Girlfriend is becomming a drain on my life

[Mr.Fantastic]

So, my girlfriend of around three months is starting to get on my nerves. I don't think its totally her fault, but she has a few problems, let me outline them.

At the moment her life is a bit of a wreck and she is quite ill. She has been recently told that her life long back condition will prevent her from becoming the nurse that she wanted to be. This has made her very upset and she cries a lot because of it. On top of this she has a real bad cold and an ear infection which means she is very snotty and muscussy.

The illness is making me fancy her a lot less, and on top of this she keeps telling me about how her father used to hit her, and how there are problems with her home life, and how her ex-boyfriends used to hit her and how she lost her virginity at aged 14. She keeps telling me this stuff, saying 'I shouldn't have told you that' and 'whenever I meet a guy I like I scare him away by telling him these things, freaking him out'.

Now I said im not freaked out, but I actually am, and she allways wants me to come round and look after her and I am just getting a bit tired of it. I don't want to hurt her, but I'm also not sure what I want to do with the relationship. I don't feel like im getting much out of it. She's a real nice girl, but is becomming an emotional strain.

 

[MrS]

Wait till she's better, then do something.
What? I can't think.

And have a ****ing heart, man, she's got a cold and an ear infection, so it makes you fancy her a lot less. So ****ing what, that's life, deal with it, don't use that to make yourself feel justified as to her being a "strain" on you. I bet no other girl gets a ****ing cold, and isn't looking very well for a period of time, no, I'm sure. You ****.

This isn't a flame, it's a mental slap, take it as you will.

 

[Mr.Fantastic]

Wait till she's better, then do something.
What? I can't think.

And have a ****ing heart, man, she's got a cold and an ear infection, so it makes you fancy her a lot less. So ****ing what, that's life, deal with it, don't use that to make yourself feel justified as to her being a "strain" on you. I bet no other girl gets a ****ing cold, and isn't looking very well for a period of time, no, I'm sure. You ****.

This isn't a flame, it's a mental slap, take it as you will.

I know that man, I'm not using it to feel justified, I'm not a complete bastard! I don't know why I put that really, perhaps I am heartless, but I don't mean to be.
I want to be good to her, and I have been, I have spent a lot of time with her. Its just getting me down a bit thats all...feel like I need some space, but don't want to hurt her while doing so.

 

[Obsidian]

1. instead of saying, "This doesn't freak me out," let her know that it does freak you out; then maybe she'll stop. Or she might go nuts and dump you, but either way you won't have to tolerate it anymore.

2. why would a back problem stop you from being a nurse?

3. her cold and ear infection probably won't last terribly much longer (1 month max) so you shouldn't give those much weight in your decision

 

[Themanthatcan]

She wants to be a nurse? Tell her to get surgery on her back. Done deal.

 

[muscleman]

I hear ya buddy, loud and clear. The girl I'm seeing right now is kinda messed up too (her past that is). That sh!t always leaks out eventually. What a screwed up world we live in ...

Cold/ear infection you really don't need to mention, we all get sick from time to time. But all that other stuff from her past, yea, that'll mess ya up for life. Honestly I don't know what to do, I'm in a similar predicament myself. I guess just don't invest so much time in her - women will destroy you without thinking twice or feeling an ounce of remorse if you let them.

 

[Play the Game]

I hear ya buddy, loud and clear. The girl I'm seeing right now is kinda messed up too (her past that is). That sh!t always leaks out eventually. What a screwed up world we live in ...

Cold/ear infection you really don't need to mention, we all get sick from time to time. But all that other stuff from her past, yea, that'll mess ya up for life. Honestly I don't know what to do, I'm in a similar predicament myself. I guess just don't invest so much time in her - women will destroy you without thinking twice or feeling an ounce of remorse if you let them.

Then they give the opposite advice on relationship forums.
I say do what you want, if you don't feel like being with her anymore find some other girl.

I've gone through the same stage, feeling bad for people... but it's just not fair to yourself to be with a person just because they need you.
This isn't your family we're talking about, it's some messed up chick.

 

[MetalFortress]

On top of this she has a real bad cold and an ear infection which means she is very snotty and muscussy.

The illness is making me fancy her a lot less.

This is the funniest two lines I've seen in a LONG time. Unintentional comedy at its finest.

This has made her very upset and she cries a lot because of it.

That's hot...

 

[MacDiddy]

and you want you kids to have half her pathetic genes....???

Dude, if the sex is ok... keep her strung along, I'm sure that your half asses effort to find this forum should mean that you can achieve something better..

 

[Last Man Standing]

It is not her sickness that is the problem -- it is her beginning to be a hor at 14 that is worrisome - but you are not going to marry this hor so don't sweat it - she is merely the next hor in line!!!!

A whiny moaning sickly hor makes her worse than just a regular hor!! The g/'f label simply means she is your full time hor!!!

 

[yhgsvh74d]

'The illness is making me fancy her a lot less, and on top of this she keeps telling me about how her father used to hit her, and how there are problems with her home life, and how her ex-boyfriends used to hit her and how she lost her virginity at aged 14. She keeps telling me this stuff, saying 'I shouldn't have told you that' and 'whenever I meet a guy I like I scare him away by telling him these things, freaking him out'.

Man. This girl is a wack job. Cut out your saviour schema and cut her loose. Trust me, that particular red flag is a sign of things getting a lot worse, your life could be seriously ****ed up over a period of time. I speak from several experiences.

 

[yhgsvh74d]

I would also second Last Man Standing. I respect women and I love my girlfriend but he's right.

 

[Soprano]

uhh well dude at least wait untill she's not sick lol, breaking up with a chick while she is legitimately ill is a total **** move. whenever shes feeling better if you dont like her then do it.

 

[sca_p]

Congratulations, your girlfriend has a traumatic past. You can either:

A. Politely back out now

B. Stay with her.

If you choose plan B, recognize that she's telling you about these problems because she trusts you. She wants to know if you'll still be with her despite her being "damaged goods". If you're going to be her boyfriend, she needs your support right now. When she brings this stuff up, don't quickly change the subject--let her talk it out. When she cries, hold her. When she's sick, take care of her. That is what a man does.

 

[MacDiddy]

uhh well dude at least wait untill she's not sick lol, breaking up with a chick while she is legitimately ill is a total **** move. whenever shes feeling better if you dont like her then do it.

Sometimes a man does not need the inconvenience of looking after some chick, esp. if he has ambitions... I'm sure she'll understand....

She's better off finding some AFC to look after her...

 

[itishe]

It is not her sickness that is the problem -- it is her beginning to be a hor at 14 that is worrisome - but you are not going to marry this hor so don't sweat it - she is merely the next hor in line!!!!

A whiny moaning sickly hor makes her worse than just a regular hor!! The g/'f label simply means she is your full time hor!!!

hahaha, your posts crack me up.

 

[Deadly_Ripped]

Just remember, most women get sick regularly. A woman who's as healthy as a horse is a rarity.

As far as the family thing, I personally don't let that stuff get in the way unless it translates into how I think she'd treat her children or how she interacts with people. Personal history is just that; history. However, emotional baggage that causes pervasive social or relationship problems a big no-no.

 

[MacDiddy]

Dude, shes a walking disaster... with many hurdles to jump to get back to normality... theres so much more chicks out there with better mating qualities...

 

[Mr.Fantastic]

Thanks for the replies guys, it has made me think about things a lot. I know I will not be with her forever, she has genetic problems like dyslexia and lots of allergies etc aswell, plus she smokes like it is going out of fashion... so I could never marry her. But I do like her, and at the moment I kinda like hanging out with her. I just wonder, is it right to be in a relationship with somebody when you have already realized that there is no way you will marry them?

If so, how do I let her know that the relationship is basically just a casual one, but full time at the same time?

I do like her, and feel like being with her for a while yet, but don't want her to fall in love with me and start thinking it will be forever. I am 23 by the way, she is 21. Whenever we have talked about her friends relationships being serious etc I allways say something about just 'having fun' etc and she agrees, but I know that she was engaged at one point so it must be at the back of her mind...

 

[MacDiddy]

Unfortunately, some of the best sex is had when a chick is in love with you. If you like being with her, then stay with her, but the benefits must make it worthwhile. However, I see you value your offsprings genetic inheritance so that is a positive sign.

You should not confirm or clarify the relationship with her. Doing so at this late stage will force her to call your bluff and push her into a position where she will call it off in order for you to see what you are missing and take her back. You need to operate with diplomatic ambiguity. Neither confirm nor deny, everyone stays happy.