initially seem to not like s3x, but after a while they want monkey s3x kinda bangin..but guide her with respect and slowly to what you want and give her what she wants...

oh..also, make sure!! MAKE SURE! the first time..she orgasms multiple times..
id suggest
you come first.
keep kissing and caressing her in your arms.
soon after make her blow..

or make her go first..
wait 10 minutes kiss n cuddle alot
go in for your turn..

either way she knows you are not just USING her to bust a nut but you're putting in hard work to get her to enjoy it as well..plus she'll brag to her gfs all the time..lol

 

[AKA FLEX]

Start with lots of oral sex to show her you're a "giving" kinda guy. She'll be hooked, and it will get her excited to the point where she can't resist.

 

[john paul]

You need to be able to turn her on when you want. She said you have done it once already but what about all those other times you have made out?


You should be able to start it by just gentle kissing and turn her on from there.

Ever heard of the escalation latter?
Its basicly a step by step description on how to turn a girl on and lead it to sex.

I can try to find it if your interested. It will help if she just needs to be turned on a little, but if you think the real problem is that she is deeply afraid of sex it might not help so much.

 

[rain63]

There was a rape scene in 300?

 

[horaholic]

She may need some therapy this. I'll bet if you search the web, you can find help too. This may be the wrong place for this kind of problem, unless anyone here knows psychology. All phobias can be conquered.

Rape REALLY fvcks girls up sometimes, and you need to be compassionate and patient. She needs to trust you, so if she puts the brakes on, dont get mad. Reassure her you will be there with or without sex. Wait a minute or two, and move in again. Repeat until desired outcome is acheived! Learn the mystery method freeze-outs.

 

[TheBucketOfTruth]

It sounds like you're going to need a lot of patience with this girl. It also sounds like you like her enough to be willing to put in that time.

What she really needs is to get help with what happened to her. She is already scarred from what has happened and probably won't improve much on her own, so finding the right person to help her is a good idea (although not necessarily your job). The only job you have is not to be "that guy" again and show her that sex isn't a violent act nor is it violating her in any way.

Good luck man.

 

[noirsake]

Hey guys thanks. Yeah I really dig this chick and she's definitley a keeper.

Slickaz. Thats some good stuff that you posted. The alcohol thing won't work out, but I feel that we will be able to work around it. Thanks I'm gonna write that stuff down though.

John Paul. Yeah I do turn her on when we make out. The only thing is that, well long story but I've gotten pretty damn far considering that her parents were just down the hall along with her sister and we were on the living room couch. And I'm very aware of the escalation stuff and thats what I'm gonna use.

Rain 63. Yes there was a sorta rape scene in 300 where Leonidas' wife had sex with a politician to support the war against the Persians. She was having sex against her will so ya..rape.

TheBucketOfTruth. Yeah I'm willing to put in all the time for this girl. Yes I feel AFC but I do dig her and respect her. I do believe I am the person that has to get her through this though. I've helped before with similar stuff, so I can get her through it.

Thanks guys once again

 

[Gangster Of Love]

this may get some negative comments from the other guys, but you seem genuinly into this chic and she seems like a nice girl thats been fvkd arounud with by some complete nut jobs that belong in a strap jacket somewhere.

you say you got her wantin it already once..so it should not be a problem..

you need to make sure you do this at the night at the hotel. lets cross fingers, legs and everything else that she doesnt have her tampons in her when you're there because that will blow everything out but assuming shes open for bizness during your hotel visit.

id suggest takin her out to a nice dinner near the hotel..
if you can afford it, pay the desk to organize a bottle of champagne or dessert wine and some candles in your room..not too many though just enough.
come back, ask her to wait outside the room for one sec. go in quickly set the 2 or 3 candles alight, come out, ask her to close her eyes..and bring her in..
sit her on the bed..open the hotel window hopefully you'll have a view..
talk to her about anything other than her past, family work study..smtn to get her relaxed..
all this while you pour her a drink.
talk and make her laugh.
kiss
set glass down, gently take her glass, set down.
make sure shes comfy and slowly work your way through it..

try talkin alot while you're kissin, make jokes about her wonderful kissin skills..

ask her with a wink "could i please explore you're body missX?" with a wink and a smile..
this way she knows you're asking and you're being gentle and shes comgy enough to say yes..if she says no..
say be funny about it, but im a proffesional body warmer!. would you like to try it out? i can warm your body with my hands

i dunno it has worked for me twice before both similar cases like you;
one who was almost r4ped and another that was abused by a family member..

the point is, they feel special, respected, and comfortable..also she should get the point that you're not just taken it, you're confident you're gonna get it but ur making an effort to have her opinion voiced that she wants it.

if she feels that its a natural progression feeling relaxed and comfy to leading to gentle first time love making she'll be fine..

but from my experience i have to say, girls like this initially seem to not like s3x, but after a while they want monkey s3x kinda bangin..but guide her with respect and slowly to what you want and give her what she wants...

oh..also, make sure!! MAKE SURE! the first time..she orgasms multiple times..
id suggest
you come first.
keep kissing and caressing her in your arms.
soon after make her blow..

or make her go first..
wait 10 minutes kiss n cuddle alot
go in for your turn..

either way she knows you are not just USING her to bust a nut but you're putting in hard work to get her to enjoy it as well..plus she'll brag to her gfs all the time..lol

What kind of fruit cake-ish advice is that? Sound pretty manipulative, actually. Agenda written all over it, which is what causes a lot of men here to feel used when the woman doesn't respond. Too long a script for something that probably won't even work.

Let me ask you, are you still involved with those two quality girls you pulled this on? So in the end, after you got what you wanted, they needed more than just a movie fantasy to get on with their life.

This girl has a lot of baggage, why even go there? and at best the OP would be doing a small part in the long journey, where eventually some other guy,
many years down the raod, will be enjoying the benefits.

Not trying to be negative at all with this post. When you do something with an agenda, you deserve to not have it worke out for you. If you actually care about the girl, you need to direct her to the right profesionals to get her to deal with her issues/trauma. You will just be messing her up even more. If you want to work extra hard, for a chance of laying her, then go at it.

 

[Bible_Belt]

This girl has a lot of baggage, why even go there?

Agreed. The OP's posts read like a laundry list of all the bs I used to put up with from women, but never would again. She's horny once a month? I'd tell her, "OK. Oh and btw I need some space. I think we should see each other about once a month."

As you date more women, you will learn that they are all fvcked in the head to some degree, and it shows in the bedroom. However, and this is important, they just as often go the other extreme and love sex. In my experience, girls who are molested earlier in life tend to turn into strippers and sex freaks, while women who are raped at an adult age turn frigid over the experience. It is sad, and it is not her fault, but there are a million female sob stories out there if that is what you want, and I bet most of them put out more than once a month. Whoever is with your girl is carrying the burden of her rape and sacrificing his own sex life because of it. It's masochistic of you to want to suffer like that.

 

[slickaz]

Gangster of love: hahaha sorry then mr.proffesional! why dont you give this poor dude a run down of your plan?
agenda or not dude, its better to go in with a plan of attack than no plan at all..

as you can see this is a serious case for this guy, coz he likes her and she seems to like him too. its just somethings holding her back.

and my first post, was not an agenda, it was just a imaginery natural progression of what COULD be said..im not saying use my stuff word to word, but if you do get stuck when she hits you with the brakes, you've got a backup plan to keep it going.

it may be fruitcakish, but i think you may have also heard that girls like this will not put out unless she has been guided gently to the garden of eden..coz i think if OP gets in, shes gonna realise what shes missing out on..

Yes both the girls in this situation wanted to stay in a LTR with me but due to my career i had to move for one and the other girl went back to the states coz of a death in her family. but they both really wanted LTR.

i dont see why guys find having an agenda or treating a girl with some actual romanticism so difficult to take it in...every girl wants to walk on a beach at night, candle light dinner randomly or a surprise boquet on vday. they may not say it..but you know the smile it puts on them...and more importantly what it does to their ego when their gfs/workmates hear/see what shes getting..if at the end it means you're getting what you want (sex) then why not?

 

[Axcell]

What kind of fruit cake-ish advice is that? Sound pretty manipulative, actually. Agenda written all over it, which is what causes a lot of men here to feel used when the woman doesn't respond. Too long a script for something that probably won't even work.

Let me ask you, are you still involved with those two quality girls you pulled this on? So in the end, after you got what you wanted, they needed more than just a movie fantasy to get on with their life.

This girl has a lot of baggage, why even go there? and at best the OP would be doing a small part in the long journey, where eventually some other guy,
many years down the raod, will be enjoying the benefits.

Not trying to be negative at all with this post. When you do something with an agenda, you deserve to not have it worke out for you. If you actually care about the girl, you need to direct her to the right profesionals to get her to deal with her issues/trauma. You will just be messing her up even more. If you want to work extra hard, for a chance of laying her, then go at it.

Agreed. The OP's posts read like a laundry list of all the bs I used to put up with from women, but never would again. She's horny once a month? I'd tell her, "OK. Oh and btw I need some space. I think we should see each other about once a month."

As you date more women, you will learn that they are all fvcked in the head to some degree, and it shows in the bedroom. However, and this is important, they just as often go the other extreme and love sex. In my experience, girls who are molested earlier in life tend to turn into strippers and sex freaks, while women who are raped at an adult age turn frigid over the experience. It is sad, and it is not her fault, but there are a million female sob stories out there if that is what you want, and I bet most of them put out more than once a month. Whoever is with your girl is carrying the burden of her rape and sacrificing his own sex life because of it. It's masochistic of you to want to suffer like that.

Agreed. These are the only 2 people in this thread that know what they are talking about.

 

[horaholic]

There's a fine line between nexting a headcase chick, and overcoming a hurdle in another. you're not being AFC trying to get over this obstacle. If she seems fvcked up in other ways, than you should next. A real man is persistant, but not needy. Give her a chance or two (but not three!!!!!) to try to improve herself in this area. It can be done, but walk away the SECOND you think your attempts are futile. If you like the chick, give it a LITTLE time and patience. Understand, however, why these other people are telling you to run right now. I dont blame them for saying that, but I think in this situation, you should give it a try or two, before you walk away. Dont get sucked in though! you are not captain Save-a-ho. Be a real man, and give her ONE chance to prove herself. If she dont, then be a real man and move on, wishing her the best of luck, cuz it's not neccessarily her fault.